Wondering how to stop being a people pleaser while dating or in a relationship?

First off, a relationship is an emotional seesaw.

As the give and take of a relationship changes, so does the seesaw. If she needs more emotional support one day, you adapt and make time and space to please your girlfriend. But being as that every relationship is a seesaw, it’s constantly oscillating.

A healthy relationship sees the both of you being pleased emotionally on a fairly equal basis. Sometimes the attention will swing her way, but when she’s recovered emotionally, she’ll reciprocate your kindness by giving you the attention you need.

But not every relationship is an equally weighted seesaw. Some relationships see the attention firmly balanced on one party for months before even a glimpse of affection is reciprocated.

Are you the type of person that is always pleasing your romantic interest?

Learning how to stop being a people pleaser while dating may have been an idea you once thought anathema. This is because more likely than not you’ve been a people pleaser your entire life. Embedded in who you are is the urge to emotionally attend to the needs of those you love. This isn’t a bad trait, but it can backfire if the attention is too one-sided.

How to Stop Being a People Pleaser While Dating

First, What Is A People Pleaser?

Before providing a prognosis, let’s first clarify the diagnosis.

A people pleaser is someone who serially gives more than they take.

It’s this behavior that was sowed in your youth and nurtured as you grew. It most likely started during your childhood. While everyone is different, those that constantly feel the need to please others generally grew up in homes with little to no emotional support. To receive affection, the child always had to give it.

Growing up in an environment where little affection was offered, serial pleasers have learned not to ask for too much. The constant rejection of affection has taught them that gestures of love are not liberally forthcoming.

Spotting a pleaser is easier than you’d think.

The next time you’re at a party, take note of the person that always laughs at every joke and constantly asks if the host is in need of a hand. This is how they’ve learned to create a social bond. It isn’t through making themselves the life of the party, but rather acting as the footstool for those they seek to win affection from.

Why Being A People Pleaser Holds You Back In Dating and Relationships

Everyone is deserving of their time in the spotlight.

Incessantly pimping oneself out to the favors of others will leave any normal person feeling emotionally drained and cheated.

In particular, this pleasing behavior can be exacerbated in a romantic relationship. This is because the person that you’ll hike, dance, and dine with will get to know you intimately. They will learn how to turn the screw and manipulate you to get what they desire.

The ability to be able to sit back, recline, and receive is vital.

Oddly enough, we feel best when the person we’re trying to please is pleasured.

Making someone else feel good, in turn, makes you feel good. If you’re never receiving, you’re depriving the person across the table from the ability to make themselves feel good, by knowing that they’re the reason you’re smiling.

Failing to equally spend time at both the top and bottom of the emotional seesaw guarantees a failed relationship in the long term. Eventually, the imbalance will lead to the destruction of the relationship. 

How To Receive

Now that we’ve identified what a people pleaser is and the importance of not being one, it’s time to learn how to stop being a people pleaser and learning how to receive.

Start with Giving To Yourself

As selfish as this may sound; you’re number one.

Start by shifting your mentality, by making a list of 10 things to buy yourself, activities you want to try, or vacations you want to take. And when I say you, I do mean you and only you.

Making a list of dream vacation doesn’t necessarily mean you have to skip off to Fiji next week.

This list serves as a turning point. The simple act of creating a list will help you get comfortable with receiving things for yourself. When was the last time you got pampered by a beautiful woman? When was the last time you had a massage, got your nails done, flew first class, bought a fancy new pair of golf clubs?

Get in the habit of being “treated.” Start by treating yourself so you can get in the habit of receiving.

Ways Guys Who Are Good At Receiving Treat Themselves

They buy themselves the Rolex watch they’ve always wanted, they take time to themselves put their feet up, they order a fleet when they want to.

These guys aren’t afraid to say “yes I’d like that” when someone offers to do them a favor.

How do you normally respond when someone offers to do something for you?

Practice instead, saying “wow, I would love that so much, thank you.” And guess what happens when you do this. Not only are you feeling so happy and grateful but you’re allowing that other person to feel the good feeling of making you happy and grateful.

Really start paying attention to when a favor is offered and to how you respond. The standard response is something like “Really, are you sure? That is really really nice of you, thank you, I would love that.”

Don’t be surprised when someone else wants to please you for a change.

Practice Receiving Compliments

Say thank you instead of refuting.

