Love doesn’t follow a formula.

As a result, it can sometimes be hard to know whether you’re actually in an “official” relationship with somebody or not. In fact, in some situations, one person might believe that the relationship is “official” while the other doesn’t.

Knowing when to have the relationship talk, therefore, is important – if only to avoid confusion and heartbreak. For some people this conversation can take place after just a few weeks, others wait a little longer, perhaps dating for six months before declaring exclusivity.

In most relationships, one person will be pushing to make things official and the other waiting. But knowing when exactly to have “the talk” can be difficult. So when should you consider taking your relationship with a woman to the next level?

When to Have the Relationship Talk: After 10-12 Dates

Although some men will want to make it official within just a few weeks – or days in extreme circumstances – relationships take time to build. In fact, neuroscience suggests that it’s best to wait at least three months before proposing exclusivity because of the effect that dating a new person has on our neurochemistry.

During the honeymoon phase of a relationship, our brains go into overdrive, releasing mountains of oxytocin. This is the feel-good brain chemical that heightens our sex drive and gets us interested in our new object of desire. It’s an evolutionary system with the sole purpose of getting us into bed with another person to procure the continuation of the species. But although it may feel good in the moment, it can also get in the way of our better judgment. We may have found a partner who is sexually attractive, but that doesn’t mean that they’re somebody that we will want to be with for the long haul.

A 10-12 date period gives you enough time to figure out whether there’s more than just sexual chemistry driving your relationship forward. These first 10 or so dates are your opportunity to discover whether your date shares your values. It also gives you enough time to assess whether this woman is sensitive enough to your needs.

You need to find out how they treat you over the long term. This means giving you time to spot signs of passive aggression- which usually becomes more serious in the future. It could also give you time see if this person is genuinely interested in your well-being, or just what you can offer them.

Although dating can often be disappointing, going through a trial period is essential to prevent heartbreak in the future. Dating for a little while gives you the space you need to think objectively about whether the person you’re seeing is worthy of your long-term affection.

Instead of focusing on how long you’ve dated a woman, ask yourself how many dates before a relationship.

We prefer to quantify the relationship by the number of dates instead of with a time frame is because if we said, have the relationship talk after three months, but you’ve only gone on 4 dates in that period, she’s bound to reject the offer.

When getting to know a woman you want to try to go on at least one date a week, ideally 2 or even 3 dates a week once you two become more comfortable with each other.

If you’re going on a date or two a week it’s plausible to have the relationship talk after a month and a half of consistent dating. However, there are plenty of other factors and milestones that come into play.

When to Have the Relationship Talk: After You Meet Her Friends

Most women want validation from their friends before committing to a relationship. As a result, it’s essential for men to meet with their friends – and get along with them.

Meeting your date’s friends can be a little nerve-wracking. They’ll be on the lookout for any signs that you’re not the right choice for their friend, and they won’t hesitate to tell her what they think when you’re gone. The trick here is to make sure that you’re the genuine, authentic person you believe that you are. Don’t sugarcoat your personality: act with virtue and her friends, if they’re good people, will automatically like you.

Although meeting your date’s friends might seem like it’s all about you, it’s actually a two-way street. You can learn a lot about her priorities from meeting her friends too. In fact, you may be able to gain insights about whether the relationship is worth pursuing from the quality of her mates.

If her friends are argumentative, petty and bigoted, then there’s a good chance that she also shares in those negative qualities. If, however, they’re courageous, informed and authentic, then you can assume that your date is too. The last thing you want is to be in a long-term relationship with someone who has friends you don’t like.

On the flip side you also want to make sure she meets your friends. 

Our friends know us better than nearly anyone and as such have a pretty good idea of who we should be shacking up with. Not to mention your partner will be spending a hell of a lot of time with your friends. If your partner and friends aren’t compatible you may want to wait to pop the question.

Make Sure You Meet Her Mom And Dad

Just as your date wants validation from her friends, she also wants approval from two other people with a lot of influence over her life. I’m talking about her mother and father. It’s important to understand before meeting her mom and dad what they’re looking for in a partner.

Most reasonable parents aren’t looking for a ready-made man with a flashy car, a big house and immediate resources to take care of their daughter and her children. What they want to know is whether you have the aptitude to provide a quality life for her in the future. Parents want their children to be well looked after in the long term, and so new men are often scrutinized intensely, at least to begin with.

