Lately, I’ve been thinking about the whole “alpha male vs beta male” thing. And while I’m generally not a fan of PUA (pick up artist) theory, I do understand the idea of alpha males and why they’re more attractive.

I’ll use my recent relationship as an example. My boyfriend of eight years and I started running into some problems and even separated at one point in order to sort our feelings out. A lot of the struggle stemmed from my boyfriend dealing with a few major family crises last year (deaths and heart attacks in his immediate family). It really killed his mojo, confidence, and swagger. 

His sadness suddenly made him distant, which temporarily made me lose my attraction to him. Even worse, he seemed to compensate for it by working all the time. It felt like he wasn’t emotionally available enough to communicate about what was hurting him. 

He recently healed his pain and got his swagger back (thank god). In a sense, he lost his “alpha” — or masculinity — that I was so attracted to. But then he reclaimed it. 

This reminds me of the Neil Strauss book, The Game, where he categorized himself  as a beta turned alpha male. Along the same lines, one study even found a part of the brain that created an “alpha”-like state in timid mice.

When it was activated, these mice beat all the others by displaying more drive and perseverance. So can a man really become an “alpha male” if he works hard enough on his game? Seems like the answer is yes.

In this article, I’ll define the alpha male vs beta male. Then, I’ll give specific behavior examples of how they differ, along with advice on how to cultivate your alpha tendencies.

Alpha Male Definition

Google “what is an alpha male” and you’ll basically come across the idea that an alpha male is the most dominant male in a group, such as a social or work interaction. He is the leader. 

While that’s true, I still have to tip my hat to Knowledge for Men for the best alpha male definition I’ve seen:

“Being an alpha male is all about being the alpha of your own life. It’s about leading yourself and those you care about to a bigger and better future. It’s about knowing your values, being in integrity with yourself, and dominating your unique path in life. Do you know what you value and live by it every day? Do you have a vision that is bigger than yourself and that you are actively working to bring into reality? Do you set firm boundaries in your life, stand up for yourself, and prioritize your own well-being while still acting kind, compassionate, and respectful to the needs of others? Then congratulations. You are exuding alpha behaviors.”

That’s it right there. An alpha male leads himself first. All his best qualities stem from that. And honestly, the idea that you need to compete with other men at all is what keeps you insecure. Constantly comparing yourself to others takes you off your own game. You’re less likely to be successful if you’re not focused.

Having a sense of confidence — without a need to denigrate others — and an unstoppable drive toward your own goals is what makes a true alpha male.

Beta Male Definition 

By contrast, the beta male definition would be a guy who tends to follow the group. He submits to the opinions and direction of others. 

Because betas are living their lives this way, they’re typically less happy. Beta males can be passive-aggressive, jealous, clingy, impatient, demanding, and in the worst cases, even violent. Again, beta guys — unlike alpha guys — don’t take charge of their own lives, so when things aren’t easy, they sulk or throw a tantrum instead of confidently driving toward a result.

Why Do I Prefer an Alpha Male? 

From what you read above, the reason might be obvious. Doesn’t everyone want to be with someone who’s confident enough to create their own happiness and not depend on outside approval to feel good about himself? Yep.

But there’s more. I also want to know the man I’m with can protect me. This is an evolutionary tendency that women may not even realize they have, but they do.

Back in our history as a species, men who could physically make a woman feel safe and protect the family from threats were more useful (and therefore attractive) to women. Today, we may not need that as much, but we’re still wired to feel attracted to “alphas.”

That said, I love leaders. I like guys who know what they want and are moving towards achieving it. 

Alpha Males vs Beta Males: A Comparison

When it comes to how men operate in the world, there’s a huge difference between alpha males vs beta males. Here’s a look at some specifics of how alphas and betas present themselves, especially to women.

How They Act on Dates

Women love alpha guys who can lead them on a date. This means several things:

Giving her a TDL (time, date, and location) for the date. 

While a beta male might try to ask her out by simply saying, “let me know when you’re free,” an alpha will communicate a definite plan that requires a yes or no.

If a woman has to play alpha on a date, that means she’s deciding where they go, what they do and when, she’s splitting the bill, and she’s demonstrating leadership.

When this happens, the woman’s view of the beta male shifts to feeling sorry for him and becoming disinterested because she knows deep down that he cannot protect her and would not be able to protect her children.

Bouncing to new locations while on a date.

Knowing some cool places near your original date location that you can check out afterward will make things interesting for her. She’ll also feel like you’re leading things.

