Do you ever feel like giving up on women because dating feels weird? I can relate. While I may not be dating women romantically, I do know all about self-doubt and social anxiety. That creeping fear that there might be something wrong with you. I feel it too–whenever I’m trying to expand my social circle or meet new people.
I recently went on a Bumble “BFF” date and felt so icky afterward. Even writing about it now brings up negative vibes. Bumble BFF is a feature on Bumble that you can use to meet friends. The friend component of the app is an excellent idea, and it has tremendous potential. Unfortunately for me though, my first meetup was just as awkward as dating, if not more so. But that’s a story for another day.
The point is, it’s human to feel like something’s wrong with you when every woman you date never seems to want to go out again. It sucks when a woman says yes to a second date and then ghosts you when you try to confirm it. Even worse is when you get stood up, flaked on, or blown off at the last minute. I’ve been there too, and it’s a super shitty feeling.
But what I’ve come to realize is, there are things in life that we just weren’t taught. Maybe our parents weren’t good at building or sustaining healthy relationships. And perhaps our schools couldn’t teach us what our parents didn’t know. Furthermore, if we didn’t have the right role models, and no one else could teach us, then we may have spent our entire lives not learning fundamental social skills. And now, these critical pieces of our happiness puzzle are missing. And it’s time we took responsibility to learn about them.
Without meaningful relationships, we all wither. But, there comes the point when you’re so fed up with rejection that you think about giving up on women altogether. However, that won’t lead down the path to love and happiness. So what do you do when you want to give up? You have to find your sweet spot.
Here’s 7 solutions you can implement right away when you’re giving up on women because you’re feelin’ wierd.
1. Stop Thinking You’re Not Good Enough and Get to Work
First, you have to admit that you have work to do. You have to take responsibility for your satisfaction. Blaming others won’t yield positive returns. It’s time to own the fact that you don’t know it all and that you need help.
Though you may have never learned how to have healthy relationships, once you’re a grown-up, the decision to figure it out is on you. If you can admit to yourself that you need some guidance from someone who knows how to do it, then you’re already halfway there. Just make sure, the person you reach out to for help, has what you want.
2. Set Reasonable Expectations
To have success with women, you have to put yourself out there. You also have to set reasonable expectations. Not every date you go on is going to be rainbows and ponies. If you’re expecting to meet your soulmate on your first Bumble date, then you’ve got a big surprise ahead of you. Magic doesn’t happen immediately.
You have to learn what characteristics you like and don’t like in a potential partner. The only way to do that is by dating a lot of different people. You have to feel all the feelings to know which ones you’d rather not experience regularly. You have to learn about yourself, and that takes time.
3. Find Your Sweet Spot Before Giving Up on Women
We all have people and environments in our lives that make us feel insecure. On the flip side, we also have people and situations in life that make us feel relaxed, confident, and authentic. Reflect on the people and environments where you felt your best and recreate those.
For instance, can you remember what hobbies you loved as a kid? I loved acting and dancing. If I want to find my sweet spot, I know that it’s time to sign up for an acting class or check out a new dance class at a local studio. I have to find my sweet spot, where I feel 100% authentically me. And then I have to expand that feeling to encompass how I meet new people.
The same should be done in dating. When you start feeling crummy about the lousy string of dates you’ve been on, don’t give up. Instead, go sign up for an acting class or a painting class or a co-ed social sports league. Do something that makes you feel good. Go to places where you can authentically increase your social circle. Try meeting new women in-person, rather than relying solely on dating apps.
4. Plug Into a Community
When I left my job in corporate America, I had a massive void in my social circle. My day-to-day went from working alongside 30+ people, who I’d grown strong friendships with, to working by myself here at EmLovz. The more I chatted with my boyfriend about feeling lonely, the more he encouraged me to plug into a new community.
He told me that I shouldn’t try and fill the loneliness void with one-on-one friendships. Instead, I should join communities of people I could get to know slowly over time. The more I thought about it, the more I realized he was right. I didn’t have instant friends at my corporate job on day one. Those relationships took time to develop.
This strategy is also helpful in dating. Think about it. Have you been solely focused on meeting women one-on-one through dating apps? Remember how easy it was to meet people back when you were in school? It was so much more organic.
In high school and college, you didn’t have to force the conversation or try and figure out if somebody checked all your boxes. You and your classmates were simply in one large community with a similar goal– to get out of school alive! You slowly got to know your classmates over the course of several months or years. There weren’t any one-on-one dates in the lunch hall. You met naturally, and one person probably introduced you to the next person. It’s time to recreate this.