Before having the relationship talk, it’s a good idea to meet Mom and Dad. If you and your date decide to take things to the next level, there’s a good chance that you’ll be spending a lot more time with these people. Often, both yours and her parents’ first impressions last throughout the relationship, and so it’s good to work out whether you actually like each other ahead of time. If your relationship with your date’s parents is poor, it’ll be a constant source of anxiety for you both going forwards and may well lead to arguments.

Meeting the parents can also provide profound insights into the character of your date. According to some experts, the majority of the problems in romantic relationships stem from the fact that people don’t understand each other. But by meeting the parents, you’ll gain insight into your partner’s background, hopefully explaining why they behave and react how they do. By carefully observing the parents, you may be able to pre-empt potential problems before they have a deleterious impact on your relationship.

Assure A Strong Physical And Mental Connection

Human relationships involve the body and mind, both of which need to be strong before taking the relationship to the next level. Physical intimacy isn’t just about sex. In fact, it’s been shown scientifically that touch can bring people closer together and establish long-lasting bonds. A study involving more than 335 people found that those who engaged in non-sexual intimacy were actually happier with their sex lives than those that didn’t. Hand-holding, hugs, and kisses are all good for building strong bonds that will make taking your relationship to the next level feel more organic.

A strong mental connection is also necessary. In practice, this means feeling comfortable – that is, not in danger – when around your date. If you are close to being exclusive, you shouldn’t have any high-stakes feelings about your woman. Rather, the relationship should have matured to the point where both people feel comfortable, even in the absence of conversation. Being with your date should be a non-threatening experience on a psychological level.

Staying emotionally connected with a woman during the dating period is, however, essential. You want to be increasingly open about your thoughts and feelings as you proceed. Make honesty the dominant theme so that you can share all aspects of your personality to test whether you’re compatible with your date. One way that men can emotionally connect with their dates is to “make her feel special” – in other words, do things that will make her feel good AND complement her personality.

It’s not just about sex: winning over the girl requires a little thought about what will make her feel happy. Don’t just go with the usual bouquet of flowers. Do something that will convince her that you’re thinking about her unique needs. For example, imagine you’re on a date with a woman who loves chocolate. Buying her a triple chocolate sundae will show her that you care about her wants. More importantly it demonstrates that you’re attentive, and that you’ve taken the time to remember something unique about her. 

You Should Not Be Motivated to Date Anyone Else… Kinda

It almost goes without saying that if you are considering taking things to the next level, you’re not thinking about dating anyone else. Usually, when you’ve found the right person, it’s clear from the outset, and anybody else you were thinking about suddenly falls out of the picture. But this doesn’t always happen, especially if you haven’t made a meaningful connection with your date.

But let’s not forget that you’re human. It’s natural to have an urge to date someone else or to see what else is out there, especially with our all too fast on the trigger dating environment where dating apps always encourage us to seek out the next best thing. If you don’t only have eyes for this woman after 10 or so dates that’s okay. Not all relationships are hot and heavy. Some of the best relationships are slow burns that take a while to really heat up.

When to Have the Relationship Talk: After You’ve Traveled with Her

Why is traveling with your date important before having “the relationship talk?” It turns out there are a whole host of good reasons: everything from their tolerance for stress to their ability to help you.

Even with the best planning, traveling throws up surprises. Travelling to new places always brings with it a sense of the unknown. Anything can go wrong, from losing your luggage to getting thrown in a dirty prison cell. Though it all, you can learn a lot about how your date reacts in more extreme circumstances, including stressful events, like losing luggage, missing a transfer, or feeling sick.

Traveling is also an excellent opportunity to observe your partner’s capacity to help you. Immersing yourself in a foreign culture means that both you and your date will need to rely on each other more than usual. Do they do their fair share of the organization, like arrange table reservations? Or do they leave it all to you? Worse still, do they expect you to do it and get angry if you don’t?

Finally, traveling is also an opportunity to find out whether you’re able to spend extended periods of time with a particular person. This is similar to the “airline test” that many companies use to test management. Often, during trips abroad, men find that their dates have annoying habits which weren’t apparent on previous outings.

