Most people don’t really know where they’re going and are using a bad map to get there.

Read the title and then forget it. There is no such thing as an ideal partner; at least in the sense that the word ideal is generally understood. The word “ideal” has two meanings that you must comprehend to understand the mistake of using an ideal to select a romantic partner.

The first meaning is “satisfying one’s conception of what is perfect; most suitable.” The second meaning is “existing only in the imagination; desirable or perfect but not likely to become a reality.” Neither of these meanings is conducive to getting you a date, getting you into a relationship, and, or, achieving physical intimacy.

As an aside, if you simply want skip to the physical intimacy and “score,” then does it really matter what your ideal is? Mostly what lies down that road is unhappiness and antibiotics. Hopefully if you’re considering acquiring or refining dating skills then you’ve moved beyond the physical aspects of intimacy.

How to Select Your Ideal Partner: What It Means to You

If I cannot have my ideal partner, then why engage in identifying what it is I want? Put simply most people never get that far. Consider your own dating history: why did you pursue, or wish to pursue, certain people and not others? Odds are that you have a physical standard and have not refined your criteria much further than appearances.

It is less a question of not being able to have that ideal than having no conception of what you want. It is also a fair bet that if you’re here that you haven’t been entirely successful in your dating endeavors. None of this will change without having a conversation with yourself, a period of self-reflection.

Consider both of the definitions of “ideal.” Neither one really has much to do with the other person and has everything to do with the person holding that ideal. It is your conception, your imagination, that defines the ideal.

What Do You Want: Create a Criteria List

The first step then is to decide what you want. “Oh, I want a supermodel.” Very well, that is not an abjectly crazy answer given that many people cannot but help but pursue exceptionally beautiful people but is that really what you want? Have you actually dated a model? Are you comfortable with dating someone who’s self-worth and income is intrinsically bound to their appearance? How are you going to react when they are no longer seriously employable as a model; probably before age 30? Are you willing to accept they will be traveling to exotic locations and associating with people with whom they may have quite a bit more in common? Do you have a problem with tasteful nudity if it advances the plot? Perhaps you are accepting of all of these things but more likely is that you just haven’t considered the question beyond the fantasy.

When you start to consider the questions posed above, you see that while you would probably still go for the supermodel if their car broke down in front of your house, and you had jumper cables, that you might want to take some time thinking about what you actually want and what the consequences of success might be.

A list can be very helpful to refine your thinking. What are the traits you want in a partner? Be specific. Most people will say they want someone “kind.” Be more precise; what does kindness mean to you specifically? Making a list of traits can be a useful technique for this process.

Instead of sitting down and making a static list, you may find that it is more helpful to keep a working list. As you date, as you talk to people, and as you reflect on those experiences, your list of desirable traits is going to evolve. Logging those changes can focus your search.

What seemed very important when you made your first date might be much less important after your tenth date. Not because you feel the cold grip of desperation, but because you are learning. Things that seemed critical when you wrote them down will fade as you meet real people who challenge your assumptions. Things you left out of your criteria, because they seemed trivial or never occurred to you, will gain fresh import as you see how those traits play out in real encounters.

For example, your desire for a mate who pays a lot of attention to you might not survive your encounter with someone who needs a text message on the hour to feel needed; at the very least you will revise your definition of “a lot of attention.” You might find the opposite, you might want more attention but the lesson is that your criteria will be tested and will evolve.

It is inevitable that you will find yourself writing something like “not my ex.” Again, be specific and try to be write in the positive. If you find it helpful to write out the 100 things you like least about your past relationships then by all means go ahead but remember to be flexible.

When trying to find their next great relationship, often you will see people speak in terms of deal-breakers. While it is entirely sound to have a short list of traits that you just cannot abide, things like infidelity, hard drug use, physical or emotional abuse, it is equally important to not confine yourself in a prison of your own history. You might feel like saying “never again,” at the end of a relationship but be aware that if your list of people you will not date gets longer and longer, then one day you will wake up with everyone excluded from consideration.

Remain Flexible In Your Search for “Ideal”

The less flexible you are, the smaller your pool of potential mates is. Remember also that while you are identifying and selecting your ideal mate, so are they. If you confine yourself to a small set of specific traits, you might naturally select yourself right into extinction.

Maybe more important, by saying no to people who aren’t quite at 100 percent of your criteria, you run a very real risk of passing over someone who is almost everything you want. Maybe your supermodel is plus-sized, maybe she has a nose that would do justice to a bird of prey, or maybe you meet someone who is just plain but who thinks you’re remarkable.

