The dilemma of when to contact a woman has plagued men ever since the advent of the telephone.

Now that everyone has phones for limbs we have the ability to send her a text, call, slide into her DMs, message on Twitter, FB, and probably a million other ways of getting in touch at a moment’s notice.

It’s this ease of communication that has made the timing of messages so much more complex.

Contact her too soon and she thinks you’re desperate, too late and she feels disrespected and the flame goes out.

It’s a juggling act that every man has to deal with if he hopes of finding a partner.

Today let’s help you navigate this troubling question of should I text her first?

Should I Text Her First, If So When?

Be sure to read until the end.

I say this because there is no easy way to answer this question.

Your connection to this person and how you know them are just two of the important variables to take into account when answering this question.

With most new relationships starting online chances are that’s where you met her. So let’s first talk about who should text first if you two met online.

You Should Text Her First If You Met Online

So you connected to a girl from an online dating site, and got her phone number. That’s awesome!

Though I can’t say I’m surprised when 39% of committed relationships begin online. If you met her online, and got her number, it’s best for you — the man— to strike up the conversation. I say this regardless of whether it’s the first message after you see her profile or if you’ve moved on to proper text messaging. 

One of the reasons you should text her first is that us women are always stuck in our heads. It’s not because we’re crazy or anything (don’t ever say that to a woman). We are simply trained in life to not be the aggressor. It’s more natural for us to wait to see which man steps up and contacts us!

So if you scored her number online when should you text her?

Firstly, let’s clear something up.

Never wait 3 days to contact a woman – not in today’s fast-paced dating environment.

Three days seems to be the magic number for most men, but just because most men are selling it doesn’t mean you should buy it – she certainly isn’t.

If you’ve been busy, that’s a different story. But do yourself a favor and take the extra two seconds to shoot her a message to restart the convo. You’ll save her from her own worrisome thoughts. 

What’s the worst thing that could happen if you text her first? If you are interested in her, man up and contact her.

Always.

Show her you are interested! Prove that you’ve got awesome bantering skills. Send her some dog pictures. It doesn’t have to be anything extravagant. 

The point is to keep the momentum going.

If she sends you her number via Tinder, Bumble, or Hinge, 15 minutes or so after realizing she’s sent her number, shoot her a text.

Shortly after you’ll want to set up a date.

Set Up A Date Before The Tenth Message

If you are into a girl, and she reciprocates, then do something about it.

Don’t just keep texting back and forth for days on end.

Never send more than 10 messages back and forth before locking in a date with her. Send over a TDL (time, date, location) message when you are ready to meet her. Either invite her out to an event or a place to sit down and grab some food. You don’t want to keep stringing her along. You want to see if there is chemistry in real life. 

If there’s chemistry when you guys are just having a casual drink, then awesome! Potentially, you could have just found a good match! And if you don’t have chemistry? Don’t get hung up about it. When you MegaDate you’ll be scoring more dates than Clooney when he was in his prime. 

Avoid ‘H’ Words

When it comes to figuring out what to text a girl you just met in real life, avoid saying the following to broach a conversation with her via text:

• “Hi”
• “How are you?”
• “Hey”
• “How’s it going?”
• “How’s your day?”
• “Haaayyyy…”

Quite frankly, these openers are generic and boring ways to start a conversation. Saying “hey” or “how was your day” encourages little more than a “yes” or “no” answer. You want to ask open-ended questions in order to ignite interest and keep the conversation going.

Plus women are already bombarded by these messages on dating apps. This is what every woman’s Tinder inbox looks like.

For example, let’s say that you are both animal lovers and you both met at a yappy hour. Yappy hours are happy hours where you can bring your pooch or choose to hang out with some adorable (and adoptable) pups. (If you haven’t gone to one of these yet, consider adding it to your dating plan arsenal.)

If you met her there, you could send her a text like:

“So be honest: which dog was your favorite? I know which one I liked the best, but you go first.”

When you ask an open-ended question, it allows for deeper conversation and also shows that you were paying attention when you guys chatted during your first meeting.

