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How to Become an Alpha Male But Also Be Chivalrous

By Emyli LovzNovember 9, 2018Attraction
how to become an alpha male

Are you wondering how to become an alpha male?

I often get questions from clients who feel like they are being passed over for their alpha male counterparts. While they are continually friend-zoned by attractive, high-quality women, they notice the guys who ooze masculinity have these same women vying for their attention.

In fact, some self-proclaimed “nice guys” start acting like jerks (being overly sarcastic, negging, sneaking around etc.) in hopes that women will cozy up to their newfound “bad boy” persona.



And to those guys, I say: QUIT IT.

Being an alpha male is not synonymous with being a jerk.

Characteristics of an Alpha Male

An alpha male is a strong, confident leader who basically has all of his s*** together. When you think of an alpha male, think of the following traits:

  • Confidence
  • Courage
  • Control
  • Badass decision maker
  • Physically and mentally healthy
  • Leader
  • Genuine
  • Strong

This is the type of man a woman flock to. In fact, when women say they are tired of dating boys and want to find a “real man,” they are actually saying that they want to find an alpha male.

But while masculinity and confidence are important to women, they also want a man who has a soft side. A guy who leads the pack during the day and can hold a door open for a woman or offer his jacket to her at night is the quintessence of husband material.

Reaching alpha male status can seem like something relegated to the elite few. But in reality, anyone can become a much-sought-after alpha male — including you! Below, check out my expert tips on how to become an alpha male but also be chivalrous.

How to Become an Alpha Male #1: Grab Control of Your Life

Alpha males take control of their own destiny and are always moving forward when it comes to their personal trajectory.

When it comes to figuring out how to be an alpha male, you first need to take a step back and look at the state your life is in. If things are a mess, it’s time to grab control of your life — both personally and professionally.

Don’t sit back and wait for life to happen to you. You need to be the one that works toward positive change and takes the reigns when it comes to your own destiny.

Hate Your Job? Find Another One

Let’s say you hate your job. Don’t just sit around and wait to be fired or laid off so you can collect unemployment until a dream job rolls around. Women crave safety and security. If you are constantly complaining about your job or are unemployed, this is going to deter women in a major way.



If you’re wondering how to become an alpha male, start checking job boards, talking to friends who are in similar fields as you (or know people in similar fields), and put yourself out there with confidence. For example, my boyfriend plays on an adult softball team here in San Francisco. He tells me when his team gets a win that all the guys go for drinks. During this “guy time” I’ve been told that a lot of this conversation revolves the guys discussing their careers and potential job openings at each other’s companies.

And when it comes time to interview, follow these tips from the extremely informative — albeit gloriously dated and silly — video.

Channel Your Inner Social Butterfly

Now, when it comes to grabbing control of your personal life, it’s important that you fill your time with activities that make you happy, as well as people. If you feel like your social life has been lacking lately, schedule some time with friends and/or family each week.

If you want to make new friends, consider joining a co-ed adult sports league. Furthermore, Meetup.com is teaming with group activities for literally any interest and personality type.

Finally, one recommendation I give to people looking to make new friends and increase their confidence is to sign up for an improv comedy class. Improv teaches you several skills that will help you in your personal, professional and romantic life, including:

  • How to be charismatic
  • How to get out of your head
  • How to go with the flow
  • How to stop judging yourself
  • How to celebrate failure
  • How to be more engaging
  • How to not give a f*ck what other people think
  • How to be more spontaneous
  • How to be playful on dates
  • How to let go of control and judgment
  • How to not take life so seriously

#2: Start Making Decisions That Improve Your Life

Make decisions for yourself that align with your goals. Look at the things that have been holding you back in dating, work and other areas of your life. Maybe you have bad eating habits, have past issues you haven’t addressed or have stayed in a job you hate for years because you’re afraid that there is nothing better for you out in the world.

An alpha male grabs life by the horns and attacks every opportunity that comes their way. You should do the same.

One way you can do this is by changing your mindset.

Switch Your Thinking From Scarcity to Abundance

One of the big mistakes people run into when it comes to work and dating is getting trapped in a scarcity mindset. A scarcity mindset is defined by beliefs that the world is extremely limited and that finding resources for happiness is extremely difficult to come by.

Conversely, changing your mind from scarcity to abundance allows you to see that there are endless opportunities before you. Jobs are plentiful and so are women. You don’t need to get hung up on one job, woman or opportunity at a time, because even if you get rejected, there will be plenty of options in the future.

Stop Focusing So Much on the Outcome

I touched on the concept of being too focused on the outcome — rather than the process — when I wrote about why it can be so hard to approach women you’re attracted to. Now I’d like to delve a bit deeper into why being outcome-focused can be detrimental in the dating process.



When you’re outcome-focused in the dating world, your thoughts are fixated on one thing — finding a long term girlfriend. While it’s great to have that goal, don’t let a fixation on said goal keep you from enjoying the dating process, and being present during a date.

