Sexual tension is what separates you from the rest of the pack. It’s the sultry barrier between the friend zone and romance. Sexual tension is that feeling of sexual desire. It’s when you stare into her eyes and communicate your thoughts and desires without lifting a finger, it’s her playfully punching you as you walk down a romantically lit street, and it’s what every date needs to succeed. But why is learning how to build sexual tension so vital to a fledgling flame?

Sexual tension is a stepping-stone to a more substantial dynamic. The elixir of romance is comprised of many aspects, one of the most important being sexual relations. To do this you need to first build sexual tension. A woman’s desire to be sexual with you can be illustrated by a pot of water over a burner. Before she’s willing to give herself to you she must first be boiling with sexual desire. However, the boiling process is one that takes time, you can’t merely turn the burners on and immediately expect her to jump you.

Rather, the flames of desire must be kept burning for an extended period of time. Every woman’s pot of desire if filled with different levels of water. Some may be quick to boil while others take longer. No matter how long it takes, learning how to build sexual tension will help you accelerate your relationship.

Build Sexual Tension Through Dating Apps

If you’re MegaDating, most likely you’re meeting most of your dates through dating applications like Bumble, Hinge, or Coffee Meets Bagel. Establishing sexual tension through an application is a delicate matter. In real life, should you slip up you can redeem yourself moments later. Slip up on a dating app however and you might find yourself ghosted.

Feel out your match, but by and large it’s safe to stay away from overtly sexual messages. Don’t tell her you want her in your bed or that you’ve been dreaming of sticking her with a few wet ones. When using a dating app, keep all romantic overtures suitable for a PG-13 movie. A solid flirty opener that a guy sent me a while back was “Hey Em, so tell me. How can I make you fall in love with me?” It’s a bit sappy, but also cute, harmless, and confident. When getting your virtual flirt on feel free to treat sexual tension that move like a seesaw. Oscillate back and forth between flirty and platonic messages.

Remember that the ultimate goal of using a dating app is to meetup with your match in real life. Use sexual tension to transcend the confines of the app and segue into an IRL date.

How To Initially Build Sexual Tension With A Woman In Person

While meeting someone online is the en vogue route to romance, the tried and true path involves finding romantic prospects in real life. Most guys make the mistake of thinking that building sexual tension means behaving in a sexual manner. This isn’t the case. Building that tension is merely about creating sexual desire. This can be achieved in various ways. No matter if you’re meeting women at parties, bars, palates classes, political rallies, or somewhere else, there are a few things that you can do that are bound to create positive tension.

Foremost, be confident. No need to walk around with an erect chest but be sure of your movements and choice of words. If you’re with a group of people show off your charisma. Let your extrovert flag fly high as all the eyes in the room gravitate to you. Should you want to traverse the invisible buffer zone, touch a woman in a non-sexual area. Touching her upper back after a joke is a safe way to build sexual tension and signal your intent.

How To Build Sexual Tension Before A First Date

Now that you have her phone number in hand it’s time to turn up the heat. In your possession lies the number of a woman that you’ll soon be dating. She’s already agreed to see you this Wednesday at Ocean Beach to watch the sunset accompanied by cheese and wine. The gods of romance are looking down upon you favorably, but even they can’t save you from a misguided text.

Your main mission during the pre-date hiatus is to not mess things up. Sounds easy, but sometimes our excitement has a way of manifesting itself in the form of sappy or salacious messages. Ideally there’s a three-day waiting period between the TDL and date. During this period the only texts you should be sending are ones that make her excited about the date to come. Don’t ask her how her day was or what her favorite band is, all this will be revealed during the date. Sometimes sexual tension is best built when you use silence as your wingman.

A day before the date goes down send her a flirty message that peaks her excitement. Address the date in your message. Doing so kills two birds with one stone. You can both confirm the date as well as stoke the sexual tension.

How to Build Sexual Tension While On A Date

All that flirtatious texting that took place before the date was just foreplay. Now it’s time for the real fireworks to go off. Since it’s the first date you still don’t want to be too explicit with your sexual overtures. Here are a few ways to create sexual tension without turning her off.

1. Get Close

There’s an indivisible boundary between you and your date. Depending on the context that boundary can be five inches or three feet between the two of you. Crossing over into unchartered territory will create a thought bubble. That thought bubble will linger over her head the entire night. The particular thought she’ll have in mind is; will he kiss me? Getting and staying close creates suspense. The kiss is your call, but after a night of building sexual tension you should feel confident about leaning in for a wet one.

