Ever find yourself micro-analyzing your messages to women? Do you think, “Oh shit, did I lose her because I said ___ (fill in the blank)?” If so, then ask yourself one more thing: “Why do I put her on a pedestal?”

Putting women on a pedestal means you lack confidence. That also kills your attractiveness — and I’m saying this as a woman. I’ve seen tons of guys torture themselves with self-doubt, wondering if they’re too boring, not funny enough, or any number of other things. They let their insecurity take over when they approach women. It’s heartbreaking to see. If you don’t know why you put women on a pedestal, keep reading.

Here’s the Reason You’re Putting Her on a Pedestal

It’s because your social conditioning has made you spineless. I know, right?

We’re just going to pull the Band-Aid off real quick here. Don’t worry, though — it happens to all well-adjusted adult humans. Congrats! This also probably means you’re gainfully employed and well-liked by others.

But it doesn’t help you get the girl of your dreams. That’s because you’ve likely been conditioned to become a people pleaser who doesn’t express their opinions.

Being a people pleaser has made you overly agreeable and vapid. This makes her feel like she can do no wrong. Why? Because if you have zero opinion and agree with everything she says, you subconsciously give her the message that she’s more valuable than you. She then perceives you to be low value and uninteresting. This is what it means to put her on a pedestal. Of course, you didn’t intend any of this.

Bottom line, a woman wants a man who can challenge her. She wants someone who isn’t afraid to have a strong opinion. It’s sexy to know what you stand for and not apologize for it. It’s also super hot to not give a shit about validation. Whenever I meet someone like this, they’re always magnetically attractive. I haven’t personally mastered this concept yet, but there are ways to get there.

How to Stop Putting Her on a Pedestal

OK, so now that you know what went wrong, how do you take it back? How do you stop putting her on a pedestal?

First, Identify the Root Cause

I absolutely love the 7 Levels Deep Why Exercise. It’s a way to probe your mind and heart for answers to hard questions, and works really well if you wonder “Why do I put her on a pedestal?”

You start by asking yourself some version of the question, “Why am I feeling this way?” Then depending on what your answer is, you ask another “why” question to help clarify it. The goal is to do this seven times in order to uncover deeper layers of truth.

So let’s imagine you just messaged a woman on a dating app and are now second-guessing yourself. Here’s how you might use this exercise to reveal hidden insights:

1. Why am I feeling anxious about this girl? I wanted her to reply.

2. Why did I want her to reply? Because it would make me feel better about myself.

3. Why will it make me feel better about myself if she replies? Because it’s important that the women I’m attracted to find me engaging.

4. Why is it important that the woman you feel most attracted to finds you engaging? Because it’s important to not be perceived as boring to her.

5. Why is it important that I not be perceived as boring by her? Because being boring means I won’t find someone I’m attracted to.

6. Why are you afraid that being boring means you won’t find someone you’re attracted to? I don’t know.

7. Do you believe you’re boring? (No.) Then why would you perceive that other people would perceive you as boring?

At this point, we’ve gotten to the root cause. Maybe you totally open up and say something like this: My fears make me play it safe and not be true to myself in conversation. Because I’m so tightly wound, I don’t feel free to be myself. I avoid controversy so I don’t express myself fully or authentically. I don’t think I’m boring, but my anxiety around my social skills makes me hide who I really am — so that person might be perceived as boring. Also, I feel the need to be so PC that I don’t have an opinion. And because of past relationships that didn’t go the way I wanted, I also avoid showing people who I really am. Honestly, I feel that if I get her approval, it will validate me. I’ve put her on a pedestal… but wish I could get back on her level.

Ahhh. Now, doesn’t that feel better?

Stop Being So PC

Obviously, the next step is to just stop seeking approval. It’s not worth it. Think about all the time you’ve put into messaging women or taking them out on dates, only to secretly feel bad about yourself. You deserve way better than that. But to change things up, you have to do something different.

So, here’s an idea. Try to piss people off intentionally, especially in a dating context. Do this mildly at first. Add something to your profile that’s pretty harmless but that you still hesitate to say publicly. It could be just “I hate mushrooms” or something else you have a strong opinion about. Just put it up there, without censoring yourself.

Then sit back and see what happens. It’ll probably be nothing. Then, sit with that. What does it feel like to not hide your opinion? Could you add some other things? Keep adding true statements and build your profile up to where it sounds like you and not something out of a book. People might even appreciate it. There could be a mushroom-hating babe out there right now who’s totally turned on.

