How to Tell Her You’re Not Ready to Commit Yet
If Americans are good at one thing, it’s our ability to NOT commit to a romantic relationship.
Over the years romantic relationships have changed. Back in our parents’ day after a date or two, it was just assumed that you and your date were “going steady.” But that just isn’t the case anymore. Nowadays we’re much more reluctant to lock ourselves into a relationship. That might sound like a bad thing, but it’s not.
In this article, we’ll talk about why keeping your options open is actually a good thing as well as how to tell her you’re not ready to commit yet.
Why Not Committing May Be The Right Thing To Do
I’m the type of person that hates trying new foods.
Every time I go to an Italian restaurant I invariably order pizza, it’s just what I do.
The thing is, I order pizza because I know I like it, not because it’s necessarily what I like best.
We often treat dating the same.
Humans rarely if ever shack up with the absolute best partner. In fact NASA roboticist, Randall Munroe sought to find the odds that we’d actually meet and fall in love with our soulmate.
To figure this out he imagined that your soulmate is both alive and around your age. If that’s the case this is how you should go about meeting your soulmate and the odds of you actually doing so.
“The number of strangers we make eye contact with each day is hard to estimate. It can vary from almost none (shut-ins or people in small towns) to many thousands (a police officer in Times Square). Let’s suppose you lock eyes with an average of a few dozen new strangers each day. (I’m pretty introverted, so for me that’s definitely a generous estimate.) If 10 percent of them are close to your age, that’s around 50,000 people in a lifetime. Given that you have 500,000,000 potential soul mates, it means you’ll only find true love in one lifetime out of 10,000.”
1 out of 10,000.
Yep, you have a 0.010% chance of finding Ms. Right.
What I’m saying is that chances are the person you’re dating isn’t the absolute best person for you. Also, chances are you won’t find your soulmate.
Ya see, most of us will keep ordering pizza because it’s safe, not because we like it most.
Without dating around and trying new things you’ll always settle for what’s comfortable.
The reason you should be okay not committing is because you’re not okay with settling.
The best way to know what you like best is to try new things.
This is why while not committing you should be actively dating around, i.e. MegaDating.
Put simply, MegaDating is when you date women simultaneously. MegaDating is like hitting up a romantic buffet in order to swiftly find the woman you like best.
Some pretty sweet byproducts of MegaDating include:
— Reduces dating anxiety
— Helps avoid settling
— Lessens the blow of rejection
— Increases confidence
— Sharpens dating skills
— Makes you a better kisser
— It’s just freakin’ fun
However, when you’re MegaDating you’re likely to meet women that want you to commit.
Should this situation arise, here’s what you do.
How to Tell Her You’re Not Ready to Commit Yet
Talk It Out In Person
When it comes to delicate subject matters, it’s best to talk things out in person.
Talking in person, being able to hear another’s tone, and read their body language and facial expressions make for a richer interaction.
Talking things out via text will only serve to frustrate the two of you. It’s best to have one conversation in person and let that be the end of it.
Should she shoot you a message asking if you two are committed or not, simply tell her you won’t discuss this over the phone and would rather do so in person.
Then invite her to get coffee and go for a walk the following day. It’s recommended that you have this conversation in a public yet private place.
You also don’t have to wait around for her to broach the topic. If you are dating around you can be upfront about that from the jump. Being proactive means you get to take the conversation by the reins and control the narrative.
While this might be the more daunting path, it may ultimately be more the better one.
Express Your Truth
Let’s first consider what happens if you lie, shall we?
If you lie and tell her you’re committed (but you’re really not) then you lock yourself into a relationship you aren’t ready for.
This isn’t exactly the ideal start you want to a relationship.
If you lie, you won’t get what you want.
If you tell the truth, you still may not get what you want but at least there will be a chance.
I don’t know why you’re not ready to commit, but chances are it’s because you’re not 100% sure about this person and want to date around.
Tell her you’re still learning about what you like and don’t like in partner.
While you don’t know if you want to commit to her or not, tell her exactly how you feel about her.
Tell her you like spending time with her, that she’s hilarious, that she’s beautiful, and that you have tickets to see the Giants this Saturday and want her to come with you.
Consider Setting Ground Rules
There’s a pretty large grey area in between just dating and a committed relationship.
Nowadays all types of relationships are kosher.