2. Let That Touch Linger

A touch on the hand or upper back is one thing, but letting it linger is a sure-fire way to get her hands sweaty. Each touch carries with it intent. But sometimes these signals are being missed. Or perhaps you two have been giving each other the same monotonous touches all night long. Break up that rhythm by placing your hand on her back for an extra moment or sliding it across her upper back. Touching her will release romantic neurotransmitters such as dopamine and oxytocin. A sensual touch is the precursor to a kiss. Don’t even think about sharing a closed-lipped secret until substantial touching has taken place.

3. Strong Eye Contact

Clichés are the perpetual bane of readers, but despite having their meanings bleached by over usage, they carry with them a grain of truth. It may be an age-old truism, but it’s also accurate, eyes really are the windows to the soul. To prove it, a few researchers took to the laboratory to find out how a gaze affects one’s feelings. They found that “…subjects who were gazing at their partner’s eyes, and whose partner was gazing back reported significantly higher feelings of affection than subjects in any other condition.”

The study’s language is clear. Participants weren’t just looking, but gazing in their partner’s eyes. A gaze can be understood as looking into the eye of another for an extended period of time. For me, the depth of the gaze is more important than the duration. The next time you gaze into her eyes, do so, so that you can literally see your reflection in them. Peer into her eyes as though you’re sticking a flashlight inside and exploring her soul. Gazes allow you to dig deeper. That’s what sexual tension is all about.

4. The Emotional Seesaw

Sexual tension should be constructed the same way that El Toro is. Akin to arguably the most famous roller coaster in the world, sexual tension isn’t a free fall that gets the blood boiling quickly and for a long period of time. Rather, sexual tension is all about coasting with delightful chatter before putting your foot on the accelerator. The flirty gestures thrown her way shouldn’t be constant, but rather sprinkled in throughout the night.

5. Disagree

Being agreeable is how you want to act during Thanksgiving dinners with the in-laws. But on a date, disagreeing and adding a new perspective to the conversation requires your date to flex her intellectual muscles. Politely nodding and cheering on your date’s opinions will win you brownie points. But you’ll never accumulate enough points to cash in on something substantial.

I’m not advising arguing over the morality of abortion. But I am saying that should your opinion differ on a non-sensitive matter, make your voice heard, just be respectful. Strong independent women love a man who shares his point of view, even if it differs from hers.

6. Lead, Don’t Push

Being that most women still conform to heteronormative gender roles she’ll probably kick back and let you be the one to move the sexual barometer. It’s on you to initiate physical contact. Push the boundaries all the while being cognizant of what’s permissible. Read your date in order to understand where the line is. If you’re unsure, you can always ask. “Your hands are looking a little cold there, want me to warm them up?”

7. Make Her Feel Secure

It’s much easier for us women to give ourselves to men if they make us feel safe. We don’t want our dates to come off as asexual beings that have no interest in us; that’s a whole different level of safety. We just want you to assure us that no physical or mental harm will come from this date. Acting in an assured, respectful, and natural manner will persuade us to let our guard down. Once you’ve generated a feeling of safety we’ll be much more receptive to flirty overtures.

Building Sexual Tension In Between Dates

If all went well on your first date, it’s on to the second date. By this point you’ve built a solid foundation of sexual tension. The limbo stage that is the waiting period between the first and second date should be a time best spent waiting.

The few texts you do send to her should purpose to excite her for the next date to come. Still keep things PG-13 but add a little extra spice to your messages. Build on the flirty moments that you shared during the first date. If you kissed on the initial date, compliment her kissing ability and tell her you hope to learn more about her in the future.

Do keep in mind that the time between the first and second date is one of the most crucial turning points in an early relationship. Check out a guest post article written by a past client of mine on Texting Between the First and Second Date for more tips on this matter.

How to Increase Sexual Tension On The Second And Third Dates

By this point you have already made deep eye contact, stroked her back, and flirted with her in a sexual manner. There is no significant difference between generating sexual tension between the first and second or third date. Keep doing what works, but put your foot on the accelerator just a bit more.

Let your hand wander a bit more and keep that gaze locked in. The chief difference in building sexual tension at a later stage in the relationship revolves around slowly making your sexual gestures more explicit. Recycling the same exact gestures will lead to stagnation. Keep the gestures more or less the same, but move the level of intensity from steamy to boiling.

It’s true that building sexual tension is an art. If you’re looking for a teacher well versed in what women want, become privy to all our secrets and book a 1-on-1 New Client Skype session with me to learn all about building sexual tension and to see if my 3 month coaching program could help you reach your dating goals.