Of all the questions you might have about dating, “Why can’t I get a second date?” is probably one of the most frustrating.

No doubt, you’re attractive enough to get women. (They wouldn’t be saying yes to first dates if you weren’t!) Still, something weird is happening, because your dates are usually one-and-done.

So what’s up with that? Well, I have some ideas. I see my clients make a lot of the same mistakes on first dates that totally ruin their chances of a second one. I’m going to lay them out for you here.

Reasons Why You Can’t Get to the Second Date

Here’s some things you can do to improve your next first date — and increase your chances for a second date.

You’re Using Dating App Photos from 5 Years Ago

When was the last time you changed your profile photos?

If you’ve been using dating apps for a long time, it’s easy to forget that your photos are old. You might even think you can skate by with the exact same profile you put up five years ago. Wrong.

Your dating profile isn’t a “set it and forget it” type of thing. You need to keep it current. Why? Because a woman can always tell when you show up looking way older than your photos. It’s false advertising that leaves her feeling lied to. Once that happens, you’ll never be able to win her trust — or a second date.

Instead, take my advice and review your photos regularly. Make sure they’re no more than a couple of years old. Include shots where you’re smiling (yes, we do like nice guys) and ones that make you look active and well-traveled. These are the type of photos you can use as conversation starters, and they’ll make you seem more interesting. Oh, and a cute dog never hurts, either.

And, while we’re at it: Avoid selfies (so vain!), sunglasses (otherwise we won’t trust you), and any ugly photos you were debating on. In fact, if you need help, ask a female friend… or your friendly neighborhood dating coach.

You’re Doing More Talking than Listening on the Date

Maybe on a first date, you feel like you need to convince her why you’re such a great catch. So you go into sales mode… and forget that it’s supposed to be a conversation. How much did you let her talk?

Talking too much can kill a woman’s interest in going out with you again. So instead, follow the 80/20 rule: Ask interesting questions that get her talking 80% of the time, while you talk 20% of the time.

Ironic? You betcha, but it works. Women’s brains, in particular, are much more verbally inclined. We feel good when we talk things out, share with friends, and discuss challenges we’re facing.

Men’s brains are much more visual, so talking a lot is less common for guys and doesn’t add as much value to their lives as it does (generally speaking) to women.

It also works in all areas of life, not just in dating. Most people will feel as though you’re a good communicator if they spend more time talking.

You’re Not Asking the Right First Date Questions

Obviously, if you’re going to get her talking 80% of the time, you’ll need to ask her some good questions. My advice here is: Always ask questions you actually want to know the answer to.

Do not fill the space with superficial conversation! That’s boring — you’ll be bored, she’ll be bored, and your budding relationship will fizzle.

Some interesting questions to ask her might be:

• What’s your favorite childhood memory? (Or, favorite anything. Like favorite food, movie, author, etc.)
• What was the last show you binged? (Or, the last song you played on Spotify?)
• What hobbies would you be into if you had more time and money?
• What’s your #1 bucket list travel destination?

Questions like these can get her talking about things she loves. This creates a good vibe that she’ll attribute to you.

Fair warning though, once again: If the answers to these questions don’t interest you, and you can’t think of anything else you’d want to know about her, she might not be a good match.

Your First Dates Are Overkill

Listen to me carefully on this one. Things like expensive dinners, the opera, etc. on a first date are way too much. Generally speaking, spending too much time or money on a first date lowers your perceived value.

When you make your time and money easy to get, it means you’re easy to get and hence, low-value.

Everyone wants what is rare and hard-to-get. We all want to feel as though we’ve won someone over who is out of our league. No one wants the guy who is too available or too interested. Limit your time and money on first dates or you’ll just be the sucker that attracts golddiggers or high maintenance women short-term. Not a good look.

Do you know how much I recommend you spend on a first date?

Ten bucks, max. (And yes, I live in a major metropolitan city, so I know how little that is!) It’s enough for two happy hour drinks, a couple of coffees, two yogurts at that quaint shop in your neighborhood… you get the idea.

The reason is that first dates (as you likely well know) often don’t work out. So it’s silly to over-invest before you know if the two of you have a real connection.

That being said, do make sure you pay. Even though the bill is small, you need to make that gesture so you don’t come across as cheap compared to other guys she goes out with.

Your First Dates Are Much Longer Than One Hour

Do you spend more than an hour in the same location on a first date? Big mistake. Stop doing this immediately, or you’ll be asking “why can’t I get a second date?” forever.

I know you feel, though. I hear my clients say things like, “But it was going so well,” or “The conversation was just flowing and I didn’t want to stop!” But I’ll tell you what I tell them: You’re blowing it if your first dates go on for more than an hour in the same location.

Any first date that’s longer than an hour just kills all of your mystery. By the time it’s over, you both would have found out every interesting thing there is to know about each other. And you know what?

When the mystery is gone, she’ll feel as if there is no reason to meet up with you again. Even though the conversation was flowing well and you felt you had a solid connection, chances are, she’s off banging some other dude who didn’t overshare or listen to her life story for three hours on the first date.

You have to maintain your mystery if you want to keep seeing her. If the date is going well, invite her to go somewhere else nearby. That will signal the beginning of the second date.

It’s very important not to stay stagnant in one location longer than an hour on the first date or you’ll wind up friend-zoned or ghosted.

You Got Dinner On A First Date

Not just any dinner but a fancy one.

Steak, a bottle of wine, and two whole hours of making small talk until you two had nothing more to talk about.

Avoid dinner on a first date at all costs.

But why?

