“Should I kiss her on the first date?” It’s a questions I get from my clients week after week.
The rules of attraction are fluid. Simple answers to questions of attraction will yield spotty results. So many daters run into brick walls because they try to apply the same dating advice to every scenario. Let’s start by making a few glaringly obvious observations.
Every woman is different. This thought will blow the mind of a sexist but for everyone else out there it isn’t news. Not every woman watches Grey’s Anatomy and relaxes by getting a mani-pedi. Every woman has her own unique preferences. Some women vow to never kiss on a first date while others are more willing to go with the flow. This brings us to our next obvious point.
Just because you guys had two awesome first dates doesn’t mean that she’ll want to go out on a third. Kissing on a first date also doesn’t mean that sex is a given on the second.
So should you kiss her on the first date? Given that we can all agree on the aforementioned obvious statements (unless of course you lack experience and don’t quite understand) we accept that the question posed in the title of this article cannot be easily answered. That being said, I’ll try to answer it for you.
So without further ado, here’s the not so easy answer to the simple question of, “should I kiss her on the first date?”
Don’t Go In With A Plan
There are too many variables at play. Your breath might stink, she may not find you funny, she’s annoyed because her dog just ate a box full of Milk Duds, etc. There are a billion things that can throw her off. You need to react to how she feels in real time.
Dates aren’t scripted – if they were would you even enjoy them? Instead of treating a date like a play for which a script has already been written, it’s more like a tennis match. You have to constantly react to how the other person is behaving. The best tennis players pick up certain patterns and react efficiently. That’s the key.
You need to be able to read her body language cues. Verbally and non-verbally she’s informing you how she feels. All you need to be able to do is read her cues. As noted previously, every woman is an individual. Just because two women repeatedly reach for your hand throughout the date doesn’t mean that they both want an end of date smooch. That being said, the cues I’m about to reveal all relate to attraction.
Should she behave in any of the following ways it means she’s attracted to you. If she makes the majority of the following gestures you still can’t ascertain that she wants to kiss, however the odds are in your favor.
Signs She’s Attracted to You
- Breaks down barriers. We cross our arms to make us feel safe. Doing so quickly creates a barrier that eases our stress. Should she remove barriers such as these you’ll know that she’s receptive to you.
- Her eyes are dilated. Is it dark? If it’s dark this one doesn’t help much. But if it’s light out and she’s still dilated, it means she’s in what you’ve got to say.
- Simon Says. Is she mimicking your every move? Try to pick up if she’s touching her nose just a moment after you do. This is a telltale sign she’s into you.
- Excessive smiling.
- She initiates physical contact.
- Laughs at everything you say, even when you know the joke isn’t that funny.
Signs go both ways. She may want you to kiss her. But after a night of throwing herself at you, and not getting anything from you in return, wetting her lips with yours can come as an ambush. Reciprocate her signs.
If she isn’t indicating her interest through the aforementioned signs, kick off the display of affection yourself. It’s easier to open up when the other person has already revealed their cards.
Should I Kiss Her on the First Date?: Understanding Her Preferences
You can be as charming as Chris Pratt and she still won’t kiss you on a first date. That’s not on you though. As old fashion as it might sound, some women are 100% opposed to kissing on a first date. It doesn’t matter how kickass you are at dating, she won’t change that rule just because she went out with her prince charming.
Discern her belief system while on the date. If she’s dressed like a puritan, it’s doubtful she’s into kissing after a first date. Does she openly display signs that she’s religious or conservative in any way? While these are signs to keep an eye on, a low-cut dress doesn’t mean with certainty that she kisses on a first date. More so you’ll want to observe how she acts on a first date rather than what she’s wearing. She chose her attire before she met you. Her attire could project her pre-date mentality, but after she sees your suave self she might enter a different state of mind.
Kissing Happens After Basic Touch Escalation
Kisses should never be jarring. A kiss occurs because there’s a natural buildup of attraction that culminates in a kiss. Without this buildup, a kiss can feel sudden and unexpected. You never want to surprise your date with a kiss. Signal your interest through touch.
Find ways throughout the date to touch her. Just as you gradually work towards a kiss, you also slowly move towards touching her in more sexual areas. You wouldn’t touch her lower back within minutes of meeting her would you?
Start the date out with a hug. A hug is vastly more intimate than a handshake. From here, it’s a quick skip and a hop to touching her hand, upper back, etc. It’s much tougher to escalate things with touch if the tone of the date is set with a handshake instead of a hug.
The first few touches should be explicitly non-sexual. A non-sexual touch can be a hug, touching her back as your guide her through a crowded room, playfully giving her a light push, brushing her body with yours as you lean in close to show her a video, etc. Also be aware when she initiates touch. Does she keep tilting her head back and laughing followed by a playful touch of your shoulder? Having her initiate touch is a dead give away that she’s into you.
Escalate sexual tension through touch. Use the type and quantity of touches to inform your decision to kiss her or not. If you’re using the MegaDating method, you’re probably not doing a whole lot of touching on a first date. Adhering to the MD blueprint means spending no more than $10 and one hour on a first date. If this is the case there’s little time for you to tastefully escalate sexual attraction. Don’t feel obligated to kiss on the first date. If you’re a MegaDater you’ll know that kissing is an activity more so reserved for second dates.
What To Do If Your Kissing Attempt Goes South?
You read the signs, mustered up the courage, went in for the kiss and still got rejected. Despite all the preparation, things can still go south when it comes to a first kiss. These things happen. What’s important is that you know how to recover. Don’t follow a faux pas with another faux pas. Take a step back, inhale, and remain composed.
Put words to your action. Tell her that you misread the situation. That you felt the moment was now but clearly misread the signs. What’s important is that you respect and make her feel safe while at the same time not folding. After you say this allow her to speak. If you were respectful in your behavior before and after the kiss she’ll probably say it’s not a big deal and that she just isn’t ready for that. Tell her that despite being rejected, you’d still like to see her in the future.
Make sure you don’t apologize excessively for trying to kiss her. There’s no need to blow up her phone after the date and beg for forgiveness. After the date’s over, simply send her a text the next day saying that despite being snubbed you still really enjoyed the date. If you didn’t ask her out to a second date while on the first, use a TDL via text to ask her out.
There Will Be Other Opportunities
Don’t sweat not smooching on the first date. If the date went well you’re bound to see her again. There’s nothing wrong with letting the romantic attraction build a bit more before placing your lips on hers.
If you’re not feeling it, don’t force a kiss. Ambushing her with a kiss is a major turnoff and could ruin your chances of kissing her in the future. Stay patient and look for the signs.
Should You Kiss on the First Date: Conclusion
Yes… but only if it feels right. If she’s been sending you the aforementioned signs, you’ve escalated attraction through touch, and believe her beliefs align with yours, then go ahead swap some spit. But if it doesn’t feel right, keep that kiss tucked under your lips and save your first kiss for another day.
If you’re following the MegaDating blueprint you’ll see that second dates are meant to be physical. It’ll be easy to touch each other and build chemistry when the date itself is an active one. Keep building a rapport and by the end of the second date there should be enough mutual attractive to go in for a kiss.
If the prospect of kissing on a first date has got you dizzy, maybe you better chat with a professional. Ditch the well-intentioned yet very wrong advice from your buddies and consult with me, a professional dating coach.
Book a New Client 1-on-1 session with me via Skype to demystify first dates. I’ve helped hundreds of men like you find and sustain meaningful romantic relationships. Talk with me today so that you can learn and employ the MegaDating blueprint. During our session we’ll also discuss any additional dating issues you’re experiencing and see if my 3 month coaching program could help you reach your long term dating goals in no time.