Dating during divorce — or to put it bluntly, dating when your divorce isn’t finalized yet — is tricky but not uncommon. If you’re in this boat, I bet you’re experiencing one or more of the following:

• Your potential dates keep saying “your situation seems complicated”
• You struggle to get past the first date after admitting you’re still (technically) married
• Women tend to end things after finding out you’re separated, not divorced
• Women constantly ghost you or brush you off
• You feel totally overwhelmed

It’s hard to move on when you have to tell women you’re not exactly divorced while you wait for your divorce to go through. And believe it or not, I’ve worked with students in my coaching business who haven’t even initiated the signing of the papers (although I make sure the wife is aware and on the same page). Divorce isn’t an easy, black-and-white situation.

Still, the struggle of dating during divorce is real. In this article, I’ll show you how to navigate it — from how to prepare for dating, to creating your online dating profile, to finally broaching the subject with potential dates.

First, What Is Separation?

Let’s start with the basics. As tempting as it is to want to move on, being separated doesn’t mean you’re not married. You simply live apart from your spouse. Your marriage is still legal (even if you documented your separation legally). So what you do during this period of separation could affect your divorce process. That of course, includes dating.

Ascent Law Firm tells us there are three types of separation. Here’s what each of them means and how your decision to date could affect each one.

Trial Separation

Let’s say you and your ex-spouse decide to separate. You move out to your own apartment or vice versa. Your separation isn’t documented formally, but you both agree that you can’t live together, at least not right now. You might even still be trying to decide whether or not to get back together. Perhaps you’re just taking a break from the relationship.

If this is your situation, you are still financially tied to your ex. All the same financial rules and responsibilities apply as if you were still a married couple. So dating someone when you’re in a trial separation can be dicey. You may not have even fully ended the marriage emotionally, so starting a relationship with someone new will be very hard to do.

Also, since your finances are not completely your own (you share them jointly with your ex), your ex might even try to claim any money you get from your new girlfriend. It’s not guaranteed obviously, but you leave the door open by not legalizing your separation and then attempting to date.

Permanent Separation

Permanent separation means you live apart from your spouse without any intention of getting back together — but you’re not divorced either.

Because you have no intention of getting back together, a court may consider the date you separated as when you no longer are tied to each other financially. What you each earn from that date forward, and any debts you incur, now belong to you individually. You don’t have to share any property you buy after that date.

So maybe that new condo you buy and moved your girlfriend into would be safe… but maybe not. Since the date of permanent separation means so much financially, your ex could strongly contest it, and many often do.

Permanent separation also doesn’t mean that both parties want to divorce. One could still want to get back together. So proving that you have a permanent separation can be hard.

Legal Separation

If you’re legally separated that means you filed a request in family court. It actually changes your marital status in the eyes of the law. You aren’t married… but you can’t marry anyone else, either. What a legal separation agreement does though, is iron out all the questions about how you’ll divide your property, share custody of your kids, and so forth.

Why get a legal separation? Maybe your religion looks down on divorce. Perhaps you think it would benefit your children in some way. Or maybe you just need to keep your health insurance (yes, that’s definitely a thing — although it doesn’t always work, so be careful).

Lots of people who don’t want to divorce live as legally separated for years. Even indefinitely. Obviously, if you’re legally separated, you’d probably want to date during this time. Just know that, like other types of separation, fewer women would be okay with dating you. The legality of your separation improves things but doesn’t give you the same green light that a divorce would.

That being said what matters most is that you’re mentally prepared to date again. However, even if you’re ready there are some potential consequences to dating.

What Are the Risks of Dating While Separated?

Dating while you’re separated has its benefits, but you should also be aware of the risks. Let’s take a look at some of them.

Your Ex May Accuse You Of Adultery

Yep. Here’s the thing: If you have a sexual relationship with someone else before you’re officially divorced, it’s actually adultery. That includes if you were legally separated, according to LegalZoom.

So what does it mean when you commit adultery? Possibly, your ex could use it against you in court. If your ex can prove that you’re having an “affair,” then it could affect your marital settlement. It depends on what state you live in, but it could be especially true if you move in with your new partner quickly, like within a few weeks or months. If you’re in an “at-fault” state, adultery could be used to justify why your ex deserves a bigger settlement.

Your Current Love Interest Will Be Used Against You In Custody Decisions

Dating during separation can really complicate custody battles, say the folks at Altshuler Law. First, your new girlfriend’s character and lifestyle could affect how the judge sees you as a father. If she has any kind of issues with drug abuse, alcoholism, or seems irresponsible or a danger to the kids in any way, that could be used against you when negotiating how much time you get with your children.

