In the movie 8 Mile, Eminem rapped about how his “palms were sweaty, knees weak” and his arms were heavy when facing his “one shot.” When you find yourself attempting to approach women you’re attracted to, you may experience approach anxiety.
Fortunately, the reality is that approaching women you’re attracted to isn’t nearly as dire as the circumstances Eminem was rapping about, or many other things for that matter.
Many people get caught up worrying about the worst-case scenario when it comes to talking to an attractive woman for the first time. This type of thinking can lead to self-fulfilling prophecies where the approach actually WON’T go so well, or — even worse — you avoid the women you’re attracted to altogether.
But it doesn’t have to be that way. As a dating coach, I help tons of men just like you overcome this very common fear. In fact, once you learn some key strategies for making your initial move, you’ll see that it can be easy — and FUN — to approach women you’re attracted to.
Take a look below to understand WHY exactly it is so hard to approach women you’re attracted to, and what you can do about it.
Why Approach Anxiety Takes Place
Reason #1 Placing Too Much Value on That One Person
It is a sad but relatively common thing to think that things like love, money, a good career and — in many ways — happiness, are rarities.
Rarities that are reserved for other people.
People that aren’t you.
These thoughts are the result of a scarcity mindset. When you become fixated on the oneness of something (one job, one woman…), your confidence can be derailed. If that ONE thing doesn’t work out, what else is there?
A lot, actually.
Switch your mindset from scarcity to abundance. In an abundance mindset, the world is your oyster.
We live in a vast world that billions of people and opportunities comprise. This is why it’s important to not focus on only one person when you are in the beginning stages of dating and to get plenty of practice when it comes time to approaching women you’re attracted to.
The best way to find “the one for you” is by learning about multiple people at once, which in turn will help you learn more about yourself. That’s where MegaDating comes in.
MegaDating is the formula I used during my 100-date experiment that led me to a happy, long-term relationship. MegaDating subscribes to the benefits of an abundance mindset by allowing you to see the truth in that old adage about there being plenty of fish in the sea. This method can help you to break your patterns of self-doubt and low self-esteem.
Want to learn more? Book an intro call with a member of our team today.
Reason #2 You’re Out of Practice
The dating world can be intimidating for anyone no matter who you are. But when you’ve been out of the game for a while, said intimidation can be enough to trigger a full-blown anxiety attack.
If you’re worried that your rustiness is a recipe for rejection (how’s that for alliteration?), allow me to dispel your fears. Yes, rejection is certainly a possibility — but that’s true no matter who you are.
Below are a few common assumptions those dipping their toes back into the dating world may have — and ways to keep those assumptions from becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy.
“I’m going to get nervous and embarrass myself.”
Want to know a secret? WE ALL GET NERVOUS ON DATES. Yes, even us women. Remember that the anticipation of something bad is usually worse than the reality of that thing actually happening.
Let’s say your hands are shaking during your date and you — GASP — spill your drink on the table…her dinner…the floor…her lap.
Yup, that sucks. But did anyone die? Did the building go down in flames? NO. You apologize, make a charmingly self-deprecating joke about it (i.e., “This is why I usually request they bring me my chardonnay in a sippy cup.”) and move on.
You can also relieve stress instantly with simple breathing techniques. According to Harvard Health Publications, deep, diaphragmatic breathing can slow down your heart rate and alleviate the anxiety that comes during stressful situations. It’s a cost-free and easy way to stave off nerves before a date.
Need more? Check out eight steps to eliminate nervousness during a date.
“I’m not over my ex.”
If this is something that is occupying your thoughts, it is possible that diving into the dating pool may not be the best idea at this juncture. Check out my blog on how to heal a broken heart, which can help you assess whether or not you are ready to date again, and ways to move toward that path if you’re not.
“I’m not handsome enough to approach her.”
Don’t let your own feelings about your looks make you balk at opportune times to approach women you’re attracted to. For one, physical attractiveness is subjective — what one woman considers ogle-worthy may cause nary a glance in another.
Mutual attraction comes from a culmination of things — looks, confidence, sense of humor, common interests, etc. etc…
Yes, good looks can spark a desire in women, but there are several other traits that are scientifically proven to get a lady’s heart fluttering. These traits include things like the aforementioned sense of humor, kindness and even being accompanied by a pooch or other adorable animal.
Reason #3 Your Mama Taught You Not to Talk to Strangers
Don’t let childhood lessons about stranger danger deter you from initiating a conversation. One lesson you should carry into adulthood is that practice makes perfect, which is why it’s important to approach women you’re attracted to on a regular or semi-regular basis.
And you can take some of the pressure off by practicing small talk outside of the dating realm.
According to a study published in the Journal of Experimental Psychology, engaging in small talk with strangers can increase happiness, which in turn can cause more positive energy that can make women gravitate to you.
So the next time you’re grabbing a coffee or in an Uber, chat it up! Check out my post on where to meet women outside of bars for some ideas on where you can find more opportunities to small talk with women with the goal of hopefully securing a date.
