Is it your first time having sex with her? Congratulations! While this is an exciting step to take in your relationship, the first time having sex can also come with a lot of nervousness and intimidation.
There are several things you can do before and during this big night to help you settle your nerves (as well as hers), sweep her off her feet, and have an amazing night.
Below are 9 tips to help you prepare for your first time having sex with her.
Tip #1: Get Your Place Ready For Intimacy
You know what can really kill the mood? Starting to get busy and then rolling over an empty takeout container or a heaping pile of your gym socks.
Make sure that you set aside time to make sure that you not only clean your house but create an appealing environment that will set the mood and make you both comfortable. This might be an obvious when it comes to how to prepare for sex, but take it seriously.
Clear Your House of Clutter
Make sure that there isn’t a bunch of random things lying around. Take out the garbage, clean the bathroom, kitchen etc. Even if there is an area of your home that you feel the two of you won’t end up entering — clean it.
Just the fact that you are aware of everything being tidied up and taken care of will be one more thing that can put your mind at ease.
Clean and change your sheets as well as anything else that’s in need of laundering. Don’t like doing laundry? Then drop off your dirty clothes at your local wash and fold.
Create an Appealing Ambience
Pour the wine, light the fire, and make sure that the girl’s wish is your command — yes, I’m quoting Boyz II Men right now because they made some extremely valid points.
In all seriousness, getting your place ready for the first time having sex with a girl is about much more than cleanliness. Make sure that your feng shui game is on point. Check out some of these tips from AfterEllen for specific guidance.
Tip #2: Prepare For the Unpredictable Snack Attack
If you’ve followed my third date guidelines, chances are you’re going to be taking her out to a nice dinner before getting busy, yes?
But keep in mind that — despite having eaten — sex burns calories. Also note that assuming she is spending the night (which she SHOULD be), both you and she are going to be getting hungry again in a few hours.
At this stage of the game, you should have an idea of the type of food she likes, so make a trip to the store beforehand to make sure you are properly stocked up.
First Time Having Sex Tip #3: Don’t Forget Breakfast
Sure, you could go out to breakfast the morning after — but why not enjoy some bottomless mimosas and coffee from the comfort of bed?
While you’re stocking up on snacks, don’t sleep on breakfast items. And you don’t have to be a master chef to make a postcoital meal that will knock her socks off…again.
Tip #4: Be Prepared to Make a Nightcap
One piece of advice I offer to help seal the deal is to offer to make a girl a rare drink. You can find some cool and easy drink recipes via Buzzfeed and Serious Eats. Be sure to have some wines, liquors, and beers available in case she decides to have something else — we love options!
Have a nightcap is a way to continue the conversation from dinner and ease any nerves to help you get in the mood. But be sure that you take it slowly when it comes to drinking. It can take as little as one stiff drink to make things go from sensual to sloppy in two seconds. In fact, alcohol can actually be something that prevents ANY sex from happening if not handled properly. Some things to keep in mind when imbibing on a date:
Although the general rule of thumb is to only have one drink per hour, the differences in alcohol percentages and serving sizes at bars (one beer can actually equal one and a half beers, and if wine is being served out of a fishbowl that doesn’t exactly count as “one glass”) make this a bad rule to follow.
I’d say that you should generally have one drink every two hours to be on the safe side, and don’t exceed more than a few (two or three) drinks throughout the evening. Inebriation can interfere with decision-making skills and it can also cause temporary erectile dysfunction in certain circumstances.
I’m all for getting a buzz going, just make sure that you are REALLY CAREFUL about keeping that buzz in check.
Go one for one when it comes to drinking. Make sure that you have one glass of water for every drink you have. This will help you keep your imbibing at a slow pace and it’ll also help prevent hangovers.
You can also add even more hydration by asking for hard drinks “on the rocks” and being sure to drink plenty of water before you two go out.
I’m assuming you two are going out to dinner before going back to your place, so you’re in a perfect position to slow the effects of alcohol, prevent getting hammered and also prevent a hangover. In case you’re not going out to eat for whatever reason, be sure that you have plenty of snacks ready for her when she comes over and that you’ve kept yourself well fed.
Tip #5: Safety First
CONDOMS. Yep, they are super important – especially the first time you have sex with a girl you like.
