“Why is she ignoring me after the first date?” The answers to this question vary based on a variety of factors. Regardless of the reason, receiving radio silence after a first date is brutal, particularly when you felt there was chemistry with the person.
But rather than wallow, take this experience as an opportunity to grow and move forward. One of the reasons I experienced so much success (and, ultimately, found a long-term, compatible partner) during my 100-date experiment is that I viewed dating through the lens of a researcher rather than someone who was hard up to find “the one.”
Instead of bemoaning how much it sucks to get ghosted after a first date, analyze the things that happened on the date that led you to the question, “Why did she ignore me?”
Below are some reasons that a woman ignored you after a first date, as well as some strategies to help you get to the second date (and beyond) the next time around.
“Why Is She Ignoring Me?” The Date Sucked
One surefire reason that she ignored you after the first date is that the date sucked. Or, at least, it sucked for her.
In your mind, the date went fine. In fact, you may even think it went spectacularly. But in her mind, she was counting down the minutes for the date to end.
Unfortunately, a woman isn’t always going to come out and tell you when she’s having a bad time. In order to avoid an awkward situation, she may even keep a smile plastered on her face for the majority of the date and feign some very realistic chuckles.
So what situations cause women to be less-than-forthcoming about their disinterest in your company?
Situation #1: You’re Overly Aggressive
I have a friend who literally has a resting nice face. Moreover, she ends up giggling a lot when she feels uncomfortable, which inadvertently has sent mixed messages to men she goes on dates with.
She’s told me of several times where she was on a date and a guy mistook her nervous discomfort as an invitation to make a move. One time a guy she was on a date with at a bar actually cut her off mid-sentence to kiss her. She had absolutely no idea how to react, so she simply laughed and tried to keep making small talk until the check thankfully arrived.
She didn’t ghost him, but let him know the date made her uncomfortable and she just didn’t feel like the chemistry was right. He was shocked. Basically, the two of them had completely different experiences on that date. And the same thing may have happened to you.
This guy wasn’t a jerk, but he was overly aggressive and didn’t know how to properly break the touch barrier. Instead of strategically escalating the sexual tension between them and taking things slow, he grabbed her and kissed her without warning. That’s always a bad move.
Breaking the Touch Barrier
There are several ways to break the touch barrier in a comfortable manner during a date. In fact, if you break the touch barrier in a strategic way, you’re more likely to build chemistry with someone. Breaking the touch barrier is also instrumental in building up anticipation to a first kiss. And if all goes well in that department, you’re basically guaranteed to get a second date!
To break the touch barrier effectively, be sure to:
- Sit next to your date as opposed to across from her, interview-style.
- Focus on safe spots: Touch places like the shoulders, arms, upper back, and hands. At certain points, it can be alright to touch a woman’s lower back or legs, but this should only be done at a particular point (more on that in a bit).
- Be playful: Instead of saying hello, pat her on the shoulder or give her a playful shove when she tells you a joke, or (depending on the type of relationship you have and what you are sure she is comfortable with), wrap her up in a playful bear hug.
- Experiment: Instead of saying hello, pat her on the shoulder or give her a playful shove when she tells you a joke.
Situation #2: The Date Was Boring
Did you take her to coffee? Did you go to a happy hour at a bar? Guess what? EVERY guy she’s gone out with has suggested coffee or a drink. That gets boring after a while and it might be the very reason why she’s ignoring you.
Moreover, it doesn’t allow the two of you two connect in a way that is organic. You need to plan compelling dates that offer a stimulating environment.
- If you both have an interest in arts and culture, look for a cool and slightly unusual museum.
- If you both are adrenaline junkies or extreme sports fanatics, consider taking a kiteboarding or air trapeze class.
- If you like to be active and get your heart pumping without feeling like you’re working out, take a dance class.
- If you’re all about holistic wellness, take a partner yoga class.
- For more, here’s a list of fun date ideas to get you started.
Situation #3: You Got Hammered
Wondering “Why is she ignoring me after the first date?” Before you pop that ibuprofen to nurse your hangover, consider how much you were drinking on the first date.
Remember that friend I mentioned who has resting nice face and giggles when she’s uncomfortable? That same friend has been on dates with guys where they ended up getting s**t-face hammered and a few where the guy actually showed up with a decent buzz on. (Yeah, she’s been on some pretty bad dates.)
The thing about alcohol is that it can make a super dull situation seem exciting. Moreover, it can actually make you feel attracted to people who you wouldn’t have any chemistry with if you were dead sober.
Maybe there was literally nothing between you and this woman but your imbibing tricked you into believing you had an awesome date. More importantly, if you got wasted on a first date, there’s a good chance that you left your date extremely concerned and put off.
I’m not trying to rag on letting loose and having a good time, but the first date is no time to get drunk. You want to keep a clear head when you’re getting to know someone, so save the boozing for a little bit later down the road when you two know each other better.
Not only is it a turn-off if you get hammered on a first date, but alcohol also lowers inhibitions. This means that you’re more likely to come off as aggressive during a date, thoroughly freaking out the girl you’re with.