Especially if you live with her. Or, even worse — let’s say she helps you out financially. That could affect how much you have to pay in child support, or even alimony, if your ex decides to pursue it.

You’re Missing the Chance to Get Back Together With Your Ex

So far, we’ve been assuming that you don’t ever want to get back together with your ex. But what if you’re not sure? Perhaps this is a trial separation and you’re thinking that while you’re separated, why not just “try” dating too?

The problem is, if you date during a separation when your intentions are still fuzzy, you close the door on a possible reconciliation. Once you actually start seeing someone else, it will be very hard for your ex to see you the same way. She may assume that it’s over. But sometimes we decide to separate from our partner just so we can center ourselves before trying to work things out. Or, we might use separation as a distraction but still want to be with our partner in the end.

Consider counseling if you think you may eventually want to get back together. That way you can keep your options open.

You’ll Undermine Your Long-Term Relationship With Your Ex

What could have been an amicable divorce can get ugly really quickly. Seeing you move on to a new partner within weeks or months could anger your ex or make her not trust you.

If you’re trying to negotiate alimony and/or custody, her attitude will greatly affect how smoothly things go. Start dating now, and you could activate a side of your ex you don’t want to see — which could hit your wallet pretty hard.

How to Prepare for Dating

Take some time to get your head straight before you throw yourself back on the dating market. Just because you’re dating during divorce doesn’t mean you can’t do it with integrity. You just need to go into it with both eyes open, a willingness to be honest, and a realistic attitude.

Remember That You’re Not Alone

When you’re dating during divorce, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed, as if everyone in the dating world is 100% comfortable and you’re the only one going through something like this. The truth is, there are plenty of women in the exact same situation as you. Yes, the divorce rate in America is going down, but it’s still at 39%. You are not an anomaly.

So if you’re thinking about hiding the fact that your divorce isn’t final, don’t. Remember, for all the men who have to wait for a divorce to go through, there are women who do, too. Your honesty might even help you connect more easily to women who deeply understand and share your situation.

Deal With Any Guilty Feelings

Maybe you’re still technically married because there are other people to consider. For example, if you have kids in college, filing for divorce might jeopardize the financing of their education. Or perhaps an elderly family member or relative who needs your help might suffer if you were to file for divorce right this second.

I get it. Divorce isn’t the cleanest, most organized event people have to deal with in their lives. Chances are likely that filing for divorce won’t only impact you, but many of the people you care deeply about.

Factors like this can delay your ability to take action on your divorce. However, that doesn’t mean you’re not divorced in your heart, mind, and soul. And if that’s the case, I bet you’re feeling pretty lonely.

Loneliness is a tragedy. You don’t have to go through life alone because you’re protecting your children or someone else by waiting to finalize a divorce. It’s all about creating an integrity-based strategy for dealing with all of it.

Consider the Value That You Offer

Consider this question: “If I don’t want marriage or kids with my next girlfriend, what value do I offer her?” It’s a tough question, but you’ll want to get clear on that. The story you tell yourself here will affect your confidence, how you present yourself, and your eventual success in dating during divorce.

So think about the women you’ll be dating during this time. You’ve got a lot of baggage, for sure, but most of us do. What’s most important is that you’re upfront while not forgetting about your worth as a partner and human being.

Figure Out What You’ll Say Publicly

I hear this from students sometimes: “I want to protect my kids. Should I start dating before my wife and I announce our divorce? I’m afraid if someone who knows my wife sees me on a date, the truth will come out before I’m able to explain it.”

Honestly, the news is going to come out, regardless. The question is, do you want to control the narrative when it does? You can either plan for what you’ll do if it comes out unintentionally, or get a jump on it first.

Personally, I’d recommend that you tell everyone yourself. If you don’t, you never know what’s going to happen. You simply can’t control someone else. For example, let’s say a person who happens to see you on a date. Even if they never confront you, what if they find out you’re still married, get a crazy hair (it happens) and call up somebody that you know?

Even worse, what if you get on a first date with someone and realize they’re crazy? (That will happen. There are many people out there who can absolutely be triggered into an unhealthy emotional attachment.) So, imagine you’re dating a woman who gets anxious and emotional about you, Googles your name, and then reaches out to people you’re connected to?

