Being shy can feel like a curse.

Why after millions of years of evolution have your genes picked the short straw of shyness.

Nowhere can being shy hurt you more than in a room full of people that appear to be giggling, bonding, and getting their vibe on. Meanwhile there you are staring into your cup and counting down the moments until you’re allowed to leave.

Being shy sucks.

But it’s not some immutable trait that you’re destined to die with.

The shy can become loud and rambunctious and the loud can become shy.

It’s fine if you don’t believe me right now.

Allow the following strategies to convince you that you, yes even you the person that enters into every social outing with a list of excuses to abort from the situation that even you can change your taciturn ways.

Of course, being shy is one thing, being shy while trying to get your flirt on adds another layer of complexity and anxiety to your social outing.

This article is all about how to overcome shyness at a party while trying to get the girl.

How To Overcome Shyness At A Party

These are a series of concrete steps you can take to overcome your cat got your tongue syndrome.

Get Out Of Your Own Head

Your shyness comes from crippling internal thoughts that if left unchecked will arrest your tongue and keep you from saying or approaching anyone all night.

Instead of worrying about yourself, get out of your head.

Don’t allow yourself to have these arresting thoughts.

But how?

One way is to get to talking.

There’s less time to invest in self-defeating thoughts if your mental faculties are being used to chat up someone.

I get you’re afraid to engage but find the safest person to talk to and start chatting them up (most likely your friend). They’ll likely know someone else at the party and will you’ll soon be chatting with someone new with your friend by your side.

If you don’t feel comfortable immediately diving into a conversation ask yourself questions about your surroundings.

Ask things like:

• What song is this?
• How does so and so know this other person?
• I wonder how it is to live here?
• How’s this neighborhood?

Asking these questions keeps you present while preventing you from having negative thoughts.

Find A Quiet Place

A shy or introverted person feels most overwhelmed when first walking through the door.

They see the entirety of the party, people turn to look at them, and all their fears are suddenly realized.

My recommendation?

Get off the stage. 

Find a safe corner or space where you feel more at home.

If quiet corners are tough to come by go outside or pair up with a friend or acquaintance and give the party your back. Shrink the party by finding a safe corner where you feel you can be yourself.

You may in part feel shy due to overstimulation.

Turning your back to the party may help you relax. Of course if you really need to chill, go outside, go for a walk, or hit the bathroom.

Lower Conversation Expectations

You may feel obligated to keep your mouth shut because you’re afraid of conversations or people’s opinions of you not living up to your expectations.

Lower these lofty expectations.

Chances are everyone’s a bit on edge.

They really want to put their guard down, have a laugh, and drink a beer or two. Be the person that can disarm these people.

Be the person that wants to crack a joke or two, have a light conversation, and relax.

Instead of trying to have lofty conversations, making profound observations, and trying to captivate an audience dumb down the quality of your conversation.

Be calm and act as though you don’t want to have a serious conversation because you don’t.

Ask Questions

Carrying the conversational load can be daunting, so don’t.

Instead of worrying about coming off as super cool and knowledgeable, put the onus on them by revolving the conversation around them.

Ask them how they know the host, what they do for fun, what they’re into, what they’re drinking, if they normally come to parties etc.

Once you’ve found a topic you two can bond on offer your opinion.

This is how conversations should be had.

If anything taking a genuine interest in the person you’re talking to will put the limelight on them, thus putting less pressure on you to entertain.

Being genuinely interested and asking lots of questions is a note taken directly from Dale Carnegie’s How To Win Friends And Influence People.

Arrive Early Michael Scott Style

It’s difficult to build relationships and bonds once a party is in full swing. Dynamics have been created, people have their circles, and breaking into one of these dynamics can be difficult.

Arriving early gives you a chance to wet your tongue, get your social juices flowing, and build dynamics before the rest of the guests arrive. At the very least it gives you a chance to familiarize yourself with your surroundings.

Offer to arrive early and help set up or just to drink a beer or eat a meal before the rest of the guests arrive.

Should there be a lovely lady there this would be the perfect time to chat her up. With few if any other guests there you two almost are forced into conversation. This is a much less pressurized situation than it would be should you attempt to approach her in the middle of the party.

Once you’ve bonded with these people they’re now on your team. Chatting them up mid-party will be super easy.

Team Up People In Your Position

The loud big drinking extroverts are the first people everyone notices. They have crowds around them, make lots of noise, and seem like the center of attention.

Ignore these people.

They already have enough going on for them.

Part of how to overcome shyness at a party has to do with how to find your element.

You may not feel comfortable in that circle of cackling people, so go find your group. Your people can be found on the outskirts of the party, perhaps in the kitchen or outside where it’s a touch calmer.

Find the people that may not feel super comfortable in such a setting and like you are pushing the limits of their comfort zone.

Find them and make them part of your team. 

Test the waters by asking them the basic questions until they open up a little. Chances are if they’re at a party they’re up for a chat, they just don’t always feel comfortable initiating one.

Think of Something Interesting To Say Before The Party

Before a social outing where I may not know a bunch of people I always read the news.

Always be up to date on the latest happenings. Chances are people are talking about current events. Knowing what’s going on in the world means you can easily join in on the conversation.

I also recommend knowing something kinda out there that you can add to or start a conversation with. Some weird timely tidbit that will make people think and want to know more.

This can be a random fact, something about current events that few people know, or something about the food or drink you’re eating.

Reading up means you always have something interesting to say and don’t feel left out of conversations.

Compliment

This isn’t always the best way to approach a woman you want to court, but if it’s done innocuously enough and not about her body you should get away with it.

Complimenting someone will immediately endear you to them.

Say you like her choice in beer, her dance moves, or that dope graphic-t she has on. From there it becomes all too easy to make conversation. Continue to revolve the conversation around the thing you just complimented and in no time you two will have bonded.

Practice, Practice, Practice

The absolute best way to overcome shyness at a party is to practice. If you can’t stand the thought of going to a party build your confidence until you feel comfortable enough to go.

That may mean making more small talk at work with colleagues in a group setting, saying hi to people on the elevator, talking up your barista, etc.

Once you do finally feel comfortable enough to attend a party give yourself a time limit. You don’t have to stay for 4 hours. Say you can attend for one but then have to meet up with a friend.

Slowly dip your toes in and submerge yourself more and more until you’re full-on swimming.

Bring A Friend

Who said you have to go alone?

If your only friend there is the person that invited you chances are as the host he or she won’t have much time to devote to you. So why not bring your most social friend to tag along?

They’ll no doubt love a chance to be in a social setting and will stick by your side knowing that you’re not in your element.

Next Steps

At emlovz we teach men the IRL dating skills they need to chat up women at parties, social events, online, and more. Regardless of the context, we’ll show you how to approach and court women.

Our program, Dating Decoded teaches you how to date various women at the same time by leveraging IRL and online dating skills to do so.

Let’s talk about your shyness and how Dating Decoded can help you overcome it via a 1-on-1 Zoom session.