Day: November 21, 2023

Dating Advice for Asian Guys Who Want to Find Love

Looking for dating advice for Asian guys? Sometimes dating as an Asian man in the US can feel like a romantic death sentence.

Google “dating in America while Asian” and you’ll find a parade of articles about the struggles of Asian men in America. To be clear, Asian women and men have very different experiences.

According to a 2014 OkCupid study, Asian men are the least desirable race among OkCupid users, with Asian women landing at the opposite end of the scale, as the most desirable of all races. It’s studies like these that appear to be confirming every Asian man’s worst fear; that simply due to the skin they wear, they’re less desirable than other races.

But a study or two don’t have to doom you to a life of romantic failure.

As a professional dating coach, I’ve made Don Juans out of Asian men who were almost ready to give up on dating. Remember that you are a unique individual defined by much more than your race. It’s this individuality that we’ll leverage to find you dates.

Let’s dive into some dating advice for Asian guys that will significantly augment the quality of your dating life.

Dating Advice for Asian Guys

It’s Not You, It’s Everyone

Before you play the victim card, realize that you aren’t the only guy that’s romantically drowning.

A 2018 study found that 29% of Americans ages 19-30 did not have sex in 2018. What that translates to is millions of black, white, Asian, and Latino men that not once wooed a woman in 2018.

There’s a range of reasons for this from more young Americans living at home now than ever before to people preferring to stream Amazon Prime than hitting a party with their friends.

When it comes to dating apps, only a paltry 50% of Tinder users have ever dated one of their matches. Male dating app users only have a 4% chance of getting their message responded to. To have a 50% chance of receiving a message, the average guy will have to message 18 women. Generally speaking, unless you’re in the 90th percentile of desirability, online dating is a brutal numbers game for penis-wielding individuals.

America, particularly young America, is going through a loneliness epidemic that doesn’t discriminate. All races are being negatively impacted. A 2018 The Economist study found that 22% of Americans report “always or often feel lonely, lack companionship, or feel left out or isolated.”

It seems paradoxical that in an epoch where I can make a call to anyone in the world without even pressing a button, Americans are lonelier than ever.

The point I’m trying to make with all of this depressing information is that this problem isn’t uniquely yours. Your personality, religion, race, or questionable dance moves may not have anything to do with why you’re alone. This lonliness epidemics is impacting millions of people.

On your journey for love, just remember, it’s not you, it’s everyone.

The Friend Zone

The friend zone is like romantic purgatory.

Sure you could graduate to the next level of love, but it may take an eternity -or longer- to do so.

There’s only one way to slice through the friend zone like a knife through warm butter; honesty.

To illustrate how honesty works, let’s use it in a context.

Let’s say that you and a co-worker, friend, or acquaintance have been hanging out quite a bit recently. You two clearly enjoy the other’s company, but the romantic flames have never been fanned. To allow those feelings to ignite, you need to be in the right setting. I mean hitting on a co-worker at a work party is like trying to light a fire with damp wood. To allow those romantic feelings to grow you’ll have to ask her out. But not just any date request will do. You’ll have to use a TDL.

TDL is short for time, date, location. Too many guys pussyfoot around asking a woman out. Using a TDL is the opposite of saying, “hey, wanna go out sometime?” A TDL in action looks like this,” Hey Victoria, a new epic trail just opened up at the north end of Golden Gate Park, want to go for a stroll this Sunday at 1 p.m.?” Asking her in such a way gives her a tangible date request that she can either accept or reject.

If you feel as though she could still interpret this request as a “friend date,” clarify. Be explicit with your intentions and tell her while asking her out that you’d consider this a date.

It’s quite possible that she had feelings for you but placed you in the friend zone because you took too long to make a move. A TDL will awaken any hushed flames and gives you a chance to burn through that friend zone.

She Makes The Rules

Women are more powerful than ever before.

Women today graduate college at higher rates than men, are closing the wage gap, and are finally having their voices heard and respected. This newfound equality is also making its mark within the dating world.

