Can’t let go of your ex? Yes, breakups hurt… literally.

Love doctors (read: neuroscientists) have found that regions of the brain that are activated in response to physical pain also become activated when broken up with. Not only this, but all those feel-good hormones like dopamine and serotonin that were being manufactured day and night thanks to your relationship have now been cut off. Sure it’s cliche and all, but suffering a breakup is chemically akin to going through drug withdrawal.

Part of the reason this all hurts so bad is because you feel as though you’ve lost “the one.” But here’s the thing, I can almost guarantee you she wasn’t.

NASA-roboticist and love guru Randall Munroe wrote a book in which he tries to answer absurd questions with the help of science. One of those questions is, “what are the odds we’ll meet our soulmate?” After quite a bit of mathematical acrobatics, Munroe concluded that there’s a 1 in 10,000 chance that you’ll meet your soulmate. That takes into consideration that your soulmate is alive the same time you are, is more or less your age, lives in your city, and is being actively looked for.

What this all means is that the woman that broke your heart wasn’t “the one.”

This recognition shouldn’t make all your woes go away. However, it should help you frame the most recent breakup in a different light.

This realization alone might not be enough to help you make romantically wise decisions post-breakup.

In this article we’ll walk you through the five most common issues newly wounded singles are plagued by.

Can’t Let Go Of Your Ex? What to Expect & How to Handle It

Jealously

Some of the first feelings that might arise are those of jealously.

Jealous that she’s spending time or dating someone else, whether it be her friends or her new romantic interest. You’re jealous of old and new lovers as you compare your relationship to those she had and those she’ll have in the future. You’re jealous of the couples that walk gleefully hand in hand, as you internally scream that, that should be you.

To avoid all feelings of jealously, ask for an exit interview. In a civil manner, ask that you and her have one final chat -in a public place- just so that you can have closure. Jealousy runs rampant when you allow your mind to create scenarios that don’t even exist. Gain a concrete understanding of why the relationship ended. In this way, you’ll be able to quiet any internal questions surrounding why the relationship ended.

These feelings of jealously will surely be put to the test if an ex is still in the picture.

In some ways, it’s a good sign that she doesn’t go ballistic in a breakup situation and instead keeps people around who were meaningful in her life. Keeping in touch with ex-lovers means that there wasn’t any traumatic event of pernicious behavior that led to a falling out. This is a sign that she has her emotions intact and knows how to have a healthy relationship. 

I’d look at it as a red flag if a woman said she cut out every ex completely. How can you eliminate someone who was closer to you than anyone else? That said, it’s easy to get jealous and anxious when an ex is in the picture. When this happens, it’s good to be transparent and to ask her questions about the relationship so you can manage your own expectations.

When she’s answered all your questions in full and has shown you the respect you deserve it’s time to reciprocate that respect by giving her the distance she’s asked for. Even if she hasn’t accepted an “exit interview” it’s still important that you show her respect by giving her space.

It’ll be easier to give her space and stop thinking about her if you’re MegaDating.

MegaDating is simply the act of dating multiple women at the same time. The best way to move on from one relationship is to see that there are other women out there. There’s no better way to do that than via dating various women every week.

Dealing With Anxieties Around Them Getting Back Together

Many a relationship will end because a former flame never went out.

Ex-lovers have a habit of orbiting our lives until the opportune moment presents itself.

You need to know where you stand with this other guy and being jealous and trying to manipulate her into not seeing him isn’t the answer. This behavior only suggests that you’ll be controlling and jealous in the future. No woman wants that.

Be open, communicate your anxieties, and ask her questions to uncover where she’s at and what the likelihood is that she’ll get back together with him. Managing your own expectations as well as hers is important during this phase. Maybe she’s not even looking for a relationship. Make sure you’re both on the same page (explicitly). Don’t just assume she wants the same things as you or that the two of you are on the same page. Communication is key in all phases in the relationship. Don’t be afraid to get real.

Being able to effectively talk about delicate subjects is a great skill. There’s a great book called Crucial Conversations that can really help with these types of interactions. To understand your romantic interest’s thinking, you’ll need to ask difficult questions. Learning how to broach awkward subjects and talk about them in a comfortable manner is one of the best relationship and interpersonal skills you can have.

What If She’s Moved On And You Haven’t?

