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Dating with Asperger’s: 11 Tips for Men

By Emyli LovzAugust 12, 2019Strategy
dating with asperger's for men

Dating with Asperger’s? You’re not alone, so no need to worry. I’ve got 11 tips that will supercharge your dating experience. And remember this: just because you have Asperger’s doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy a fun and fulfilling dating life.

Have you been diagnosed with Asperger syndrome? Due to certain difficulties with social cues and communication, dating with Asperger’s can be challenging. Asperger syndrome (or simply “Asperger’s” for short) is a condition on the autism spectrum that is generally considered to be a higher functioning form of autism. 

I’ve teamed up with Eva Mendes, an Asperger’s and Autism specialist, and the author of the bestselling book, Marriage and Lasting Relationships with Asperger’s Syndrome to get you the best information I could find on the topic. Eva Mendes, LMHC, NCC is a proficient and seasoned couples’ counselor, who works with couples where one or both partners have Asperger’s Syndrome. Her advice is practical, actionable, and well-informed and I know you’re going to feel better after reading her recommendations.

But before we dive into the specifics, let’s talk about what Asperger’s is.

What is Asperger’s?

As noted, Asperger’s is a form of autism that is associated with high-functioning individuals. Common symptoms include:

  • Social awkwardness, which can lead to limited social interactions and difficulty making friends
  • Repetitive and robotic speech
  • Precociousness, often appearing in the form of advanced speech and language skills, which — counterintuitively — leads to challenges with nonverbal communication
  • Difficulty with eye contact
  • Unusual mannerisms
  • Fixation over particular topics or interests
  • Trouble understanding social cues

If you have been diagnosed with Asperger syndrome, behavioral treatment can be a huge benefit, whether you’ve received it previously or not. Contact your general care practitioner to see what your options are.

Remember, above all else, your Asperger’s is not something to be ashamed of, even if it’s caused challenges in your dating life. Many people have Asperger’s and have found much success — including some famous names like:

  • Dan Aykroyd
  • Anthony Hopkins
  • Susan Boyle
  • Dan Harmon
  • Daryl Hannah

There is a strong link between autism and creativity. As such, it’s important to remember that what is challenging for you is also what makes you unique.

Dating with Asperger’s Tip #1: Use This Dating Blueprint

People with Asperger’s tend to get fixated and extremely passionate about one thing. It’s great to be passionate, but you want to try to curb that enthusiasm a bit at the beginning stages of dating.

When dating with Asperger’s, you may be at risk of getting taken advantage of financially. If this is happening to you, you’re not alone. Lots of guys have similar concerns in the dating world or end up spending too much money during the first couple dates. That’s why I recommend following this dating blueprint in order to impress women you go out with while also keeping your credit score intact:

  • First date: The first date should less than an hour, take place during the day and cost no more than $10. The goal of this date is to build trust and rapport.
  • Second date: The second date should be something active and free. Some great examples would be going for a hike or visiting a really cool museum. The goal of this date is to escalate sexual tension.
  • Third date: The third date is where you can go all out with the nice intimate dinner. The goal of this date is to figure out if the two of you are a good fit as far as morals and values go. Physical intimacy often occurs during this date.

The best day of the week to schedule dates is Saturday, followed closely by Wednesdays and Thursdays. Sundays and Mondays are the worst days because people are in work mode and that mindset can kill the mood.

For first and second dates, try to schedule something between 11 am and 2 pm. I also recommend having something scheduled with friends after a daytime date so you can easily cut it off at that one-hour point without being awkward. And, hey, if things are going really well on the first date, invite her along with you and BOOM! Instant second date!

Tip #2: Craft Compelling Date Ideas Based on Shared Interests

Whether you’re asking a girl out using online dating apps, speed dating events, or through friends, it’s a good idea to find out what shared interests you have. This will help you craft compelling date ideas that you both will enjoy. And when you have Asperger’s, it helps the flow of conversation when you both share in common something that you’re passionate about.

Another way to make a date idea compelling is by using a TDL. A TDL is an acronym we here at EmLovz use to refer to a date’s call-to-action. It stands for Time, Date, and Location.

Using a TDL makes it more likely for a woman to say “yes” to going out with you. Women consider it chivalrous when men make a solid plan. Demonstrating leadership in this way, makes you stand out from other guys. If everyone else is simply asking girls to “hang out” or “grab a drink sometime,” you’ll be more competitive because you have a compelling date plan.

Here’s an example of a great TDL:

“Hey, Melissa. I know that you and I both have an interest in marine biology and animals. There’s a rare leopard shark exhibit that’s happening at the California Academy of Sciences. How would you like to go check it out with me this Saturday at 1 pm, date-style?”

In this case, you’re offering her a brand-new experience based on shared interest, and she doesn’t have to wonder about where and when you guys should meet. This almost guarantees she’ll be interested and provides a compelling opportunity for both of you!

Tip #3: Maintain Eye Contact and Listen

When you’re dating with Asperger’s, eye contact may be difficult, but dates are a great way to practice good eye contact and listening skills.

