Despite more ways to meet singles (and more singles to meet) than ever before, dating is getting more difficult, instead of easier.
Maybe it’s the paradox of choice, this idea that we’re unwilling to choose a mate because we feel there’s always someone better out there for us. Or maybe it’s our overreliance on superficial dating apps where men vastly outnumber women. Or maybe it’s just the fact that screens and the pandemic have turned us all into socially inept zombies.
In this article we want to dive deeper and better understand why dating is so hard.
Why Dating Is So Damn Hard
Why Online Dating Is So Hard For Men
Not even a blind woman would swipe right on a photoless profile.
Perhaps that was a bit hyperbolic, but when it comes to online dating photos mean everything. Photos are the billboards of online dating, whereas the bios are the small print that many of us never read. Despite the fact that written bios define users infinitely better than a couple of photos, females and males alike place much more importance on photos than written bios.
Maybe you’re a decent-looking guy, but your photos are meh. That’s a problem. To perform on the apps, you need to have high-quality photos. But poor photos aren’t the only reason.
There are 25 million women on dating apps in the USA. Naturally, you’d think that’s a large enough dating pool to swim in. The issue is that men outnumber women on certain dating apps (looking at you Tinder) by as many as 9 men to every 1 woman. With odds like that, women can afford to be picky to the point of being able to date out of their league. Men on the other hand are forced to date down.
I recommend that my students use 5 dating apps. By casting a wide net you’ll interact with various personalities and algorithms. If you’re not doing so hot on Tinder perhaps spend a little more time on Bumble. The more options the higher your chances are of landing a quality match. If you’re considering upgrading, only do so on one application. Upgrading on five will drive you crazy as you’ll feel the need to spend an excessive amount of time reading profiles and chatting up strangers. Keep your sanity. Don’t turn online dating into a second job.
If you do ever manage to get a match, many men struggle with the next step in turning that match into a date; having her respond to your messages. According to a research paper published in the academic journal, Science Advances, just 21% of men receive a response to their initial message. 1 in 5 women will message you back. However, that number will drop as the desirability gap widens.
There are any number of reasons why she chooses not to message you back. You two matched right, so there must be some inkling of a connection? While the connection might be there, consider how many messages she’s being bombarded with on a daily basis. In the aforementioned paper, the study found that the most desirable female user of an unspecified, yet popular dating service received 1504 messages throughout the course of the study. That breaks down to receiving a new message every 30 minutes for the span of a month.
Super desirable or just slightly attractive, if she has an online dating account, she’s getting inundated with messages. It’s your job to jockey for position and win her attention. You’ll do so crafting a solid opener and following it up with a light conversation, ultimately culminating in a TDL.
It’s daunting to know that you’re competing potentially competing against hundreds of other matches. However, our research shows that some of those dudes are fault. In a recent Hinge study carried out by yours truly, I found that 70% of men didn’t comment on a female user’s Hinge answer or photo. Of the paltry 30% that did message, only 5-10% of dudes said something apart from “hey” or a hey-like alternative.
Make your first message compelling. Comment on her profile, use her name, and don’t be overtly sexual. Here are a few first message examples to get you going.
- Let’s skip the customary ice breakers. Instead, tell me something weird about you.
- So tell me Mariela. How can I make you fall in love with me?
- The Office Trivia: Who said it? “Dwight you ignorant slut!”
- What’s the coolest thing you did during your time in Argentina?
The cliche hey, is well, cliche. It doesn’t take much effort to actually read her profile and comment on a hobby of hers. If she hasn’t written a bio, ask her a probing question that cracks her open and shows you her personality. Just don’t make the question too complex or she might not respond.
After you two have sent a few messages back and forth, set a TDL. Remember that dating apps only work if you meet up with your match in real life. To do this, you’ll need to ask her out. Too many guys make the mistake of asking her on an amorphous date set in an undefined future. With a TDL you’re asking her to go on a concrete date that has a set time, date, location, and activity. This way she has something tangible that she can seriously consider and either commit or reject.
Why Is Online Dating So Hard For Women
Now that we’ve addressed the men in the room, let’s turn our attention to the women.
Men may think that women have superpowers when it comes to online dating. They’re vastly outnumbered so they can choose to date a man who otherwise might be out of their league.
If that’s the case, why have 51% of female online daters reported either having a very negative or somewhat negative experience with the apps? 9% more women than men have reported having an overall negative experience with dating applications.
Online dating is hard for women for a number of reasons.
For one, most men on dating apps just don’t try.
When a woman opens her Tinder inbox this is what she normally sees.
Tons of opening messages that say nothing more than, hi, hey, or hey beautiful.
There are low-value messages. She’s not going to take the time to respond to all these mediocre opening lines.
