The pandemic has taken a toll on all of us.

It’s had a way of seeping into every crack of our society.

It ironically had positive effects on the environment (though short-lived) and saw many sheltered animals find homes. 

But for every positive, there are many more negatives.

One of them has been the rise in domestic violence and non-verbal domestic abuse.

During uncertain and tense times when we’re all locked away together it’s expected (though still inexcusable) that more abuse will occur within the home.

Yet even after we’ve been liberated and can frolic about as we did in the pre-covid days our society is still experiencing an alarming amount of violence and abuse.

One of the ways this abuse has manifested itself is as gaslighting.

Gaslighting is a specific form of abuse involving the manipulation of another; generally a romantic partner.  

In this article, we’ll dive into what gaslighting is, the signs of gaslighting, recovery, and a detailed plan of action to avoid gaslighters in the future.

What Is Gaslighting In Dating?

Gaslighting is abusive manipulation.

But unlike other forms of verbal abuse, gaslighting is much more covert. It doesn’t involve throwing insults that feel like nukes when they land yet can do just as much damage.

An example of gaslighting might be manipulating a partner into believing the abuser’s narrative. 

Attempting to exert control of a partner is a form of gaslighting.

Of course, manipulation occurs in every relationship, however, the term is most often applied when talking about manipulation between romantic partners.

Who Gaslights?

Typically speaking, those with a mental health disorder such as narcissism or borderline personality disorder gaslight. However, everyone is capable of manipulation and using emotional abuse to achieve their goals.

Everyone you go out with has the capacity to demean, manipulate, and damage you emotionally. Of course we all have our weak moments where we devolve into abusive monsters. But a slip-up is one thing, serially manipulating someone you claim to love is another.

To better recognize what gaslighting looks like, let’s examine some of the signs.

Signs Of Gaslighting In Dating

Gaslighting can take various forms.

The better you become at identifying them the quicker you’ll be able to identify and leave an abusive partner.

Habitual Lying

Does your partner lie when faced with a brutal reality?

You know they checked your phone, left the gas on the stove, or took the $10 bill that was in your car.

Yet when accused they deny it at all costs. They claim that in fact, you’re the one lying, that the event you speak of never took place, or that you’re living in a different reality.

Does your partner lie all the time?

This is the most common sign of gaslighting.

Revisionist History

We all embellish the past.

We add details that make the story more memorable, make the enemy bigger and scarier, and our own actions more heroic.

What isn’t natural is when your partner attempts to alter a shared history.

Are you crazy, I didn’t say that to you. 

You came home drunk and smelled like another woman. 

Did they try to convince you that your reality never happened? That the way you remember things isn’t accurate?

If you’re doubting yourself it isn’t because you’re in fact wrong, but because they’re manipulating you to believe you’ve made a mistake.

Expert Gossiper

Gaslighters are expert gossipers.

This is because they know what they’re doing is wrong. To protect themselves they spread rumors about you. They speak of your infidelity, temper, and other shortcomings.

When it comes time to pick sides, your partner will win. They’ve been planting the seeds of deception for a while now.

Deflecting

There are plenty of reasons they don’t want to talk about the topic at hand or the question you asked.

But for the most part, it’s because delving into the topic at hand will make them look bad. To avoid looking like an ass they deflect, refuse to answer questions, or straight up ignore you, or pretend to not have heard the question.

Downplaying Your Feelings

What you say and feel matters.

It matters to you and those that love you.

But your partner has a way of demonstrating how little they care.

They’ll tell you that you’re too sensitive, you’re overreacting, to calm down, to not make a scene, and to shut up.

If you feel you’re going crazy, relay your frustrations to a trusted friend. Ask them if you really are making a big deal out of nothing or if your points are valid.

Regardless of what your confidant says, if you feel you’re not being heard and that your partner doesn’t care about your feelings, you may need to look elsewhere for a romantic connection.

Reading Your Own Signs

Identifying when your partner is behaving in these ways might be difficult. It’s possible many of their most malevolent acts go unnoticed.

While it’s important to be mindful of how your partner’s behavior, it’s just as important and telling to pay attention to your own behavior.

Are you feeling depressed, have anxiety, are second-guessing yourself, feel powerless, vulnerable, confused, hyper-sensitive, inadequate, etc.?

