Figuring out if you’re dating an alcoholic woman can be harder than you think. While many of us picture an alcoholic as being a “falling-down drunk” like Nicolas Cage’s character in Leaving Las Vegas, the truth is, 32% of alcoholics are actually high-functioning. That means they still hold down jobs, go to school, and enter into romantic relationships — often quite successfully. So it’s very possible to end up dating an alcoholic and not even know it.

My boyfriend told me that he once had an experience like this. Before we were together, a friend introduced him to a woman at a bar. She was pretty drunk when he met her, but it didn’t seem that unusual based on her age. He asked her out, and after he’d been seeing her a while, he started to notice that she had large mood swings and serious issues. It was hard to build a connection with her because oftentimes, she even forgot details of the nights that they went out together! She continued to drink while on every single date. It ended with a huge Valentine’s Day emotional outburst — which shouldn’t have been a surprise.

Dating an alcoholic can sap your energy, make you doubt yourself, and leave you feeling confused and disappointed. Before you invest your energy into someone who may not have the ability to sustain a relationship, here are some strategies to help you spot a possible alcoholic early.

First, Understand the Signs

Not all the signs are going to be obvious — but some will be, once you look back on the situation.

Did You Meet Her at a Bar?

Meeting someone at a bar doesn’t automatically mean they’re alcoholic. But if you’re a social drinker, there’s a bigger chance that the people you meet in that environment will be problem drinkers — just like you might find more “crazy cat ladies” while volunteering at an animal rescue, or more health fanatics at the gym.

If you did meet a woman at a bar, ask yourself: How drunk was she? If you could tell she was drunk, did it seem like that was unusual for her? For example, if she usually gets wasted when she’s out, you might notice that her friends are just rolling their eyes and laughing it off instead of looking concerned. She might also be drinking harder drinks or even challenging people to rounds of shots. On the other hand, if she’s usually a lightweight and you just caught her on a bad night, she might be drunk but also look sick.

When You Get Together, What Do You Usually Do?

Does your time with this woman always include drinking? Maybe you guys did meet at a bar, and so going out drinking is actually a big thing you have in common. Or maybe you’ve tried to come up with other date ideas, but when you listen to her talk about what she likes to do, all she does is talk about partying in one form or another. She might even come over and polish off a bottle of wine by herself after you make her dinner one night!

If it feels like she’s constantly steering your activities back to drinking (even though you’re doing your best to lead by coming up with other compelling date ideas) then you could be dating an alcoholic. Alcoholic tendencies in a person will have an “obsessive” feel to them. A high-functioning alcoholic, in particular, will seem like she has it all together, but will always manage to set the stage to have a “few drinks” — and then get drunk when she doesn’t necessarily intend to.

Can You Remember Having a Sober Date Yet?

Okay, this is where you’ve got to get real with yourself. Have you guys ever had a sober date?

First of all, you should have, if you’ve been following my blueprint for the first three dates. Here’s a recap of the blueprint, in case you missed it:

• Date 1: Spend a maximum of $10 (and no more than one hour).
• Date 2: Do something that’s free and physically active. An outdoor fair with music, a beach volleyball game, or even a meetup at the dog park fits the bill.
• Date 3: Splurge a little and take her out to a nice dinner.

This is how your dates need to go if you want to gain her trust, heighten the sexual tension between you, and maximize your chances of intimacy.

Also, notice a couple of things. The first date only leaves room for having one drink, max. However, other ideas exist – such as ice cream dates, mochi dates, coffee dates…you get my drift. And alcohol shouldn’t even be involved in the second date, since that’s where you need to both be clear enough to get to know each other.

Was it really hard to stick to just one drink on your first date? Did you ask her a bunch of first-date questions to figure out some good second-date ideas — only to discover that all of her interests involve booze? If it’s really that difficult to find activities to please her without having to buy her a ton of drinks, then you might be dating an alcoholic.

Does She Forget Important Details of What You’ve Shared with Her?

Let’s say it’s your third date, and you guys are having a heart-to-heart over dinner at a nice restaurant. You decide to let yourself be vulnerable and tell her about your grandpa’s three-month cancer struggle. It’s a little emotional but she seems to be right there with you, taking it all in.

Then, a week later, you mention that you can’t go out Saturday because you and your sister will be driving up to visit your grandpa. She says, “Oh, are you and your grandpa close?” Your stomach drops as you reply, “Um, no. He’s in a hospice and we’re not sure how much longer we have with him.” Inside, you’re thinking … Literally, I just told this woman last week that my grandpa is freakin’ DYING. And she forgot?!