According to bestselling author and relationship expert, Margaret Paul, Ph.D., focusing on an outcome instead of the process can lead you to:

  • Attach your worth to the goal, which can further decrease your self-esteem
  • Cause you to be resistant to trying new things out of a fear of failure
  • Increases anxiety

Conversely, when you focus on the process without worrying about the outcome, you are more likely to:

  • Feel excited — rather than stressed out — by the prospect of taking a risk and facing a new challenge
  • Give your all to something
  • Be OK with rejection

Alpha males focus on the journey rather than the result, which actually produces greater results overall.

One way you can put this into practice in the dating world is through a strategy known as MegaDating, which I will detail later on.

#3: Don’t Always Lean on People for Advice

It’s great to have a social network and family members that can lend an ear when you’re trying to figure things out. I think it’s great to go to these people for advice as long as you don’t become solely dependent on said advice.

While it’s good to get feedback, you need to build your confidence by making decisions for yourself. Do research when it comes to a decision. Moreover, listen to your gut before making a major decision. If the pros outweigh the cons when you take everything into consideration, go for it.

#4: Teach Others

When people ask me how to become an alpha male, I always point out leadership skills. Alpha males are leaders and it’s important that you practice being a leader in your own life in order to become an alpha male.

Find a crew of friends where you’re a couple of years older. You can find friends of varying age groups by using my aforementioned strategies:

  • Join groups using Meetup.com
  • Join an adult sports league
  • Take an improv comedy class

When you’ve developed friendships with people a couple years your junior, start teaching and sharing. This allows you to naturally develop leadership skills.

If you need more help with becoming a leader, I recommend you check out John C. Maxwell’s book on the 21 Indispensable Qualities of a Leader today.

#5: Use the 80% and 20% Method

Focus 80% of your time on what you’re really good at. Then, spend 20% of your time trying new things.



This is extremely effective because it allows you to overcome challenges without getting overwhelmed.

#6: Find Hobbies That Truly Interest You

Finding shared interests is going to be extremely important in your dating life. In fact, the first step in developing a connection with someone involves building trust and rapport through shared interests.

That being said, you need to take part in hobbies that truly interest you. Don’t go hiking simply because your buddies like to. Carve your own path.

#7: Assume the Director Role in Dating

This is possibly one of the most important pieces of advice I can give you on how to become an alpha male. Women want a man who can take initiative when it comes to dating.

In dating, assume the director role without being bossy. One way you can do this is by crafting compelling date ideas using a TDL.

A TDL is an acronym that we at EmLovz use to describe the call-to-action during a date request. It stands for Time, Date, and Location.

Here’s an example of appropriate use of TDL:

“I know you said you’re a big sushi fan and have been dying to try a new place. I want to take you out on Saturday night to Sushi Flamingo. What do you think about 7 pm? I can pick you up.”

In this example, the guy is clearly taking the lead without being pushy. Moreover, he picks a date that aligns with the girl’s interests. And the fact that he offers to pick the girl up is extremely chivalrous.

Conversely, if you say something like, “Let’s get together for sushi on Saturday…do you have a place in mind?” you’re not being an alpha male. Women get frustrated with men who ask them out with absolutely no plan in mind. And if you put the ball in her court about what you two should do, this can lead to a frustrating back-and-forth where you both can’t figure out where, when and how.

#8: Practice Chivalry on Dates

Always practice chivalry on dates. Hold the door open for a girl, pull out her chair, PAY for the first three dates and don’t expect anything in return. Chivalry is something that women always appreciate for the following reasons:

  • It’s work: Becoming a chivalrous gentleman takes effort. You need to make sure you are focused throughout the time you spend with a girl in ways she doesn’t necessarily have to be.
  • Statistics: Despite the progress that has been made, statistics show that men continue to earn more money overall than their female counterparts. This is one reason that I advise my clients to pay for the first three dates.
  • Chivalry is synonymous with respect.
  • Women value strength: Women value strength in a man and someone who is willing to do things like holding open a door, paying the bill, and even carrying a woman’s luggage shows strength.
  • Being chivalrous means showing girls you are a good planner by using a TDL.

#9: MegaDate

One way you can practice your alpha male skills is by MegaDating. MegaDating is a dating process that involves dating several women at the same time in order to diffuse energy and increase your overall success rate.

During my 100-date experiment, I used MegaDating as my main strategy. It helped me find a long-term, compatible partner and it can do the same for you!

When you aren’t in an exclusive relationship and are struggling in the dating world, MegaDating is one of the best strategies you can use to:

  • Decrease anxiety
  • Lessen the pain of rejection
  • Increase self-esteem
  • Avoid settling for the mediocre

MegaDating makes you a lot more attractive and confident because it forces you to put yourself out there, try new things, and — most importantly — it makes you realize that there are plenty of fish in the sea.

How to Become an Alpha Male: Hire a Dating Coach

Are you ready to transform yourself into an alpha male and stay out of the friend-zone for good? Head over to my calendar and book a 1-on-1 Skype session with me today! During our session, we will create an action plan to help you overcome your specific dating roadblocks so that you can CRUSH your goals.

I’d also like to invite you to check out my Dating Profile Services for all of your online dating needs. During my 100-date experiment, I analyzed thousands of male dating profiles. I know how to transform your profile into something that stands out among the competition and also showcases the best version of you. My online dating profile services will quickly improve the number of responses to your outgoing messages, the number of incoming messages you receive, your overall profile views, and more.