Avoid Sending A Second Text Message Before Receiving A Response

You may be itching to send her another text if she hasn’t responded to your first. But listen here: stop it! You don’t want to overwhelm her. Odds are that she’s just caught up at work or she’s taking a nap. Go do something else while you wait for her to text back. Grab some dinner with a friend or watch a comedy on Netflix.

If you end up sending her a second, third, or fourth message before she’s had the chance to formulate a text back, it’s not going to look good for you. She’s going to think you’re needy. Avoid this at all costs! One way to do this is to date multiple people at the same time – something I call MegaDating. Use this and you’ll naturally decrease your level of “dating neediness”. 

Women want men who have their own lives going on. The last thing we need is someone to depend on us and smother us. Because we have our own lives, too.

Don’t Inundate Her With Texts

Now that you know that you need to communicate with her quickly, it’s important that I mention one caveat. Don’t bombard her with texts.

Get the date set up as quickly as possible and then allow for some space. You want to be ready to get to know each other better by asking her good first date questions. If you end up having a lengthy conversation over text, you might spoil the opportunity to really engage with her and learn more about her during the actual date.

Women might also be put off if a guy they already have a date within a couple of days starts blowing up their phone all hours of the day. Not only do you risk coming off as clingy, you automatically give the woman the upper hand. Your constant texting can come off as you chasing her, which can leave her feeling like she doesn’t have to put any effort into getting to know you.

After you have confirmed a date, text her once before the date to let her know you are looking forward to seeing her. This way, you will have plenty of conversation ready to go and have given her space to get excited about seeing you again.

What If Your Friend Wants To Set You Up?

If your friend wants to set you up on a date, the odds are in your favor. You’ve been pre-approved! But always ask your friend for your potential date’s phone number and picture. Don’t waste your time if you aren’t somewhat attracted to this blind date.

If you might be interested in taking out your friend’s friend, ignore any added social pressure. Just send this girl a text to see if she’s up for talking on the phone. Again, yes, you should text her first. Work on giving off friendly vibes through text. Don’t make her feel obligated to speak to you. Make sure you have a TDL (time, date, and location) planned out before you call her. 

Once you call her, talk about how you know your mutual friend. Joke about his or her quirks. Familiar ground breeds familiarity. The more comfortable she gets speaking about her friends, the more comfortable she’ll become with speaking to you in general! But don’t forget to close for the in-person date! 

What If You Met Her In Person?

This changes the dynamic a bit.

Before jumping the gun and shooting a message, think back to your interactions with her and assess the situation.

Assess and Plot Your Move

You might be super excited to text her and get as flirty as possible. But before you start texting her winky faces and hearts, take a step back. How much did you learn about this girl during your initial meeting? Did you figure out if she was single? Are you unsure of whether or not she’s single?

If you know for sure that she is single, proceed to the next tip.

Ask Her Out Via A Phone Call Or Voice Message

Let’s say that you figured out she was single when you first met her and built up a good rapport. Awesome. When this is the case, it’s time to get an actual date set up so you can see if your initial connection translates into a long-term one.

If you learned she was single during the time you met her, and you built up some good rapport, text or call her to set up a date. Don’t beat around the bush by sending a bunch of text messages. Get something on the schedule.

You can call, text, or drop and audio message, but a call or audio message is ideal. Anyone can shoot over a quick text but letting her hear your voice is intimate. It also shows confidence, which spoiler, women freakin’ love.

A lot of Millennials have anxiety when it comes to the phone.

Look, I get it. Phone anxiety is no joke. 

But the thing is, people are more likely to be willing to answer the phone when it’s someone they’ve already met. Build the relationship by standing out and dial her phone number! None of the other guys will. 

So say you called her. Great job. If she seems hesitant about having a phone conversation, then make her comfortable by asking her how her day is going. Don’t let her ramble. Don’t talk about yourself. The goal of this conversation is to secure another date (if you haven’t already). Ask her on a second date. Have your TDL (time, date, location) planned out before you call her. 