Dating apps are being designed with women in mind, bars have devised plans to extricate women from dangerous dates, and the rules of dating are being re-written by women.

17% of women today say that asking to buy someone a drink at a bar is considered sexual harassment, 38% of women ages 18-30 say that having a non-romantic partner place a hand on their lower back is “always” or “usually” sexual harassment, and 1 in 4 American women claim that someone other than a romantic partner commenting on a woman’s attractiveness is usually or always sexual harassment.

Contemporary women are much less willing to put up with the shit they used to. Not more catcalling, staring at her breasts, or pressuring her into a date. Women feel empowered in all areas of today’s world. It’s no longer a woman’s job to adapt to the desires of a man.

There is no rulebook you can look to, to understand how to behave around a woman in a romantic setting, but here are some modern dating advice for Asian guys to keep in mind:

When in doubt, ask to kiss or touch her: “I really want to kiss you right now.”
Explain that you’re paying the bill not because you assume that you make more for her, but because she took a chance on going out with you. Paying the bill is a way of saying thank you.
Don’t make sexist jokes or neg her…duh.
Treat her like an equal…double duh.
Wait to call her darling or honey.
Allow her to speak.
Don’t compliment her on her appearance until well into the date.

Sure, most of these are obvious tips, but if they’re so obvious, why do so many men fail to observe them?

Attack Stereotypes

If you watched the video above you would have viewed one of our students, Kan, masterfully articulate the gauntlet that is dating as an Asian man in America.

He offered a number of negatives that are inherent in the dating scene if you’re an Asian man.

However, he did note a few benefits that ironically are only beneficial due to strong stereotypes.

He says that since there are such pervasive Asian stereotypes, breaking them becomes a massive turn-on. He zeroed in on one particular stereotype, that Asian men don’t have game.

The Asian nerd trope is everyone. Often pigeonholed into this perception both in film and IRL, Asian men are rarely portrayed as the masculine smooth-talking James Bond type.

So when you show a little game and begin to address that myth, the ladies love it. They’re taken aback (in a good one) by this plot twist.

Asian men are portrayed as self-effacing, smart to a fault, awkward, and meek. So when you command the room with your confidence, smooth-talking, and boisterous opinions, you quickly kill off the negative Asian tropes she’s been carrying around inside her for so long.

Women love a good surprise.

Have Confidence In Yourself

I guarantee you have something to offer a woman.

Maybe you’re caring or charming or you’re chivalrous and hold doors open or love to give back to your community and coach youth basketball. Or maybe you’re always down for a good time and know where to find the best speakeasy bars in town.

Be confident in yourself and she’ll be confident in her attraction to you.

As Marcus says in the Dating Decoded review below, sometimes you need to get out of your own way.

Don’t let others dictate your confidence. Sure may you haven’t gotten a match in a while so what? Getting rejected on Tinder is like someone rejecting a resume to a job you and 500 other people applied to. Are you hurt when you don’t get that job? No! So don’t get hurt when a woman rejects you based on a couple of sub-par photos and a three-line bio.

You determine your worth. See your value and I guarantee she’ll see it too, you just need a chance to shine.

Put Yourself In A Place Where You Have A Competitive Advantage

I wouldn’t tell my students that a Golden Globe afterparty is a great place to meet women.

I mean don’t get me wrong, an after-party attended by famous and gorgeous people could be a great place to meet women if you too are famous and beautiful.

This idea of putting yourself in a situation where you are seen as more appealing than surrounding men is what Jeff and I spoke about.

Jeff is a poker player and spoke about the importance of table selection. In other words, when you enter a casino and are scoping out which table to play at do you really want to sit down at the table surrounded by guys with headphones and sunglasses on and that look like they just won a Vegas poker tournament? Or do you want to sit with a younger, drunker crowd of frat bros that clearly are on vacation and want to blow (read; lose) a bunch of money?

What we learn from table selection is to put yourself in a favorable environment.