Granted, that sucks. But before you get too bent out of shape when she forgets stuff, think about her drinking habits. If she’s getting really drunk every time you’re together, there’s a good chance the details of your dates will be fuzzy for her. Sometimes, she might even be talking to you perfectly normally while she’s in a blackout.

Is She Moody or Even Abusive to You?

If you’re dating an alcoholic woman, you might notice that she goes through extreme mood changes, or even seems like she’s a different person at times. The sweet woman you met might all of a sudden say something nasty or disrespectful to you, and then turn around and be nice again the next moment, or the following day. These character changes can be a sign of a high-functioning alcoholic.

Is She a Bit Overweight?

Alcohol and working out generally don’t go together. Even if they do, it can be hard to burn all of the calories in a full bottle of wine. Not to mention, if you constantly go out drinking, it’s hard to eat healthy (nachos and fried potato skins never help anyone) and it’s much easier to eat more when you’re in party mode. Finally, science seems to even back up the idea (although studies are inconclusive) that an alcoholic could carry extra weight.

What You Can Do

If these signs sound familiar and you think you might be dating an alcoholic, you have a few options. Here’s a rundown.

MegaDate and Move On

Ultimately, if you’d taken my advice up to this point, you would have already started MegaDating. This is the practice of going on as many dates as you can, without getting too focused on any particular woman, to create momentum in your dating life. This sharpens your social skills, raises your confidence level, and most importantly, gives you a feeling of healthy detachment from the whole process so you don’t overwhelm women with needy energy. In fact, your sense of inner calm ends up attracting them.

If you haven’t started MegaDating, do it. Once you get into that mindset, you won’t have a problem letting this woman go, or at least pushing her to the back burner. You’ll see just how easy it is to fill your time with new dates, and won’t worry so much about whether or not this woman could be the “one.”

Confront Her with “I” Statements

If you really, really like her — and are okay with the fact that you might be dating an alcoholic — then you could confront her about it and see if the situation gets better. Confronting an alcoholic (or accusing someone of being one, for that matter) is tricky, though. You have to make sure you connect with them so they don’t reject what you’re saying.

One way of doing this is to use “I” statements. Instead of making the conversation about her, make it about you. For example, instead of saying, “You always get drunk when we’re out together,” you could say, “I feel kind of bummed when you get drunk on our dates, because I can’t connect to you as well.” Or, instead of, “Your drinking habits are going to get you arrested someday,” you could say, “I get scared that something could happen to you when I see you drink and drive.” If you still think she’ll be defensive, then you might want to start by talking to a friend of hers to get support or another perspective.

Give It at Least 5 Dates

Regardless of the signs, labeling someone as an alcoholic is a serious thing, so you may want to go on at least five dates first. For instance, she may be using alcohol here and there to calm her social anxiety (not a healthy thing either, but it could explain the constant presence of booze). To form an opinion on this, you really need to consider many factors. Just one alcoholic “sign” may not mean much on its own. And, getting the information you need may take time. Going on five dates and seeing her in different situations could help you assess this much better.

Start Crafting Sober Date Ideas

To steer things away from drinking, try proposing some compelling sober activities for your future dates, and see how she responds. Notice I said “compelling,” because if your date ideas are strong enough, it shouldn’t matter whether or not alcohol is involved. There are tons of things you could do, from cupcake tasting to rock climbing. Keep your mind open and check out this list of solid sober date activities for more ideas.

Is She an Alcoholic? Wrap-Up

Be sure to follow your instincts. If it seems like something is up and you’re afraid you might be dating an alcoholic woman, don’t ignore it. Keep your eyes open and watch her behavior a little more closely. Sometimes, the biggest clues are sitting in plain sight and the only thing that’s keeping us from noticing is our own denial — which makes the whole situation a huge waste of time. Instead, you deserve to be out there MegaDating without getting bogged down in someone else’s issues that you can’t control.

It also can help to get a second opinion on the women you meet. Do you feel like you still can’t tell if you’re dating an alcoholic or if she’s worth pursuing? Hop on a call with me and we can discuss it. I’ve coached many men over the years in the art of dating and would be happy to help you develop a winning dating strategy that keeps you away from problematic women and attracts women you can get excited about. Book a New Client 1-on-1 Skype session with me now so we can dive in and revamp your dating life together.