Lies are so shifty that they can sometimes feel like an ethical slip. When your lips started to form that sentence you didn’t anticipate telling a lie, but just before the truth was about to make an appearance it threw on a cape and glasses and started parading around as the truth. A lie always finds a way to hide from our ethical detectors and snake its way out into the open.
A lie is an unethical pastime that humans take part in for various reasons. Maybe you or your date is ashamed of a past deed, has bad credit, or wants to impress others with the size of a body part located in or around the groin. Generally, we lie to either protect or promote ourselves. And as experience goes to show, there’s no better place to let a lie fly by undetected than on a first date with a stranger.
To be fair, people on both sides of the table might share a couple of embellished truths.
So if the question, “is she lying to you” is so pervasive during the first phase of dating, is there anything you can do to detect a liar?
If heeded and put into practice, the following advice can be used to detect whether or not she’s trying to present a different picture of who she really is.
Keep Your Eyes On The Lie
Is she lying because she looked up after telling you about how she overcame her fear of flying by skydiving or is she just amused by the shabby chic design of the restaurant?
It turns out that the movement of one’s eyes can disclose bundles of information, including lies. Eyes function as an external ethical tic that involuntarily notifies others of a lie. Considering that eyes move rapidly, practice must be performed in order to effectively learn how to spot a liar. Here are some eye movements and what they mean.
Looking Directly To Her Left: Recall Of An Auditory Thought
To be fair, no one’s certain that looking to the left is indicative of trying to recall a certain sound, but certain researchers claim it’s a fact. Since no one is certain of the phenomenon, why not try it out for yourself?
The next time you’re sitting across from your date or even a friend, ask them what their favorite band sounds like. To be clear, don’t ask them to tell you who their favorite band is. The mission is for them to ponder for a moment as they comb through their hippocampus in the attempt to reconstruct the sounds of his or her favorite band.
After posing the question, track her eye movement. Does her gaze shift from your face to the right of you? Every time her eyes stray in this direction, mentally note what action inspired the movement. In this way you’ll be able to vindicate the link between recalling a sound and looking to one’s left.
Looking Up And To Her Left: Visualizing A Memory
Sit back for a moment and think about your early grade school days. Was there a particular memory during gym class or recess that you remember vividly?
Most likely this mini task required you to dig through the more active memories until you found one that hadn’t been touched for a while. For whatever reason, this mental digging is aided when we angle our gaze upwards.
One theory suggests that we look up while visualizing memories in order to push away any present stimuli that might hinder the visualizing process. Doubtful is it that she’s lying if she looks to be in a trance while eyeing the ceiling.
Looking Down And To Her Left: She’s Talking To Herself
Did she just see a rat? While it’s probable that she just witnessed a rodent scamper away with a piece of sumptuous cheese, she might be lingering because now she’s talking to herself about it.
In the attempt to not look like a weirdo, we take our gaze away from eye-level when talking to ourselves. Keeping our gazes low decrease the odds of attracting attention. The next time you have a little self-talk in public, stop yourself after the riveting inner dialogue has stopped and ask yourself where you directed your gaze?
If you notice her being pensive, ask yourself what brought it on. If it was a penetrating question you’re probably an awesome date, if it came after a bout of silence you may want to recapture her gaze.
Looking Up And To Her Right: Creating A Visual
No need to wonder, is she lying to me, when peering up to her right. Instead of deflecting the shame of a lie by shifting her gaze, she’s probably just visualizing. She leans back and looks up in order to decrease distractions. It’s much easier to paint a picture when the canvas is a pristine white.
Looking Directly To Her Right: Constructing A Lie
Before a lie is told, the culprit will quickly look to the left or right before opening their mouth. The direction (left or right) relates to their stronger hand. Right-dominant people fib to the right, while lefties favor the left. The shift will be a quick one that takes the eyes from the center position to the left or right.
If you’re probing for a lie, first make sure their eyes are locked onto yours before quickly questioning them in a way that elicits a yes or no answer. A swift movement to the right may mean that she’s lying to you.
Looking Down And To Her Right: She’s Recalling A Physical Memory
Just the slightest change in movement could be the difference between recalling a tactile sensation and plotting a lie. The difference in movement is marginal which is why it’s important to be certain of her eye movement before attaching judgment.
Being able to identify a lie merely by tracking one’s eye movements is a super power. Only the most highly skilled federal agents will be able to employ this skill with decent accuracy. If you want to rely on your ability to spot a liar when dating, invest time into spotting lies. Only through ample refinement of the skill will you be able to spot a liar with consistency.
Body Language, Emotional Gestures & Rhythms of Speech
Eyes aren’t the only entry point to the soul. An immoral lie can twist its way out of the body through various verbal and nonverbal cues. If humans only lied through their eyes, surely more people would wear sunglasses on first dates. However, it isn’t just the eyes that tend to lie, but the entire body. By amassing various cues you should be able to piece together what a lie looks like.
Delayed Answer
Liars feel the need to sell their stories. To reassure the other person that the truth is being told, they’ll strap a little something extra onto their answers or replies. Here’s an example of how to spot a liar:
Man:
“Were you on a date last night?”
Woman:
“No, I was not on a date last night, are you serious?”
A person that isn’t lying will brush off such a silly question with a simple answer. A liar will most likely feel the need to strengthen their stance by repeating the question aloud and then playing on the defensive. A person that isn’t lying will most likely supply a one or two word answer to such a serious question.
