A first date should be like unwrapping a present. 

Think of that new Tinder match as a gift, perfectly wrapped in scarlet and gold paper. It’s shiny, comes with a bow, and wants to be opened. As soon as you message your new match, the unwrapping process begins. But you don’t want to completely unwrap your gift virtually, rather you want to inspect it. Lift it up, feel its weight, perhaps even give it a shake to see what’s inside, but whatever you do, don’t unwrap it.

There’s a level of gratification that comes from getting to know someone in person that getting to know someone via text can’t replicate. It’s akin to unwrapping a gift in person, versus texting your roommate to do it for you. One of these feels immensely better than the other.

21st-century love seekers have a habit of misusing dating apps. Dating apps are designed to be addictive and lonely singles more often than not fall prey to their manipulative ways. We can counter their insidious ways by reframing how we think about dating apps. 

Helen Fisher is a biological anthropologist, a senior fellow researcher at the Kinsey Institute, and a chief scientific advisor to Match.com. When looking for romantic advice, it’s fair to say that Helen Fisher should be your go-to source. As someone that’s intimately aware of how humans have evolved to love and the role of technology in love, Fisher argues that the term “dating app” is a bit of a misnomer

Fisher says that “The bottom line is these are not dating sites, they’re introducing sites.” Users create profiles not with the intention of stacking matches like they’re trophies, but to find a romantic partner, whether it’s just for the night or for eternity. In order to do that you ultimately have to meet your match in person.

That brings us to the crucial question -how long should I message her before a first date? 

How Long Should I Message Her Before a First Date? 

The Message Timeline

The last time you were introduced to a friend of a friend, what did the interaction look like? You probably shook hands, shared a quick tidbit of information like where you both are from, and cracked a quick joke or two. This is exactly what a pre-date interaction should look like. 

Let’s stay within the context of dating apps.

Considering 40% of Americans use online dating, it makes sense that you’ll encounter the highest number of romantic prospects via this medium. 

So you scored a new match and now want to make conversation. Before starting the convo, remember two things. One is that dating apps aren’t really dating apps, they’re introductory apps. First dates aren’t virtual, they happen in the real world. Get in and out of the dating app interface as quickly as possible. Secondly, before pressing send, remind yourself that the conversation should be set up so as to swiftly build a connection and steer her towards either giving you a number or accepting a TDL.  

Your goal is to transcend the dating app in 10 messages or less. Expeditiously cultivate trust and convey your value before revealing too much of your personality. Convince her that you’re worth getting to know without having her get to know you. Remember, presents are much more fun to open in person than online. 

After having penned 10 messages, the conversation will fizzle out. Attraction needs air to breathe not pocket vibrations. When to take your fledgling relationship to the next level is crucial. It’s recommended to take it to the next level after having made her laugh or having broached a shared interest.

If you both are vibing out on pizza, tell her about this awesome pizza place that you two should get a slice at some time, how about this Sunday at 1? And really sell the idea. Explain to her why it’s such a great place or dish, and what makes it so special. Did it win an award at the International Pizza Expo? 

Perhaps you just cracked a joke that elicited a “lmao” response. Make the transition from the screen to the real world by telling her she seems cool and that you two should continue getting to know each other via text. Once you have her number the first message you send should be a TDL. 

Why Are You Using The App?

Our impulsivity comes out when downloading apps. If I swipe through my device right now I’ll find at least 5 apps that I haven’t used in at least a year. Before signing up for a dating app, filling out a profile, and beginning to swipe, ask yourself why you’re doing so. Is it because you were just bored on a Sunday or because you genuinely want to use the app as a tool to meet new people. 

So many men end up turning what was once a romantic interest into a pen pal. This is because they never committed. They didn’t take the app seriously, and thus don’t take the people they’re chatting with seriously. Do you really want to find a woman to travel to Malta with? Or do you just yearn the accessible hit of gratification that a new match or message gives you? Figure out what you want the app before you download it. 

But maybe you do take online dating seriously. You treat it like a second job, swiping through dozens of women every day, set goals, update your photos religiously, but still haven’t met up with anyone. You want to meet up with these women, but there’s something holding you back, it’s an old enemy that’s been stalking you ever since you gave your first presentation on the difference between igneous and metamorphic rocks in 4th grade – fear. Fear always finds us at our most vulnerable moments. But there are two things that can keep fear at bay.

The first is magic.

