Breaking up is a luxury of modern dating.

Before the advent of agriculture, for thousands of years, humans lived in small nomadic egalitarian cliques that most likely have few if any monogamous relationships. The attempt to form a monogamous relationship might have been seen as selfish and could have even resulted in being excommunicated from the group.

While early civilizations accepted monogamy -at least in name- young children, in particular young girls, were married off young. Roman society, for example, didn’t allow young singles to date around, bouncing from one partner to the next until they found their perfect match. In all likelihood, their parents chose who they would marry based not on mutual attraction but on wealth and status.

This trend didn’t change all that much until about the 1960s. Before then, both men and women still tended to marry young, often marrying someone who went to their church, attended their middle school, or lived on their street. You’d typically date one or two people before bending the knee and pledging the rest of your life to your high school sweetheart. If the marriage didn’t work out, tough luck. Not until the 1960s could Americans file “no-fault” divorces which would allow either party to terminate the relationship despite not having done anything illegal.

Pretty much until the 1960s, most people went from birth to their deathbed only having dated/married one person.

This whole concept of ending a relationship is still fairly new to humans. We don’t have social skills relevant to terminating a relationship that we’ve fine-tuned with the help of evolution. How to break up with someone is a relatively new practice that we’re still figuring out.

In this article, we’ll walk you through the best ways to break up with your partner depending on the stage of the relationship.

Why Are You Lacking In Break-Up Skills?

You decided to click on this article because you need help. But why is that so? Let’s dig into that for a second.

Do you struggle with conflict? How do you react when dealing with a conflict between yourself and co-workers or with friends?

Chances are, your inability to handle awkward social situations is rooted in your upbringing.

Those with avoidant attachment styles lived through childhoods where they couldn’t rely on their caretakers for a steady stream of affection. Affection in these formative years was erratic and as such impacts how these children deal with intimate relationships as adults.

As an adult with an avoidant attachment style you break off relationships before they get too serious and try to avoid any and all awkward social situations. If this sounds like you, understand why you behave the way you do and then work to rewire how you operate.

If you have this attachment style, you may not even truly desire to stop seeing the woman you’re dating. Before making any rash decisions, ask yourself if a breakup is really what you want.

How To Break Up With Someone at Different Relationship Stages

When You’ve Only Dated This Person Once or Twice

Not every woman you split an ice cream with needs to be rejected IRL. That’d be like if you walked around a food court and notified everyone with food on their mouth that “you have a little something there.” Umm, thank you, I guess.

Ya see, ghosting isn’t inherently evil. Imagine the antithesis of ghosting for a moment. It’d look something like writing out a list of grievances you have with the woman you went on one date with and listing them off one by one while sipping a latte at a crowded cafe. One of these is clearly better than the other.

Look, fading into the abyss is generally a perfectly acceptable way to tacitly notify a woman you dated once or twice that you don’t care to perpetuate the courtship. She doesn’t want to hear that you chose not to continue seeing her because you can’t stand her Jersey housewife accent or because she smelled musty. In this case, it’s better to not hurt her feelings and simply fade out.

However, a verbal confirmation that you no longer wish to see her might be necessary depending on how much time you’ve invested into the relationship. If you two were texting before the first date for weeks upon weeks basically becoming pen pals and built up a strong rapport, an explanation might be justified should things not work out. This is why I advise not investing too heavily before a first date.

When You Dated For A Month

So you guys went on a few dates, ate some quality Indian food, and even went to a Giants game before the nascent flame fizzled out. That’s fine, it happens. So how do you tell her? Well, that all depends.

Not every one-month relationship is the same.

Did you already meet her friends and swap your biggest darkest secrets? Have you two opened up to each other and made plans for your future? If you answered yes to any of the aforementioned questions, then a phone call explaining your stance is necessary. During the call, don’t offer specifics unless she asks or unless she’s done something hurtful to you that you think she deserves to be called out on.

On the flip side, if you two saw each other just a handful of times, never kissed, had sex, or built anything more substantial than a superficial connection, then an explicit breakup chat might not be warranted.

Whatever the case may be, if she picks up the phone and asks why you’ve been distant, tell her the truth. Even if the truth might hurt her more than letting things fade to black, she’s asking for your honesty. It’s not your job to decide for her which way to end the relationship is best.

How To Breakup With Someone You’ve Slept With

Literally having another person inside of you is just about as vulnerable as a woman can get.

You two have seen each other naked, engaged in pillow talk, and have opened yourselves up in a way that you have with few others. Unless you’re 100% she just wanted some casual sex, you need to inform her that you’re ending the relationship.

A notarized letter or maudlin poem recapping the great times you had together isn’t necessary. Don’t email or text her either.

Text her asking if she has a moment to talk on the phone -ambushing someone with a breakup phone call while they’re in public can also be a dick move. Call her when you’re sure she’s at home or in private. Tactfully explain that you think it’s best if you two part ways. Calling offers her a communication channel that she can use to ask questions and receive in-depth closure.

