The Problem With Being Too Agreeable on a Date
Is there a such a thing as being too agreeable on a date? You might balk at the idea of challenging a woman’s opinion but healthy disagreements can actually make you more attractive.
Women love opinions and want to hear what you have to say, even if you end up disagreeing. Of course, there are strategies involved in stating your opinion without coming off as rude. Below, you’ll find some reasons that being too agreeable can hurt your chances with women and how to voice your opinion in a way that will up your appeal.
Reasons for Not Being Overly Agreeable on Dates
It Makes You Seem Like You’re Overcompensating
Even if you have basically everything in common with a person, it’s impossible to agree with them all the time. And when you do, it can seem like you’re overcompensating for something, which makes you less attractive to women.
According to a 2010 study published in the Journal of Personal and Social Psychology, someone who is too agreeable can be overkill. In the study, participants played a game that offered the opportunity for individual and group rewards. Surprisingly, the players who were considered the most generous (“those who gave much toward the provision of the good but then used little of the good”) were eliminated first.
Participants found the unselfish players to be overdoing it with their niceties and they also viewed the generous players as rule breakers.
Your Kindness May Be Mistaken for Weakness
You think you’re being nice, but she sees your agreeableness as a flimsy backbone and lack of strength.
In a 2011 study, researchers from the University of Notre Dame found agreeable men earn 18% less than disagreeable men in the workforce.
Think about it — would you rather have someone as your colleague or supervisor that is willing to point out when a mistake is being made, or do you want someone who will be an incessant yes-man who will go along with any idea or opinion, regardless of how he actually feels?
When you are able to assert an opinion, you are seen as strong. Conversely, being too agreeable can make you appear to be a pushover. And strength is a definite turn on for women.
Being Too Agreeable on a Date Makes You Seem Disingenuous
During the early stages of dating, you may be afraid to disagree with a woman out of fear that she will feel insulted or think that the two of you don’t have enough in common. You may even lie a little bit for the sake of not rocking the boat.
For example, maybe the girl you are seeing loves going to yoga and yoga is simply not your thing — you’ve tried it before, and it just didn’t do it for you. And that’s OK. It’s best just to let her know upfront that you’re not interested in going to a yoga class, but you think it’s really cool that she likes it.
If you decide to go to yoga with her and act like you like it for the sake of being agreeable, this can lead to big issues down the road. Fast-forward to two or three months later and you’re still hanging out with yoga girl, still going to yoga classes, and still dreading every attempt at falling into triangle pose. Eventually, the truth is going to come out and yoga girl isn’t going to be too pleased when it does — not because she refuses to date anyone who isn’t a yogi, but because you lied about being interested.
Trust is one of the most important parts of building a long-term and intimate relationship with someone. Even if you lie as an attempt to please someone, these types of lies can still chip away at someone’s trust, and prevent you from experiencing success in the dating world.
Arguing Can Actually Be Good for Your Relationship
Research has shown that fighting can actually be good for a relationship. This isn’t to say that you should have a screaming match or resort to name calling — disagreements should be done in a constructive way. Constructive fighting occurs when each other’s boundaries are respected and where both people can feel comfortable expressing their opinions. Of course, there are always times where a disagreement might escalate to a point that neither person anticipated. But even when things get a bit heated, that’s ok. It’s a lot healthier to ventilate emotions than bottle them up.
Here are a few of the ways that letting your opinions be known — even when it leads to an argument — can benefit your relationship:
It Increases Trust and Intimacy
Love isn’t all sunshine and rainbows. If you can weather some storms together, it increases the trust and intimacy in your relationship, strengthening your overall bond.
You’ll Feel Better
Being too agreeable on a date or in an early relationship can cause you to suppress feelings, which can later lead to anger and resentment. Being able to unburden yourself of any negative feelings you have will leave you feeling better. It can be exhausting to hold in negative thoughts or opinions that you fear your partner won’t accept.
Bothersome Events May Occur Less
Maybe the person you’re with does something that irks you but is also easily preventable. For example, you might be dating someone who loves to blast pop music while cleaning and it’s driving you INSANE. Don’t let it pester you and continue by being too agreeable. If you let them know upfront that you don’t like this, you two can come to a compromise and you won’t have to worry about the annoyance getting exacerbated to the point that you blow up one day.
It Helps You Weed Out Women Who Are Wrong for You
In your mind, the worst case scenario for expressing your opinion would be that a woman you are interested in would be judging you and deciding to not move forward dating you. It sucks to be judged for an opinion, but keep in mind that the woman in question is actually doing you a favor.
Being your authentic self and expressing an opinion (as opposed to being too agreeable) is a way to weed out people that won’t be right for you in the long run. Relationships are about accepting people for who they are and loving someone at the end of the day even if you don’t agree with everything they say or do.
Exception: When Your Opinions Are Too…Opinionated
There are exceptions to every rule and — in this case — you can share opinions or disagree with a woman that will backfire on you. Remember that being respectful is the number one rule of any discussion, debate or disagreement. Here are a few things to avoid when sharing an opinion that doesn’t match up with someone else’s:
What is negging? Negging is an act of emotional manipulation where one person uses backhanded compliments to basically low-key insult another person. You may neg a woman and not even realize it. If you’ve spent time in the PUA community, then I’m sure you’ve have even been instructed on how to neg.
For example, let’s say you’re on a date with a woman and she tells you that she believes a man should pay 100% of the time. Now, I personally disagree with that. I do recommend that men pay for the first three dates (find out more here), but past that, you two can start splitting the tab.
But if a woman offers her opinion on this and it’s not something you agree with, respectfully let her know that you disagree and let her know the reasons why. Do not say something like, “Wow, that’s cool that you want to send the feminist movement back a few decades.” That’s negging and it’s NOT ok.
Don’t Interrupt and Get Overly Heated
There is such a thing as being too opinionated. If you find yourself not allowing a woman to get a word in edgewise and feel your blood start to boil, you need to chill out. It’s great to be passionate about things, but don’t let it get to a point where you’re being rude.
Agree to a Better Dating Life
We’ve talked a lot about opinion, and it’s time for me to express mine. After completing my 100-date experiment, I came to the conclusion that a healthy, happy dating life, as well as finding true love, is something anyone can find. Are you in a dating rut? Have you resigned yourself to settle for the mediocre instead of the woman of your dreams?
It’s time to agree to a new, better lifestyle. I gained a tremendous amount of insight into the dating world (and found a long-term relationship of my own) during my experiment. During the experiment, I used a strategy known as megadating to diffuse my energy, increase my confidence, and make dating fun instead of stressful. MegaDating involves dating multiple people at once to ultimately find the best match for you. By dating several different women, you will be able to handle rejection, become less nervous on dates, and become more desirable to attractive, high-value women.
Are you ready to get started? Book a 1-on-1 Skype session with me today. During our intro session, we will create an action plan to help you overcome your dating roadblocks, assess your goals, and get you started down the path to finding an awesome girlfriend. We’ll also determine if my 3 month coaching program could be right for you.