This means not trying to meet women at events that are frequented by guys. Stop meeting women at sporting events or the gym. Instead, meet women at salsa and yoga classes, pottery and painting classes, and even towns and cities where you’ll find more women than men.

Burst Through The Stereotypes

As you know well, there is a myriad of stereotypes about Asian men that range from Asian guys being effeminate to Asian dudes having tiny penises.

The best dating tip for Asian guys that I can give is that you are not a stereotype. You are a complex individual with your own unique personality and penis size. The thing is, how we date today doesn’t often allow you to put your personality on full display.

Take dating apps for example.

A 2017 study found that 39% of all new heterosexual couples met online. This stat will only grow as young people continue to embrace dating apps with palms open and fingers in swiping position.

What sucks about online dating is that it doesn’t allow users to showcase who they are. Rather, apps like Tinder and Bumble reduce users to cards. What women are effectively swiping left and right on can’t even be called dating resumes. Dating apps are superficial and thus make users rely on stereotypes to make their decisions.

As an Asian man, women on dating apps will assign you traits associated with your race’s stereotype. She’ll think you’re nerdy, short, aren’t well endowed, can’t dress, etc. These apps are reductionist and impede them from seeing who you really are.

This issue can be dealt with in two ways.

First the obvious.

Ditch The Dating Apps

Just because all your friends are using dating apps doesn’t mean you have to too. You’ve seen that dating apps are both shallow and largely ineffective. Meeting women IRL is still possible, despite the online trend.

Interacting with women face to face will help you break down stereotypes in a matter of sentences. Meeting women IRL guarantees that she’ll have to wait to get to know you a bit more before swiping left or right. If you don’t know how to meet women IRL, here are some suggestions:

Join an exercise class
Sign up for a co-ed sports team
Join your favorite Meetup group
Go to more parties and shows
Ask you friends to introduce you to their female friends
Ask a co-worker or acquaintance out

I understand the convenience of hiding behind a screen. Face to face rejection is a much more gut-wrenching form of rejection. Luckily, I have a trick to mitigate the fear of rejection.

One trick is to get rejected until you learn how to deal with the pain, just like Jia Jang did.

Another trick is to reframe your interactions.

Interacting with a female with a win or lose mindset puts too much pressure on yourself. Don’t hype yourself up and tell yourself that anything but her number is a failure. It’s this mentality that will deter you from approaching women. Instead of putting undue pressure on your shoulders, change your mindset.

Approach each woman with the intention of having a conversation, nothing more. Not only will this mitigate any fear you have but it will make you a better conversationalist. Should the conversation go well, ask for her number.

Revamp Your Dating Profile

The other way to not let stereotypes get in the way of your romantic success is to change your presentation. Chances are your profile isn’t as appealing as it could be.

Do you use selfies, wear the same shirt in multiple photos, or don sunglasses that obscure your face? If so, it’s time to revamp your profile.

The first component that needs a makeover is your photo roster.

Choose photos that take these dating tips for Asian guys in mind:

No selfies.
Upload at least one athletic photo or photo with a dog.
The first two photos should clearly show your face.
Dress up in one photo.
Show off your hobbies.
International travel photos are a must.
6-8 photos is the sweet spot.
1-2 group photos. Just make sure you’re the most attractive one of the bunch.
Avoid photos with former significant other.

Your objective is to show off your personality as much as possible. This can’t be done without writing a witty bio. Don’t know what that looks like? Here are a few examples.

Dating Advice for Asian Guys, Conclusion

Quality men are hard to find nowadays.

With women now graduating college at higher clips than men, women are finding that there are only so many men that satisfy their romantic checklists. Are you educated, have a good job, and no longer live with your parents? If so, you’re in a better position than millions of other single men.

Another boon you’ve got going for you is that while women of other races may not immediately have the hots for you, Asian women will. Remember that OkCupid study I referenced before? It found that Asian women find Asian men significantly more attractive than they do men of other races. This attraction is even stronger than the attraction white women feel for white men, black women feel about black dudes, or Latino women feel about Latino guys.