On the other side of that fear, there is a reward. Fear should be a sign of good things to come. You’ll never be completely fearless, so instead of absconding when the hair on the back of your neck become erect, use that fear as a signpost reading, this way to glory.

But hey, if this little pep talk didn’t work, I recommend heeding the advice of Navy Seal and bestselling author Brandon Webb, in his succinct book, Mastering Fear. It doesn’t teach you how to turn fear into your bitch, rather it teaches you how to befriend it. 

The second is the dating blueprint.

Disney has warped our notion of what a first date should be. A first date isn’t a walk through a winter wonderland or a fancy dinner at a 5-star restaurant. It doesn’t have to be the story you tell your kids every year or the make or break moment in a nascent relationship. A first date is merely an extension of the introductory messages you sent via text. If you’re adhering to the first date blueprint you’ll see that first dates should last no longer than an hour and that your wallet shouldn’t feel any more than $10 lighter by the end of the date.

We have a habit of building these crazy lofty expectations for first dates. We think that we’ll fall in love, or score a first kiss, but this just isn’t how it works. Lower your expectations and remember, it’s just one hour. Meet her at a coffee shop, have one happy hour drink with her, or just meetup for a walk. Trust me, it’s not that painful. Not to mention that the more often you date the easier it becomes. 

Why Women Message Back and Forth with No Intent to Meet You

Here’s a list of reasons:

• She wants the gratification of being wanted
• She’s dating other guys and doesn’t want to add another dude to the list
• She’s just as scared to meet up in person as you are
• For her, dating apps are emotional crutches that she uses for validation
• She’s scamming or catfishing
• It makes going to the bathroom so much more entertaining

Never take a rejection personally. Not receiving a match or a response back doesn’t mean she’s rejecting you. She doesn’t even know you. A female user can only glean so much from the five pictures you posted and the five-sentence blurb you wrote about yourself. A profile is a shadow of who you are. She’s not rejecting you, she’s rejecting your profile. 

Only start to worry if less than 10% of your matches respond. It’s normal for men to receive about a 20% response rate.

But if yours drops below 10% it’s time to book a strategy session with yours truly.

Introduce A TDL

So how do you weed out the women that aren’t interested in using the app to meet men IRL? Easy, use a TDL.

TDL stands for time, date, and location. It’s what you need to use in order to move the interaction from within the confines of the app and out into the real world.

Make your dating pitch unique and unequivocal (as I previously mentioned but let me drive it home for you again). Tell her that there’s a new bowling alley/diner that just opened up and that you’d like to go with her this Sunday at 12 p.m where there is this special event that happens only once a year. This way she can give you a clear yes or no answer. Don’t ask her on some amorphous date in the undefined future. Give her a concrete offer that she can provide an unequivocal answer to. 

Despite making your plans clear, do you keep receiving negative answers? It might be time to call in the expert. If you’re committed to finding someone of importance in your life, consider my three-month Signature Program — it will turn you into a dating maven.

Examples of Guys Who Message Too Long Before Taking Action

Let’s circle back to the question at hand; for how long should I message her before a first date? To illustrate this point it might be best to provide two examples of the antithesis of what you should be doing. 

Dylan: Hey

Steph: Hey

Dylan: How’s your Saturday?

Steph: Good, I went golfing. I never hit an entire 18 holes in one day

Dylan: That’s awesome, you don’t meet many women that are into golfing nowadays. How did you start?

Steph: My parents were big fans and I guess it kind of rubbed off. How’s your day going?

Dylan: Not as exciting as yours. I got my car washed and now am off to watch the Chiefs game.

A couple of things. Firstly, never start a conversation with “hey.” It’s cliche, dull, and doesn’t require a penetrating response. 

Secondly, did you see where he went wrong? He had a perfectly good opportunity to ask for a TDL after the line “…you don’t meet many women that are into golfing nowadays.” He could’ve said, “If you don’t have any plans this Saturday, why don’t we head to the range at 4?” This may have been too early to ask for a TDL but he still could’ve steered the convo towards a TDL by saying that he could use some lessons from a pro like Steph. 

Here’s another example of a man casting out his rod, getting a bite, but never reeling that fish in:

Matt: Hey there beautiful

Joanna: Hey there handsome

Matt: Looks like someone’s been working out

Joanna: The gym and my protein shakes are the only things I need

Matt: And what about your love life?