To help both parties define the kind of relationship you’re in it might be best to set ground rules instead of labels.
Some ground rules to consider might be:
— You won’t sleep with other people
— You won’t sleep with her until you’re ready to be exclusive
— Not bringing other people back to your place
— Not asking about each other’s sex lives
Ground rules will help both parties feel more comfortable with their standing in their other’s life.
Ground rules are only worth setting if you see a future with this person. If you’re just trying to date around, perhaps save this chat for when your feelings have progressed.
Ask Yourself Where You’re Willing To Limit Your Exploration
About 95% of all romantic relationships are monogamous (at least in name).
Even though some may argue this isn’t the natural romantic dynamic for humans it is the one we ultimately choose.
This being the case, as your feelings for another progress you’ll be more and more likely to try to confine the other to a monogamous relationship.
If she’s super into you, she won’t want you to be dating around anymore.
Ask yourself where you’re willing to limit your sexual exploration.
If you’re 100% not into the idea of only having sex with her, be upfront.
Don’t lie and waste your time or hers.
7 Levels Deep Why
It’s not always easy knowing what you want.
To get a better idea of what you’re looking for, use the 7 levels deep exercise.
Here are 7 questions you should ask yourself to help determine what kind of relationship you want.
1. Why would I be willing to forgo exploration for this girl?
2. Why is the fear of hurting her more important than what I want?
3. Why is it so important that you don’t have a negative impact on others?
4. Why is it important to keep the peace and not have conflict?
5. What would it mean if someone perceived me as confrontational?
6. Why have I learned to avoid confrontation?
7. So what do you really want?
Asking yourself these introspective questions will help you decide what you want in a relationship.
Don’t be afraid to ask difficult questions. The more comfortable the questions the more helpful the answer.
How to Tell Her You’re Not Ready to Commit: Self Outline
To gain a better idea of what this conversation might look like, we’ve mapped it out for you.
Filling in the blanks and answering these difficult questions will make it much easier to have the conversation about commitment when the time comes.
Under each question or talking point in bold is a sample answer.
How to Tell Her You’re Not Ready to Commit Yet Vulnerability
“I’m scared to tell you about this because I don’t want to be misunderstood or for you to take things the wrong way.”
What I’m Ultimately Looking For:
— A life partner
— Someone I can build a really strong relationship with
— A strong friendship
— Someone I can be fully authentic with
— Have kids and have a family
— Someone to experience life with
In Order to Find What I Need:
— Take a few months to date other people and to continue dating her
— To see who I find attractive
— I thought there was more room to learn more about myself and have self-growth
— I want to realize my full potential
— I want to figure out what I really wanted
— I used to be pretty passive and I felt like there was a lot of room for improvement
— I’m bad at expressing what I want (in all contexts, in job interviews (compensation) and in dating)
— I want to see who I find attractive, to learn more about myself
— I can’t think of any red flags with you and that makes me feel like a fool to even bring this up
— I love how I feel like we’re equals and how mature you are.
— I’m blown away that you’re 9 years younger and I can engage you as my peer.
Dangers Of Me Jumping Into A Relationship Too Fast:
— I felt in the past I jumped in too quickly because of the heat of the moment and I wasn’t deliberate enough about it. I got carried away and the flame burned out and the relationship ended. It was terrible for me and for my partner because she felt blindsided and I don’t want that to happen again.
— We’ve been dating for two months
— If I’m not asking for what I want and being fully authentic, then I won’t be giving her 100% of myself.
— I don’t want to have to hide things from her
— In order to get everything I want, I need to be able to show up 100% authentically
Get What You Want:
— Would you be open to giving me a few months before we get into a committed relationship?
— Walking through these exercises will help you pinpoint exactly what you want from a relationship.
— It may be emotionally taxing but it’s much better to answer these questions here and now instead of in the heat of the moment.
How to Tell Her You’re Not Ready To Commit Yet – Next Steps
That all depends on you.
Are you ready to take the relationship to the next level or are you cool keeping things casual?
If you’re still struggling to understand what you want, maybe we should talk.
It’s always best to bounce ideas and feelings off someone else.
As a professional dating coach, I’ve helped hundreds of men figure out what they want and how to get it.
Let’s talk via a private 1-on-1 Zoom call about any and all of your romantic concerns and desires. We’ll create a strategy together and at the end of the session determine if my 3 month coaching program could be a fit for you!