Chances are, you’re familiar with the game of hot and cold. In the beginning, a woman you’re dating might seem like she’s all in — responding right away to your texts, laughing at all your jokes, and shamelessly flirting. But then something happens. Suddenly, she acts super uninterested, takes forever to get back to you, and basically treats you like you’re her last priority. You might even start to think you’re a nuisance, even though things were awesome in the beginning.
What’s going on? you wonder. Why is she acting hot and cold with me? Did I do something to make her pull away? If so, how do I get things back on the right track?
The truth is, there could be a lot of reasons why she’s running hot and cold, and many of them have nothing to do with you. But that doesn’t mean you can’t turn things around. Let’s take a look at some of the most common answers to the question, “Why is she hot and cold with me?” and see how you can counteract them. It ain’t over till it’s over, fellas!
Reason #1: She’s Dating Other Guys
Sorry. But if you’ve been reading my articles here, you know I’m a proponent of MegaDating. In case you’re not familiar: MegaDating is when you make it your mission to go on as many dates as possible, in order to increase your confidence, get a better idea of what’s out there, have fun, and most importantly, give yourself the best shot at finding your most ideal long term girlfriend.
That being said, it’s totally fair for women to MegaDate as well — and they do. Personally, before I met my boyfriend, I was actually conducting a 100-date experiment, meeting all kinds of men and learning invaluable lessons along the way. MegaDating is a great way for anyone to revolutionize their outlook on dating. By allowing yourself to compare and contrast different people, it helps you learn more about what you want and need in a relationship.
So, if you’re meeting a woman for a first date, keep your expectations in check. Don’t live in fantasyland — she’s likely dating other dudes in order to find the right one! (And this is healthy, by the way.) But this means that her perception of you may change as other men enter the picture. Just don’t allow it to change how you present yourself. If you react too strongly to what she says and does, you could appear to lack confidence — and at that point, it’s game over. Hopefully, you’re MegaDating yourself!
Reason #2: You’re Not Setting Up Dates Properly
Let’s face it, dating can be a tricky game. And if you’re not strategic enough, you could end up blowing your chances with someone before they even get to know you.
Approaching the first few dates with the right strategy can actually increase her attraction to you, when done properly. Here’s my formula for making the most out of your first three dates with someone:
The most common mistake guys make on first dates is spending too much money. While it seems like taking her to an expensive dinner is impressive, it actually can backfire, for a couple of reasons. First, since you probably don’t know her well, it will make most women feel uneasy — like you are giving them a gift they didn’t earn. At best, they’ll think you’re desperate; or worse, they’ll wonder if you’re trying to manipulate them. Of course, it goes without saying that overspending on the very first date will also encourage the types of women who’d be more than happy to use you for your money.
So, do yourself a favor and use the first date as a quick meet and greet. Make sure you pay for the date, but spend no more than $10. That’s enough for a cup of coffee, or maybe a glass of wine at a moderately priced establishment. Also, schedule your date during the day (she’ll feel much safer that way) and keep it down to just an hour or so. That way, she’ll be more motivated to see you again. Just be sure to have your second date ideas ready to go, so you can make plans right away!
The second date should be something active, like hiking, roller skating, bike riding — you get the picture. A physical activity gives you both something to focus on, which can help decrease the chance of lulls in the conversation. And it shows her your playful side, which research shows is often the key to women’s hearts.
Perhaps the most important thing an active second date can accomplish, though, is making easier for the two of you to cross the “touch barrier” in a way that’s fun and appropriate. In other words, if she seems to be attracted to you (be sure to read the signs) and you feel the same, you might want to find little ways of being physical with her on the second date. This could be as simple as taking her hand to help her climb a hill while you’re out hiking, or giving her a high-five.
By the third date, the sexual tension should be escalated enough to where she’d happily accept a dinner invitation. And thankfully, you haven’t blown a bunch of cash on the first two dates, so you’re ready to splurge. Use this opportunity to impress her with a unique and romantic date — the kind that will make her say hell yes.
If you play your cards right and follow the formula, you should get a fair amount of women to the third-date stage without a problem. As long as you come up with the right date ideas, escalate sexual tension, and make her comfortable with you, things can move forward. On the flip side, if you don’t set up your dates properly, she really has no reason to stick around until date #3.