But that isn’t to say that you don’t have good chances of dating outside of your race. In 2015, 17% of newlyweds were interracial couples. Now is the best time in our history to date someone outside of your own race.

There’s one more thing you’ve got going for you. Me.

Dating Decoded

It’s tough dating alone, so don’t.

We teach our students the shortcut to finding their ideal match by MegaDating. MegaDating is our dating philosophy and it shapes everything we teach here at emlovz. Simply put MegaDating is dating prolifically with the specific goal of going on 20 dates in 90 days. This will give you ample women to compare and contrast so you can refine not only your dating skills but also who your ideal partner is.

To teach you how to quickly find highly compatible women in just weeks and become the most eligible bachelor in town you’ll team up with romantic experts, each skilled in their own unique area to support you.

Our Team

Emyli (me), co-founder, curriculum developer, head coach, and I host two coaching sessions every week
Thomas, co-founder, and coach. He’ll lead the biweekly Man Cave event where men come together to talk dating, bond with one another, and support other single men
Cat, Brooke, and Audrey are mock date specialists. Go on a practice date with them (and receive feedback) before your next date
Hailey is your new stylist. She’s worked with celebs from every industry and is now about to raid your closet
Tilly is our holistic sex & intimacy coach. She’ll help you get the most out of your sex life so you and your partner are happier between the sheets
Aundrea is an award-winning fitness coach. Are you ready to eat right and build muscle?
Mia is our social media expert. Revamp your Facebook and Instagram profiles with her help and start meeting women online

Our Community

And look, we realize that the single life can be difficult. If accepted into our coaching program, Dating Decoded, you’d be joining a community of supportive men and coaches who are there to listen, support, and encourage you as you navigate the single life.

Our program offers every student a lifetime membership (as if you’ll need it) so the support won’t stop until you’ve found your ideal partner.

If you’re ready to find your forever partner, book a Zoom session with our team today. Together we’ll talk about your dating history, your goals and show you how our program, Dating Decoded, can help you find your ideal partner.

Learn how our students have already improved their dating lives.

Is Your Tinder Elo Score Secretly Blocking You? Here’s What You Can Do

Wondering if your Tinder Elo score is somehow blocking you from getting matches you’re really excited about?

We all like to think that our love lives are controlled by the universe, Cupid, or whatever other avatar our mind gravitates towards.

But the unromantic truth is that, that’s just not the case — especially if you use dating apps.

Ladies and gents of Tinder, meet your not-so-magical love fairy, Elo.

Elo doesn’t have a face, a sweet backstory, or some cool gadgetry like other agents of love, however, it does have a goal.

That goal is to assign you a desirability score and put you in front of profiles that have a similar score.

You Tinder Elo score is the app’s algorithm for ranking how desirable you are.

And if you’re afraid that your crap Elo score is what’s preventing you from seeing Tinder’s most sizzlin’ singles then you might be right, but to find out you’ll just have to break into Tinder headquarters, hold a developer hostage, and force them to disclose Tinder’s secrets — or you can just keep reading.

Tinder Elo Score – How It Works & How To Improve It

First things first, let’s address a blog post Tinder published in 2019.

In this post, Tinder announced that it was officially no longer using Elo to score users.

Tinder writes:

“Today, we don’t rely on Elo — though it is still important for us to consider both parties who Like profiles to form a match. Our current system adjusts the potential matches you see each and every time your profile is Liked or Noped, and any changes to the order of your potential matches are reflected within 24 hours or so. There you have it.”

The app goes on to say that due to advances they no longer give each user a specified desirability score.

However, as you can see from the quote above Tinder still factors into its algorithm if users were swiped left or right on.

Whether they call it an Elo score or not, Tinder admits that how users interact with your profile still significantly impacts its algorithm and thus how you interact with other users.

What that said, how exactly does it work?

Tinder’s Has A Bouncer; His Name Is Elo

Elo is the internal algorithm that the apps use to determine your market value.

