It’s Friday and with good reason you’re fairly stoked. That beautiful fox from Tinder finally consented to going dancing with you at that new jazz club, where Fats Domino may or may not have played at. You spritz a little cologne on, accidentally swallow some Listerine, and levitate over the sidewalk as you dance on down the street to meet your date.
There’s just one problem. Steph, the 5’3 redhead from Tinder who digs Sufjan Stevens and likes to mute TV shows so that she can create her own dialogue, decided to flake. What happened? Being a woman myself, I’ve got a few theories that answer the question of why do women flake on dates.
But first, understand that women that flake don’t intend to be rude. They’re not screwing you over because they think you’re worthy of sitting in a crowded bar alone as you wait for someone that will never show. Rather, they either don’t feel comfortable or motivated enough to go out with you. Let’s explore why they opt for binging Netflix instead of going on a date.
Did You Get Her Number After She Said Yes On The Dating App?
Dates have a way of falling through the cracks should you not get a girl’s phone number after asking her out via a dating app. Proposing a jaunt around the park or a rock climbing date is more than acceptable if done through an application. The issue arises when you don’t secure her phone number after asking her out.
After you two have decided to go on a date you want to do your best to differentiate yourself from those other dudes on Tinder. You’re no longer just another match, but a serious romantic first date prospect of hers – you don’t belong among the ranks of other matches.
Getting her number pushes you out of the dating app zone and into the serious prospects zone. She may have decided not to show up on your date because she didn’t take a date organized solely through the application seriously. It could also be that she doesn’t have notifications turned on for dating applications. Because women get hit up at a higher frequency than men, they often disable notifications for dating applications. If you ambushed her by moving the date up by an hour, it’s more than likely that she won’t see the message until it’s too late.
Once you do have her number, be sure to immediately message her. This should be done for two reasons. One, you want to ascertain that she gave you the correct number. And two, writing her a cute initial text message (e.g. “-Matt. That cute guy from Tinder”) will mitigate any fear she has about shifting the newfound relationship from the app into the real world.
Who Do Women Flake? #1: She Doesn’t Feel Safe
That’s great that you two have the same affinity for people watching and HGTV, but these shallow mutual interests aren’t enough to appease her fears. To her, you’re still a stranger, the kind that’s most likely to harm her. As some random dude that she most likely met from a dating app, it’s your job to mollify her worries. Fear that something might go wrong is the number one reason why women flake on dates.
Every woman is different, but it’s safe to say that a woman is more likely to show up for a mutually agreed upon date if you keep your chat at a PG-13 level. Being too sexually explicit could give her pause. Showing signs of aggression or behaving in an overly sexual manner is grounds for ghosting. Acting out before even meeting someone in person is a huge red flag. Never be short tempered or pushy with a woman, and especially not before a first date.
Now that you know what not to do, here’s what you should do.
- Show a genuine interest in her
- Ask probing questions that are both fun and get her thinking
- Be funny
- Only ask her on a date once
- Find and vibe over shared interests
#2: The TDL Was Kind Of Lame
A TDL stands for time, date, and location. If you asked her out the right way, you probably specified what time, day, and location the date would take place. Employing a TDL is a useful dating hack that will definitely help you score more dates. So if you used a TDL are you still asking why do women flake?
The answer probably lies in the date activity. The only way she would agree to meet you at Starbucks is if you seem like the most fascinating person in your city. But, showing yourself off through limited interactions is tough. To really convince her to go on a first date, ask her out on a date that isn’t mundane.
Perhaps there’s a free concert in the park or maybe she mentioned that she’s trying to get in shape so you ask her to jog through a famous park in your town. Go on a date that’s easy to get excited about. Here’s some general first date ideas to help you craft an awesome experience.
Opting for a bland coffee date at a café that she already frequents will lower your dating value and will –in her mind- justify flaking. Because after all, if you’re not willing to put the effort into creating a great date, why should she put the effort into showing up?
#3: The Waiting Period Was Too Long
There is only so much time that should elapse between the TDL and the actual date. Based on research conducted at EmLovz with the help of my clients, we’ve found that the ideal time to go on a first date is three days after you’ve asked a woman out. A day or two after doesn’t give her enough time to prepare, but a gap of four or more days is sure to make whatever embers you were able to conjure up, fizzle out. Should you ask a woman out on a Wednesday night, make sure the date will take place on a Saturday.
#4: The Timing Of The Date Is Off-Putting
It’s ironic that what most attracts women to men is also what scares us most. We want a mate that is big and strong and can defend us against foes both real and imagined. Despite these traits oftentimes providing us with security and comfort, they can backfire and also scare us off.
Even though the women you date aren’t children anymore, stranger-danger is a cliché that still rings true. Never was it more aptly applied than when going on a first date with a stranger. We’ve discussed what date activities are right for a first date, but we need to address the timing of these dates.
A late Friday night date in a crowded bar surrounding by booze and blaring music might sound ideal to you, but not to her. Make sure the first date goes down at a fairly sexless day and hour. Wednesday at 6 (assuming it’s summer and you’re meeting during daylight hours) won’t be setting off any red flags, nor will Saturday at 3.
Perhaps you’ve done all you had to, to make her feel comfortable, yet she still bails. This could be because you invited her out on a Friday, but last minute something more exciting popped up in her world. She probably won’t hesitate bailing on a stranger to see a band or hangout with a girlfriend that she hasn’t seen in ages. Pick a day that isn’t inherently competitive for a first date –Saturday afternoon is most ideal.
#5: “Hey, How Was Your Day?”
Ew dude. You’re not in a vapid four-year relationship that’s already transitioned away from romance and towards platonic love. Messages sent pre-date but post-TDL should be witty or not sent at all. After a long day she wants to grab a drink with a friend not be burdened with answering your lazy attempt at a conversation starter. Making mindless chitchat during the period leading up to the date is a buzz kill. There are only two types of messages that should be sent before a first date goes down.
The first is a witty or cute message that doesn’t require a response. An example of this would be if you two had already vibed out on your love of Tame Impala, “Not to creep you out, but I heard this new Tame Impala song and thought of you.” Don’t turn a message into a conversation starter; leave the conversation for the date.
The second acceptable message involves simply confirming that the date is still on. Not confirming makes it much easier for a woman to morally justify flaking on you. When confirming, inject a little wit into the message that gets her excited for the upcoming date. Instead of penning a message that sounds akin to a dental appointment reminder, get her pumped by saying, “I forgot to mention that I’m a world-class bowler. 134 is my all-time record, think you’ll beat it today?”
Why Do Women Flake on Dates #6 The Location Was In Left Field
Doubtful is it that she’ll hike from one side of the city to the other just to meet someone for a first date. Once the hour of truth comes, she may look at Google Maps and determine that it’s not worth traveling 45 minutes to meet a stranger. Before the day of the date arrives, make sure she knows where the meetup point is. If you want to meet her in a convenient spot, ask her if the rendezvous point is out of the way or just right for her. Asking the right questions now will negate the need to later ask, why do women flake.
Hopefully this article was a step in the right direction for you to improve your communication skills with women while dating.
Want to better understand the intricacies of the female mind? Do you have dating goals this year like getting more online dating matches, getting on more IRL dates, finding a girlfriend, or something similar?
Every day I work with men just like you to help them reach their dating goals. If you’re looking to speed up the rate of your dating success, book a 1-on-1 new client Skype session with me today. During our time together, we’ll diagnose your dating history, examine your goals, create an action plan, and see if my 3-month coaching program is right for you.