Joanna: That’s more of a luxury than a necessity. At least when you’re training for a marathon

Matt: Whattt? I’m so jealous, I’m always wanted to run a marathon. What marathon are you training for? 

Joanna: It’s the SF marathon on the 28th of July. If you’re not fit enough maybe you can come and cheer me on?

Matt: Hell yeah. Wow, you’re like the most inspirational person I’ve met on Tinder

Joanna: Hey, I do what I can

Again, never start a conversation with “hey” or a “hey” variant. Also, eschew from handing out compliments regarding beauty, she’s heard them all before. Your goal is to be different. 

Again, he had a nice chance to segue into a TDL after she asked him to cheer her on. She’s practically begging to be asked out but he doesn’t get the message. Instead he opts to perpetuate a never-ending conversation. He couldn’t easily said, “I’ll be there. But hey, if you need a training buddy why don’t be take a jog this Saturday? Shoot me your number and we’ll make plans.”

These are two examples of failed attempts to secure a number or TDL. Here are the successful tactics that will score you that number. 

The Message Sequence I Recommend

Don’t overthink it. Follow this simple formula to snag a date.

1. Did you know + a fun fact about something she clearly cares about (because it’s listed as a favorite on her profile)?
2. Have you been to… (TDL location)?
3. Value add of TDL (why it’s epic) and TDL. Hint: you’ll get fewer objections if your date idea sounds like it’s a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. Make sure your value add sounds epic!

Intersperse these three points with witty banter that convinces her that you’re high value and won’t cause her any harm. 

Examples of Guys Who Message Just Right

You’ve seen examples of men that don’t message properly. Now here’s an example of how to implement the aforementioned message sequence with precision. 

Man: Did you know your name means “Jehovah is his God?” Interesting. 

Woman: Hahaha ya I saw that & not sure how I feel about it :). Your name means an English Private Soldier, lol. 

Man: So we are 40 miles apart. Where do you live?

Woman: I live in Denver, HBU?

Man:  Oh, nice. Common ground 🙂 I live in Castle Rock, but I go to Denver every couple of weeks.

Woman: Nice, I know where Castle Rock is.

Man: Cool, this Saturday I’m going to Denver. Wanna meet at Rockies Coffee near the stadium, say 10am?  It’s an epic coffee shop that has some incredible photos of their championship run back in 2004. 

Woman: That would be lovely!

Man: Great, what’s the best way to reach you? 

Woman: Here’s my number XXX-XXX-XXXX.”  

And that’s all there is to it. Sure the guy’s pitch is a bit bold. But trying to finesse the conversation to the point that you never meet this person is an epidemic. Get in and get out. 

Here’s another example to give you an idea of what mastery look like.

Man: Did you know dogs can smell emotions? 

Woman: I didn’t know that. 

Man: Yeah, they can tell based on a person’s sweat whether they’re worried or not. Have you been to Billie’s Dog Park in the Mission? No I hear it’s epic because there’s a dog there that speaks French… I’m going to check it out Saturday at 2… want be my date? 

Woman: Sure, sounds fun!

Again, this man gets in and out. He doesn’t waste time on trivial icebreakers such as what she does for a living. Instead, he finds the most direct route out of the dating app and takes it. 

Let’s break down TDL sequence. 

1. _______ (her name), have you been to _______ (location for TDL)?
2. Value add of location and actual TDL request.

In practice, the TDL sequence will look like this:

1. Melissa, you should go out with me. Have you been to the Buena Vista? (wait for her to respond or for 48 hours to pass, whichever comes first).
2. It’s a historical landmark, home of the first Irish Coffee ever. You gotta try it! It’ll change your life. Wanna join me there Saturday at 2pm?

How Many Messages Before Asking Her Out, Conclusion:

Once broken down into segments, asking a woman to go out with you isn’t that all complex or time-consuming. Remember that there is no magic answer to the question: how many messages before asking her out. What’s important is that you quickly build rapport, present a high-value TDL, and ask her out before the conversation fizzles out. 

While all this sounds easy, putting into practice might not be. You may feel as though you’ve batting off curveballs in every conversation. To be able to hit the curve, you may need to call in the help of an expert. I’ve been perfecting male dating strategies for years.

By booking a 1-on-1 Skype session, we’ll create a dating plan that will lead you to find your significant other. In these sessions, you’ll learn skills that you’ll be able to practice, perfect, and use for the rest of your life.