If I could give you the secret to being able to attract and keep a woman, it would be this: Be more emotionally available. That will always mean way more than what kind of car you drive or the size of your bank account.

Of course, things are never that simple. You can’t just “become” emotionally available if you’re really not. Still, it’s the key to finding quality relationships.

The problem is, you can’t fake it. Learning how to be more emotionally available to women first requires knowing your true feelings, having self-respect, and being willing to say what you want and need directly.

In other words, you first need to be emotionally available to yourself.

Then, the rest is easy. Once you get fully in touch with who you are as a man, then you can show a woman you’re emotionally available… in just seven steps.

7 Keys to Being Emotionally Available to Women

Discovering how to be more emotionally available to women can be the turning point in your dating life. Below, I’ll break down seven specific ways you can make that happen. Just keep an open mind and get ready to try something different.

1. Communicate (Especially When She Hurts You).

Did she post something on social media that made you feel crappy, jealous, or insecure? Did she say something in front of your family that embarrassed you, or not consider your feelings when she ditched your plans that day?

Lots of things might be going through your head. You might be angry and want to lash out. Talking to her is probably the last thing you want to do. Depending on what happened, you might even want to go get wasted or cheat on her if that’s a possibility. Feelings that go unexpressed can be that strong.

But before you do something you might regret, let me ask you something. Is that what you really want? Sure, maybe a few beers or some attention from another chick sounds pretty good right now. But what kind of person do you want to be? Are you choosing to do these things because that’s what you really want for yourself, or just because you are reacting to her?

If you’re just reacting, you’re not being strong. It means you are letting her dictate your behavior. Real confidence means you have the guts to tell her directly how you feel. So do this, in a calm, cool, collected manner.

Otherwise, if you can’t articulate what upset you, she won’t know. And if she doesn’t know, she can’t change anything or help resolve it.

2. Don’t Shut Down.

Lots of guys have such a problem with communicating that they completely shut down whenever a woman confronts or upsets them. Listen to me very carefully: This is the last thing you want to do. Shutting down means it’s game over and no one wins. You might get her to chase you a little, but ultimately it leads nowhere.

So what do I mean by shutting down? You might find yourself using a bunch of different “shutdown” tactics. See if anything on this list sounds familiar.

Characteristics of emotionally unavailable men:

• Walking away. This doesn’t make the issue go away. Instead, it makes it grow. Stay in the room and stand up for how you feel.
• Deflecting or switching topics. This is when you bring up something else to draw attention away from the sticky issue. Better to address it head-on.
• Not talking. If you’re using the silent treatment to make her guess what’s wrong, this rarely works. Silence as a way to end a conversation is bad, too.
• Blaming others. “I wouldn’t have even met that woman if Derek hadn’t wanted to stop at that party, and I was so drunk I didn’t even think about it!” Um, sorry, no.
• Blaming her. Telling her she’s “nagging you” when she wants to talk about a sensitive topic is a classic shutdown tactic that therapists (like this one in Psychology Today) have been arming women against for decades.

Bottom line, shutting down makes it impossible for her to understand what’s happening for you emotionally, which means nothing can change for the better.

3. Tell Her Exactly What’s Going on With You.

If you had a rough day at work or something is going on in your family, be honest and open with her about what’s happening. Don’t assume that she knows what’s going on, or that she’ll be able to “tell.” (Can you tell exactly what’s wrong with her when she’s in a bad mood? Didn’t think so.)

If you don’t give her a heads up on what you’re going through, then she might “fill in the blanks” … often with something wildly off-base or negative. She could take your distant behavior personally, for example, thinking it’s all because of her. Once that happens, she could come up with any number of theories and get totally worked up over them. Then, you’d have to deal with that!

Psychologists often call this giving someone a “runway”: letting someone know proactively what your emotional state is and why. That way, they’re not surprised by your behavior or making up reasons for it.

On the other hand, maybe you know this. Does part of you want her to assume the worst when you’re acting a little “off?” Perhaps you want her to think that you’re cheating, or that you might leave the relationship as a way to keep her insecure. Just know that this is manipulation, and people can always feel that on some level. Eventually, it backfires.

4. Ask Vulnerable Questions.

Asking vulnerable questions like, “what does sex mean to you?” or “what’s the most traumatic experience you had as a child?” opens you both up to more honest, authentic, and deep conversations.