Ask yourself why you’re feeling this way?

If your partner is gaslighting you, it might be their fault you have these whirlwind feelings.

Sometimes reading your own feelings is a better indicator of if your partner is a gaslighter or not than by reading their actions.

Get in touch with your emotions by taking a moment to be aware of how you’re feeling.

Check in with yourself every day — and before and after interacting with your partner — to assess how you feel.

Responding To Gaslighting

Now that you know what is gaslighting in dating and the signs, let’s talk about how to remedy the situation.

There are various steps that can be taken to improve your plight.

Distance Yourself

Take a literal step back. If your partner is causing you harm create distance by getting away, staying with friends, or family, or by refusing to see them for a certain period of time. Take this time to figure out whether or not the relationship is worth sustaining.

Consult With Others

Validate your decisions and thoughts by consulting with a friend or professional. Relay to them all that’s happened. Talk about how you’re treated, what’s been said, how your partner devalues you, and everything else that’s relevant to your situation.

Talking to a loved one or professional can clarify the situation, quell doubts, and vindicate your thinking.

End The Relationship

A polite conversation about how they make you feel probably won’t change how they treat you.

Chances are you’ve already vocalized how they feel and they’ve minimized your feelings over and over again.

You’ve given them enough chances to change.

Now it’s time that you make the change for yourself.

Ending a relationship with an abusive partner isn’t always easy — especially when you live together or have intertwined lives. Make an action plan with the help of a friend or loved one. Understand your exit strategy, what you’ll tell your partner, and imagine what the fallout will look like.

You can do this.

However having friends, family, and a professional on your side will make ending the relationship a whole lot easier.

Avoiding Gaslighters In The Future

Have you noticed a pattern with your romantic partners?

One that involves you always getting into a relationship with the wrong type of person.

To identify the wrong type of person (e.g. gaslighters) you must become an expert at quickly identifying signs of manipulation.

To do so you’ll have to practice.

That practice is called MegaDating.

MegaDating is a dating practice that involves prolific dating. Prolific dating means dating people simultaneously, sometimes multiple people a week, or even multiple people a day.

Only through romantic interaction with a myriad of people can you start to consistently discern who is and isn’t a gaslighter.

MegaDating has personal origins. 

In 2012 I embarked on a 100-date experiment.

At one point I had been on dates with around 10 different men at the time and realized I was only attracted to 2 of them.

What did they both have in common?

They were both mean to me. 

Under normal circumstances, I’d never be able to see this. Normally I don’t go on 10-15 dates a month. But because I was able to easily compare one date to another, identifying harmful behavior became glaringly easy.

Becoming aware that I was only attracted to mean men meant I had some things to examine internally about my selection process.

Sometimes in life we have toxic experiences in early childhood that cause us to mimic those unhealthy patterns in our adult, romantic relationships.

If we don’t stop to examine the negative patterns we find ourselves in while dating, we are likely to keep making the same bad choices over and over again.

But when you set a goal to date a specific amount of people in a short amount of time, it brings to light many of the toxic patterns we’ve previously been unaware of because we weren’t focused on how we were making dating decisions.

Chemistry is less elusive when you MegaDate, or when you create a systematic dating process that allows you to examine data, like it’s research.

When you turn dating into science the patterns become easy to spot and the toxic choices become clear and top-of-mind.

How To MegaDate?

Along with helping you quickly identify harmful behavior in potential partners MegaDating will also swiftly help you find a kind and compatible partner.

In our program, Dating Decoded we teach men how to meet and court women by:

• Creating the perfect online dating profile
• Having stimulating and productive conversations
• Asking them out using a TDL
• Adhering to a dating blueprint

To tap into the local singles scene and meet as many single women as possible you’ll have to leverage dating apps.

We teach you how to meet and flirt with women IRL but seeing as how 39% of all heterosexual relationships in 2017 started online we place a special emphasis on meeting online.

After you’ve scored a date you’ll use our 3-date blueprint to create amazing initial dates and accelerate a connection.

In 2-3 weeks of our hybrid style coaching program, you’ll be able to start meeting compatible women, going on dates, and identifying what is gaslighting in dating.

Let’s learn more about each other by booking a 1-on-1 Zoom conversation where we’ll talk about your dating history, goals, and our program, Dating Decoded.