Eye contact is important during a date because it lets women know that you are engaged with them. Listening can also be difficult for people with Asperger’s, as they sometimes end up wanting to talk a lot about their passions or get caught up in one-sided dialogue. Make sure that you’re taking time to listen to her. Be sure to ask about her interests and remember what she says. This will allow you to build rapport and can also take some of the pressure off of you during the date.

Tip #4: Don’t Get Clingy

When you’re dating with Asperger’s and you meet a girl you really like, it’s understandable that you’ll want to talk to her a lot and see her again as soon as possible. But sending a girl a bunch of texts or chasing after her can be overwhelming and turn her off. To make sure you don’t come off like a stage 5 clinger:

  • Spend time with friends during days you don’t see her.
  • Give her 24 hours to respond to a text from you before following up.
  • Be creative during your alone time.

One of the best ways to avoid clinginess is by MegaDating, which brings me to my fourth tip.

Tip #5: MegaDate

MegaDating is a dating process that involves going out on dates with more than one person at a time in order to diffuse energy and keep your social calendar full. During my 100-date experiment, I used MegaDating to find a fulfilling, long-term relationship. It worked for me and it can work for you too!

MegaDating lessens the pain of rejection — which is an important part of dating — because you’ll be hanging out with more than one person at once, as opposed to getting infatuated with one girl you don’t know that well yet.

This dating strategy also increases confidence and makes you better at dating in general. Practice makes perfect, after all.

Tip #6: Disclose Your Asperger’s Early On

When dating with Asperger’s, it’s best to disclose your Asperger’s early on. Remember, you have nothing to be ashamed of. Vulnerability is power. Let her know about the challenges you’ve faced. Dating with Asperger’s is difficult and sharing your story will help her relate to you. Sharing emotional challenges helps to build a deeper connection. Allowing yourself to open up will make it easier over time. If she has an issue with dating you because of your Asperger’s, then she sucks. That’s on her, not on you. Bye Felicia!

Tip #7: Don’t Sell Yourself Short

“Don’t sell yourself short just because you have a diagnosis, suspect or self-identify that you might be on the autism spectrum. Know that you have a lot to offer as someone who is honest, kind and intelligent. Most women love a man with a soft heart, so don’t be afraid to show your sweet side.”

-Recommendation by Eva Mendes, an Asperger’s and Autism specialist, and the author of the bestselling book, Marriage and Lasting Relationships with Asperger’s Syndrome.

Tip #8: If You Have Anger Issues or Are Prone to Meltdowns

“Please start therapy for these issues and also seek the counsel of a good psychiatrist. Psychiatrists can help with medications for irritability and frequent explosions. I often see couples when they’re already a few years into the relationship. Often, the damage that has been done due to the aspie’s meltdowns is considerable.”

-Recommendation by Eva Mendes, an Asperger’s and Autism specialist, and the author of the bestselling book, Marriage and Lasting Relationships with Asperger’s Syndrome.

Tip #9: Know What You Want in Your Life Partner

“Make a shortlist of 5 to 10 non-negotiable traits in your partner. But, know to also let go of unrealistic expectations. Many folks with Aspergers can have unrealistic expectations due to their high standards for a mate.”

-Recommendation by Eva Mendes, an Asperger’s and Autism specialist, and the author of the bestselling book, Marriage and Lasting Relationships with Asperger’s Syndrome.

Tip #10: Cultivate The Qualities You Seek

“Cultivate the same qualities that you’re looking for in a partner/spouse, as like attracts like. Oftentimes folks with Aspergers can be unknowingly rude and can ruminate over the past and especially over negative things.

If you’re unintentionally rude and always dwell on the negative, chances are you’ll attract a partner similar to you. On the other hand, the kind-positive partner will have to do a lot of work to maintain a positive-upbeat relationship. This type of situation can be very exhausting and unsustainable.”

-Recommendation by Eva Mendes, an Asperger’s and Autism specialist, and the author of the bestselling book, Marriage and Lasting Relationships with Asperger’s Syndrome.

Tip #11: Relationships Help Us Grow and Live Happy Lives

“Our relationships are meant to help us grow and become even happier and more fulfilled as human beings than before! Dating is like signing up for a growth and self-transformation mission, which is basically what all relationships are!

Even if a date doesn’t work out, rather than get too disappointed, focus on what you learned from your experience. Those who are happy in relationships are flexible, open to change, and feedback. They continually challenge themselves to grow along with their partners.”

-Recommendation by Eva Mendes, an Asperger’s and Autism specialist, and the author of the bestselling book, Marriage and Lasting Relationships with Asperger’s Syndrome.

Enlist The Help Of An Expert

If you need help navigating your way through conversations around dating with Asperger’s, consider setting up an appointment with a counselor, like Eva Mendes, or dating coach like me. Eva Mendes is a pro and I’ve also helped men throughout the world find long-term, fulfilling relationships. 

Check out Eva’s site or head over to my calendar and book a 1-on-1 Skype session with me today! We’ll discuss your dating roadblocks, diagnose your relationship history, and create an action plan to help you crush your goals. We’ll also determine if my 3-month coaching program could be right for you.