You are Close to Saying “I Love You”

Finally, you want to make sure that before you decide to take your relationship to the next level that you have developed genuine feelings for the woman in question. Pursuing a relationship in which love is not on the cards is counterproductive, especially if the woman is harboring strong feelings towards you.

Though love is always a risk, it’s eventually one that men have to take. But be careful not to confuse love with desire: there’s a significant difference. Sustainable love is the involuntary response to virtue: it’s the emotional reaction you have to your date’s courage, integrity, and values. It’s something that you respect wholeheartedly and will continue to do so in the future. Desire, on the other hand, is related to the need to own and control- something which is usually anathema to happy coexistence with others.

It’s important for men, therefore, to understand the precise nature of their feelings. Do you have respect for the woman you’re dating? Do you look up to her as a role model and someone with integrity? Or do you just want to get into an official relationship with her to prevent anybody else sleeping with her? If it’s the latter, you ought to call things off.

You’re Super Excited – No Settling Policy

Throw logic out the window for a second.

Let’s get cheesy for a moment – what does your heart say?

I’m serious. Give me your gut response.

Do you want this woman as your girlfriend?

If the snap response is yes, then well done you my friend might be in the right mindset to ask her to be yours. Being excited about a woman is your lodestar. It’s the single most important sign you need to see when considering asking her to be your exclusive romantic partner.

More so than focusing on how many dates before a relationship of if you like her friends you need to be stoked about this lovely lady.

Too often we have divorced men enroll in our program, Dating Decoded, tell us that they weren’t excited about their first wife. They weren’t sure about getting married and ultimately they settled for their partner.

At Dating Decoded, we have a strict no settling policy. 

But we understand why men do it.

After not dating for a while, it’s easy to fall head over heels for the first woman that matches with you.

That’s why we teach our students to MegaDate.

Once You’ve MegaDated 8 to 12 Women

MegaDating is our proactive dating philosophy that encourages and shows men how to date various women at once. Instead of waiting around for Cupid to shoot you in the ass, we manufacture our own arrows. We teach men how to date prolifically. Doing so exposes you to a range of women and quickly allows you to find the woman that’s right for you.

Not to mention, MegaDating helps men avoid settling.

It’s difficult to fall for every woman you date if you go on multiple dates a week. Dating 8-12 women before shacking up for the foreseeable future allows you to shop around. Comparing and contrasting women is vital to finding the most compatible partner.

Dating Decoded

Dating around sounds nice and all but how is it done?

How can someone seriously date 31 women in a matter of months?

Ask Naeem, he did it.

In Dating Decoded we teach men how to leverage online and offline social channels to find dates. Via our online curriculum and weekly sessions, you’ll learn how to optimize your dating profiles to match with women online and how to pivot the relationship from the app and into the real world.

We conduct regular profile reviews so you’re able to outcompete the millions of other men on dating apps – our students outperform 90% of male users.

You’ll learn how to ask women on dates that are too amazing to pass up, how to turn up the heat on dates, how to have excellent conversations and everything else you’d want to know about dating. The bulk of the learning takes place in our self-paced learning platform but we also have two live sessions every week where we’ll address any dating obstacles you may have.

Once you feel like you’ve learned quite a bit it’s time to go on a mock date with one of our specialists. During this in-person or online mock date you’ll practice what you’ve learned and receive feedback after the date.

When you team up with emlovz you don’t just receive support from one coach but from our squad of coaches:

• Emyli – co-founder, curriculum specialist, leads weekly live sessions, all-around badass
• Tom – co-founder,  Man Cave leader where men come together twice a month to talk about dating and destress
• Audrey, Cat, and Brooke are all mock date specialists here to help you refine your in-person dating skills
• Tilly – if you want to have better sex, sex coach Tilly is your key
• Aundrea – create a custom meal and workout plan with your new fitness coach
• Mia – optimize your social media so you can slide into her DMs
• Hailey – have you ever wanted a celeb stylist to dress you? Now is your chance

Along with a team of coaches you’ll also receive a team of men just like you. In our online community you’ll always have a squad of likeminded men in your exact position to prop you up, offer support, and strategize with.

Knowing exactly when to have the relationship talk is never easy, especially if you haven’t had too much experience. But there are a few guidelines, (some of which have been discussed in this article), which can really help.

If you want to make things, even more, crystal clear, consider talking to our team via a 1-on-1 Zoom call and enrolling in our program.