While I understand you’ve arrived on this article because you want to know what to text her after the first date, the majority of what I’m about to tell you is why you actually shouldn’t. Texting between dates is dicey.
Too much communication, especially thoughtless, superficial messages (like the below examples) have the unintended consequence of sabotaging sexual attraction.
If you’re repeatedly seeing text message conversations with women fizzle out, then you might be killing your mystery by over-communicating. Below are some strategies you can use to avoid smothering that initial spark.
When you close for the second date while you’re still with her on the first date, it helps you to avoid texting in between dates.
Too much texting kills mystery, which is the foundation for sexual tension. If you text her lot in between dates, she’ll begin feeling as though there’s nothing more to talk about and she won’t want to meet you for a second date (she may even flake on the date).
Frequent texting between dates makes it increasingly likely that she’ll flake on your next rendezvous or ghost you completely. If you failed to close for the second date while on the first date, then I’d recommend picking up the phone and calling her.
Having the courage to call a woman rather than texting her, demonstrates leadership, and it’s masculine and sexy. If she doesn’t answer, leave the following voicemail:
And you’re done. Don’t overshare by telling her the reason for your call. The mystery you create by being intentionally vague and succinct elicits curiosity, imagination, and sexual tension.
Even if she doesn’t return the call, and opts to text you back instead, you still get points for having the courage to pick up the phone.
Doing this will set you apart from 99% of men who are too afraid to call. I know it’s scary but with high risk, comes high reward.
If you have to text her, make sure you do so with the intent of getting on a date. When I review my clients’ messages during our weekly group calls, the most common problem I see is a lack of intent. Every message you send, whether it’s on a dating app or text message, should always and only have the intention of getting on the date.
In almost every coaching session, I find myself asking my clients, “what was the intent behind that message?” If their response is anything other than “to get on a date,” I remind them that their lack of intent is why they did not receive a response.
For example, there is no intent behind these two text messages:
Messaging without intent is guaranteed to lose your audience’s attention, which leads to being ghosted. You’ll also get ghosted when you message without intent because it makes it difficult for a woman to respond.
If she doesn’t know what to say, she won’t respond, and you’ll destroy your chances of getting on that next date.
I touched on this earlier, but it’s always better to call than to text. So much gets lost in translation over text because you can’t hear a person’s tone of voice, pitch, pacing, or inflection. Without these communication signals, it becomes difficult and often impossible to fully understand what someone means.
Pick up your phone and use it for what it was meant for — phone calls. Keep your call short and sweet. And only call with the intent of setting up the date.
There is no need to keep in touch with her between dates unless some weird situation is at hand like she’s going to Africa for three months and you won’t see her until she gets back.
Other than that, it’s fine to let the silence between you breed mystery. After all, mystery is the primary driver behind sexual tension. If you don’t want to get friend-zoned, quit trying to communicate with her ad nauseam.
Don’t text her immediately following your date. I had guy do this that I liked and it took me from 100% interested to 0% in the space of 2 seconds. You want to give her space to process the date you just had.
Allow her room to think about you, get curious about you, and then fill in the blanks in her mind using her imagination. When you give her space to wonder about you, her imagination will lead her into fantasyland, where you become a prince on a pedestal.
However, if you fill the silence with trivial text conversation, she’ll lose the space in her mind allotted for imagining you as prince charming.
When your first date is complete, never text her to say how perfect or beautiful she was. Give her a little time to digest the date and consider how she feels about you.
Remember to always message with the intent of getting on the next date. Pretend like you’ve got a flip phone from 1996 and it doesn’t have text messaging features on it.
You’ll also want to avoid basic questions like:
In addition, you never want to call a woman out when she doesn’t respond to you. Here’s a couple of examples:
If she hasn’t responded or she did something that bothers you, don’t mention it. You catch more bees with honey, and that’s especially true in texting.
That said, don’t reward her lack of response urgency by being a doormat. The caveat here is if you can call her out in a funny, playful way. A way that shows your value. A way that shows her you don’t take yourself too seriously. This guy did a great job:
This message shows me that this man isn’t overly sensitive, stuffy, or clingy. All woman want guy who can make light of things that would piss most people off. Demonstrating a sense of humor, especially in the face of rejection, is always charming.
If you think she’s ignoring you after the first date, re-engage her with a message that uses her name and incites an emotional response.