If she’s the one that ended the relationship, it’s likely that it’s easier for her to move on than it is for you. To her, you may already be that guy she used to know. If you can’t let go of your ex but must, you’ll need to put in the work.

First things first, don’t consider your situation out of the ordinary. Feelings of inadequacy, resentment, and loneliness are natural.  How else are you supposed to feel when you stop dating a beautiful, smart, interesting woman?

If you want to date your dream girl, chances are other guys are going to be hung up on her too. It’s important to control your jealousy, to communicate clearly, and to set boundaries for yourself so you don’t lose your mind.

Remember: you can’t control anyone but yourself.

Try to let go of the fear and replace those thoughts with gratitude for what you’re enjoying about the relationship. 

A quick, but shallow way you can attempt to move on is by blocking her on SM. While the emotional wound is still fresh, it might be best to not see her online or IRL. Archive your text messages, block her on SM, and do everything in your power to not talk to her. Naturally, you’ll feel the need to interact with her because you’re low on feel-good neurotransmitters like dopamine.

Avoid leaning on her for your fix by booking a session with a therapist or coach, dating other women, or hanging out with your friends. Your buddies can always be counted on for a good time.

Once this initial hump is over it’s time to start getting back out there. Use MegaDating to get over your ex. Mine dates via IRL social events and online dating. By tapping these social streams you’ll be able to date a myriad of women.

How Do You Talk About It With Your Ex?

When you can’t let go of your ex and have to see her, make sure and use “I statements” not “You statements.”

Make sure you’re communicating your feelings, anxieties, and concerns, rather than blaming or making accusations or assumptions.

No one can disagree about the way you feel. It’s important to not be combative, which can be challenging when you’re feeling emotionally triggered. When you recognize that your emotions are getting the best of you, take some time to yourself. Journal, meditate, go for a walk, talk to a friend, do whatever you need to do to get it out of your body.

Try writing out your resentments, fears, and insecurities. Then consider how you are responsible for those feelings. How are you responsible for the situation? How are you responsible for what’s triggering you? Take responsibility rather than blame. That will help you to communicate effectively without creating regret or resentment.

Should a sit-down conversation be needed with your ex, ask that it takes place in a public place. Go into the conversation with a civil mindset. While tensions may run high, it’s important to do nothing more than listen to what she has to say.

Once the conversation is over, it’s ready to move on. You need to be prepared to hear things that might upset you. Despite not hearing what you had hoped for, you must accept what she’s said and move on. Don’t try to persuade her to give you another chance. The point of the conversation is to understand what went wrong and how to avoid it from happening in other relationships.

What If You Lived Or Owned An Dog Together

Now this breakup just got all the more real.

Instead of viewing her as an emotional partner, see her as a business partner.

When it comes to paying off expenses, don’t let your emotions get in the way. Ideally, you two had a healthy financial life and split costs fairly all along. Cutting ties quickly means paying off all shared debts as soon as possible.

Make sure that conversations about finances and those about your romantic relationship aren’t intertwined. Get the money sorted out as quickly as possible before discussing the end of your relationship. It’s quite difficult to arrive at a mutually acceptable financial conclusion after a shouting match about your relationship.

As for the dog, if you two still live close to each other and both want the dog, the fairest thing to do would be to share time with him or her equally as if you both had custody. However, this may not be possible. Picking up your pooch from her house every week might lead to a flare-up of emotion and make it even harder to move on. It might be best to either purchase the dog from her or to say goodbye to both her and the dog.

Still Can’t Let Go of Your Ex? So What Now?

Now it’s time to move on.

You’ll move on, there’s no doubt about that. Some studies show that it takes about 3 months before we begin to feel better after a breakup. That timeframe can no doubt be shortened by dating other women.

But how?

How are you supposed to be emotionally available enough to date again?

Take the first couple of weeks to yourself. Stack your social calendar with engagements, eat as much ice cream as you want, and just try to enjoy your life without thinking about women.

After these two weeks have elapsed, it’s time to start dating again.

When you schedule a new client 1-on-1 Zoom call with yours truly, we’ll put together a tailor-made dating blueprint just for you. We’ll figure out what you want in a relationship and just how to achieve it.

You’ll learn how to put together an amazing online dating profile, what it takes to meet women in person, and how to ask them out with a TDL. Hey if you even need it, you can sign up for our matchmaking service.