It can be super difficult to make a connection when you two are forced to sit across from one another for hours on end. Even if you guys are compatible, the nerves might get to you as you try to figure out a way to connect.

Dinner dates are also cliche, vapid, and make her think you’re low-value.

Spice things up by going on an active and unconventional first date that gets you two moving. Active first dates will mean you’ll have an activity to revolve the date around so the conversation never gets stale. It also helps avoid boring first-date questions and topics.

You’re Not Using My TDL Strategy

Too many guys are wishy-washy when they ask a woman out, and it makes me want to shake them. You want to know why you can’t get a second date? To begin with, NEVER ask her:

“When can I see again?”

or:

“What does your schedule looks like next week?”

Questions like these are way too vague. When you ask for that second date, women want you to lead that interaction. So here’s how you do it:

You ask for the second date while still on the first date. Your idea for the second date should be something she’s already said she’s interested in. Then, all you do is give her a TDL (time, date, location) for when you guys should go do that thing.

Now, if you were to say, “Let’s do this again. What’s your schedule like next week?” it automatically pushes her into her masculine energy and you into your feminine energy.

That means you’re asking her to lead the planning of the second date, which she does not want to do. She’ll have to look at her calendar, find a few options, and then give them to you so that you can suggest a date that she doesn’t even know whether she wants to go on!

So to avoid all that, she’ll probably just say, “Let me check and get back to you.” But she won’t get back to you though because she doesn’t want to get trapped into committing to a nondescript date that might suck. So then she’ll ghost you or continue pushing you off until the conversation inevitably fizzles.

However, when you propose an idea that she already mentioned during your date, then you have her buy-in because technically the date idea was hers in the first place. All you did was just hammer down her commitment with a TDL.

So here’s what it looks like in action:

Let’s say on the date, you both are standing on the beach watching kite-boarders zoom across the bay. She says, “I’ve always wanted to try kite surfing but have been too afraid to try.”

The smart lad that you are jumps on the opportunity because you recognize that she’s compelled by this idea. So you say, “I’ve always wanted to try it too. Let’s go this Saturday! I think they have classes on the beach at 11 a.m.”

Now you’ve demonstrated leadership by actualizing an activity that she expressed interest in doing. She’s likely to say “yes” and then actually show up because:

• a) it was her idea and now she has someone to do it with
• b) you gave her all of the information she needed to tell you “yes” or “no”
• c) you made it incredibly easy to say “yes” because you made the plan actionable with a TDL, and
• d) you’re sexy because you know how to ask for what you want in a way that adds value to her life

Are You Drinking Too Much?

The first date went swimmingly.

You two laughed a ton, she made eyes at you the whole night, you shared a few drinks, and plans were made for a second date.

This is your narrative.

But is it possible the Amber beers you drank made you view the date through rose-colored goggles?

It’s easy to drink too much on a first date.

Your nervous, she’s nervous, and alcohol has a maternal-like way of calming the nerves.

But getting sloppy on a first date — or even being seen to overindulge — can be a major turn-off.

Women want to date a man that doesn’t need alcohol to be confident. We want someone that’s eloquent without using alcohol as a PED.

Pro Tip:

To avoid drinking too much kick off the date by ordering a non-alcoholic drink. Chances are you order that drink to settle the nerves. That being said after 10 minutes or so of chatting your nerves should organically settle, negating the need for a drink.

You’re Over Communicating After the First Date

Too many texts after a first date can instantly smother any sexual attraction between you. Be careful about how much you communicate in between dates!

I always tell guys one thing when it comes to texting: Always text with intent. Never send superficial messages without a rock-solid reason; otherwise, she’ll lose interest, leaving you wondering, “Why can’t I get a second date?”

Texting without intent sounds like this:

How’s it goin’?

Hey cutie

Happy Monday!

You might have noticed a lot of them start with H, which is why I call them H-factor messages. They’re the #1 killer of any good dating vibes.

Make sure you have a real reason to text her. For example, you can think of “texts with intent” as being transactional. If you didn’t set up plans for a second date, then wait three days from the first date and text her with a TDL for the second one.

Texts with intent also include messages that are designed to get an emotional response. You can use these strategies if you feel like she’s ignoring you after the first date.

So instead of sending her a boring H-factor message, say something like, ”Andrea, Andrea, Andrea. I feel like we’re drifting apart. ;)” It doesn’t sound clingy and yet it’s just pushy enough to compel her to write back.

Finally, keep this in mind: Most guys who are confident usually call instead of text. Being good at conversation and showing you’re not afraid to get on the phone is super sexy.

Why Can’t I Get a Second Date? Wrap-up:

Hopefully, you now have an idea of why you’re not getting second dates. A lot of times, your behavior is just a little off in one area. So, pay attention to the above strategies.

Implement them and watch things change for the better.

However, lasting, meaningful change takes time.

It takes practice, investment, and a willingness to learn.

It also requires access to the right information.

In my program, Dating Decoded we teach men the ins and outs of dating.

You’ll learn how to meet compatible women, the kind of dates you should go on, how to escalate sexual tension, the best way to ask them out, and much much more.

Our program’s philosophy revolves around the idea of MegaDating.

MegaDating is the dating practice of seeing multiple women at the same time. We’re proponents of MegaDating because it’s all about being proactive. You won’t meet your ideal partner by sitting at home. The only way to do so is by seeking her out.

You’re probably wondering how you’ll find so many women.

In our program, we teach men how to tap their social networks to find compatible women. You’ll learn to find women online, through friends, and via social groups.

To learn if our program is right for you schedule a 1-on-1 call today. 

During this session, we’ll discuss your dating history, your relationship goals, and see if we’re a match to work together.