Feeling vulnerable can be a scary thing for anyone, especially when it’s during a romantic relationship or on a date. People often confuse vulnerability with weakness, but it’s really quite the opposite.
When you are feeling vulnerable and are able to sit with that uncomfortable feeling and be open about it, you become much more attractive. Being vulnerable tells women the following things about you:
- You are sensitive
- You are empathetic
- You have the confidence to show your emotions
- You are caring
- You are kind
Being vulnerable on dates increases the intimacy between you two, making it more likely that you will be able to connect and work toward a compatible, long-term relationship.
The Difference Between Being Vulnerable and Being a Pussy
Men who think that being vulnerable equates to “being a pussy” are shooting themselves in the foot by hampering potential connections with high-value women. Feeling vulnerable has absolutely nothing to do with being a doormat or a wimp — it is about being open with your feelings in a way that allows someone to also be open with you.
When you do this, conversations between you and the woman you are on the date with become deeper, sexual chemistry is escalated and you are able to more easily discover if the two of you are compatible.
Conversely, men who think that they are incapable of feeling vulnerable on a date often suffer from intimacy issues. People who have a fear of intimacy want to experience love and intimacy with another person, but their fear holds them back from being vulnerable and/or getting to a stage in a romantic relationship that is emotionally and physically intimate.
Often times, men who have a fear of intimacy have suffered trauma or extreme heartbreak in the past, and the fear of intimacy has developed as a protective mechanism to prevent that type of hurt from occurring again. But in actuality, a fear of intimacy actually perpetuates hurt and dissatisfaction, as it makes it extremely difficult to develop and sustain close romantic relationships.
If you are suffering from a fear of intimacy that is holding you back from feeling vulnerable, you can do the following things to help you cure this fear:
- Acknowledge your fear of intimacy the reason behind this fear.
- Work on improving your confidence and increasing your self-worth.
- Learn how to accept rejection and be ok with it by viewing rejection as an opportunity for growth.
- Practice self-care, healthy eating, and exercise to put yourself in a better mindset.
- Talk to someone you trust about your fears and set up an appointment with a therapist if appropriate.
Another misconception that men have when it comes to feeling vulnerability is that men who are vulnerable are overly sensitive, crying in a corner somewhere, or desperately trying to please the women they are with by being overly agreeable or engaging in the chase.
In actuality, vulnerability is just about you being honest about your feelings and showing that you trust someone by sharing personal information with them.
Vulnerability Questions on Dates
Now you know that being vulnerable on dates can be a great way to build trust, escalate sexual tension and increase the intimacy in a relationship. When it comes to figuring out how to be vulnerable with women on dates, a lot of this can come from the types of questions you ask.
Obviously, you aren’t going to want to spill your guts on the first date, but there are certain ways you can still show some vulnerability when you’re first getting to know someone. Some first date questions that encourage vulnerability include:
- “What’s your best childhood memory?”
- “When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?”
- “How would your friends describe you?”
- “How many siblings do you have?”
- “What do you and your friends like to go out and do for fun?”
Notice that these questions are extremely tame, but also allow you to open up and get a little bit more personal. Once you make it to a third date, you can get more vulnerable by asking these types of questions:
- “What are you most afraid of?”
- “What are your top three values?
- “What are you most grateful for right now, at this very moment?”
- “What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?”
In case you aren’t familiar, I advise my client to use the following blueprint when it comes to the first three dates. This blueprint can help you build a connection at an appropriate pace and will make it easier to be vulnerable:
- The first date is meant to build trust and rapport. It should be no longer than an hour, cost no more than $15, and should take place during the daytime — preferably on a Saturday between 11 am and 2 pm.
- The second date should be something active and free. Being active (i.e., going for a hike, visiting a museum, taking a bike ride, walking along the beach etc.), will naturally allow you to break the touch barrier and prevent lulls in conversation. This type of date also eases anxiety, making it easier to be vulnerable. The purpose the of the second date is to escalate sexual tension.
- The third date is where you will go out for a sit-down dinner and assess whether the two of you are good fit moral and values-wise. This date is often when physical intimacy occurs.
Recognize When She’s Being Vulnerable with You
A lot of times, it may be easier for women to be vulnerable with you. Unfortunately, societal norms — despite changing times — aren’t as kind to men when it comes to showing emotion. For that reason, women tend to have more practice when it comes to being sensitive and open. A woman may have an easier time opening up on a date with you and trusting you enough to show some vulnerability.
When that happens, it’s important that you recognize her being vulnerable and respond in an appropriate way.
For example, I went on a date with a guy and during our conversation, it came up that a young member of my family had passed away from brain cancer. I felt like he responded too quickly, offering an “oh, I’m sorry,” almost as if it were a knee-jerk response. He then awkwardly and quickly touched me. His touch was so stiff, making the whole thing feel extremely robotic. It was almost as if he was just looking for an excuse to touch me.
In fact, my memories of that date are almost entirely consumed by this weird energy this guy was exuding. He seemed fixated on the idea of touching me, even when he wasn’t. When we were walking side by side, he seemed to be in his head, wondering how to touch me. When we were sitting down and talking, he didn’t necessarily seem to be engaged in the conversation so much as he was engaged in the idea of finding a way to break the touch barrier. I also felt with the touching that it was so stiff. It could have gone much differently if he had altered his behavior.
I shared something personal with him and — instead of jumping at the opportunity to place his hands somewhere — he could have practiced some active listening. He could have practiced good eye contact and just listened to the story. He then could have asked me questions about it or told me, “Thanks so much for sharing that with me,” instead of a stiff “Oh, I’m sorry.” He could have also shared something personal with me as a way of deepening that conversation even further and building a really strong and intimate connection.
And as for the touching, he shouldn’t have put out an energy that made the date all about that. After we talked about what I had experienced and he shared something, he could have later lightened the mood by making a joke or being playful and touching me in an innocuous area.
His mistake is one of many mistakes men make during the early stages of dating. His intentions may not have been bad, but his behavior made me not want to see him again.
If you find yourself in the situation I described above and have a difficult time being and feeling vulnerable, when in doubt, just listen and maintain good eye contact. Thank the woman for sharing that information with you and really mean it when you tell her that you’re sorry for what she’s been through.
And when it comes to showing your best self during a date and overcoming personal challenges, I’m here to help.
How To Be Vulnerable with Women on Dates: Wrap-Up
Like I said, feeling vulnerable can be a scary thing for everyone, and it’s just one of the many things that can make the modern dating world frustrating rather than fun. This is where MegaDating comes in.
MegaDating is a dating strategy that allows you to get tons of practice in the dating world so that you get better at approaching women, building connections, and finding a fulfilling, long-term relationship. MegaDating involves going out on dates with several different women at the same time. Doing this helps you see that there truly are plenty of fish in the sea, which prevents you from getting hung up on “the one,” getting exhausted by the chase, or settling for the mediocre.
I used MegaDating during my 100-date experiment to find a compatible, long-term partner. It worked for me and it can work for you too!
Ready to get started? Head over to my calendar and book a 1-on-1 Skype session with me today. During our intro session, we will create a dating action plan to help you overcome your dating roadblocks and crush your goals. We’ll also determine if my 3 month coaching program could be right for you.