By now you’ve surely heard of the gender wage gap.

On average women make 82 cents for every dollar a man makes. An amalgamation of sexism, biology, and a host of other factors have culminated in women missing out on equal pay.

But it’s not this gender gap that I want to focus on.

Nope, today I want to discuss the orgasm gap.

According to a 2016 study from the Archives of Sexual Behavior that surveyed over 52,500 Americans, 95% of heterosexual men usually or always orgasmed during sex whereas heterosexual women had an orgasm just 65% of the time.

The report concluded the reason for such a disparity was ignorance of the female anatomy, a failure to understand what women want, and indifference towards female pleasure. 

It’s time men learn what women want in bed.

Learning what women want will improve your relationship, help you have more sex, better sex, and will make you one of the few men that actually know what they’re doing.

To help you understand what women want in bed we recently spoke with sex educator, writer, and coach Niki Davis-Fainbloom (aka Miss Bloom). Niki’s goal is to give people the skills to have more satisfying, romantic, and sexual relationships.

What Women Want In Bed

What women want in bed is pretty straightforward.

They want to feel comfortable, sexy, confident, and of course, they want to orgasm.

So it’s not so much the destination that we discussed with Miss Bloom, but rather the journey.

How do you get a woman to feel comfortable enough to enjoy herself between the sheets?

We thought we’d start where all sexual encounters should, with consent.

Talking Consent With Your Partner

Consent is not straightforward.

It never has and it never will be.

However, how we talk about consent and how we give it is changing. The boundaries of what’s considered, right and wrong, normal and otherwise have changed.

“The shifts started with MeToo and it’s been really profound because it normalizes this level of consent that wasn’t normal. The way they used to teach it was if someone doesn’t want something they’ll say a clear no and that’s it. But now that we understand the way trauma works and the way the body works that is not always as clear as that and it’s on both partners when you’re engaging in a sexual encounter to make sure that the person’s verbal and nonverbal cues show they want to be doing this.” 

Men still believe that something is consensual unless she explicitly says no or physically pulls away. But here’s the rub, silence isn’t necessarily a sign of consent. Just because she isn’t fighting back and pushing you away when you try to take off her clothes doesn’t mean she’s down to get naked. And hey, just because she stops kissing you for a moment doesn’t mean she isn’t super turned on and wants to jump you.

Consent is confusing, so we asked Niki how to make it a bit less confusing.

She said it all had to do with communication, “before, during, and after to make sure both people really want to do it.” Communication means explicitly asking if they want to have sex and checking in throughout sex.

And if you’re thinking that asking someone, “hey want to have sex” isn’t sexy, you’re wrong.

Women won’t get turned on unless they feel comfortable with you. Respecting her, being willing to listen, and making your intentions clear is sexy and makes her feel safe with you.

While you’re having sex, simply check in with her and ask her if she’s alright, if that feels good, and be sure to ask her what she wants to do. Look, just because you guys started having sex doesn’t mean she wants to continue or is down for everything you propose.

Little check-ins throughout will vastly improve the sex for both of you.

Consent and Dirty Talk

Again, men don’t always feel like asking for consent is sexy. They don’t feel manly when they ask a woman if they can get a smooch. But consent is sexy and it actually goes hand in hand with dirty talk.

But first off, what even is dirty talk?

Let’s ask Niki…

“I define it as sexually explicit speech or conversation intended to seduce, arouse, communicate or inform a partner about a preference.”

This means that dirty talk isn’t confined to the bedroom. Dirty talk can take place in person or virtually and can happen before, during, or after sex.

So how do you bring this up?

Easy.

Just ask them what their turn-ons are or what they like.

And ideally, you have this conversation while you still have your clothes on.

Niki says “Instead of taking that risk while having sex with them and having it either go well or not go well, from the beginning stage especially if you feel there’s a sexual connection happening when it feels right just ask them “hey, what are you into?”

Plus let’s be serious, talking about sex before you’re getting serenaded by Daniel Ceasar is super sexy. It puts you two on the same page so that when it comes to having sex you know what each other is interested in and are in sync. It’s like going into a dance competition with a plan instead of just winging it. It’s always better if you have some idea of what the other person is into.

Asking them is a simple and easy way to have better sex.

And no, dirty talk isn’t necessarily what you see in porn. To create a better sexual experience dirty talk should encompass all sexual talk intended at improving a sexual experience. Again, it can happen before, during, and after sex. The dirty talk you can see in porn might be part of the dirty talk you bring into the bedroom. However, during your pre-sex dirty talk you should find out if this is something she’s into.

How Do You Know What You’re Into?

How do you know what women want in bed until you ask them?

But it’s not always easy to broach the subject or to get her talking about what she’s into.

Simply asking, what are you into might not elicit the response you’re looking for. That’s because not everyone knows what they’re into OR what they’re into changes depending on the partner, mood, setting, etc. Our likes aren’t stagnant, they have the ability to change at a moment’s notice.

So how can you really find out what she’s into?

One way is to ask her a series of questions about what she’s into. Be specific. Ask her about the music she likes to get it on to, if she likes power dynamics, what positions she likes, if she likes oral sex, etc. A great way to start thinking about bedroom preferences is to create a yes, no, maybe list.

It’s a detailed list of everything you like to do, don’t want to do, and are willing to try out.

Here’s Cosmo’s list to help you get started.

The yes, no, maybe list is something you’d ideally bring up before having sex for the first time, doing so can be difficult. If you plan on a sustained sex life with someone be sure to ask her what she’s into prior to having sex a second or third time.

This list is the perfect segue to the next question we asked Niki.

What Makes Great Sex?

Communication.

By communicating desires and listening to your partner you can take your sex life to the next level.