Your score — in part — determines whose profiles you see.

Now, of course, if you swipe for long enough you’re bound to see women that fall outside of your desirability score.

But how exactly does it work?

From what we can deduce it’s pretty simple.

The more positive attention you receive the more points you get.

Positive attention could mean getting swiped right on, having your message responded to, or having a bunch of dudes swipe right on the woman you just matched with. Your Elo score doesn’t stay stagnant when you get off the app. Should users deem the women you match with desirable (or even the woman you swipe left on) your rating will go up.

As we mentioned, every time you log into the app you’re likely to see people that have a similar Elo score. Tinder does this in order to keep you logged on and swiping. However, if you swipe for long enough Tinder has no choice but to show you people that are either out of your league or severely below it.

The Blind Swipe

If you’re a guy, chances are you’ve probably done this before.

I’m not referring to the building of a machine that has the sole purpose of swiping right, but rather the act of blindly swiping right no matter how much of a bot the user is.

Remember that each swipe carries weight.

If you swipe right on someone with a low Elo score, Tinder will in turn lower your score.

If you want to see leverage Tinder’s Elo score to meet more beautiful women you’ll need to be more selective.

However, that’s not the only hack you have at your fingertips.

Smile Your Way Up The Rankings

Tinder — along with every other dating app — is a sausage fest.

As men far outnumber women on dating apps, it’s vitally important that they put their best face forward.

All apps, and in particular, Tinder are superficial.

This means that by far your photo roster is the most important aspect of your profile.

Before thinking, “well I’m not good looking so I guess I’m screwed” just hold off for a second.

You don’t need to look like Brad Pitt to up your Elo score.

You don’t need a new face, you need new photos.

If you’re interested in taking photos that get swiped right on just stroke this little blue button.

But even if you learn how to take selfies (which btw is a big no-no) as well as Kim Kardashian you still won’t know if the photos is quality or not until you get someone else’s opinion.

There are a few ways to do this:

— A/B test with Tinder

— Ask female friends

— Use Photofeeler

Photofeeler is the only of the three that receives an abundance of ratings (and advice) from strangers.

As you can see a user can ask others to rate their profile based on a number of characteristics of their choosing.

Your Profile Is Basic Bro

You know what a basic female profile looks like right?

It has 3 selfies and at some point she has to mention her love for the beach, sunset, and tacos – sometimes all three.

This is the kind of profile you’d 100% swipe left on (unless you’re swiping blind).

Why?

Because it’s basic.

There are a million other profiles just like this one, so there’s nothing that makes this profile stand out.

Thing is, guys are guilty of being basic too.

So what does a basic profile look like for a man.

Yep you guessed it.

Sorry Dave, but this public mockery is for your own good and I’ll show you why.

We all know that men have a more difficult task scoring a match than women right?

So what happens when a man and woman put out similarly basic profiles?

This happens.

Due to the dating apps being lopsided women will always have the upper hand and get more matches than men.

Because it’s inherently more difficult for men to score a match than it is for a woman, men have to try that much harder.

To create a profile that isn’t basic follow these rules:

Photo 1: Close-up headshot (no fish)

Photo 2: Full-body shot with nice background (keep your shirt on)

3: Hobby shot (unless your hobby is taking shirtless bathroom selfies with fish)

4: Classy shot

5: Group shot (make sure you’re most attractive of the group)

Oh and don’t forget to write something in your bio.

If you don’t know what to write, watch this declassified video from the US government that shows spies how to create bomb Tinder bios.

Psst… I’m the one the CIA hired to teach US spies how to create dating app bios. So yeah you may want to give me a call.

Check That Spelling

Imagine hiring someone only to read on their resume that they spelling the title of the job they’re applying to incorrectly.

Next.

Women feel the same way on dating apps.

Sure it sounds trivial but this is your very first impression. If you’re not up to snuff there are thousands of guys right behind you that know how to properly spell the words “fish” and “tacos.”