Making the first move with a kiss.

Once you notice she’s attracted to you (she’ll let you know either verbally or through her body language) an alpha will go in for the kiss. A beta guy might not pick up on her flirtation signals and miss the boat entirely.

Besides leading, an alpha male will also show his confidence by giving his date strong (but not creepy!) eye contact. He’ll stand up to greet her and will have a strong tone of voice.

When she asks him questions, he’ll be decisive and truthful, and if he’s interested in her, he’ll set up the next date before ending the current one by walking her to her car or Uber.

Their Body Language

Alpha male vs beta male body language is pretty obvious. First of all, an alpha male takes up space. He sits with his legs apart and might even lean forward a little, while a beta guy will sit with his legs crossed, arms folded, or in an otherwise “closed” manner. The more space a guy takes up physically, the more confidence he displays — hence the alpha’s open body language.

An alpha guy also has great posture and takes care of his body, while a beta guy might look less confident and less fit. Finally, an alpha guy will use light physical touch and hand gestures in his communication, while a beta won’t necessarily feel as comfortable doing that.

Ways They Communicate (If Not in Person)

Alpha guys have more confidence than beta guys, which makes them communicate differently even when they’re not with a woman in person.

An alpha guy isn’t going to be afraid of the phone. In fact, he’s so confident in his conversational skills that he’d rather just speak to a woman than text her.

When he texts, he only does it for practical reasons — to send her a TDL or to confirm a date, for example. If he has more to say, he’ll call her. On the other hand, a beta guy will rely on texting and may even be more expressive over text than he is in person.

Back to the alpha guy: When it comes to calling, he does have limits, though. Above all else, he prefers in-person communication. 

He also maintains a sense of mystery by not telling a woman everything about himself in the first five minutes. He’s accomplished, but he doesn’t overwhelm her with details of his success. He lets those things come out naturally over the course of a few dates, so she has a chance to really get excited about him as things unfold.

On the other hand, the beta guy — afraid he might not see her again unless he puts all his cards on the table — will bore his date by talking incessantly about himself. Or, he might be insecure and play it off with sarcasm or by criticizing other people.

A beta guy will apologize (“sorry to text you so late”) and will use passive language (lots of shoulds/woulds/coulds). He’ll say things like, “we should hang out sometime” or “let me know when you’re free.” He’s not sure of himself when he speaks with women — while alpha guys never apologize and are always direct.

Their Confidence Level

Again, the difference between an alpha male vs beta male is confidence. There so many more ways to demonstrate how a confident man acts compared to an insecure one, but I’ll highlight just a few more. An alpha male will always:

Overcome objections.

He’s not fazed when a woman says no to a date. He simply listens to her reasoning (maybe the location doesn’t work for her, she’s “too busy,” or she gives him the “I have a boyfriend excuse.”). Then, he tweaks his TDL and tries again.

Live in abundance.

There are always more women to date. An alpha guy knows this, so he is MegaDating. He’s not obsessed with “making things work” with a certain woman because he has cultivated a rich dating life that gives him many options.

Know when it’s time to end a relationship.

An alpha male isn’t afraid to walk away. His self-worth doesn’t depend on a woman or anything external, really. He knows where he’s going in life and if a woman wants to go along for the ride, great. If not, he’s still satisfied with who he is.

Never accept the first, or second “no.”

If a woman rejects him for a date, he’ll try (at minimum) three times before moving on — each time tweaking his proposal to make it more attractive for her. And, he always asks for what he wants.

Conclusion

So who wins the alpha male vs beta male debate? To be honest, there’s nothing more attractive than when a man is firmly rooted in his masculine energy.

It allows the woman to fully step into her feminine energy, creating a push-and-pull dynamic between the masculine and feminine. This is the exact definition of sexual tension. 

We all want a leader who persists through difficult events. We want a guy who doesn’t give up or stop trying when he hears “no.” This is also why women do so much testing subconsciously. We need to know we’ve selected a man that can keep us safe. That’s the alpha male. He’s the winner. That’s the guy we all want to be with. 

If you’re still thinking you need more guidance on how to step up your “alpha” game, feel free to book a session with me. I can give you one-on-one feedback on how your online profiles, dating strategies, and physical presence either signal “alpha” or “beta,” and give you customized tips on how to improve people’s first impression of you.

We can also determine if my 3 month Signature coaching program is right for you. Once you’re able to cross over into alpha territory, the sky’s the limit when it comes to your dating prospects!