Wondering how to reject a girl who’s interested in you?
I spend a lot of time talking to my clients and writing about the ways to deal with rejection. But how are you supposed to handle things when you’re the one doing the rejecting?
Hey guys, Emyli here – your dating coach for men. I get a lot of questions on how to deal with rejection, but I think it’s also important to address practicing good form when you find yourself needing to turn down a girl who’s interested in you.
Obviously, none of us like to hurt people’s feelings, so you want to make sure that you practice empathy and compassion when rejecting a girl who is interested in you. There are times, however, when you may inadvertently be cruel when attempting to be kind.
That’s why I’ve created some do’s and don’ts on how to let a girl down easy — the right way.
Do: Be Honest
When thinking about how to reject a girl you’re not into, you may think that making up some elaborate story or using an excuse like one of these will soften the blow of rejection:
- “I’m not emotionally ready for a relationship.”
- “I would love to go out with you, but I’m worried that it would wreck our friendship and I can’t allow the fire of our SUPER MUTUAL DESIRE destroy that! I guess we’ll just have to be ships passing in the night.”
- “I’m kind of already talking to someone.”
- “I would love to but I’m actually a CIA agent. I am being shipped off to a secret mission that takes place for 11 years in some place far, far away on Saturday. By the way, if you see a guy on Sunday in this neighborhood that looks, walks, talks and acts like me…er…that’s my twin I never told you about.”
Don’t. Do. This.
Being dishonest may simply give the girl false hope and even can cause her to pry further as to why you’re not able to date her.
Even if it stings, women — and people in general — appreciate honesty. You don’t have to go into a long monologue about why you’re not interested. Simply say something like this, depending on the situation:
- “I’m really flattered, but I’m not interested in going on a date.”
- “I’m flattered, but I’d like to remain friends and not change anything in our current relationship.”
- “Thanks so much. I would like to keep our work relationship as it is and don’t want to take things to a romantic level.”
- “I’d like to, but I just started this new job and I’m SUPER busy so just don’t have time to get involved with anyone at the moment.”
Do: Give Her a Compliment
As you probably know (because pretty much ALL of us have been rejected at some point), letting someone know that you have romantic feelings for them takes a lot of courage. You’re making yourself vulnerable and putting yourself at risk of getting your feelings hurt.
Unfortunately, there’s really nothing you can do about hurting this woman’s feelings. If you’re worried about how to reject a girl without hurting her feelings, check out these compliments you can tell her:
- “I think you’re such an awesome person and am really flattered.”
- “I know that took a lot of courage asking me, and it really means a lot.”
- “Thank you and I’m sorry I have to say no. That was really brave of you to ask me, and I want you to know how much I respect you as a person.”
Do: Reject Her Upfront and Give Her Space Afterward
Don’t delay the rejection. When she openly expresses interest and asks you out, cut it off right there and make a clean break. It may sting, but it’s better to pull the band-aid off quickly rather than drag things out.
Sometimes people make the mistake of trying to overcompensate after rejecting someone because they feel bad. You may feel inclined to spend more time with the woman (particularly if she was already a friend or coworker) than before. You may want to offer her more compliments or try to converse more frequently to make sure “you guys are still cool.”
Here’s the hard truth: things may not be cool right then, and they may NOT be cool for a while. But it’s not your responsibility to clean up the pieces of her broken heart or take charge of her self-esteem.
If you don’t keep your distance, you’re making the problem worse by sending unintentional mixed messages.
Be kind, but also be assertive and give her space.
Do: Reject Her in Person
There is a chance that she may choose to text or email you her interest out of fear of actually facing you. Although this can be understandable, don’t simply send a rejection without a face-to-face meeting, if possible. If she doesn’t meet in person, then you’ll be forced to reject her via text or email, but if she agrees to an invite (a simple, “Can we talk about this in person?” will suffice), meet up somewhere that offers enough privacy for you two without making her think that you’re trying to have a date, or that will make things too public.
If she’s a colleague, maybe meet near a coffee shop located close to your work after work. If she’s a friend, you can offer to meet her someplace benign (like outside a coffee shop or near her work AFTER she is off, or a park nearby) to talk to her.
By rejecting her in person, it shows her that you respect her and felt she was worthy of an in-person conversation. Seeing you will also provide her with some closure, which is really hard to get without talking to someone face-to-face.
And above all else, never, ever choose to take the easy way out by ghosting the person.
Don’t: Kiss or Hook Up With Her
This one should be pretty obvious, but in case it isn’t…
DO NOT DO ANYTHING ROMANTIC WITH HER.
If this is a friend or someone that you’re at least somewhat physically attracted to, it may seem tempting to have a no-strings fling with this person — and she may even offer that as an option. Sometimes people think they can mistakenly be casual with someone, and sometimes they may attempt a purely physical thing if they think that’s the only way they can feed their infatuation.
Regardless of what she says, what you’ve had to drink (in fact, just DON’T be in a situation with her where alcohol is involved), or how great she happens to look that day, make anything even remotely romantic between you and her off limits.
Maybe you’re reeling from a breakup or it’s just been quite some time since you’ve gotten physical with anyone. But no matter what the circumstance, you shouldn’t do anything romantic with her. This is only going to confuse and hurt her further. It’s just not cool.
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