If you are still hesitant to call her, then send a qualifying text message that says: “Thinking about you, are you free for a quick chat on the phone in about 30 minutes?” This will let her mentally prepare for your call. 

Talking on the phone signals that you’re interested, humanizes you, and demonstrates confidence.

Another way to exude confidence is by taking the initiative. Send her a direct message or ask her via the phone on a date using a compelling TDL.

What Is A TDL?

A TDL is an acronym that we here at EmLovz use to describe a date’s call-to-action. TDL stands for Time, Date, and Location. So basically, when you ask a girl out using a TDL, you offer the specific time of day that the date will occur, the day of the week, and the specific location.

Sounds simple, right? The thing is, so many guys ask girls out without using a TDL. These are the guys that will send a girl a message to see if she “wants to grab a drink,” “get a cup of coffee,” or “hang out sometime.” With no specific plan in mind, both people are left scrambling to figure out each other’s schedule and confirm when and where the date in question is happening.

Oftentimes, this devolves into something known as serendipidating. Serendipidating is a dating trend that occurs when two people try to get together with no actual plan in mind. The result is a frustrating back-and-forth that eventually leads to both parties not responding.

Basically, no date actually occurs.

When you send a girl a date idea with a TDL, she will find it really refreshing that you actually took the time to come up with a specific date, so that she doesn’t have to. This already puts you ahead of the competition.

Another part of sending a TDL involves crafting a compelling date idea. A compelling date idea is one that appeals to the woman’s interest and also introduces her to a new experience. For example, if you discovered during your initial meeting that the girl really likes being active and artsy, you could suggest something like a swing dancing class followed by a bite to eat at a cool cafe close by.

When it comes to picking a day for the date, Saturdays are the best days, followed closely by Wednesdays and Thursdays. Sundays and Mondays are the worst days since people are still in work mode. If you meet her on a Saturday, you can even suggest doing the date that same day.

Wait… Is She Even Single?

If you didn’t build up enough rapport with her and didn’t figure out if she was single or not, you’ll need to send a few text messages to probe her interest and availability. One exception to this is if you met through mutual friends. In that case, you can ask your friend if she is available and proceed from there.

But if you don’t know, there are a few different ways to go about this:

• Ask her to describe her perfect Saturday night.
• Ask her about her plans for the week.
• Ash her directly if she has a boyfriend. If she says “no,” you can say something like, “Great! So I guess that means I can ask you on an official date then.

Whether you find out through some gentle probing or get a direct “yes” or “no” when asking about a boyfriend, just make sure that you know one way or another before asking her out. And if she says something like, “it’s complicated,” move on. You don’t want to get involved in any drama.

If you’re thinking, oh she must be single, why she did after all give me her number?

Well she may have felt awkward or better yet wanted to avoid awkwardness. So instead of explaining that she’s in this situationship but doesn’t want to date she just gave you her number. Rejecting people in person is weird, even if they have a partner. Women will often hand out their number when they have no intention of every answering his texts.

Avoid Making A Total Fool Of Yourself Via Text

Look, I’m not trying to get on your case. This has nothing to do with you in particular. It’s about other men who have gone before you. Trying — and failing — to get the attention of women online one way or another. So if you want to learn how to turn on girl on over text, listen up. 

Don’t start off a conversation thread by speaking about what you’d like to do sexually. In fact, keep sex out of the initial messages completely. Of course there are exceptions, but the vast majority of women will not appreciate those sorts of advances. 

What you could do is just speak about her specifically. Don’t copy and paste the same text and then spam it to every woman above a 5 in your contacts list. If you met her online, check out her profile. That’s a wonderful place to start! Look at her interests and hobbies. If you already know her, check out her Facebook or think about the things you can recall about her interests. 

Then mention something she likes. Perhaps you notice that the woman you’re after is a total foodie. What’s a food that practically everyone enjoys? Pizza!

For example, mention that there’s a killer pizza place downtown that you’re into. The pizza is wood-fired and it’s incredible. Then make a statement about it which assumes something about herself. “I bet you’ve been there already, though.”