And it’s not like the conversation suddenly gets better from there. Most men either try to rush into things and ask women out ASAP or they’ll be super passive and try to date her online.
Oh and I didn’t even get into all the abuse women receive online. Whether it’s a man commenting on her looks, telling her all the nasty stuff he wants to do to her, or just straight-up insulting her. Every woman who has ever swiped has a story of online abuse.
But online dating isn’t the only reason modern dating is super freakin’ difficult.
Physical Attraction
More than any time ever before both men and women feel the pressure to look good.
Every time we walk down the street or open SM we’ve inundated with images of insanely fit people. Naturally, this makes us only want to date a hottie with a body. The issue is that most people aren’t insanely fit and attractive. Because of this unrealistic beauty that for most simply isn’t attainable, more and more people are willing to pass over an otherwise amazing partner simply because they don’t deem that attractive enough.
This is the case for both women and men.
External Locus Of Control
Do you feel like your dating life is in or out of your control? In other words, where is your locus of control? Do you feel like you have the power to shape your own luck, or is luck an external force that happens to you?
Researchers have found that singles with a great internal locus (those who believe in creating their own luck) are generally more satisfied with their romantic lives and more optimistic than those who believe their happiness is out of their control.
Those with internal locus of control are generally less hostile towards the opposite sex, have healthy attachment styles, and are happier people in general.
Those with an external locus of control have less successful relationships, are pessimistic about their romantic lives, have unhealthy attachment styles, and have higher rates of depression.
The good thing is you can change your locus of control. Reshaping your perspective is possible with conscious effort.
These books might help you out.
Mental Illness
20% of Americans struggle with mental illness. But that number is probably lower than the reality as many of those struggling often fail to seek help.
Those with mental illness are perfectly capable of dating and having healthy long-term relationships. But when there’s a chemical imbalance, interacting with others and forming long-term relationships can be a struggle.
With mental illness seemingly always on the rise, more and more singles are struggling to find long-term relationships.
An Amalgram of Dating Problems
Researchers Alexander & Caitlin recently polled 355 singles on their top dating difficulties.
When asked how the behavior of the people they’re dating or may potentially date impacts their dating lives, this is how they responded.
Dating Difficulties Between The Sexes
Men and women have their own unique challenges when it comes to dating.
Here are the big ones.
I’d like to take note of a few challenges unique to each sex including:
- Struggling to know if the opposite sex is interested in them
- Struggling with social interaction
- Not trusting the romantic partner
- Not wanting to invest in a relationship
Circumstantial Difficulties
Some men and women find that certain circumstances hold them back – or at least they feel that way.
Here are some of the big ones.
Dating Decoded
Look, online dating and dating in general can be super difficult.
We’ve been helping men and women figure out how to get the most out of their modern dating lives for years now. We understand how modern dating works and how to get the most out of your dating life.
At emlovz we teach our students the shortcut to finding their ideal match by MegaDating. MegaDating is our dating philosophy and it shapes everything we teach here at emlovz. Simply put MegaDating is dating prolifically with the specific goal of going on 20 dates in 90 days.
This will give you ample potential partners to compare and contrast so you can refine not only your dating skills but also who your ideal partner is.
To teach you how to quickly find a highly compatible partner in just weeks and become the most eligible single in town you’ll team up with romantic experts, each skilled in their own unique area to support you.
Our Team
- Emyli (me), co-founder, curriculum developer, head coach, and I host coaching sessions every week
- Thomas, co-founder, and coach. He’ll lead the biweekly Man Cave event where men come together to talk dating, bond with one another, and support other single men
- Brooke, and Audrey are mock date specialists for men. Go on a practice date with them (and receive feedback) before your next date
- Darshil is our mock date coach for women. Go on a practice date with them (and receive feedback) before your next date
- Renee is our anxiety dating coach. As a licensed therapist she knows the steps needed to turn you into a cool, calm, and collected dater
- Hailey is your new stylist. She’s worked with celebs from every industry and is now about to raid your closet
- Tilly is our holistic sex & intimacy coach. She’ll help you get the most out of your sex life so you and your partner are happier between the sheets
- Mia is our social media expert. Revamp your Facebook and Instagram profiles with her help and start meeting singles online
Our Community
And look, we realize that the single life can be difficult. If accepted into our coaching program, Dating Decoded you’d be joining a community of supportive singles and coaches who are there to listen, support, and encourage you as you navigate the single life.
Our program offers every student a lifetime membership (as if you’ll need it) so the support won’t stop until you’ve found your ideal partner.
If you’re ready to find your forever partner, book a Zoom session with our team today. Together we’ll talk about your dating history, your goals and show you how our program, Dating Decoded, can help you find your ideal partner.
Here’s what our students are saying about us.