For example, let’s say you’ve tried TDLing her twice and she hasn’t responded. Yet you know she was responsive earlier in the conversation.
Or you could say something like:
Then wait for her to respond (up to 48 hours and then if she doesn’t send a follow-up message).
Wait for her to respond, but if she doesn’t within 2 hours try…
While this message won’t guarantee a response, using her name is far more likely to re-engage her. Everyone’s favorite word is their name.
A person’s name is the most powerful word you can use to capture attention and compel a response. If you’ve lost her, use a last-ditch message with her name to give yourself the best opportunity for a response.
Let’s say you were already smoochin’ on the first date and there was a ton of trust and rapport right off the bat. Then, and only then would I send a flirty text to boost sexual tension before the second date.
Usually, I’d recommend saving the racy texts until after the second date, but if things went insanely well on the first date, you could try using one of the following messages to boost the sexual tension.
If you’re feeling particularly brave, you could try one of these:
Once she responds, you could follow up with:
Again, use these messages strategically, and only after you’ve built a solid foundation of trust and rapport. Otherwise, they may be too suggestive for your current relationship phase.
I always recommend following the golden rule, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” What this means for me is, if I don’t like someone, then I don’t reach back out. I, personally, see no use in sending an unsolicited rejection message. Chances are if I wasn’t feeling them, then they weren’t feeling me either.
What I would suggest is that you practice not saying something you don’t mean, like, “I’ll call you,” or “I’ll be in touch.”
My favorite college professor taught me to always “Say what you mean and mean what you say.” Powerful words to live by, especially in dating. If you don’t feel good about ghosting her, then consider how you would want to be rejected, and say that.
Acknowledge how it would feel if the tables were turned. At the same time, try not to be overly naive. Chances are that if you don’t want to see her again, she probably doesn’t want to see you again either. It’s not worth forcing something that doesn’t feel good. You honestly might just want to let it go and fade out.
You should. As the man, you’re the hunter. She wants you to pursue her, and ultimately, I bet you do too.
Don’t be like 99% of men by sending a text message. Follow this strategy if you didn’t close for the second date while on the first date:
On the flip side, if you closed for the second date while on the first, then just give her a call the day before to confirm.
If you closed for the second date weeks in advance, then call her 3 days before to confirm and give her logistical information she’ll need in order to meet you.
You should only reach out when you’re ready to invite her on a date. If you’ve already done that while on the first date, then all you need to do is confirm the date the day beforehand, assuming there’s not a long gap in time between dates.
If there is, just call her three days before with information about the upcoming date.
And now you know exactly what to text her after the first date including examples you can use right away. Remember that, whenever you can, it’s important to close for the second date while you’re still with her on the first date.
Additionally, when messaging, always and only message with intent, but if you can avoid it, I highly recommend that you call her rather than texting back and forth.
And once you’ve completed that magical first date, give her the space she needs to get curious about you. Don’t forget to avoid the common mistakes most men make in texting after the first date.
Examples include calling her out for not replying to your message, sending a message with zero intent, or telling her how perfect she is.
If she stops responding, try a re-engagement line that utilizes her first name.
Pro-tip: Everyone’s favorite word is their own name. Avoid sending racy texts after a first date unless you have mind-blowing chemistry, trust, and rapport. If you do all that, I’m confident you’ll get ghosted less and go on second dates more.
If you’re still having trouble grasping these concepts, there’s hope. I work with men every day who are struggling with what to say to a woman after a first date.
There are a few ways we teach men messaging strategy.
Our online curriculum is full of granular lessons that walk you through the art of chatting a woman up online. Whether that be sliding into her DMs, chatting her up via Tinder, or asking her out on a second date via text.
We also tackle this obstacle via live strategy sessions.
Twice a week we offer students the chance to review their messages live. During coaching calls students have the chance to present messages they’ve sent or will send so they can be reviewed by coaches. During this sessions we’ll break down what is and isn’t working and will then help you press the send button. We realize that dating is dynamic and every interaction has its own unique set of nuances, that’s why we use such a custom approach to messaging.
But hey, if you can’t wait for our coaching session, post your message on our private community.
Here students and coaches alike will have the chance to read and help you refine your messaging strategy. We offer real-time support between 9-6 PST, Monday through Friday.
Dating Decoded offers lifetime message reviews as well as lifetime membership.
You can book new client session with me here to chat more about your unique situation and get actionable advice unique to your situation.
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