Imagine a woman arriving home early from work to find a trail of clothes that weren’t hers leading to the bedroom. It’s a surefire sign of her husband being unfaithful. Hopefully her experience wasn’t as traumatic as walking in on her now ex-boyfriend and new fling testing out the suspension of the new mattress.
No matter how she found out that her ex was cheating, what’s nearly certain is that as a result of the adulterous behavior she now treats new love interests differently than she did in the past.
A woman that has been cheated on should be treated just about the same way that one unmarred by the extracurricular activities of former boyfriends should be treated; but with a few minor differences. Together let’s learn how to date a woman who has been cheated on.
First, Flip The Script
Whenever we hear that poor old Annie-Marie was cheated on, we immediately think to raise our pitchforks, seek out the adulterer, and burn him at the stake without trial. But what if Annie-Marie’s behavior drove her former love to sneak off with her best friend?
In psychotherapist Esther Perel’s latest book, The State Of Affairs she rethinks infidelity. Instead of immediately deeming the cheater as the downfall for the relationship she investigates what drives someone in a monogamous relationship to cheat. Perel’s conclusion is simple. Cheaters look to sexual dalliances to fill a void in their life. If a partner isn’t providing a certain level of kindness, encouragement, sexual stimulation, or attention from their partner, they’ll look outside the confines of the relationship to satisfy that void.
So what does this mean for your new relationship?
It may mean that she has certain relationship defects that drove her former partner to cheat. It’s possible that she did everything she could to breath life into her prior relationship but it still wasn’t enough. All I’m saying is that sufficient vetting should be done before you look upon her as the victim. In Perel’s findings, one of the most common reasons that partners stray is when they’re yearning sexual and/or emotional gratification.
When discussing the illicit act with your date, use tact and humor to find out why cheating took place. If she’s open to delving into the scarring epoch, try to figure out the missing piece of their relationship that convinced her partner that he needed to escape their relationship to find what he was looking for. Being that this will be a fraught conversation, allow it to arise organically and come to a close when your date shows any signs of discomfort.
The true point of uncovering her past is to find any relationship defects she might have. These defects will be unearthed should you two date long enough. However, uncovering them sooner than later allows you to address inadequacies before they arise. You should only be truly alarmed if there is a pattern of past boyfriends cheating.
Next, How’d You Find Out She Was Cheated On?
Being cheated on might lead to relationship PTSD. As such, the event in question may be rather difficult to bring up. How you learn about her romantic history could tell you quite a bit about her character.
There is a difference in the topic arising organically versus an abrupt outburst and subsequent litany of foul words targeted at her ex.
Whatever the case may be she is probably over her ex. How she brings up the topic and talks about it are good indicators of how her last relationship will impact her new one. Should she not have healthily processed the taxing affair she may be a more jealous person that demands unequivocal proof that you’re faithful to her (e.g. checking your text conversations with other women). When and in what tone she talks about her past relationship will tell you just how likely she is to drag emotional baggage into your new relationship.
When Was She Cheated On?
How long would it take you to process your ex-girlfriend’s illicit escapades? Some people never bounce back from being deceived by their significant other. But with time, even the deepest of emotional wounds will heal. The question that concerns you is how long after the cheating took place did you two start dating? If you’re dating too soon after the betrayal she still might be emotionally unready to date someone else.
Jumping into a relationship before processing the prior relationship is like using a bandage when in reality a tourniquet is needed. It might be in your best interest to step back before starting a future with someone who’s emotionally wrapped up in the past.
Even though the signs indicate that you should raise the sails and head for open water, it might not be easy to do so. MegaDating can instill you with the emotional assurance needed to muster the courage to stop dating someone that you know isn’t right for you.
MegaDating is a dating process that involves going out with various women in a brief period of time. Dating in such a way will reduce anxiety, avoid the need to settle, increase self-confidence, and will ultimately help you find a desirable mate in a short period of time. MegaDating is an in-depth blueprint that describes an elaborate dating process. Without going into too much detail, I’ll briefly outline the main aspects of MegaDating below.
Must last no longer than an hour and no more than $10 can be used. Making first dates short means that you’ll be able to date a myriad of women in a short period of time, thus increasing the odds that you’ll find someone that you genuinely connect with. Why would you want to spend time and money with people that you don’t know and that you might not connect with?
Adhering to MD rules means that no money can be spent on the second date. A second date must also be active. Not spending money on the first two dates guarantees you of two things. It both weeds out gold diggers and keeps money in your pocket. Should she make it to the third date, both the money and time restrictions are off.
Try and Figure Out When She Had Her Last Relationship
A lengthy dating history after being cheated on shows she’s willing to test the waters and get back out there. Yet should she not have dated anyone after breaking up from her toxic relationship she still might be carrying emotional baggage. If her only dating experiences after the breakup fizzled out before anything serious could develop she’s most likely still damaged.
Destructive and anxious dating habits can be changed, though time and dedication are tools necessary to create such change.
The Avoidant Attachment Style
People who have suffered traumatic social experiences tend to develop avoidant attachment styles. The characteristic that best captures such a style is the need to protect oneself from others.
If your date’s dating habits changed after the traumatic experience she may have developed an avoidant attachment style. Those that exhibit AAS behavior want emotional companionship yet tend to back away once the feelings get too intense. As an attempt to protect themselves they tend to break off relationships before they get too passionate.
Tips for How To Date A Woman Who Has Been Cheated On
Tip 1: Be Ready To Field Questions
She doesn’t want to waste her time with another man that’s prone to cheating. Before investing in you she’ll want to vet you. This vetting might include a fairly intrusive line of questioning that ascertains whether you’re worth her time.
She may ask you what your thoughts are on a conventional monogamous relationship, if you’re cheated before, how your parents interact with each other, etc. Expect to field such questions early on in the dating process.
Tip 2: Keep The Line Of Communication Open And Responsive
It’s easy for you to assume that the reason she hasn’t responded to your text in a few hours is that she’s busy with friends, working, or simply decided to neglect her phone for a few hours. For her, it might not be so easy to generate such possibilities. She might assume the worst when you don’t message her back in a timely fashion. For the first few months of dating, be ready to appease her by responding quickly to her messages.
Tip 3: Call Her Out
Just because she’s been cheated on doesn’t mean you need to bend to all of her outrageous demands. Show her the respect she deserves but also keep her paranoia in check.
Demonstrate through example that she has no reason to fear another episode of infidelity. Tell her that you understand her history but don’t deserve to be treated as if you’ve already done something wrong. Your job is to make her feel secure in the relationship.
Tip 4: Always Show Up, Always Be On Time
This tip applies for anyone trying to strike up a romantic relationship. Show the person you’re about to have dinner with that you respect them by showing up on time. Being on time will stamp out any thought that you might be straying. Make yourself a secure staple in your life and she will repay you by lowering her guard.
Figuring out how to date a woman who has been cheated on is something that even psychologists struggle with. Don’t get dismayed if you’re having issues with the woman you’re dating. To find solutions to any issues that may arise, book a 1-on-1 New Client Skype session with me today.
During our intro session, we’ll talk about your infidelity questions, diagnose your dating history, co-create an action plan, and see if my 3 month coaching program could help you reach your goals in 90 days.