If you’re single, you know all too well what dating anxiety feels like. Sure, everyone has butterflies in their stomach, but not everyone has the radioactive butterflies buzzing around your insides.

Dating anxiety can straight up kill a vibe.

I’ve helped thousands of men and women over the years become expert daters. Many a single has walked through ours doors claiming that their nerves get the best of them while meeting new people and on dates. After undergoing our transformational program they see the results, but you can start to shift your mindset right now by understanding what’s going on inside your mind and your date’s.

You, Your Date, And Anxiety

To get out of your head, you first have to get inside it.

So let’s see what’s going on inside.

No One Is Thinking About You

Have you ever done something stupid in a public place and everyone turned their heads to look?

Sure you have.

Maybe you dropped a glass on the floor, tripped, or your stubborn Golden protested and plopped herself down when you told her it was time to go home so there you were tugging her as she expressed her civil disobedience. 

Whatever the case, I’m sure you played that moment in your heard over and over. You couldn’t believe how big an idiot you were and now worry that stories of your idiocy have traveled far and wide and that you’re the talk of the town.

You’re not.

Studies abound that show that we all care much more about ourselves than others (as if academic research were needed to prove this). Sure we’re going to think of what a clutz you are for a moment, but then we’re right back worrying about ourselves.

A recent study examined what percentage of a regular conversation was spent talking about oneself. They found that whenever their participants opened their mouths, 78% of the time, they would talk about themself or their perception of the world. The brain’s default is to think about ourselves.

Think of how liberating understanding this will be when you’re on a date or talking with new people at a party or the gym.

They’re far less concerned with what you’re wearing, that weird thought you just had, how you smell, and are more concerned about what they’re wearing, what they say, and their own body odor.

No One Actually Knows You For You

What gives us the most dating anxiety is rejection.

It’s putting ourselves out there, showing someone we desire who we are, and being rejected.

But we’re taking that too personally.

The reality is that person doesn’t really know you, so when they reject you, they’re not rejecting the real you.

Let’s apply this to a few situations. 

When it comes to online dating and you’re not getting matches, please, please, don’t take this to heart. You are not your online dating profile. 

That’s nothing more than a snapshot of who you are, a little peek into your soul, but a superficial one at that. Even after you two have been chatting for a little while and they unmatch, ghost, or refuse to go out with you, realize that this person still doesn’t know you very well. They’re not saying no to you, but to the puzzle piece of a person they know you as. Not to mention, there are a million reasons not to go out with someone that have much more to do with our own lives than the person we’re talking to.

Maybe we’re too busy, too afraid, and too worried about being rejected ourselves, so we reject to feel safe.

Here’s another context.

Imagine you approach someone at a party, bar, or on the street and you fail to get their phone number or make a connection. Honestly, this should be the expectation. We’re naturally standoffish to strangers. You can’t adequately showcase who you are in such a short period of time. So again, if they reject your advances, that’s normal, they still don’t know the real you.

But what if you’ve gone out with someone a few times and they still reject you?

You’d think that after a few dates you’d get to know someone right? Meh, sometimes.

You will only ever be viewed through someone else’s lens.

Their past experiences, biases, and prejudices will all come into play when dating. 

We’ve already seen how in our own heads we are. This will always prevent us for seeing someone as they truly are.

Someone who has been in an abusive relationship will see your biting humor as toxic, someone with an avoidant attachment style will run away the second the start to like you, and someone who is the life of a party will see you as boring if you aren’t willing to dance on a table. 

If this person can’t see you for who you truly are, that’s fine, in fact it’s pretty normal.

The good news is that there are like 8 billion people on this planet, chances are you’ll get it on with someone else.

It’s Not You It’s The Compatibility

So much anxiety surrounding dating comes from rejection. As we’ve seen there are plenty of reasons to reject someone, the most popular one has to do with compatibility.

When the person we’re dating tells us they no longer want to see us, we immediately think we’re not good enough for them, but this is the wrong way to translate the ending of this relationship.

Really what the person is saying is, we’re not compatible.

Maybe this means you two have different values, life goals, hobbies, habits, music tastes, humor, etc. What this all really means is that your personalities clash more than they mesh.

If this is the case, it only makes sense that the relationship didn’t last.

The reality is that opposites don’t attract. 

We have the best chances of finding love and staying with someone who grew up in the same neighborhood as us, went to the same schools, has a similar socioeconomic background, likes the same music, has the same humor, and has same religion and politics as us.

Don’t take it the wrong way should they end things.

Again, it’s not you, it’s just that you two weren’t compatible enough. It’s not that you did anything wrong or that you weren’t enough for them, rather you guys just didn’t have enough things in common.

On to the next one!

Dating Exposure Therapy

Exposure therapy is the practice of interacting with the source of your anxiety until you no longer feel anxious. Instead of running away from fear, you run towards it.

This is exactly what Jia Jiang did when he got rejected every day for 100 days.

He was fearful of rejection and felt that it was holding him back.

So he did something about it. He sought out rejection. The only way to conquer your fear is to face it head-on in the line of battle.

He asked to have dinner at a stranger’s house, asked to play sports in someone else’s backyard, he even asked to give a class at a local university.

It’s not like Jiang conquered his fear, but he was able to get his butterflies in formation.

He was able to manage his fear and, in fact, use it as wind in his sails.

Remember that on the other side of fear, there is magic. What’s making you fearful is something that you probably want really bad.

Whether that’s a goal you have, a job, or the phone number of that cutey in the Science-fiction section.

Manage your fear by using MegaDating as exposure therapy.

MegaDating is dating prolifically.

We teach our students how to go on 20 dates in 90 days. 

When you go on a date or more every 4 days, you quickly get over your dating anxiety.

Instead of being fearful of the person across the table, you welcome each and every dating opportunity. What used to scare you now excites you.

Dating Decoded

We know dating is scary, but there are plenty of ways to get over these fears.

To teach you how to manage your dating anxiety and find a highly compatible partner in just weeks and become the most eligible single in town you’ll team up with romantic experts, each skilled in their own unique area to support you.

Our Team

• Emyli (me), co-founder, curriculum developer, head coach, and I host coaching sessions every week
• Thomas, co-founder, and coach. He’ll lead the biweekly Man Cave event where men come together to talk dating, bond with one another, and support other single men
• Renee is our anxiety dating coach. As a licensed therapist she knows the steps needed to turn you into a cool, calm, and collected dater
• Brooke, and Audrey are mock date specialists for men. Go on a practice date with them (and receive feedback) before your next date
• Darshil is our mock date coach for women. Go on a practice date with them (and receive feedback) before your next date

Our Community

And look, we realize that the single life can be difficult. If accepted into our coaching program, Dating Decoded you’d be joining a community of supportive singles and coaches who are there to listen, support, and encourage you as you navigate the single life.

Our program offers every student a lifetime membership (as if you’ll need it) so the support won’t stop until you’ve found your ideal partner.

If you’re ready to find your forever partner, book a Zoom session with our team today. Together we’ll talk about your dating history, your goals and show you how our program, Dating Decoded, can help you find your ideal partner.