If you want dating to feel more natural, you’ve got to plug into communities. Consider the hobbies you enjoyed as a kid. How can you find communities with people who enjoy those hobbies as well? I’d take a look at sites like Meetup.com, or search for classes on Yelp. You could even check out social sports clubs in your city like ZogSports. Why not try volunteering to meet more people? Sites like JustServe and VolunteerMatch seem like easy ways to get involved in your community.
5. Mix Work with Play
If you’re like me, then you’re probably a super hard worker. Sometimes it’s easy to let work take over your life though. It’s fulfilling to take pride in what you do, and you can use that to your advantage if you think strategically. Try aligning work goals with social and personal goals.
For example, if you’re motivated to grow your own business and feel a little lonely because you haven’t met the right woman, consider setting a goal that combines both your work life with your personal life. Maybe this means you’re going to attend two business networking events per week. That’s a step in the right direction from just working at the office, where you see the same people day in and day out.
Attending networking events on a regular basis can also help to expand your professional network, which could open doors you never imagined. Events like these might also help you meet more women in real life. Putting yourself out there by attending in-person events increases the chances of connecting on a professional and personal level. How many women can you realistically meet when you are only working at the office or from home?
You never know where you’ll meet the right woman, but the chances of meeting her are a lot higher if you get your butt off your smartphone and into the real world. When’s the last time you heard a friend say he met his girlfriend because she just knocked on his door and asked him out? It doesn’t happen. Put yourself out there, even if it’s for work, and you’ll show up more confident and authentic. If you’re like me, and work is your sweet spot, then use it to your advantage by networking with people in-person.
6. Assess the Weird
Don’t avoid the weird vibes that come from a bad date. Instead, analyze them. Ask yourself, why did that date feel so weird? Did she know it was a date or think you were just hanging out? Really spend time assessing it. What was the exact second you noticed something felt off? What happened immediately before that? Write down notes or do a quick voice recording of your own date feedback immediately following each date.
Documenting your dating journey in this way, allows you to identify subtle shifts in energy that can reveal exactly what went wrong or when things changed. Once you’re able to pinpoint what was weird or why things didn’t feel good, then you can improve them. If you don’t examine the weird, your current thoughts regarding giving up on women will only continue.
7. You’re Only Hopeless If Your Believe You Are
The second you start believing that you are hopeless, you lose everything. Have faith. If someone in the world has something that you want, then there is proof that it is possible for you to get it too. Remember this: your beliefs create your world. Never lose hope! You are no different than anyone else. You are human, capable of greatness.
Save the “poor me” crap. There’s no poor you. Transform yourself. You can improve this. You have the power to change your life. So do it. Don’t doubt it. Just frickin’ do it.
Put this on your wall and look at it every day. You can do anything you set your mind to. Henry Ford once said, “Whether you think you can or think you can’t, you’re right.” How bad do you want it? Refuse to give up. Consider the alternative. Isn’t it better to be uncomfortable than lonely? Accept discomfort. It comes with growth. Don’t give up on women. That’s not going to get you anywhere.
Did someone tell you that you were “hopeless” with women?
Hopelessness often occurs when a person goes through a difficult or negative life event. If someone, even a healthcare professional, tells you that you’ll never recover from a serious life stressor, take it at face value.
Why? A study of 1,000 people who were diagnosed with a psychiatric issue claimed that a health care professional told them that they’ll never recover from a life stressor (even if it’s an extreme stressor). 69% of these individuals later reported that they recovered from the stressor. Clearly, they never gave up hope.
Disappointment is a fact of life. Be proud you risked enough to be disappointed. Now fail better. Allow yourself the time and space to feel sad when you need to. Pretending like it’s not there will only make it worse. Learn to manage rejection pre-emptively. Plan out what you will do if you get rejected to manage your mental state. And, request feedback when you can and remember that it’s a gift, even when it hurts.
Get Extra Help When You Feel Like Giving Up on Women
There are many things you can do when you feel like you’ve reached your wit’s end with women and dating. We discussed some of those here. If you’re still struggling to take action though, I get it. Sometimes awkward social experiences leave me feeling so insecure that I just want to bury my head in the sand. When I feel that way, I know it’s time to put my faith in an expert.
So often in life, we learn that everything we want is on the other side of fear. But sometimes that fear is overwhelming. It takes courage to admit that we need help. But the most successful people are the best at doing it. They recognize when something is beyond their capacity to achieve alone. That’s why therapists, mentors, counselors, and coaches exist. To help you achieve that next level in life.
If you’re feeling discouraged with women, you’re not alone. I’m here to help you on your journey and I’d love to talk about the obstacles you’re facing and help you create a plan to defeat them. Watch my webinar or book a new client session with me.
Sometimes all it takes is having a mentor or friend in your corner who’s been there before. I would love to support you in finding love. And, I believe you can have an amazing relationship with the right woman. All it takes is a little hope and some hard work, but it’s all worth it in the end.