Use Open-Ended Questions
Asking a liar to expand on a lie will test their creative abilities. The more you prod for information the more they’ll be forced to embellish. Once you feel as though they’ve created a large enough fictional universe, ask them specific questions about the story they’ve just spun. Most likely they’ll trip up on a detail or contradict themselves.
A Dip In Confidence
A liar that embellishes the truth so as to create an air of grandeur will feel confident in their ability to create a wholly fictitious narrative. That is, until they’re challenged. Questioning the truth of the lie or making it hard for them to keep up with their own falsehoods will put them in a state of panic. If a normal question surprisingly results in an annoyed look, you might be on the verge of exposing a lie.
Her “Yes” and “No” Are All Over The Place
She can only respond to your question in two ways: yes or no. One is the truth meaning that the other answer can only ever be false. LaRae Quy spent 23 years as a CIA agent before joining the FBI. During her time with the CIA, Quy received special training in the reading of individuals and the science of detecting lies. When it comes to the use of the words yes and no and the subsequent movements and body language, here are some things to watch for.
A person is typically lying if they exhibit the following behavior after saying yes or no:
- Immediately looks away
- Closes eyes
- Hesitates before saying no
- Protracts the word so as to stretch it out
- Sings the word yes or no
Is She Lying? Cadence Switch
Typically the tone and inflection of our voices only switch if the conversation takes a turn in a particularly emotional direction. Should the tone of your date switch for seemingly no reason; it might be that they’re lying. Talking fast then slow, or shifting an octave higher are signs of lying. The choice of words will differ as the narrative shifts from vivid word choices to more grey ones that distance the storyteller from the story.
The Licking Of Lips
Only on two distinct occasions do we tend to lick our lips. One is if we’re readying our dry lips for a kiss and the other is if we’re lying. It turns out that there’s an odd relationship between moisture production and lying.
When someone is nervous, his or her saliva glands operate at a less than optimal level. Being that no one likes dry lips, it’s only natural that someone who has become nervous due to a lie, now yearns to wet their lips with a lick.
Tin-Woman
Unless she’s a sociopath or narcissist, prolifically lying will make her uncomfortable. A date that’s in her element and is conversing with a pristine conscious has no reason to stiffen up. Suddenly personifying the tin-man is a subconscious message being sent out that aims to inform those around us that we’re uncomfortable and looking for help.
Along with suddenly becoming rigid, is she also refusing to make eye contact? Run through the list of possibilities as to why she might be acting this way. Did you do something to make her feel uncomfortable? It’s more than possible that she’s lying and giving you short answers because she doesn’t want to talk about a sensitive subject in her life. She’s on the defensive and for good reason.
Other Dating Red Flags
A single lie shouldn’t necessarily disqualify a romantic interest.
Again, it’s something we all do.
There are white lies, embellishes, and then grandiose lies to make us appear more impressive than we are.
All lies are different and as such must be evaluated differently.
What’s really concerning is when she starts pairing lies with other less desirable traits.
Here are common red flags that should give you pause.
She Never Asks You Questions
Does she really even care to be on this date – do you?
One-sided conversations are never fun. If she never asks you questions she’s either not interested or is maybe a little too into herself. Pair this with habitual lying and you might as well move on to the next one.
Drama Dumping
Everyone has drama-filled days. But is she constantly being negative and using you as a sentient diary by dumping all her drama on you? It’s not only emotionally draining, but should give you pause.
Do you really want to date a woman that seems to attract so much drama into her life?
She Wants You To Delete Your Dating Apps
This is a sensible request if you two are going exclusive – but are you?
After a few dates is she demanding that you delete your dating apps?
Don’t let her pressure you into a relationship before you’re ready. If she’s pressuring you now, imagine the kind of pressure she’ll pile on later.
She Wants Your Phone’s Passcode
Your phone, your passcode, period. She has her own phone, why does she need to use yours?
She clearly has a lack of boundaries and is trying to assert her dominance.
Agreeing With Everything You Say
No one wants to date a people-pleaser.
Having someone mirror your every thought, desire, and action is nice every once in a while, but at the end of the day you want to date a unique, free-thinking woman, not a parrot.
She’s A Problem Drinker
That means after a tough day she drinks, when she’s stressed she drinks, when she’s nervous she drinks, etc.
Literally poisoning yourself whenever faced with a difficult issue isn’t the right way to go about living your life. MegaDate and find yourself a woman with a healthy attachment style and mindset.
Conclusion
There is no exact science that can be used to detect a lie. A few lies here and there are somewhat natural during the initial phase of dating, though I don’t recommend that you ever duplicitous lie
What’s important is that you two are happy together and that you perceive the person across from you to be genuine. Dating is tough enough without worrying about exposing every lie.
That being said if you need a little backup we can help you out.
In our dating program’s online curriculum, live sessions, mock dates, and most importantly online community we’ll talk about the ins and outs of modern dating including how to detect whether she’s lying.
In our online community, you can discuss with fellow students and coaches. It’s here that you can go to for on-demand support. Talk about the red flag you see in your date or drop a screenshot of texts in the group. Nearly immediately you’ll receive the support you require.
Let’s talk about what challenges you want to overcome during a one-on-one session via Zoom. During our intro session, we’ll also discuss your dating history, find any potential issues that might be holding you back from reaching your dating goals, and introduce you to our dating program, Dating Decoded.
