When a girl uses the “I have a boyfriend” excuse, she’s trying to let you down easy.

An explicit rejection stings. When she uses the “I have a boyfriend” excuse she’s saying that even if she likes you, she can’t go out with you because she’s already spoken for. This doesn’t even feel like a rejection, because it isn’t.

If it’s true, she can’t even entertain the possibility of going out with you because she’s already in a committed relationship. Though true or not, receiving this pseudo rejection doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to wilt away. 

Most of the time you should suck up your pride and walk away, but not always. You don’t know at what stage her relationship is in. Perhaps it’s new and fragile, or old and stale.

Either way, pushing the envelope a little might just wiggle the relationship loose. Artfully prodding her is only recommended if you have feelings for this woman and feel as though there’s a genuine chance that her relationship might fail (or doesn’t even exist). 

Being a romantic gadfly might have been en vogue in the 50s, but in the 21st-century persistence isn’t always cute–sometimes it’s sexual harassment.

Know when to walk away. Use tact, humor, and never lose your cool or call her out as a liar. Become the man you think will win her over. If you still think there’s a chance after being given the “I have a boyfriend” excuse, use one or two of these gentlemanly lines to try to win her over. 

Examples of How to Overcome the “I Have a Boyfriend” Excuse

“Oh no, that’s a tragedy.”

Getting upset will only make her feel uncomfortable. Jokingly revealing feelings of disappointment and acceptance is endearing and non-threatening. 

“Wow, I’m so sad to hear that.”

Don’t actually shed a tear when you tell her this. Bring levity to the semi-awkward situation with this lighthearted comment. The delivery here is crucial. 

“Man, just when I’d found you.”

If said right, this should elicit a laugh. It’s an uplifting line that makes her feel special. You’re implying that she’s better than the rest and that you’ve been searching for her. This will pull at her heart strings. 

“Well thank god you’re not married or I’d really be in trouble.”

Not everyone can get away with saying this. If she’s into you, you’ll make her heart flutter. If she wants nothing to do with you, you’ll come off as a creep. It’s a cocky line that suggests that you’re not willing to capitulate on your pursuit that easily. If awkward laughing ensues, rein back your aggressive stance by telling her that it’s great she’s with someone, just not great for you. 

“How can that be? This must be some cruel joke. I find the woman of my dreams and she’s unavailable? You’re breaking my heart.” She says, “I’m sorry.” You say “that’s ok, you can make it up to me by buying me a coffee” and then launch into your TDL but make it for right then.

This one’s a bit pushy. Because of the insistent and slightly melodramatic appeal, you can’t ask her on a date-like TDL. Coffee or a platonic activity that she can easily say yes to are the only two “date” ideas you should be suggesting. 

“I’m crushed.”

This line is yet another way to appeal to her sympathy. In an attempt to not make you feel bummed out, she may give you her number or go out with you. But you don’t necessarily want to accept pity hangouts. Once she’s given you her number or agreed to meet up with you, make sure you knock the date out of the park (here’s some first date tips). Prove to her why you’re the man she should be with instead of her boyfriend.

“Oh no, you’re crushing my dreams.”  

Sure it sounds melodramatic because it is. But its lines like these that will make her laugh and reconsider hanging out with you. 

“Wow, I see… well, tell me you’re unhappy, tell me there’s a chance.” 

This is a tricky one. It’s likely that she’ll push back and talk about all the reasons she loves being in a relationship. But if she’s truly unhappy or dating a non-existent man, she’ll be more likely to open up to you emotionally.

“Wow, what a cruel twist of fate… tell you what. Come have a coffee with me. I won’t do anything out of line I promise. I just can’t let this opportunity pass me by without at least taking a few minutes to get to know you. It’s just a casual coffee with a new friend. No pressure. But what if we’re meant for each other and we never take the chance to see what it could be. I don’t want to die with regrets. Will you come with me, just for 5 minutes?” 

The key here is pitching her a fantasy and then giving her a timeframe. Asking this already spoken for woman to have dinner with you at a ritzy joint next Friday is out of the question. But grabbing a coffee and chatting for five minutes -well who can’t do that?

Mentioning that you respect her wishes will keep things respectful and platonic and will go a long way in easing her into that o so coveted, “sure, why not” response that you’re looking for. 

“Well, that’s disappointing. Do you think he’s the one? She says “I don’t know.” You say, “What if he’s not the one? Have coffee with me. Just for 5 minutes. I can’t let you get away, I’ve only just found you.” 

This is a slight variation on the prior message. What I love about the message is that it’s succinct and ends with a TDL. 

“It can’t be.”

Disbelief. As if you’ve been searching for her high and low for years and have finally found her. But low and behold she’s already been courted by the wrong man. Your authentic incredulous tone will make her think that maybe she has made the wrong decision and that you’re worth investing time into, at the very least you two can go grab a milkshake together.

