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Should I Text Her First?

Should I Text Her First?

Should I Text Her First?

Hey, guys! It’s Emyli. I’m going to dive right into an age-old question: the question many men ask: “should I text her first”? This can be a bit complicated. To be completely honest, it’s a fine line to follow. You don’t want to seem overly eager. But at the same time, you don’t want to ignore a girl you just met. This delicate balance is all about keeping her interested while retaining a sense of mystery.

You should text her first if you met online

So you connected to a girl from an online dating site, and got her phone number. That’s awesome! It’s a fact that 20% of committed relationships actually began online. That’s one in five couples. If you met her online, and got her number, it’s best for you — the man— to strike up the conversation. I say this regardless of whether it’s the first message after you see her profile or if you’ve moved on to proper text messaging. 

One of the reasons you should text her first is that us women are always stuck in our heads. It’s not because we’re crazy or anything (don’t ever say that to a woman). We are simply trained in life to not be the aggressor. It’s more natural for us to wait to see which man steps up and contacts us! Therefore, you should never to wait 3 days to contact a woman – not in today’s fast paced dating environment.

If you’ve been busy, that’s a different story. But do yourself a favor and take the extra two seconds to shoot her a message to restart the convo. You’ll save her from her own worrisome thoughts. 

What’s the worst thing that could happen if you text her first? If you are interested in her, man up and contact her. Always. Show her you are interested! Prove that you’ve got awesome bantering skills. Send her some dog pictures. It doesn’t have to be anything extravagant. 

Set up a date before the tenth message

If you are into a girl, and she is into you back, then do something about it. Don’t just keep texting back and forth for days on end. Never send more than 10 messages back and forth before locking in a date with her. Send over a TDL (time, date, location) message when you are ready to meet her. Either invite her out to an event or a place to sit down and grab some food. You don’t want to keep stringing her along. You want to see if there is chemistry in real life. 

If there’s chemistry when you guys are just having a casual drink, then awesome! Potentially, you could have just found a good match! And if you don’t have chemistry? Don’t get hung up about it. The beauty of setting up a date before the tenth text is that (hopefully) you aren’t too attached to this girl. 

Avoid sending a second text message before receiving a response

You may be itching to send her another text if she hasn’t responded to your first. But listen here: stop it! You don’t want to overwhelm her. Odds are that she’s just caught up at work or she’s taking a nap. Go do something else while you wait for her to text back. Grab some dinner with a friend or watch a comedy on Netflix.

If you end up sending her a second, third, or fourth message before she’s had the chance to formulate a text back, it’s not going to look good for you. She’s going to think you’re needy. Avoid this at all costs! One way to do this is to date multiple people at the same time – something I call megadating. Use this and you’ll naturally decrease your level of “dating neediness”. 

Women want men who have their own lives going on. The last thing we need is someone to depend on us and smother us. Because we have our own lives, too.

What if your friend wants to set you up?

If your friend wants to set you up on a date, the odds are in your favor. You’ve been pre-approved! But always ask your friend for your potential date’s phone number and picture. Don’t waste your time if you aren’t somewhat attracted to this blind date.

If you might be interested in taking out your friend’s friend, ignore any added social pressure. Just send this girl a text to see if she’s up for talking on the phone. Again, yes, you should text her first. Work on giving off friendly vibes through text. Don’t make her feel obligated to speak to you. Make sure you have a TDL (time, date, and location) planned out before you call her. 

Once you call her, talk about how you know your mutual friend. Joke about his or her quirks. Familiar ground breeds familiarity. The more comfortable she gets speaking about her friends, the more comfortable she’ll become with speaking to you in general! But don’t forget to close for the in person date! 

Call her if you’ve met in person

Okay, let’s fast forward a bit. So you successfully converted your text message conversation to a real world date. You’ve gone out for coffee together. You’ve gone around town. You’re starting to build up a lot of confidence. She’s great and you guys are both into each other. What’s the next step? Should you text her first, in between date #1 and date #2?

Actually, try this one out for a spin: call her

A lot of Millennials have anxiety when it comes to the phone. Look, I get it. Phone anxiety is no joke. But the thing is, people are more likely to be willing to answer the phone when it’s someone they’ve already met. Build the relationship by standing out and dial her phone number! None of the other guys will. 

So say you called her. Great job. If she seems hesitant about having a phone conversation, then make her comfortable by asking her how her day is going. Don’t let her ramble. Don’t talk about yourself. The goal of this conversation is to secure another date (if you haven’t already). Ask her on a second date. Have your TDL (time, date, location) planned out before you call her. 

If you are still hesitant to call her, then send a qualifying text message that says: “Thinking about you, are you free for a quick chat on the phone in about 30 minutes?” This will let her mentally prepare for your call. 

Avoid making a total fool of yourself via text

Look, I’m not trying to get on your case. This has nothing to do with you in particular. It’s about other men who have gone before you. Trying — and failing — to get the attention of women online one way or another. So if you want to learn how to turn on girl on over text, listen up. 

Don’t start off a conversation thread by speaking about what you’d like to do sexually. In fact, keep sex out of the initial messages completely. Of course there are exceptions, but the vast majority of women will not appreciate those sorts of advances. 

What you could do is just speak about her specifically. Don’t copy and paste the same text and then spam it to every woman above a 5 in your contacts list. If you met her online, check out her profile. That’s a wonderful place to start! Look at her interests and hobbies. If you already know her, check out her Facebook or think about the things you can recall about her interests. 

Then mention something she likes. Perhaps you notice that the woman you’re after is a total foodie. What’s a food that practically everyone enjoys? Pizza! For example, mention that there’s a killer pizza place downtown that you’re into. The pizza is wood-fired and it’s incredible. Then make a statement about it which assumes something about herself. “I bet you’ve been there already, though.”

Interestingly enough, women respond better to statements like this rather than actual questions. When we’re asked questions, it may feel like you’re trying to peg us for something in particular. Do we like dogs? Do we like being outdoors? Are we avid watchers of Game of Thrones? It’s like you are expecting a specific answer which will match your perception of us. 

But if you make a statement, it’s more comfortable for us to reject it. We can tell you whether the assumption is true or false. We can add to it. Or we can shut it down. We can do whatever we’d like. Give us the open opportunity to do that! 

Make sure the word count in your texts match her word count

I never encourage my clients to play games or create emotional roller coasters for other people. However, as a rule of thumb, never send her a long text message if she just sent you a one-liner. And vice versa! Pay attention to the length of her texts and try to match them. If you send her something that’s either way too much to chew or doesn’t give her enough information, you’re going to risk pushing her away.

At the beginning of a potential relationship, it can be tough to navigate the waters. Luckily for you, I have your back! If you find yourself in over your head with all these texting rules, let me know. I’m more than happy to help you out! Book a Skype session with me and I’ll create a strategy just for you. 

In the meantime, keep up the good work because You Deserve the Perfect Partner!


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