When you’re on a date, keep your criteria in mind but remember the problems with pursuing an ideal: it exists only in the imagination, and may desirable or perfect but is not likely to become a reality. While you must be on the alert for red flags, active psychosis for example, you do not want to eliminate someone arbitrarily.

You might also consider not eliminating people after one date. No one, you included is at their best on a first date; everyone has their brightest, least authentic, smiles on and their defensive shields carefully raised. Heck, most people are simply focused on not coming off nervous on a first date. 

Furthermore, because so many people have put forward a less than accurate self-portrayal to this point, you need to wait to see who comes out when the shields come down a little. A useful skill to acquire is being so comfortable in a dating situation yourself that you radiate an aura of confidence which is not only appealing but which will induce people to be less defensive.

The worst that can happen is that you’re out an hour of your time and the cost of a couple cups of coffee while at the same time you’ve refined your dating skills. Consider every single date an opportunity to hone your skills, refine your presentation, and practice. Put aside any fears you have about dates that turn out unsuccessfully, because you will absolutely strike out; the players with the most home runs are often the ones with the most strike outs.

Get Out There & Do Work

Once you have a rough outline of who you’d like to meet, you need to actually do it. This is another point at which people generally make missteps. There is a reason long walks on the beach and getting caught in the rain are cliches; not only are they overused to the point of becoming comedy, but they’re such common statements that they do not actually assist you in identifying what you want. Sadly, life is seldom a series of walks on the beach; it tends to be a lot less exotic and a lot more mundane. 

Start identifying what you really enjoy doing; what did you do last weekend? Not what did you aspire to do before you slept through it. If you actually did nothing last weekend, then what was the last activity you did?

If you find yourself thinking back over a long period of doing nothing then you have a different problem. Do you want to date someone who never goes out, never does anything, and has to invent interests? Ironically, if you take part in online dating you will soon realize that many people do very little and a significant percentage of people’s stated interests and activities are aspirational or something they did once three years ago.

Do not be those people; if you want to do something then there is no day like today to start doing it. You will be a more interesting and attractive dating prospect for having done so; the worst than can happen is that you learn something you have always wished you knew. Always wanted to play a shredding guitar solo? Can’t swim? Wish your high school French was better? Here is where you make yourself a better person.

It sounds like the poster that you stared at, eyes glazed, for a year in junior high algebra but that does not make it less true: stop wishing and start actually doing things. You will also be opening up potential situations to meet people because, as a general rule of thumb, attractive and interesting people are not going to stop by your apartment to ask you out.

Be Transparent on Your Dates

Once you develop, or if you have, actual interests, then be up front about them. If you really like dressing up as your favorite comic book hero, or polka, then be clear about it. If that is something you spend time doing, and that you intend to keep doing, then own it.

It is a lot more attractive, and frankly interesting, to be authentic on your dates than to fade in to the faceless masses taking long walks on the beach. Moreover, not only are you making yourself more appealing, but you’re getting any relationship started on a foundation of honesty. If your entire presentation is a collage of half-truths and aspirations that you never fulfill, then prospective partners are being mislead.

Instead, make your entire presentation authentic. Some caution is warranted here: if your hobbies are exotic to the point of being distasteful to a majority of people, you might be best served by seeking a partner exclusively within the confines of that activity. Of course this applies to the more mundane past times as well, if you want to dress like a super hero, then seeking out others of like mind will provide you with an environment full of self-selected potential partners.

Having Drawn a Better Map

Hopefully, with time and refinement of your criteria and adjustment to your methods based on repetition, you will be able to identify what it is you’re after. Remember to return again and again to your criteria. You may find that some criteria will never change, like wanting someone who satisfies your definition of kindness, and others will change constantly.

You will be better off with an introspective and evolving approach to selecting potential partners. There is nothing to be afraid of other than trusting your romantic future to chance. Of course, some people do hit the lottery, but most people do not. 

Author Disclaimer: The views expressed in this article do not represent the views of the Social Security Administration or the United States Government. They are solely the views of Ted Stalcup in my personal capacity or as a representative of EmLovz. I am not acting as an agent of the Social Security Administration or the United States Government in this activity. There is no express or implied endorsement of Ted Stalcup or of EmLovz by either the Social Security Administration or the United States Government.