More specifically Niki says, “Figuring out what you want and saying it out loud. I think that’s what makes sex good. If in your head you’re not in the moment and worrying about something, “do I look good at this angle, are they having a good time or oh my leg’s gonna cramp should I tell them or keep doing this position that’s uncomfortable” Just say it out loud and that’s what makes sex good.”

This advice goes for men and women, but keep in mind men are usually the conductors when it comes to sex. Use your lead responsibly and ask her what she’s into. Sadly Niki tells us that most women don’t orgasm their first time with a new partner. A chief reason for that is that she isn’t comfortable. Make her feel at ease by simply asking if there’s anything you can do to make her more comfortable.

During sex be sure to check in with her and yes, ask her what she wants to do next. The better the sex is for her the more likely she’ll want to do it again and again.

I think it’s also important to note that what makes sex bad for men is different than what makes bad sex for women.

Bad sex for a man probably means that it was boring or that he came too fast. For women, bad sex may mean that, but it may also mean that she felt uncomfortable, unsafe, or even that the sex hurt.

Sex is best when both partners feel comfortable.

What If You Have Conflicting Styles?

Not everyone likes the same ice cream, watches the same Netflix show, or enjoys the same type of sex.

From vanilla missionary to screaming BDSM there are a million different ways to have sex, and everyone has their own preference.

So what are you to do when your styles conflict?

Honestly, it can be difficult and often involves compromise and experimentation.

Niki advises passing the baton off every ten minutes or so, “Do a little bit of an exchange so sometimes one partner chooses what you do for ten minutes, and then you switch, while the whole time you have a safe word… but it really takes experimenting and you’d be surprised how different preferences can overlap but the only way to do that is by experimenting. and communicating about it.”

But you know what, some of us like to do things that are a bit outside of the norm. So how do you broach your kinks to your partner and create a safe space for sharing?

“Have the conversation before sex so no one feels any pressure to try something right away.” Asking her if you can slather her ass with honey halfway through sex can be kind of a turn-off. “Make it fun… your first question should be, hey do you have a fantasy, is there anything I can do to enhance our sex life?” Then hopefully they would reciprocate your question and ask what you’re into.

But you know what, sometimes conflicting sexual preferences can’t be overcome.

When that happens according to Niki the options are:

1) Exploring a fantasy through porn

2) Something they need to explore in person leading to an open relationship or the end of a relationship

These options might not be the best, but the alternative might be a buildup of resentment due to not being willing to try what the other is into.

And you know what, don’t worry if the sex isn’t amazing the first time you have it. Practice makes perfect in all areas of life, including sex. As you two get to know each other you’ll figure out what the other is into and how to work together as a team to achieve freaking awesome orgasms.

Is Porn Bad?

Yes and no.

It’s true that porn can lead to ED, gives us unrealistic expectations of sex, and yes can lead men to objectify women.

But this isn’t to say that all porn is bad.

Niki says it goes both ways and that it depends on the type of person and porn. Porn is most made for men, “but that isn’t necessarily bad as long as you know what you’re consuming isn’t the way sex actually happens. But for some people, it can be helpful to think of new positions or words or new dynamics to explore so for some folks it can be affirming especially for some people with more extreme fetishes. “

But more often than not it sets unrealistic expectations. I mean when is the last time a woman didn’t look perfect during sex? When was the last time you heard a funny noise in porn? When is the last time you saw a woman have an orgasm or be asked for consent?

Porn is all about the man.

But as long as you know porn isn’t realistic you should be okay.

Not to mention there are plenty of porn websites that target women, websites like Bellesa. See things from her perspective by watching porn made for women.

Sex With A Woman With A History Of Sexual Trauma

1 out of every 6 Americans has been sexually assaulted. Given these are just the reported cases we can assume the actual number is higher.

Don’t be surprised if one of the women you go out with has been sexually assaulted and is carrying some form of trauma.

This trauma may impact how she experiences sex.

So how can a man make the woman he’s dating more comfortable both inside and outside of the bedroom?

Niki has addressed this throughout her work and advises that men “Be the exact opposite of the stereotype, so instead of being pushy at all or assertive let them make the first move when it comes to sex. And I also find that sexy even for folks without trauma. There’s just something nice about someone who’s just there and present and connecting with you and doesn’t seem to be wanting the one thing we feel a lot of men want from us.”

She also advises “not pushing them about the specifics of the trauma.” Just be a supportive partner that vocalizes that you are there for them. If they do talk, don’t make it about you, rather simply listen. This time is sacred and is about her. Niki says the first time someone reveals trauma can set the tone for the relationship.

If they have been a victim, be sure to ask them how they can help them feel more comfortable inside and outside of the bedroom. And for the 69th time, make sure to ask them about their sexual preferences prior to sex if possible. And even during sex, ask them how they are feeling and if you can do something to make them feel more comfortable and enjoy the sex more.

What Women Want In Bed And How To Give It To Them

We all know what women want in bed and now that you know how to give it to them you’re all set to throw on some Marvin Gaye and get your lovin’ on.

But maybe there’s just one problem.

Maybe you’re like the 28% of American men that didn’t have sex in 2019.

If that’s the case you’ll first need to snag a date.

If meeting women has been a struggle for you, team up with someone that has helped dozens of men turn around their dating and sex lives.

Here at emlovz we teach men how to mine for dates both on and offline so they can MegaDate (date various women at the same time). MegaDating is the quickest way to find an ideal partner. By dating around you can quickly figure out who your ideal partner is, meet compatible women, refine your dating skills, and of course, have better and more frequent sex.

To learn more about how our program can help you wine and dine women in your area, book a 1-on-1 call via Zoom. During this call we’ll discuss your romantic goals and show you how emlovz can help you achieve them.