Interestingly enough, women respond better to statements like this rather than actual questions. When we’re asked questions, it may feel like you’re trying to peg us for something in particular. Do we like dogs? Do we like being outdoors? Are we avid watchers of Game of Thrones? It’s like you are expecting a specific answer which will match your perception of us. 

But if you make a statement, it’s more comfortable for us to reject it. We can tell you whether the assumption is true or false. We can add to it. Or we can shut it down. We can do whatever we’d like. Give us the open opportunity to do that! 

Mind Your Spelling

Most of today’s smartphones will auto-correct your text message spelling errors. Not only will they auto-correct for you, but they’ll intuitively change different words based on how many times you use them. This is great and all, but for dating- it can actually work against you.

I can give you an example of this from yesterday. My boyfriend was spending the day with his good friend. Due to his friend wanting to stay anonymous, we’ll name him “John.”

During their man-date, my boyfriend and John decided to drop into a Starbucks for a caffeine jolt. While waiting for their drinks to be completed, John saw a cute girl also waiting for her drink, and he decided to go in for the approach. They chatted and flirted for a few minutes before John asked for her phone number. She gladly gave it to him before they said their goodbyes.

About 30 minutes later, John decided to shoot her a text. Take a look at the attached screenshot. Do you see the word “breathe”? This should have said “breath.” John could only assume that he spelled it incorrectly or his phone intuitively changed the word based on his text message history. Your should also be You’re.

But small mistakes can be forgiven (even though they make you look a fool). What can’t be forgiven is misspelling her name. If there is one detail you really want to be mindful it’s the spelling of her name. Get it right or get gone.

Make Sure The Word Count In Your Texts Matches Her Word Count (more or less)

I never encourage my clients to play games or create emotional roller coasters for other people. However, as a rule of thumb, never send her a long text message if she just sent you a one-liner. That goes both ways. Pay attention to the length of her texts and try to match them. If you send her something that’s either way too much to chew or doesn’t give her enough information, you’re going to risk pushing her away.

Texting Made Easy With Dating Decoded

Figuring out when to text her is just one piece of the incalculable puzzle that is modern dating.

Modern dating is just weird. With more humans than ever before and more ways to meet and communicate with our fellow humans, things can quickly get messy.

Part of modern dating is about embracing the mess and another involves knowing how to manage and navigate the mess.

That’s where dating decoded comes in. Our team of coaches knows exactly how the modern dating scene works. Our team of millennials and gen-Z coaches have over a decade of experience helping men meet their perfect partners.

We do this by teaching men the four pillars of our program:

• MegaDating – Dating multiple women at once to quickly find compatible partner
• Profile Creation – Create dating profiles that outcompete 90% of men in your area
• MegaMessaging – Quickly make an online connection before using a TDL to pivot into the real world
• Dating Blueprint – Go on the perfect first three dates

We teach men how to find women both online and IRL, how to attract them, chat them up, and go on amazing dates that accelerate any relationship.

So how do we teach all these things?

We have four learning pathways:

• Online Curriculum – Content detailing every aspect of modern dating from how to have better sex to the best opening online dating messages
• Online Community – Community for all-male students to come together to bond, strategize, and receive feedback
• Live Sessions – Led by coaches, we have two live sessions every week for students to ask questions
• Mock Dates – Here’s your chance to practice everything you’ve just learned by going on practice dates with our coaches. After the date you’ll receive feedback on what worked and what needs to be improved upon

If you still need a little extra attention you can sign up for Dating Decoded VIP and receive 6, 50-minute one-on-one sessions with our coaches. These sessions can be used in a variety of ways:

• In-depth online dating profile critique
• One-on-one sessions with our coaches
• Mock dates
• Style session with our celeb stylist, Hailey
• Fitness session with our trainer, Aundrea
• Social media optimization with Mia

If you’re ready to start meeting highly compatible single women, let’s chat.

Book a one-on-one call where we can learn more about each other, learn about your dating history and see how our program, Dating Decoded can help you achieve your goals.

Here’s how our students’ dating lives have changed after enrolling in our program.