To be on the safe side, keep yourself at a two-drink maximum on a date or simply don’t drink at all.
“Why Is She Ignoring Me?” She’s Dating Someone Else or is Married
Let’s change gears and look at a reason that has nothing to do with you.
Remember that you don’t really know someone after a first date. A first date is simply an opportunity to build trust and rapport over shared interests. If you connect in a way that makes you want to see them again, great! It’s awesome if you can nab a second date, but her rejection shouldn’t derail you from pursuing your dating goals.
Things are in their most infantile stages on the first date, and plenty of people go on tons of first dates without getting to a second.
One reason a girl may be ignoring you is that she’s not as single as she advertised. In fact, she could even be married. It sucks, but plenty of people dip their toes in the dating pool even when they’re attached. She may have started to step out on her relationship and then regretted it. If she completely ghosts you without giving a reason, you’ll never truly know.
But it’s important to remember that, often times, rejection happens for reasons that are completely out of your control.
“Why Is She Ignoring Me?” She’s Emotionally Unavailable
Piggybacking off of my last point, a woman who ignores you after a first date may be emotionally unavailable. Unless she explicity told you her background, you don’t really know who someone is or what they’re going through until you put in the time to get to know them.
People can be emotionally unavailable for tons of reasons. Maybe she is just getting out of a long-term relationship and, after trying to get back into dating, realized she’s not done healing from the breakup. She could also be going through a divorce, dealing with trauma, handling intense family issues and so on.
“Why Is She Ignoring Me?” You Had Sex Too Soon
Maybe the date actually went really well. In fact, maybe the chemistry during your dates was so off the charts, one thing led to another and you two ended up sleeping together.
Although first date sex doesn’t guarantee that a girl will end up ignoring you (it worked out well for John Legend and Chrissy Teigen), it increases risks of ghosting or things getting downright awkward.
Having sex on a date throws off pacing in a relationship. Remember, the first date is just about starting to build a connection and build trust. Being physically intimate accelerates the relationship in a way that can actually sabotage things. When you have sex on the first date:
- You actually decrease your desirability. This is because reversing a woman’s expectations will actually make her want you more. You can do this in a number of ways. For example, if you walk her to her door and she says something like, “Before we go inside…” reverse her expectations by saying something like, “Who said I was going inside?”
- You run the risk of her getting overly attached and clingy with you. Women are at a greater risk of getting attached after sex because of pleasurable hormones that are released during intimacy.
- Conversely, a woman may freak out after sex and realize that things moved too fast. This could make her ignore you as she contemplates whether or not she’d feel comfortable seeing you again.
Try This Dating Blueprint
To avoid first date sex and appropriately pace your relationship, follow my failproof dating blueprint for the first three dates. With this blueprint, you’ll avoid going on boring dates, spending a boatload of cash on the first couple of dates, and you will escalate chemistry and sexual tension in a strategic way:
- First date: The first date should be under an hour, cost less than $15 and should be something based on shared interests. The goal of the first date is to build trust and rapport. If you see strong potential with the girl in question, always steer clear of first date sex. For more help here, check out my article on First Date Tips for Men That’ll Help You Lock in a Second Date.
- Second date: The second date should be something active and free. This allows you to escalate sexual tension, as any physical activity provides tons of opportunities for breaking the touch barrier. Here’s some great second date ideas for you to checkout.
- Third date: The third date is where you can go all out with a romantic dinner. Ask third date questions to assess whether or not the two of you are a good fit as far as morals and values go and don’t be afraid to show some vulnerability. This date is also the one that often leads to physical intimacy.
“Why Did She Ignore Me?” You Were Mean to Her
I’m all about being playful on a date and even including some sarcasm into that playfulness when you and your date are joking around. However, there’s a fine line between harmless sarcasm and snark.
Make sure that the teasing is always light and positive because it can be easy to accidentally tread into a sarcastic territory. If you use teasing to put her down (i.e., don’t yell “IN YOUR FACE” or say, “Wow, is this your first time?” when she gets a gutter ball during a bowling date), it’s going to come off as mean and throw off the entire mood.
Use teasing as a way to make things feel more playful by saying things like:
- “OK, I gotta know — how do you pull off being beautiful, funny and sweet all at the same time?”
- “Does this mean you’re starting to fall for me?” Say this if she stumbles a bit on a crack in the sidewalk or something like that.
- “This is why we can’t have nice things!” This is always a great line to pull out either when something VERY minor has happened (like she drops her napkin) or after something a little more embarrassing (like her dropping a drink) happens.
“Why Did She Ignore Me?” You Showed Up Late for the Date
First impressions are everything. Always, always make sure that you plan ahead so that you are on time for your date. When you show up late, you’re basically telling a woman that she isn’t important enough to be given the courtesy of punctuality.
And if something comes up where you can’t avoid being late, make sure to text her immediately to let her know about the situation and apologize.
“Why Is She Ignoring Me?” You Didn’t Pay
Did you split the bill on the first date? Or, even worse, did you let her pay for the date?
