You’re on a first date with a woman and it’s going spectacularly. You both seem to have a lot in common, the conversation is flowing easily and the chemistry between you two is out of this world. The end of the night comes and you get a kiss, the kind that sets off more fireworks than a display on the Fourth of July. She invites you to come into her place and you’re thinking, “First date sex! SCORE!”
Slow your roll there, tiger. Although sealing the deal on a first date might seem like a great idea, you need to turn it down if you have any hope of continuing to get to know and date this woman.
Even though it might seem like a no-brainer to take an invitation to Pleasure Town whenever you are offered one, having sex too soon is what can often be the difference between getting a second date or never seeing a woman you like again.
Not convinced? I didn’t think you would be, which is why I’m going to give you an expert breakdown of exactly why you should turn first date sex down if you hope to continue dating someone.
Reason #1: It Gives You Time to Build a Good Connection
If you’re trying to find a compatible, long-term partner, turning down sex on the first date is an integral part of allowing the relationship to progress at a pace that is natural.
Typically, you should wait for three dates until becoming physically intimate. Follow this dating structure to ensure the most success:
- The first date should take place during the daytime, should last no more than an hour and should cost between $10-$15. The purpose of the first date is to build trust and rapport.
- The second date should be something active and free. When you choose a physical, free date, like hiking, you can break the touch barrier and escalate sexual tension.
- The third date is the time that you can have a nice, intimate dinner and deepen your conversation. This is when it is likely and appropriate that physical intimacy will occur.
There are certain questions that are not appropriate to ask on a first and second date, such as:
- How do you lean politically?
- What irritates you about the opposite sex?
- What are your views on gender roles?
- What are your top three values?
Asking someone about politics, religion and gender roles can be a bit heavy on a first date, particularly if it’s someone you matched with on a dating app. Hi, you just met, and now you’re asking me about my deep-rooted beliefs?
However, these topics are perfect for a third date, since you two have already built trust, rapport and established sexual tension. The purpose of a third date is to figure out if you two are a good fit as far as morals and values go. This is really important because if some of your fundamental views are completely at odds, this can cause a lot of contention in a relationship and may even be considered a deal breaker by you or her.
When you hold off on sex until the third date and allow time for learning about the person, the chances that you can go onto have a long-term, satisfying partnership is much higher.
Having sex during the first date can accelerate the relationship to a point that feels unnatural and ultimately leads to deterioration of the partnership.
Reason #2: Reversing Her Expectations Will Make Her Want You More
A little reverse psychology can greatly increase your success in the dating world.
Women are used to having men trying to strategically maneuver their way into their bedrooms at the end of a successful first date. For women that feel apprehensive about hooking up on a first date, this often leads to a cat-and-mouse game that invariably leads to the woman not wanting to see the guy again or subsequent awkwardness during the next date that can cause any initial chemistry to fizzle.
Basically what I’m saying here is that women are used to guys giving them a green light that they would be totally down to get horizontal after a date. This isn’t always done in an aggressive manner (but please see my note about consent at the end of this blog), but it can leave a woman feeling conflicted, nervous and/or uncomfortable regardless.
Stand out from other men. Reverse her expectations at the end of the date by not only avoiding sex but verbally stating you are not interested in having sex on the first date.
You can do this in a number of ways. For example, if you walk her to her door and she says something like, “Before we go inside…” reverse her expectations by saying something like, “Who said I was going inside?”
Another example is if a woman asks you if you want to come up to her apartment after a first date. If that’s the case, say something like, “I’d like to, but I only sleep with women on a first date when I don’t plan to see them again — and I plan on seeing you again.”
This flips the script and makes you appear more valuable to her.
Reason #3: Turning Down Sex Prevents Things From Getting Messy
Having sex on a first date before any type of exclusivity or real emotional intimacy can result in a one-way ticket to drama.
Some interesting things occur in the brain during sex that lead women to feel like they’re falling in love and men to feel…like they need to have more sex.
Sex can feel addictive for men because of the pleasurable hormones that are released during orgasm, the main one being dopamine. Because dopamine sets our brain’s reward and pleasure centers ablaze, it’s understandable that you would crave more sex afterward.
