The seed of our personality is planted in our youth.

It germinates, sprouts, and grows at rapid pace.

By the time we’re adults, there’s little that can be done to change who we are.

The experiences we have as children have an outsized influence on who we become and how we behave as romantic partners.

Both healthy and unhealthy interpersonal behaviors can be traced back to one’s childhood.

If a child’s guardians are flighty and seldomly show affection, it’s likely that a child will grow up to mimic these traits.

As they say; like father, like son. 

Dating Someone With Childhood Trauma

Dating someone with childhood trauma isn’t easy.

However, understanding that trauma will generate empathy, understanding, and will help you assess whether or not you want to invest in this person.

That journey towards understanding begins by identifying the ten most popular ways childhood trauma presents itself in a romantic partner.

Temperament

When we think of trauma we usually think of one horrific event.

But quite often it’s a series of smaller events that shape our adult temperament.

In laymen’s terms, a temperament is your overall mood.

We all know those people that are unflappable and optimistic regardless of the situation. And then there are those that are irritable, anxious and a misstep away from blowing up.

It’s the latter that generally don’t have the easiest upbringings.

You can find the four main temperaments below.

When growing up we learn how to act by basing our behavior on our models. Generally speaking, those people are our parents. But if our parents are dysfunctional we’ll also grow up to be dysfunctional. So if our parents argue and criticize each other instead of having civil conversations we’ll tend to mirror their behaviors in our romantic relationships.

That being said, the reverse can also be said. If our parents are tolerant, never yell, and show empathy for one another we’ll likely do the same.

Chronic Loneliness

If you’re a parent you understand the importance of skin-to-skin contact with a child during the first few weeks and months of their lives.

This closeness comforts the child as nothing else can. It assures them that they’re safe, loved, and cared for.

But as children aren’t mentally strong enough to withstand long bouts without this assurance, they require a steady stream of attention and care throughout childhood and adolescence.

Abandoning or neglecting to shower a child with affection can have grave consequences later on.

Fickle parents may create clingy or fickle lovers.

Should you grow up never knowing when your next dose of love will come, it’s likely you’ll feel this same way as an adult. Always fearful that you’ll be sidelined.

If your partner grew up without access to love they may behave as an anxious, clingy, and jealous partner.

Keep in mind that just because your partner displays one of these undesirable traits, it doesn’t mean you must immediately leave them.

Behavior lies on a spectrum and some traits are easier to alter than others.

The first step towards changing a behavior is to acknowledge and address it.

Financial Crutch

Some children grow up surrounded by extreme wealth or poverty.

Every child reacts differently in these circumstances.

As a result, dating someone with childhood trauma may mean they rely on you wholeheartedly to be taken care of or they refuse financial assistance at all costs.

One of the most common reasons relationships — particularly marriages — end comes down to financial woes.

Sometimes it feels easier talking kinks on a first date than addressing money. But if you’re serious about your partner, become at ease with chatting and dealing with money issues.

Reclusive Nature

Growing up surrounded by too many negative stimuli can overwhelm a child. It can put their nervous system into a state of constant fight or flight leaving them reeling from anxiety.

This chronic anxiety can carry over into adulthood even when not living in a chaotic atmosphere.

As an adult, your partner may have a weakened nervous system and be incapable of dealing with difficult issues. This may cause them to curl up and run away from the world should they be triggered.

In the most severe situations, they may have social anxiety, agoraphobia, and ghost you for long period of time.

But again, understanding their habits and attachment style is the first step towards changing behavior. However it shouldn’t be you leading the charge towards change, but them.

Unable To Effectively Communicate

Dating someone with childhood trauma may manifest itself in various ways.

Probably the most common is constant fighting.

We all know that there are conflicts big and small within every interpersonal relationship.

He wants Chinese she wants Mexican, she doesn’t want to go to her partner’s house for Thanksgiving, does, etc. etc.

Conflicts are largely manageable if both parties come to the table willing to understand the other’s point of view and attempt to compromise and move forward.

But healthy communication is a skill.

Growing up in a heated environment with parents that dealt with their own childhood trauma makes poor temperament a family heirloom.

Settling

Growing up in an unstable relationship can turn guilty children into guilty adults.

These adults may seek out someone that needs help.

They’ll find themselves attracted to those struggling with drug addiction, mental illness, and other ailments.

Instead of these afflictions being negatives, they’ll be viewed as opportunities to save this person.

This hero mentality comes from failing to change a parent during childhood.

Another way this trauma might manifest itself is by clinging to any partner that shows them affection regardless of the emotional and physical abuse they receive.

They may believe they’re lucky to have anyone love them and that they’re deserving of such poor treatment.

Chronic Monogamy

Dating someone with childhood trauma who might be a stern monogamist. At first, this might sound like a good thing.

A partner that is unwaveringly faithful is what everyone wants. But we want this loyalty because our partner genuinely loves who we are and respects us. Not because they need to prove they’re worthy of love and affection.

Fickle love as a child may lead to adults being severely loyal to a partner or even aspiring partners.

Have you ever dated someone that was serious about dating you after a first date? Or someone that only dated one person at a time, even if they’re not in an exclusive relationship?

Monogamy is a two-way street. If both partners agree to it, it should be respected.

However, it’s a bit of a red flag when the woman from Hinge you just met refuses to date anyone but you, after having gone on just one date.

I advise my clients to always be forthright about their dating lifestyles. As I promote MegaDating, my clients are always dating women simultaneously until they’ve found a woman they can get serious about.

If she ever asks if you’re dating around or tells you she’s only willing to date you, tell her that you’re dating multiple people at once in order to quickly find someone you’re compatible with. Tell her you’re tired of waiting around and finding someone compatible can best be achieved by dating as many people as quickly as possible.

Fearful Of Commitment

We’ve spoken a lot about clingers. About kids that weren’t doted on by parents and turned into adults that cling to affection.

The flip side of that is a serial dater.

Someone that runs away from intimacy as soon as it rears its romantic face.

A partner may do this if they grew up with caregivers that abandoned them, was erratic, or couldn’t be bothered to display affection.

They refuse to settle down because they fear the moment they invest emotionally they’ll get hurt. That as soon as they show their cards their partner will laugh in their face and abscond.

What To Do When Dating Someone With Childhood Trauma

You don’t have to fix this person.

It’s not on you to fix negative habits that have been reinforced for decades.

It’s okay to tap out and move on. You didn’t turn them into an unhealthy partner and it’s likely that you can’t fix them.

Perhaps the best thing for you to do is move on.

There are greener pastures out there.

You just have to look.

The best way to convince yourself of this is via MegaDating.

As I touched on previously, MegaDating is simply dating prolifically. It involves filling up your calendar with dates.

I urge clients to MegaDate for the following reasons:

• It’s super fun
• Will shorten the time it takes to find a compatible partner
• Helps identify what women you’re into
• Deters you from settling
• Increases confidence
• Refines dating skills

In my Dating Decoded program I teach men how to find these women by tapping into their social networks.

That means finding women:

• Via dating apps
• At the gym
• Through friends
• At parties
• In social groups

There are a million ways to meet women, and I can show you not only how, but where to meet the kind of women you’re most compatible with.

To learn more about our program book a 1-on-1 Zoom call. During our chat we’ll learn about each other, talk about your goals, and see if Dating Decoded is right for you.