Then, take it up a notch. Disagree with one new person every day for a week (or three). When you notice a fear of confrontation, flip the script and go out searching for it. Have you ever seen Fight Club? Remember when they go out looking to get into fights with strangers? The same rule applies here.

So, go out and intentionally try to create a disagreement with a stranger. Your goal is to practice having a strong opinion rather than falling back into your people-pleaser who just goes along with what everyone else wants. In doing this, you naturally learn how to stop being so damned agreeable, which will help you to not put her on a pedestal by agreeing with everything she says because you’re afraid she won’t like you.

Leverage What Makes You Comfortable

Is there anywhere in your life where you get to just be “you?” This could be with certain people or in a particular kind of place or circumstance. Maybe it’s with your sister or another close family member.

Now ask yourself, how can you leverage those times when you feel most authentic and use them in dating? Well, perhaps you can go to places that you naturally feel very comfortable. A baseball game or an afternoon watching your favorite band might make you feel more naturally excited to share with the person you’re with. Or maybe you can call that close family member and get into a conversation before your dates to “warm up” and put yourself in the right frame of mind.

You might be a pushover and put women on a pedestal, but most likely you’re not like that all the time. So get creative and find a way to let women see that confident version of you. It may take some special arrangements but it’s worth the effort.

Ask for Something You Want Every Day

People pleasers — the same dudes who end up asking, “Why do I put her on a pedestal?” — often have learned to not ask for what they want. They go with the flow, blend in, and don’t make waves. But you don’t want to be that guy. That guy is not desired by amazing, high-quality women.

So, to develop your sense of self-worth, which will naturally stop you from putting her on a pedestal, you need to start asking for what you want. You need to build up that muscle. You’re just out of practice.

I suggest you try this: Every day, for a week or more, practice asking for something that you want, even if it’s not listed on a menu or something that is regularly done. Yep. I’m saying, insist on a table by the window, send those cold eggs back, and make sure that the guy washing your car really makes those rims shine. Be THAT dude.

Yeah, it’s scary, but you could also look at it as an experiment. Do it with people you know you’ll never see again, and see how it goes. Feel what it’s like to be the “asshole” in the room (who to everyone else is probably just alpha).

Practicing asking for what you want will help you achieve a few things. First, it helps you to actually get what you want. Second, it shows others (including women you’re interested in) that you’re a valuable guy who knows what he wants and goes after it. This makes you super sexy.

Use These Concepts in Your Messaging

There’s no place like a dating app to practice not being a people pleaser. You don’t know anyone personally there so you can “try on” different ways of being to see how people respond. You can try all these exercises in your messages on the apps — saying something opinionated, leveraging something that makes you feel comfortable, and asking for what you want.

“But I want to be myself!” you might say. OK fine, but is that people pleaser really you? I’m guessing not. So you’re already setting yourself up to be inauthentic anyway. What do you have to lose by telling the truth a little?

Come on, I dare you. See what happens when you intentionally disagree with someone. OK, don’t be a dick, or you’ll likely get banned. But don’t be the guy who agrees with everything she says.

Just look for things on her profile that you disagree with. For example, “Elton John is your favorite musician of all time? Seriously?!” Or when you see she loves deep-dish pizza on her profile, just tell it like it is: “Thin crust pizza is not pizza.” Practice stating your opposing opinion with some backbone.

This also has the unintended consequence of being playful by teasing her. And this is a good thing because research says women love guys with a sense of humor.

You also might try asking her for what you want by being direct and inviting her to join you for a date. Of course, you should do this with a TDL — give her the time, date, and location in your date proposal so you get a definite yes or no from her.

“Why Do I Put Her on a Pedestal?” Wrap-Up

Being nice is always a good quality but there are limits. If you’re too nice, you end up putting women on a pedestal and end up feeling bad about it — or even get taken advantage of.

So if you think you’re a people pleaser, do yourself a favor and try to break the pattern. Changing a habit or your way of thinking isn’t always easy, but it could push your dating life in a whole new direction. Imagine the types of women you could be missing out on because they don’t resonate with your vibe right now. You could turn it all around with this one decision.

Do you want to develop more confidence in dating? Are you willing to take a bold step? The team at emlovz can help. We provide one-on-one date coaching and matchmaking services that can help you understand what’s not working in your dating life and how to fix it. Reach out today and schedule an intro call to see if our Signature program could be right for you.