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How to Follow Up With Her If She Didn’t Reply to Your First Online Dating Message

By Emyli LovzFebruary 9, 2019Online Dating
she didn't reply to your first online dating message

All men have at one time been the recipients of silence –it’s the nature of online dating. It doesn’t matter how witty your initial message was, for reasons both under and outside of your control she decided not to respond. So is all hope lost of conversing with this person? Not entirely.

With the bottomless well of profiles that can be found on online dating platforms it isn’t difficult to find another person to strike up a conversation with. But every once in a while we find an individual that peaks our interest. It can hurt if she didn’t reply to your first online dating message, but this doesn’t mean all hope is lost. By carefully crafting your second message you can still recover the conversation that you so dearly desire.

Stay Patient

Men and women have distinctly different online dating experiences. To illustrate this, the next time you’re with a female friend -both of you open Tinder and swipe right to every profile. Her matches will vastly outnumber yours despite the quality of her profile.

The fact that she’s so coveted on dating applications means that she, unlike you, silences notifications. Should she receive a new message from a match it’ll probably go unnoticed until the next time she opens her application. Once she finally does open the app she’ll be welcomed by potentially dozens of new matches and messages.

The point I’m circling is that women don’t check dating apps as often as men do. Wait between 48-72 hours before sending her a second message. Writing her before the mandated waiting period is a sign of desperation. Acknowledge that the most likely reason she hasn’t responded is that she simply hasn’t checked her phone.

Review Your First Message to Her

While it’s more than possible that she never saw your first message, there’s always a chance that she saw it and deemed it unworthy of a response. The vapid openers like hey and its many variations don’t merit a response no matter how compelling your profile might be.

(Hint: If you’re struggling to craft a great bio, check out my articles on the Best Tinder Bios for Guys & a List of the Best Bumble Bios.)

A quality initial message is one that addresses something in her profile and makes her think (but not too much). The purpose of an opening message is to receive another in response. Does your initial message demand a response? If not, go back to the drawing board, put your Don Draper cap on and scribble out a new opener.

If you’re content with your first message, add onto it.

For example, let’s say your initial opening line was something like this: “Tell me something cool about you.” Expand on it by saying, “Really? There’s nothing cool about you? I don’t believe you.” This is playful and walks the line of being disrespectful without crossing it. Sending a second message that has nothing to do with the first can be jarring. If you have the ability to inject a little wit into the conversation do it.

Call Her By Her Name

Was there ever a word so sweet as one’s own name? Studies have shown that several regions of the brain light up when hearing your own name. To get that dopamine coursing through the brain, start off the second with her name.

It’s a small trick, but doing so will give the message that personal touch it needs to make her feel special.

The Anatomy Of The Second Message

There are more than a couple things to keep in mind when you’re constructing a second online dating message. You’ve already been briefed on why you should include her name in the message, but there are other key pieces that must be intricately woven together to create a message that elicits a response.

As you may have learned from your first message, sending a paltry hello won’t get you very far. If this was your first message  -you’ve been granted a blessing.

Hello carries no baggage with it, and thus allows you to start over as if you had never sent a vapid message in the first place. If this is the case you can choose to create a second message informed by her profile. Address something in her bio or profile in a positive and playful manner. Keep in mind not to write an essay. Rambling is off-putting. Think concise and don’t forget to edit.

Alter Your Profile

Swapping out a couple photos and revising your bio may seem like a dramatic course of action just to attract the attention of one girl. But if you’re dead-set on grabbing her attention I won’t deter you. Don’t start your profile from scratch if she doesn’t respond to your first message –there’s a reason you matched with her in the first place. But reordering your profile pictures and tossing a couple new ones into the mix can signal growth and show variety. Do the same for your bio by keeping what works and revising the rest.

Should your match check your profile after having made the aforementioned adjustments she’ll take note of the evolution of your profile and feel that she’s lucked out with an entirely new match. If you’re uncertain of which new photo to add to your profile, consult the experts. By experts I’m referring to female friends, with female brains, and female desires. Shoot a few pictures out to friends and ask for feedback.

I also recommend Photofeeler.com for unbiased feedback of your dating photos.

Follow Up More Than Once

So she didn’t respond to your initial message. As we’ve discussed, there are plenty of reasons for this that justify sending a second message. But what happens should she not respond to your second follow up message?

As odd as this may sound, sending more than two messages without a response is permissible. The key is to be both respectful and desirable. Sending five variations of “hey” without reply is an indication that you should rethink your messaging strategy or bite the bullet and hire a dating coach.

Wait between 24-48 hours to message her again after having sent the second message. If you’re feeling odd about sending yet another unsolicited message think about it this way. She probably gets multiple messages every day. This means that with every message she receives you’re being pushed down into the depths of her inbox. She’ll never respond to your message if you’re floundering unnoticed at the bottom of her inbox. A playful message shoots you back up to the top of the queue and increases the odds of your greeting being read and responded to.

Feel free to send up to 7 messages to her (over a 2 week timeframe). But once that seventh message has been sent keep your fingers off the keyboard, cross your fingers, and hope that the dating app gods (or algorithms) look kindly upon you.

She Didn’t Reply to Your First Online Dating Message? Stay Cool.

Every message you send via a dating app needs to be calculated. This rule applies even more so to second and third messages than initial ones. Don’t let your annoyance or disappointment show. Allow your messages to remain free of any indication of dissatisfaction. You’ll never receive a response if you stress your discontent with the lack of dialogue.

Before pressing send, edit your message so that it’s free of negative emotion. Keep your wits about you by sending a well thought out message that demonstrates your value rather than your disappointment.

Don’t let your fantasies glorify a profile. Remember that each profile is but a snapshot of a person. There’s no need to get overly emotional or attached to someone you know next to nothing about. With the copious amount of people on dating applications there’s no doubt you’ll soon enough meet someone that’s worth being infatuated with. If you find yourself getting hung up on one girl, try MegaDating.


MegaDating is the approach I took to dating during my 100-date experiment. Before you confuse MegaDating with some PUA tactic allow me to clarify. MegaDating is merely the act of dating prolifically. Going on multiple dates a week seems daunting, but the benefits are worth it. Not only will you quickly meet a woman you value but you’ll learn how not to settle, gain confidence, worry less, and refine all of your dating skills.

Know When To Move On

No matter how well thought out and respectful your messages may be, there is a limit as to how many messages you can send before you turn into a creeper. Three to seven total messages is the magic number. Any less and you still have room to maneuver.

Send just one more than three and you’ll most likely be labeled a weirdo. Don’t stray into oddball territory. Acknowledge that the world won’t end simply because she didn’t reply to your first online dating message. Save face and don’t waste time with a lost cause. It’s more than likely that you’ll find your next romantic partner on an online dating application. Use your energy wisely and get swiping.

Earning the attention of a match is no small feat should your first message go untouched. Should you desire a detailed walk-through of how to communicate with women via dating applications feel free to discuss your desires with me via a New Client 1-on-1 Skype Session.

During our intro session, we’ll diagnose your dating history, discuss your dating goals, create an action plan, and see if my 3 month Signature coaching program is right for you. My Signature program has helped hundreds of men find their next relationship in just 90 days or less.