What if she freaks out and starts stalking you? Sure, everyone wants to think that they won’t attract a person who would go nuts on them, but you can’t always tell. And it would cause a tornado of drama — way worse than if you’d told them yourself.

That’s why I say, plan for the best-case scenario and the worst-case scenario. Be direct and open with your friends and family about what’s happening.

You No Longer Are Seeing Your Ex In A Romantic Way

This means there’s no chance that you guys will end up in bed together. Period.

You Initiated The Separation (Ideally)

It’s easier if you were the one who left because it shows you’ve taken the time to really process the idea of separating. If she was the one who left, then you could still be in reactive mode. You may just want to date out of spite or fear of being alone.

You Can Talk About Your Marital Status Without Confusion

Once you’re back in the dating scene, women will want to know what’s going on with your separation. You can’t stumble on this answer. If you can’t explain why you’re not divorced yet without feeling like you have to hide details, or without hemming and hawing, then you’re not ready.

You’ve Taken Time For Yourself

Getting a divorce is a huge change in the direction of your life. You need to reflect on who you are, what you want, and how you will make your next relationship different. This takes time. So if you’re hopping on Bumble or Hinge the night you decide to split from your ex, just chill. It’s too soon.

You Are Able To Tell Your Ex You Are Dating Again

The biggest sign that you can safely date while you’re separated is when you can tell your ex. You’ll know when this is possible.

Creating Your Online Dating Profile

When it comes to your dating profile, you’ll want to be careful about how you present your situation. Here are my best tips for creating a profile that’s honest and yet showcases the awesome person you are.

“Hang a Lantern” on It

The last thing you want to do is fall for a woman, only to find that she no longer wants to be with you because you told her about your marital situation too late. Doing this will cause you to lose her trust — and trust in the most important thing. It lays the foundation.

Instead, “hang a lantern” on it. In politics, when they say “hang a lantern on your problem,” it means admit to the skeletons in your closet before they are exposed by your opponent — because if you bring it up first, it will be way better.

That’s true for dating as well, so “hang a lantern” on your divorce status. Once you do, you might still have to talk it through with your dates later, or maybe there won’t be any drama around it at all. But if it’s going to be an issue, it’s better to find that out before you get too attached, or worse, fall in love.

Mention the divorce, kids and all of that right from the beginning on your profile, if that’s how you’re meeting people. Right front and center. Come up with an elevator pitch that “hangs a lantern” so you’re prepared.

Be Transparent in Your Self-Summary

To help you write your online dating bio or self-summary that “hangs a lantern,” here are a couple of examples:

“I am looking for casual dates and fun with optimistic, smart, fit women who enjoy the spectrum of simple and fancy experiences. I’m amicably divorcing (no drama — we’re moving on while we finalize the paperwork) and just got my own place in the city.”

Or:

“Ideal outcome would be us enjoying an ongoing social friendship and some private “benefits time” when the mood feels right. Let’s explore the possibilities without labeling what we build together.”

Remember, being upfront on your profile may help you relate better to women that you’re interested in.

Don’t Use a Fake Name

While we’re on the subject of your self-summary, let’s talk about your name. Depending on the app you’re on and how you’re using it, you might have the option to not use your real name. Resist that temptation! You might think it’ll protect you from crazies, but you can’t ever protect yourself fully — and it’s not worth the risk. Lying about your name is setting the stage for a dishonest relationship, which isn’t sustainable.

When You Go on Dates…

Once you start the dating process, that’s when the true test comes. Be willing to tackle the subject of your divorce head-on, to avoid any confusion or negative emotions. Here’s how.

Discuss It with Your Dates

If you’re dating online, it’s easier to let people know about your divorce status. Once you hang a lantern on it, you’ll naturally filter out most people who aren’t interested. But if not — or if you happen to meet a woman  in real life first — you will eventually have to talk to them about it in person. The question is, when? Before the first date, or while you’re already on the first date?

Option #1: Tell Them Before the First Date

If it were me, I’d tell them before asking for the first date. Maybe the way you go about asking for the first date is by saying, “I’m in an interesting situation” or “I’m in a unique position. I’m very interested in you and would love to take you on a date but I want to make sure that I’m upfront.” Then, tell her your situation.

When you manage expectations in this way, she’ll see you as trustworthy because nobody would lay out their dirty laundry like that otherwise. That actually makes you more attractive.

Option #2: Tell Them While You’re on the First Date

However, you may decide to wait until the first date to tell her you’re still technically married. If you go that route, here’s how to navigate the conversation. Make it short and sweet. Answer her questions but don’t linger on the subject.