Are you the person that constantly deflects credit when it’s given? Do your co-workers offer praise that you continually deny because you believe you’re not worthy or are afraid to allow yourself to feel good? If so, this is a sign that you should start being honest with yourself and begin accepting compliments. Acknowledge that you’re deserving of praise and that having the light shine on you for a moment isn’t a bad thing.

Don’t tell them to stop or reject compliments.

What would happen if you said instead “oh my gosh, that makes my entire day, thank you so much” — what would happen to let them know that you appreciate their compliment?

The opinion of the person that just complimented you matters. Deflecting praise means you devalue their opinion. 

It feels so good to say something nice to someone and have them really receive it and appreciate the risk that person took in complimenting you. Showcase how warm and fuzzy you feel with words and gestures.

Compare this to deflecting the compliment which is actually rude to the person dishing out the compliment.

Start to practice that and become cognizant of compliments. Now let’s practice.

Anytime someone gives you a compliment, take a breath, look them in the eye, smile, and say “thank you so much, that means so much to me.” It’s hard at first because there’s a part of you that maybe doesn’t believe it.

To rewire your thinking, write out 100 reasons why you deserve this dream girl. This will make you feel more confident and will remind you of all the things about yourself that are amazing and make you feel worthy.

Practice Accepting Help, Ask for Help, Then Allow It To Happen

I want you to ask for help this week. And next week. And then the following week. 

Does your boss call you out on never asking for help? Have you heard that you never ask for help from friends or family? Push your ego to the side and ask for a little assistance. 

The most successful people in life are the best at asking for help. This practice can improve all areas of your life, not just in dating.

A wonderful exercise that embodies this important principle would be to attend a Tough Mudder event. Nearly all of the obstacles require you to receive assistance from your fellow runners. It’s extremely powerful too. There’s an obstacle in particular that comes to mind where you have to run up a half-pipe and grab onto the arms of strangers to make it up. It really can’t be done without help and to actually receive it has been a game-changer for myself and everyone I’ve invited to join me in the experience.

Practice Standing Up For Yourself

Don’t accept poor treatment from anyone.

Speak up immediately when someone violates a boundary, otherwise, you will begin to have resentment which will ultimately kill your relationship. You can’t expect a woman to understand when a boundary has been crossed in a nascent relationship without informing her. Instead of allowing anger to kindle, put out the flame before your relationship begins to burn by having a discussion, and voicing your opinion. 

Using I statements can help express yourself.

Make sure that when somebody does something you don’t like that they know about it. Even if they didn’t mean to. You can always preface it with, “I know this probably wasn’t your intention but I received it this way and I didn’t like it.” If it’s all about I statements, instead of, “you’re a dick,” then it’s fine and good communication will help you to have a better relationship that lasts.

Prepare for these awkward romantic situations by standing up for yourself in your day to day life.

Example: your restaurant order is incorrect.

You order your steak cooked to medium-rare and it comes out well-done.

Action: Ask your server to get the steak cooked the way you asked for it.

If confronting someone is too awkward for you, use a little levity when airing your grievances. Make light of the situation while still making your voice heard.

Practice Asking for What You Want

Example: You see a wine glass that’s different than the one you have and you’d like to drink your wine out of that glass.

Action: Ask the server for the glass you want.

Other examples include asking for something that isn’t on the menu. Even small requests can make a huge difference.

All of these seemingly mundane examples are meant to build up and finely tune your interpersonal skills.

When You Bump Someone Do You Say Sorry or Pardon Me?

Subconsciously we almost always say sorry when we bump into someone.

Do you immediately accept the blame by saying sorry, or do you shrug off the encounter? Your immediate response will tell you a lot about who you are.

Hey, I’m not advising confronting someone just because they bumped into you, however, you also shouldn’t roll over so easily when someone else might be to blame.

Try the Dare Me App

Jia Jiang created this app after completing 100 Days of Rejection. He has an amazing Ted Talk that teaches you to start asking for what you want, even if it’s not on the menu, normal or something someone else would ask for.

It’s a good habit to get into because there is a lot that can be done to make you happy and all you have to do is ask. 

This Will Help In All Areas Of Your Life

Learning how to stop being a people pleaser will augment the quality of your life in various contexts. Your work, social, familial, and romantic lives will all improve once you learn how to ask for what you want. 

Need some personal help with this topic? If so, book a 1-on-1 Zoom session with me today to rewire your relationship with the women you’re dating. Learn how to ask and receive the affection that you crave. If you’re not dating anyone and have goals of finding love this year, we’ll discuss my 3-month Signature Program (watch my webinar here) to see if it’s a fit for you.