Either way, if you didn’t insist on paying for the first date, there’s a good chance your ladylove decided to dip on any opportunity to go out with you again.
If you are asking her to split the bill on a date or making her pay, quit it. If you do this, she’s going to think you’re a rookie and you will never see her naked. Sorry not sorry. Yes, we’ve entered progressive times and women are making their own money, which is absolutely fantastic. But despite this progress, there is still a gender pay gap, with men generally making more than women overall.
Moreover, women have a lot of other financial considerations when getting ready for a date that men don’t have to worry about, including:
- Manicures and pedicures
- Getting a date outfit
- Fixing hair using products or going to get a blowout
If you think that you are supporting equal rights or being a male feminist by making her split the bill, you’re not. You look like a cheapskate who doesn’t want to be chivalrous. And this leads to my next very important point.
Remember, A First Date Doesn’t Have to Break the Bank
Although I am insistent that men pay for the first three dates, I also don’t want any of my male clients to get financially taken advantage of. If you recall, my dating blueprint advises you to make the first date cost no more than $10-$15 and the second date should be free. It isn’t until the third date that I advise loosening the purse strings quite a bit with an intimate dinner.
When you follow my dating blueprint, there really isn’t an excuse for you not paying for the date. And if $10-$15 seems too steep for you, it’s time to fix your finances.
“Why Did She Ignore Me?” You Didn’t Set Up a Second Date That Night
A lot of guys make the mistake of playing the waiting game when it comes to setting up the second date. But rules about waiting three days to call a girl after seeing her are archaic and ineffective.
Nowadays, with constant access to potential dates via free dating sites and apps, women are getting asked out more than ever before. If you don’t jump on the opportunity to set up a date, someone else will. That’s why you should set up a second date before the first date has even ended.
Make sure that the date you set up is compelling and includes a clear TDL.
What is a TDL?
A TDL is an acronym that stands for time, date and location. It’s what we here at EmLovz use to refer to a date’s call-to-action. When you use a TDL, women are much more likely to accept a date with you because you take all the guesswork out of when, where and how when it comes to a date.
Lots of guys will ask women if they “want to hang out again” with no clear plan in mind. This results in a frustrating back-and-forth that may cause a woman to cancel the date before details have been cemented.
When you use a TDL, you’re showing a woman that you’re interested in her, appreciate her time and are willing to put in effort when it comes to planning.
If you’re using a TDL for a second date, remember that the second date should be active and free. Come up with a date idea before the first date and ask her out near the end of date if you want to see her again.
An example of a great second date idea would be something like a picnic on the beach followed by some beach volleyball if you’re both beachy, active types. You could pose the date idea this way with a TDL:
“I’ve had a really good time with you tonight and I’d definitely like to see you again. What are you doing next Saturday? I was thinking we could do a picnic at [insert awesome beach location here] at say 12:30 pm. They’ve got volleyball nets there as well, so we could throw the ball around afterward. What do you say?”
She’ll be impressed that you seemingly came up with this specific plan on the spot and appreciate that you’ve paid attention to shared interests.
“Why Is She Ignoring Me?” She’s Just Not That Into You
Let’s say that you did everything right on the date. You asked the right first date questions, behaved confidently and authentically, and asked her out on an awesome second date. But your efforts were returned with radio silence.
Sometimes the chemistry simply doesn’t sync up in a way that bodes well for a long-term relationship — or even a second date. And she may have seen incompatibilities that you didn’t. Basically, she just wasn’t feeling it. And that’s ok.
Don’t allow rejections or episodes of ghosting to affect your sense of self. The truth is that finding someone who is romantically compatible with you relies on a variety of factors. Two totally awesome people could be absolutely terrible for each other. One awesome person rejecting another awesome person doesn’t detract from that individual’s worth — it simply means that they haven’t found their perfect match yet.
One of the best ways to lessen the pain of rejection and find someone who is truly right for you is MegaDating.
Move On From Being Ignored By MegaDating
MegaDating is a dating process that involves dating several people at the same time in order to diffuse energy by keeping your social calendar full. When you MegaDate, you see firsthand that there are plenty of fish in the sea. This lends itself to an abundance mindset. When you enter the dating world with an abundance mindset, you avoid chasing after women who will ultimately put you in the friendzone and settling for the mediocre.
Moreover, the more you MegaDate, the better you’ll get at approaching women because, after all, practice makes perfect. MegaDating is the main strategy I used to meet a long-term, compatible partner during my 100-date experiment. It worked for me and it can work for you, too!
If you want to stop feeling frustrated by your dating life and start getting noticed by high-value, gorgeous women, head over to my calendar and book a 1-on-1 new client Skype session with me today!
During our session, we will create an action plan (tailored specifically to YOU and YOUR needs) to help you overcome your dating roadblocks and crush your goals. We’ll also determine if my 3 month coaching program could be right for you to achieve your goals.
I’ve helped men all over the world boost their confidence and find the woman of their dreams. I’m excited to do the same for you.