Why? Think about if the tables were turned. What if a woman you went on a date with spent the entire time talking about how she was still married? If she went on and on about going through a contested divorce in court, how comfortable would you be?

Would you want to date somebody that comes to the date and talks to you about all the crap her ex is going to do to her? You won’t exactly be hitting the high notes with the correct woman if you’re married and talking about it for the entire date.

Get Really Good at Overcoming Objections

Let’s face it, you’re probably going to get some. Maybe, in the beginning, you should write them down. Feedback is a gift — so even when things don’t work out, you’ll better understand the objections she had. Then, you can learn to eliminate those objections by hanging a lantern.

To do this, I recommend drafting out a list of objections. List both those you’ve already gotten and those you can anticipate. Then, next to that list, draft out ideas for how you would overcome them. In other words: Write down the objections you get and then write down really great answers to all of them. (Probably what you genuinely feel is a really great answer. You have nothing to hide.)

Think About MegaDating

When you do start dating, it will help if you keep your options open. Assuming you have lots of free time to date, you might want to think about MegaDating to build your confidence and reacquaint yourself with the dating scene faster.

What is MegaDating? It’s simply the philosophy of dating many women at once. Instead of scrolling through profiles or wracking your brain trying to find evidence of “the one,” you simply date whoever seems fun and interesting, and just keep things casual. I actually did this myself by creating a 100-date experiment several years ago and found my long-term partner.

MegaDating accelerates the dating process. Think of it as jumping into the pool head-first. Dive in and date as many people as you can. You’ll get a much quicker read on the current dating market that way. Not to mention, the lessons that take some guys months to learn about dating women today will be obvious to you within weeks.

You’ll also develop a thicker skin. This will help you handle the rejection that’s sure to come your way (that’s just par for the course). When you’re dating several women at the same time, there’s no reason to get bent out of shape over one woman who’s not interested. Not only will your dating life have strong momentum, but it’ll keep you busy — taking your mind off your divorce drama.

If you MegaDate, you’ll also avoid the big trap that’s waiting for lots of guys going through a divorce, which is to get tied down to the first woman they find because they’re afraid to be alone. Settling for someone mediocre is a real risk when you are just coming back to the dating scene and lack confidence. Start MegaDating instead right away, so you end up with a woman you really want.

Dating During Divorce: Honesty Is the Best Policy

If you’re not divorced yet, I’d be willing to bet that things aren’t easy right now. You might not even be sure if you’re really ready to move on. But once you do decide to make that leap, even if your papers aren’t signed, do yourself a favor and avoid creating more problems for yourself. That means, go ahead and date, but do it from an honest place. You really don’t deserve the complications and drama that will come if you’re not upfront with women about this.

It’s scary, for sure. But emlovz can help you create a solid strategy for how you disclose this sensitive information. Every situation is unique. It helps to have an outside perspective from an expert who’s helped other people in your situation navigate the same thing. You don’t have to be alone just because you’re waiting on the court to finalize your divorce.

Many divorced men have joined our program, Dating Decoded with the intention of finding love. Maybe they’re fresh off a divorce or divorced years ago and want to start dating again.

Whatever your case, we’ve developed a program designed to equip you with the modern dating skills you need to know in order to quickly find a super-compatible partner.

Our program is broken down into four pillars:

MegaDating – The emlovz philosophy that informs every aspect of our program, designed to help you date various women at once with the objective of quickly finding the right partner for you

The Perfect Profile – Online dating isn’t just for kids, it’s for all ages, and it’s the easiest way to meet someone. We’ll show you which apps to use, how to create amazing profiles, which photos to choose, and how to attract compatible women online

MegaMessaging + TDL – Going from online stranger to a first date is difficult. Learn how to chat her up online and pivot to an IRL date with the help of a TDL

Date Blueprint – The first three dates are the most crucial. Here you two will either find a spark and feed the flames or decide to move on to the next one.

You’ll learn the ins and outs of dating via our online curriculum, two weekly live sessions, mock dates, and online community. 

Our co-founder Thomas Anthony also hosts a bimonthly Man Cave event where students come together to talk about their dating lives, share wins and losses, and support one another.

We know dating can be lonely, difficult, and hopeless at times. We’re here to make dating fun again and give you the romantic skills to quickly find your ideal partner.

Let’s talk next steps when you book a 1-on-1 Zoom call with our team.

Want a glimpse into your future?

Check out how our students’ lives have changed as a result of enrolling in our program.