If she asks to see you in person, indulge her. Go to a park or public place. Don’t agree to dinner or coffee in a cafe. Make sure you’re able to leave the location quickly should things get rowdy.

Use “I” Rather Than “You” Statements

When it comes to breakups, don’t do as Simon says, rather do as science says.

“I” rather than “you” statements have a way of lessening the blow. They don’t sting as much because they appear to place the blame on the speaker rather than the listener.

“I’m just not feeling the chemistry” sounds a lot better than, “you’re not my type.” My statement places the blame on the person doing the breaking up and the other on the person whose heart has been broken into innumerable pieces.

Let’s try another.

Which sounds better? “I’m getting more of a friend vibe and I want to be open and honest with you,” or “You’re more of a friend than a lover.”

You might even say something like “I just don’t think I’m ready to date right now,” or “I am realizing that I need to just focus on myself right now.” Only say this if it’s true however. If your real intention is to hop right back on Bumble and go on more dates, don’t say something that contradicts that. It’s okay to be honest, in fact, it’s noble and she’ll respect you more because of it. You don’t have to offer her any feedback about why she’s not a fit for you unless she requests it.

Use A Compliment Sandwich

Everyone’s more receptive to a negative review when it’s wrapped up in compliments.

Example:

Compliment 1: I have really have enjoyed getting to know you, I feel like I’ve learned so much just from the conversations we’ve had and they’ve meant so much to me.

Hard news: That said, I have to be honest, I’m just not feeling a strong level of chemistry and it kills me to say this because I don’t want you to think that you don’t matter to me.

Compliment 2: You made me feel excited about dating and it was so fun to learn about your background and interests but for now, I think I’d rather be friends if that’s ok.

When you do this with love, it can actually be a super healing experience for the receiver, who maybe has never experienced a loving rejection. Consider the recipient’s feelings. Remember it’s them that’ll fall harder than you will. Put in the extra effort to comfort them. If you truly care about them this should be a rather easy ask.

How To Break Up With Someone You’ve Been Dating For Several Months

It’s in this context that ghosting is deplorable.

After dating for several months the only respectable and healthy way to end the relationship is in person. A litany of texts, a 10-minute voicemail, and emotive letters all fall short of what must be done. An in-person conversation is the only breakup method that’s acceptable.

Before asking her to sit down and chat, write a letter. Strike pen to paper and scribble away. Read the letter out loud and refine it. The point isn’t to send her the letter (although perhaps that’s an option in addition to speaking with her) but to practice refine your breakup speech. You hopefully don’t want to hurt the person you just gave months of your life to. Practice what you’ll say during the breakup before it happens. Refine your thoughts to ascertain you don’t say anything stupid or something you don’t mean.

Say what you mean and mean what you say. She’s doesn’t deserve a bs excuse for a breakup. Confusion will only cause her harm.

Create an outline based on your final draft and use that to navigate an in-person conversation. I like to have these hard conversations outside (if it’s not cold) in neutral territory. The last thing you want is for her to get upset and feel awkward because one person has ownership over the other’s territory.

How To Breakup With Someone You’ve Been Dating For Years

It’s human nature to do everything in our power to avoid losing an investment -human or otherwise.

We hold on to our investments until we know we a certainty that they’ll fail. When it comes to a woman you’ve been dating for years, this can be a double-edged sword.

On the one hand, your desire to keep the relationship alive will motivate to change what’s not working in the relationship. If you’re unhappy or unfulfilled, you’ll talk it out, make concessions, and try to fix things. Vulnerable conversations will be had and tears shed. But this doesn’t mean that a fix will ever come.

Be able to identify when it just won’t work out. Don’t drag your feet along for years as you allow yourself to be stuck in a relationship that isn’t working.

When you’re ready to end the relationship seek the help of individual counselors, coaches, or even couples counselors to ensure that you navigate the conversation in a loving, respectful, and honest way.

Don’t just spring it on your partner that you’re unhappy. They should be given several opportunities to listen, absorb, and co-create a plan of action to produce positive change before throwing in the towel. Consider if the tables were turned. How would you want to receive that information?

How To Breakup With Someone You’re Married To

Divorce is an endeavor best not carried out alone.

It’s expected that you and your wife have been trying to make things work for some time now. Despite your best efforts, the situation can’t be ameliorated.

Before having the conversation that brings the relationship to a close, consult with a friend, coach, or marriage counselor. Learn what steps need to be taken to carry out a calm and lucid conversation. I’d advise seeking the help of a professional mediator once the time comes.

A counselor can serve as an outside observer and mediator to help both parties see each side of the argument. Spending time individually in counseling to get clear on why you’re looking to end your marriage, and working through ways of introducing the topic honestly, lovingly, and without resentment, can be a game-changer.

There’s rarely an easy way to end a relationship.

Discussing your options and mapping out a plan of action can help make the process easier. Should you need this assistance from a coach, book a new client 1-on-1 Skype session with me today. Together we’ll figure out if your relationship is worth ending, how to do it, and how to restart your dating life once you’re ready.