Vulnerable questions allow you to go deep emotionally and show her that you’re not afraid to dig into the emotional side of life. This establishes trust. She will see that you’re not afraid to be honest. And, she’ll also trust that when she expresses herself honestly, you won’t attack or make fun of her. You’re setting up a mutual agreement that you will both share how you feel.

I say it’s never too early to ask questions to establish trust and rapport with someone. You can even do this starting on the first date. Here’s a list of questions you can ask on the first few dates to get the conversation flowing and communicate that you’re emotionally available.

• What’s your favorite childhood memory?
• What would be a “perfect day” for you?
• What’s your biggest pet peeve?
• What’s your spirit animal?
• What are you most afraid of?
• Who’s in your “top five?”
• What’s your guiltiest pleasure?
• What are you grateful for?

5. Check In With Her About How She’s Feeling.

Part of being emotionally available to a woman means staying attuned to how she’s feeling in the moment. So make it a habit to pay attention to how she’s acting. If you see that she may not be feeling so great, don’t be afraid to ask (again, nobody’s a mind reader!).

For instance, you might try something like, “how are you feeling about this party right now?” if she seems a bit timid around your friends or family. This shows her that you’re emotionally attuned to her feelings, which is super sexy.

And be sure to share how you’re feeling in the moment, too. The two of you could commiserate over how bored you are, or how awkward you’re feeling, which will make you feel closer. She’ll love the fact that you don’t expect her to be perfect and instead allow her to be herself.

Of course, you might instinctively want to avoid all this. You might be attuned to show she’s feeling but not want to bring it up because you’re afraid of confrontation. But this is the real test. Being emotionally available means not only communicating when it’s hard but being able to hear the hard stuff from her as well. Do not let your fear of her anger (or sadness, etc.) shake your confidence.

6. Show That You Understand Her.

Saying “I understand” to anyone is powerful. We all want to be heard and understood. It’s a primal need.

Saying you understand her doesn’t mean you like what she’s saying or even that you agree. It just means you understand how she could be feeling that way. It could also suggest that you’ve been there before and can relate.

To make someone feel understood, you need to listen and remember what they’ve said. Sometimes in dating, this can be a challenge — especially when you’re MegaDating and have met tons of women in a short period of time!

I recommend using a voice recorder app (like voice memos on iPhone) to record your feelings and impressions after each date.

Then listen to the recording again later so you can refer back to certain things she said in the future.

You could also use the “mirror technique” where you paraphrase what she says back to her right afterward. Like if she says she kind of felt weird when you didn’t call to confirm the date, you could say, “it sounds like you started to worry… maybe you weren’t really sure whether it was okay to reach out to me” and see if it’s correct. You could be wrong, but even if you are, this creates trust.

Showing her you listen and remember what she says sends a clear message that you understand and care about her — a rare experience in our fast-paced modern life.

7. Express Your Wants and Needs.

Don’t be afraid to directly tell her what you expect from the relationship, what you need from her, and what you want for the future.

If she doesn’t know what you want and need, she can’t give it to you. And you want things to move forward, right?

Plus, expressing your wants and needs gives her permission to communicate hers with you. It starts a genuine conversation rather than a guessing game. Lots of times, women don’t state what they want directly because they’re not sure how a man will react. So if you model how you want the communication to go — a huge sign of being emotional availability — then you’ll get much better results.

But here’s the catch: To express your desires, you have to know what you really want. I’m not talking about what you think will make you happy, but what your soul truly wants. Do some work on yourself so that you don’t just ask for superficial signs of affection or things to stroke your ego. That type of stuff won’t last because it’s not fulfilling.

Are You Ready to Become Emotionally Available?

Figuring out how to be more emotionally available to women is one thing, but being able to act on it is another. Are you truly ready?

To help answer that, you could look at the quality of your past relationships. Often, this is a good reflection of where you’re at emotionally. If your past girlfriends were somewhat superficial, unfaithful, or unavailable in some way, then maybe you chose them because you weren’t ready to commit emotionally yourself.

Doing this kind of work isn’t for the faint of heart. But once you truly know yourself and decide to share your heart with others, you can find a high-quality relationship much more easily. To find the perfect woman, you need to first become the kind of man she’ll fall for. It takes some soul searching, but it’s well worth doing.

And once you make this decision, I’m here for you! Becoming emotionally available to women doesn’t happen overnight, but it goes more smoothly when you have support. After we set up an intro Zoom call to chat about your situation, we’ll decide whether one-on-one coaching or my group program with likeminded guys like yourself can get you closer to your dating goals.