Reason #3: You Have Different Goals
Imagine you’re looking for a serious relationship, and she’s just trying to finish her college thesis. You might think her lack of responses mean she’s playing games, but you forgot one thing — her priorities are much different than yours. Could the idea of a relationship between the two of you really be just a fantasy?
Instead of trying to force things to work, consider what you really have in common with this woman. Ask yourself, are you guys are really on the same page? If not, then pump the emotional breaks and start filling up your dating funnel by MegaDating. It’s important for your mental health, and will keep you from freaking out on her when she doesn’t message you back.
Reason #4: You Have an Anxious Attachment Style
Sometimes, women seem to run “hot and cold” when they get turned on by a man’s positive qualities (like his confidence, sense of humor, maturity, chivalry, kindness) but then get turned off when he shows his negative qualities (like his insecurity, impatience, or controlling nature).
If you find yourself asking “Why is she hot and cold with me?” there could be a part of your personality that she’s reacting to negatively. Often, it could mean you’re coming on too strong. Another word for this would be clinginess, which is one of the biggest signs of having an anxious attachment style. (If you’re not familiar with attachment styles, definitely take the time to read up on it and maybe even take an attachment style quiz. It can really open your eyes when it comes to what motivates other people’s dating behavior, as well as your own.)
Basically, your “attachment style” reflects how you behave in relationships as an adult, based on your very first relationship — the one with your parent or primary caretaker.
If you have an anxious attachment style, your parents were probably inconsistent when responding to your needs. Sometimes they were there for you, and other times not. This makes you cling to people in relationships as an adult, because part of you still believes deep down that if you don’t, the person might go away. You don’t trust them to consistently be there for you without nagging them. You also may tend to try really hard to get people to like you, so you can feel secure.
Here are just a few ways an anxious attachment style can show up in the early days of dating:
- Sharing intimate details about yourself too soon
- Double texting, or getting irritated when the other person isn’t available
- Angrily accusing the other person of playing games
If you think you could have an anxious attachment style, then you could be pushing her away with these behaviors. Become aware of what’s going on with you emotionally, so you don’t sabotage a good thing.
Reason #5: She Has an Avoidant Attachment Style
On the opposite side, she could be running hot and cold with you because she has an avoidant attachment style.
People with an avoidant attachment style usually got a negative response when they expressed their needs as a child. An extreme example might be parents who abused them, but it could’ve easily been a more subtle rejection, such as a mother who was emotionally unavailable or neglectful. As a result, they became scared of relationships. They want to get close to other people, but are too afraid of getting hurt, so they ultimately push people away.
If the woman you’re dealing with has an avoidant attachment style, her feelings for you could be conflicted in this way. While one part of her wants to move forward with you, another part of her wants to shut down, so she seems to be hot and cold.
Here are a few signs of an avoidant attachment style that you might notice early on:
- Reveals little about herself, preferring to talk about neutral topics like work
- Says that she doesn’t need a man, or otherwise gives you that feeling
- Acts as if she likes you, then is indifferent
If you think she might have an avoidant attachment style, it doesn’t mean you have to pack up and go right away. Just realize that she’s running hot and cold because of her own issues, and in the meantime, stay consistent in how you treat her. Once she trusts you more, she might just open up.
Reason #6: Your Dating Skills Need Some Work
If you regularly have to ask, “Why is she running hot and cold with me?” then there could be a pattern worth investigating. Often, the easiest way to get to the bottom of it is to hire a dating coach.
An experienced coach can analyze your strategy for approaching women (if you have one), and give you feedback on what is working for you and what isn’t. A coach can also explain what’s happening in a woman’s mind in any given scenario, and help you avoid taking things so personally.
Why Is She Hot and Cold with Me?: Wrap-Up
The reasons why a woman is being hot and cold with you could be endless, which means you may never know for sure. So the best thing to do is not let it affect you too much, because it’s simply not worth it — especially in the early dating stages. If one of these reasons I’ve described seems to resonate and helps you approach the situation with a fresh perspective, then great! But if not, there’s no shame in hopping back in the saddle to find someone who will treat you the way you expect.
Also, if you’re looking for specific advice on how to navigate the dating game, or are even thinking of hiring a dating coach to take things to the next level, I’m here to help! Book a New Client 1-on-1 Skype Session with me, and we can dig into everything that’s holding you back from getting the results you want from dating. During our session we’ll also create a personalized strategy for you, and also discuss my 3 month coaching program. You may be surprised when our session reveals blind spots you never considered on your road to finding love.