Make sure you have condoms. I don’t care if she is on birth control — but condoms.
Even if you are basically 1000% sure that she doesn’t have a sexually transmitted infection (STI) and that you don’t have an STI, it is still imperative that you use condoms. I know this isn’t the sexiest topic, but there are several STIs that don’t have symptoms, so there is always a chance that she could have something but not know it. And let’s never forget what The 40-Year-Old Virgin taught us.
Now that I’ve horrified you out of not using a condom, it’s also worthwhile to point out that women actually really, really, really appreciate a guy being prepared. Some guys might think that reaching for and fiddling with protection might interrupt the action in a way that could potentially put a damper on things. But nothing could be further from the truth.
We like it when a guy is prepared in all departments, and having protection on hand shows us that you care about our comfort, safety, and health.
Tip #6: Shower and Suit Up
Proper grooming and dress are going to make you more appealing to her and it can boost your confidence. In fact, 16 studies cited in Mantelligence showed that dressing nice can make women find you more attractive and it can even help you be successful in other areas of your life.
Some things to consider before your big night outside of the basics (brushing your teeth, showering and shaving):
- Get a haircut if you need one.
- Buy a new outfit or where one that makes you feel and look great that she hasn’t seen before.
- Make sure that things are trimmed in the nether regions.
- Get a mani-pedi — they’re not just for women! And if you scoff at such things, let me remind you that many places offer hand, arm and foot massages as a complementary part of the service. And you get to sit in a massage chair during the entirety of the pedicure. I think I’ve made my point…
- Get a man’s facial.
- Wear cologne.
Tip #7: Got Roommates? Deal With That First
If you have a roommate or roommate, discuss the possibility of exclusive use of the house. If they won’t budge on being around during your big night, make sure that you have plenty of privacy and can create the ambiance you want in your bedroom or a different part of the house that you and your date can spend your time.
You can also give your date the option of choosing to go back to your place or hers. She may not have roommates, or taking things back to her residence may simply be more comfortable for her all around.
Either way, don’t put pressure on either option — present both to her in a way that lets her know you want her to feel at ease.
Tip #8: Take Things Slow
Whether you have been waiting for three dates or eight dates (I hope you’re not trying to escape the friend-zone) to take things to a sexual level, remember that there is still a lot to be said for anticipation. Basically, don’t rush your first time having sex with her and remember — you only get one “first time.”
You’ve gotten to this point with a girl most likely because you have built a strong enough connection that you can see this potentially leading to a committed, long-term relationship. Don’t let that connection and great conversation fall by the wayside in favor of hormones.
Remember the importance of talking, flirting and — most importantly — foreplay before you take it to the ultimate level.
In 2015, with the help of sex therapist Sandor Gardos, Ph.D., Men’s Health polled 2,385 women to find out what they valued when having sex with someone for the first time. Along with foreplay being something of extreme importance, nearly two-thirds of women also said that they “consider first-time sex an indicator of a relationship’s potential.” In summary, here are some things women reported wanting in the lead-up to the main event:
- Making out — and lots of it
- At least 15 minutes of kissing and caressing before descending downtown to perform oral sex
- At least 15 minutes performing oral sex
Be sure to communicate with her by asking what she likes, if she’s enjoying what you’re doing and so on. You can also gauge what she’s enjoying (and then do more of it) by her nonverbal cues.
And be sure to let her know what you like. If she hits a spot that really sends a thrill up your spine, let her know it feels good.
Tip #9: Always Make Sure Things Are Consensual
Whether it’s your first time having sex with her, or the 10th time, consent — and non-consent — can occur before and during intercourse, and non-consent isn’t always verbal. Always pay attention to nonverbal cues, like if she is freezing up or seems uncomfortable at all with the situation.
It’s important to check in with her (“Is this ok?” “Do you want me to keep going?” “Do you want me to stop?”) and assure her that if she wants to take a break or stop completely at ANY POINT, that is totally fine. And of course, no always means no.
If she consents to sex or comes back to your place and then changes her mind, sure, that can be a bummer, but remember that sex is a big deal to women, and the first time can be an indicator of whether or not this is a potential long-term commitment she wants to make.
Basically, you’re not the only one feeling nervous and under pressure here.
And if you or anyone you know is having trouble understanding different forms of consent, check out this video from Blue Seat Studios.
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