Conversely, when a woman has sex, the hormone oxytocin is released. This is known as the “cuddle hormone” and it causes a sense of bonding, empathy, and trust. This is one of the reasons why women sometimes feel like they are falling in love with a man after sex, even if they don’t know him very well.
That being said, let’s look at some hypothetical results of having sex on a first date based on science:
- She could get attached to you way too early and go stage 5 clinger on you.
- She could end up feeling too awkward over it and ghost you, leaving you in a state of withdrawal because now your brain wants more sex and can’t have it.
- You might get infatuated and go stage 5 clinger on her.
- GUARANTEED: The next time (if there is a next time) you see each other, it will be awkward and make it difficult to build the relationship naturally.
Another situation that can occur is the woman thinking that all you really wanted her for was sex. Even when that’s not the case, this might be in the back of her mind the next time you hang out. And because one of the most important parts of a relationship is trust, her second-guessing your intention won’t bode well for your relationship.
Reason #4: It’s Not as Romantic
I’m assuming you don’t pull out all the stops with a fancy dinner and champagne on a first date, right?
Chivalry is important to women and part of being chivalrous involves making some romantic gestures to show her what she means to you. If you both just got an appetizer or had a coffee, that doesn’t really offer a romantic precursor to sex.
Now when she thinks back on her first time with you, her memory is going to basically be of a draft beer followed by sex with a near-stranger. And if that’s how you treat first-time sex, how will you treat something like a marriage proposal? Will you pop the question at a Denny’s or something?
That’s a not a story for your grandkids or really anyone. No one wants to hear that story. Her friends will have way better ones and then she’ll resent you for being lame. Trust me and you’re welcome.
Reason #5: Good Things Come to Those Who Wait
When you wait until the third date to have sex, the sex itself is actually WAY better. Holding off on sex allows the anticipation to build to a fevered pitch so that when you finally become intimate, it’s a much more fulfilling experience.
Think about when you were waiting to figure out the end of a movie or when there was a cliffhanger during an episode of your favorite TV series. Wasn’t it so much more satisfying to get the answer by watching the next episode or waiting until the end of the movie instead of looking up spoilers or having someone ruin it for you?
First date sex is basically that a**hole who walks in when you’re 15 minutes into watching The Sixth Sense and yells, “Bruce Willis was dead the whole time!”
A Quick Note About Consent
Although I’ve noted that the third date is usually when physical intimacy occurs, this is by no means a hard and fast rule. Just because the third date is often the time that couples close the deal sexually, that certainly doesn’t mean that it has to happen or that you should be completely banking on it.
Once that third date happens, if she consents to go back to your place and then having sex, great. If she doesn’t, that’s fine too. A crucial thing to keep in mind whenever you find yourself in a sexual situation is consent.
Having sex for the first time with someone can be a big deal for someone, and come with a lot of pressure. Things could go amazingly, things could go just fine, or things could not GO at all. Regardless of the events leading up to intimacy, no still means no. And no can come in the form of verbal and non-verbal cues.
If you or anyone you know is having trouble understanding different forms of consent, check out this video from Blue Seat Studios.
First Date Sex Wrap-up
One other way you can learn to enjoy dating more, improve your dating game and find a long-term compatible partner is through MegaDating.
MegaDating is a dating strategy that involves going on dates with several different women at the same time in order to diffuse your energy by keeping your social calendar full.
This dating process is not about being a player or trying to have sex with a bunch of different women. MegaDating is designed to help you improve your confidence and avoid settling for the mediocre by seeing that there truly are plenty of fish in the sea.
I used this strategy during my 100-date experiment to find a long-term, compatible partner. It worked for me and it can work for you too!
Want to learn more and start crushing your personal dating goals? I’m here to help! Head over to my calendar and book a new client 1-on-1 Skype session with me today. During our session, we will create an action plan to help you overcome your dating roadblocks.
You can also check out my Dating Profile Services, which can help you write a compelling dating profile or help you assess your current bios.
Finally, my comprehensive online dating course for men will provide you with all the steps you need to attract gorgeous women and stay out of the friend-zone for good.