“Well, that’s heartbreaking. How long have you been together?”

It’s difficult to transition after hearing the I have a boyfriend excuse. This response provides an easy transition. Instead of discussing why you’re bummed out, you respectfully guide the conversation towards her boyfriend. This indicates that you respect that she’s with someone.

What she doesn’t know is that as she’s chatting you up about her boyfriend you’re looking for holes in the relationship. Once she mentions how she’s been having issues with him or that the relationship isn’t that serious, that’s when you propose going for a walk so that you two can continue the conversation. 

“Well this is a tragedy… do you love him?” 

When she responds in the negative, jokingly suggests that you still have a chance. No need to convince her to leave her boyfriend on the spot. The combination of the realization that she’s not in the perfect relationship and that there are eligible men out there such as yourself that are willing to date her might convince her to hang out. 

“I don’t think we met by accident.” 

It’s cheesy, but some women are into dorky guys. After this line, proceed to compliment her on why you think she’s awesome and worth getting to know. Just don’t over-compliment or do it in a weird way. 

“We couldn’t have met by accident. I’m supposed to know you. Let’s get a coffee, just a quick 5 min coffee. We have to figure this out.” 

Everyone wants their romance to be a real-life fairytale. When you preface a TDL with this, who wouldn’t accept?

“Well then let’s be friends. Come have a coffee with me, as a new friend.” 

Reverse friend zone her. Put her at ease by accepting your new role as a friend. How quickly you decide to heat things up is your call. But adopting this role at first will allow her to open us to you and for you two to begin to create a bond. 

It Isn’t Disrespectful If You Lead With How You Feel

Just don’t tell her you feel sexually aroused and that she’s the only woman that can gratify you. That’s gross. Initially keep things sex-free and authentic. Don’t make her feel bad about her relationship or manipulate her into going on a pity date with you. Simply be honest and tell her that you don’t want to waste an opportunity to form a bond with someone you think is special.

Worst Case Scenario: You Flatter Her and She Stays With Her Boyfriend

It’s better than never having tried at all. If you genuinely have feelings for this woman, putting your heart on the line is nothing to be ashamed of, neither is striking out. It happens to everyone. 

Remember The Movie The Notebook

We don’t always want to take romantic pointers from Hollywood, but The Notebook is worth heeding. The first time Noah sees Allie is when she’s on a date. When she declines his offer to dance and instead opts for the Ferris wheel he jumps onto the ride and hangs from a bar until she promises to go on a date with him.

Hanging for your dear life until someone does what you want them to isn’t advisable. The lesson worth applying here is that just because she’s dating another guy doesn’t mean she wants to be. We often will stay with someone much longer than we should for fear that no one else is out there. This scarcity mindset can be combated by simply indicating your interest. 

Don’t Give Up Too Easily – Persistence Wins

There is a respectful way to indicate interest in the face of rejection. Saying that she has a boyfriend is one thing, telling you to fu*k off and never talk to her again is another. Give her space if need be, or do what Noah did and show her what she’s missing out on. Prove to her that you’re worth dating or at the very least grabbing a coffee with. 

For further help on this sub-topic, here’s another article I wrote on how to be persistent with women.

In Love, You Must Fight for What You Want Despite Rejection and Disappointment

Who is this woman to you? Is she a random person you met at a bar or a friend that you’ve developed strong feelings towards? I’m not encouraging stopping at anything until you have her, but if it’s love that you feel, backing down might not feel like an option.

Be true to your feelings and pursue her until you know you’ve made her uncomfortable. If you need help getting over her, try MegaDating. 

Why Should You Push?

There’s a reason you feel so strongly about her. Identify whether it’s your loneliness or the fact that she’s better than all the other women you’ve dated that makes you feel this way. If it’s the former then do everything within your power to get the girl, despite her attempt to deter you by giving you the “I have a boyfriend” excuse.

Luck = Preparation + Opportunity

Go through the motions before you find yourself in this position. Mentally rehearse what you would say and how she would react. Many a man has found themself in your shoes but hasn’t taken his chance because he wasn’t prepared. You can’t be sure whether she’s in an iffy relationship or not. The only variable you can control is your readiness. 

Conclusion

I won’t act like this isn’t a touchy subject. Annoying a woman with your persistence could not only ruin your chances with her but could be borderline harassment. Follow the aforementioned advice to a tee to avoid any unfortunate misunderstandings.

Being that this is a delicate subject, consulting with a professional would ensure that you court her with skill and respect. Book a 1-on-1 New Client Skype session with me to learn more about how respond to the “I have a boyfriend” excuse. We’ll also create an action plan for you and determine if my 3 month coaching program could help you reach your short and long term dating goals.