Reason #4 It’s Hard to Come Up With Something to Say When You Know Nothing About Her
Once you get to know a woman better, the conversation will flow naturally. You can ask about how that meeting with Lumbergh went last week (friggin’ Lumbergh…), how the new diet food is treating her cat, Skittles, and the like…
When you first approach women you’re attracted to, you will need to rely on situational openers. Situational openers can be observational. If you’re at a coffee shop or standing outside a restaurant, you can say something like, “Wow, this place is hopping,” or anything casual to do with your shared surroundings.
An opinion opener involves — SURPRISE — her opinion on something. This can be anything from her dinner recommendations to what type of gift you’d recommend getting your friend as an engagement gift. Avoid “yes” or “no” questions in order to keep the conversation going.
And when in doubt you can always say something like, “hey you look interesting, my name is Jeff, what’s your name?”
Reason #5 You’re Too Focused on the Outcome
When you approach women you’re attracted to, don’t focus at the end goal so much. Focus on the process instead and let go of expectations.
One of the reasons MegaDating is so successful (and why we consider it our mantra here at emlovz) is because it focuses on the process, rather than expectations.
Dedicating all your attention to a goal (in this case, finding a girlfriend) without focusing on the different steps in that process can be detrimental in the following ways:
-It puts an exorbitant amount of pressure on you, which can lead to rumination. What if you can’t find a girlfriend? How will you deal with the feeling of failure?
-You have no strategy.
Pressure and a lack of strategy will invariably get in the way of your success. Instead of worrying so much about a goal, focus on the fun you can have working toward an outcome, rather than fixating on it.
Dating is a trial-and-error process, and — although it may seem counterintuitive — your so-called “failures” are actually a key ingredient to success.
Think all the way back to your school days when you were taught the scientific method. You learned that you had to come up with a hypothesis, test it, and assess what worked and what didn’t work. You used your mistakes as building blocks for learning.
Dating is the same thing. If at first, you don’t succeed, try and try again (and again, and again, and again, and ag — well you get the point).
When approaching women, don’t look at scoring her number as a win and everything else as a loss. Instead, saying hi is a win, whereas not saying hi is a loss. When you begin addressing approach anxiety, putting too much pressure on yourself will discourage you from approaching. Instead, give yourself a pat on the back for the small wins. Right now, merely opening your mouth is a win and deserves a reward.
Reason #6 Memento Mori
Yes, it’s that tattoo that everyone seems to be getting, memento mori.
It’s a Latin phrase popularized by stoic philosophers like Marcus Aurelius.
It translates to, remember that you will die.
It’s this phrase and way of thinking that reminds us to do what’s most important, it also has a way of making everything we do in our waking lives less scary. Treat the time you have as a gift and make the most of it. If you want to approach that beautiful woman, remember that you will die soon, so what the hell. Your world could end tomorrow. Live with no regrets and live life to the fullest.
Dating Decoded
Interested in learning how we here at emlovz can help you?
We teach our clients the shortcut to finding their ideal match by MegaDating. MegaDating is our dating philosophy and it shapes everything we teach here at emlovz. Simply put MegaDating is dating prolifically with the specific goal of going on 20 dates in 90 days. This will give you ample women to compare and contrast so you can refine not only your dating skills but also who your ideal partner is.
To teach you how to quickly find highly compatible women in just weeks and become the most eligible bachelor in town you’ll team up with romantic experts, each skilled in their own unique area to support you.
Our Team
- Emyli (me), co-founder, curriculum developer, head coach, and I host two coaching sessions every week
- Thomas, co-founder, and coach. He’ll lead the biweekly Man Cave event where men come together to talk dating, bond with one another, and support other single men
- Brooke, and Audrey are mock date specialists. Go on a practice date with them (and receive feedback) before your next date
- Darshil is a confidence coach, wingman, and all around great guy to have on your team. Once student, now a teacher he knows what you’re going through and how to get the most from your dating life
- Hailey is your new stylist. She’s worked with celebs from every industry and is now about to raid your closet
- Tilly is our holistic sex & intimacy coach. She’ll help you get the most out of your sex life so you and your partner are happier between the sheets
- Renee is our anxiety dating coach. As a licensed therapist she knows the steps needed to turn you into a cool, calm, and collected dater
- Mia is our social media expert. Revamp your Facebook and Instagram profiles with her help and start meeting women online
Our Community
And look, we realize that the single life can be difficult. If accepted into our coaching program, Dating Decoded, you’d be joining a community of supportive men and coaches who are there to listen, support, and encourage you as you navigate the single life.
Our program offers every student a lifetime membership (as if you’ll need it) so the support won’t stop until you’ve found your ideal partner.
If you’re ready to find your forever partner, book a Zoom session with our team today. Together we’ll talk about your dating history, your goals and show you how our program, Dating Decoded, can help you find your ideal partner.
Hear what’s going on in our clients’ dating lives.