Restart Your Tinder Elo… Kinda

Your Tinder Elo score doesn’t magically refresh every few months.

The only way to start over again is to delete the app.

However, dating apps have done a pretty good job at spotting those that delete their app only to re-download it shortly after.

Instead of deleting your app, I recommend opening up a new one.

Nowadays there are dozens of dating apps to choose from, you just need to figure out which one’s right for you.

I recommend clients use 5 dating apps.

Doing so ensures that there are no women falling through the cracks.

If you’re overwhelmed and don’t know which app to pick I recommend Hinge. Not because I’m an ambassador but because many a client of mine has had pleasant experiences with the app (they also have hilarious commercials).

As you can see, Hinge is the “dating app designed to be deleted.”

Its algorithm, anti-ghost tech, and milieu make it the perfect app to find a serious relationship. Learn more about the specs and how to pen a solid opener here.

You’re Pickier Than A 3rd Grader With A Dry Nose

I know you’re interested in picking up a young hottie 10 years your junior.

The urge is natural.

But getting rejected is natural as well.

Studies show that an age gap greater than 10 years is not likely to work out. You have different reference points, bodies, goals, ways of communicating, credit scores, etc.

Swiping right on fantasies can seriously lower your Tinder Elo score.

It’s Not You, It’s Your Area Code

If you live in an area where everyone is much older or you live outside a major city or in a small community, it can be helpful to upgrade your apps.

I recommend upgrading on Bumble, Hinge, and Tinder.

Each of these apps has a travel feature that allows you to choose where you want to swipe. Look if you live in a tiny city or town your pool of options will be shallow.

Fill up that pool by upgrading and swiping in a nearby city.

Stay Fresh, Clean, And Updated

Every time you update your photos or self-summary, you get shown again to new women who previously swiped right.

Imagine you added a scuba photo to your dating profile.

Before that was there, the algorithm didn’t show you to the scuba girls because they didn’t think you’d be a good fit but now, the algorithm matches you with every woman who has a scuba photo or keyword in their profile.

You want to update your apps every week or so or whenever you notice that you’re running out of leads.

Stay Active

Remember that Tinder blog I mentioned about 1,500 words ago?

Probably not.

Anyways this is the post that claims that Elo is dead.

In it, the post straight-up tells you the best way to score more matches.

“We prioritize potential matches who are active, and active at the same time.
We don’t want to waste your time showing you profiles of inactive members. Tinders wants you chatting and meeting IRL. And there’s nothing better than matching and immediately striking up a conversation.
Using the app helps you be more front and center, see more profiles and make more matches. This is the most important part of our algorithm — and it’s totally in your control.”

Now, I’m sure there’s truth to this claim, however, it could also be a ruse to get you to spend more time on the app.

Whatever the case may be Tinder makes a good point.

Swiping boosts the chance that you’ll be seen and make a match that leads to a date.

Why?

It’s simple really. When you match AND SEND A MESSAGE, you’re at the top of the queue. Even though she has a billion unread messages, you’re the first unread one.

For this brief moment, you have her attention.

How you decide to manage this interaction is on you.

Meeting Women In Person

There is a stat that I love to throw around.

39% of all new relationships start online (here’s a cute graph to prove it).

Meeting online is the most common way to meet online, however, 61% of all new relationships still start offline.

Dating apps are super convenient, but they can also work to our detriment. It’s easy to opt to stay at home and swipe on Tinder or opt not to talk to women in the bar and instead get your swipe on. If you find yourself doing this, Tinder has become a crutch rather than a tool.

There is a massive opportunity to meet women in bars, through friends, at parties, at the gym, at work, via school, activities, Meetups, co-ed sports leagues, yoga, dance class, volunteering, speed dating, church groups, etc.

While meeting women IRL is scarier than meeting them online, you have a better chance at sparking attraction, getting a number, and evaluating compatibility.

Like with online dating, courting women in person is a learned skill. With the right guidance and practice you can learn what it takes to meet women IRL. This way you can use both on and offline tactics to meet amazing women.