The time has finally arrived! This season of The Bachelorette is underway, which means I once again have a legit excuse to get wine buzzed on Mondays. It also means that I get to write about the lessons men can learn from the always interesting limo arrivals that take place on the season premiere. Cheers!

If you’re a guy who is single and looking to find the woman of your dreams, this blog is going to be chock full of tips on how to not screw up when it comes to the initial approach and early interactions. If you’re anyone else, this blog is still going to be fun for you. Trust me. This season premiere veered into gloriously ridiculous territory that I will laugh about for weeks to come.

Let’s grab our respective glasses of chardonnay and do this. It’s Becca the Bachelorette time! 

Initial Thoughts

The opening scene for this season was of bachelorette Becca Kufrin crying because Arie Luyendrk Jr. is a wishy-washy mofo.

In case you missed it, Arie was the star of the most recent season of The Bachelor. He proposed to Becca and then was basically like, “Oopsie! I changed my mind. I’m gonna get back with the runner-up chick. Also, I’m going to apologize to you with the emotional depth of a jar of mayonnaise.”

Obviously, Becca became this season’s Bachelorette because it’s the least ABC could do after allowing a camera crew to film her getting dumped.

But Becca as the Bachelorette also gives us some inspiring words to live by in the season premiere. Before the contestants get introduced, we see Becca talking about moving forward after her breakup.

“I’m not going to let that past heartbreak stop me from getting what I want.”

Hells to the YAAS, queen! Ladies and gentlemen take note — never let someone who ended up being wrong for you keep you from finding someone who is right.

And with that lesson under our belts, let’s get to ranking the male bachelorettes contestants initial approaches* from worst to best.

*Note: Three contestants — Darius Feaster, Alex Templeman, and Ryan Peterson — were not allotted enough camera time to make the list.

*Note: The below # rankings were provided to me by Emyli and the EmLovz Team. The descriptions of each contestant are a mixed bag of all of our views. 

#25: David Ravitz (Venture Capitalist)

David walked out of the limo wearing a chicken suit and screaming “BECCAW!”

Seriously. With each step he took came another “BECCAW!” followed by another, and then another. I thought it would never end. I can only hope the show paid him to wear that suit and it wasn’t a personal choice. He is 25 years old, and that is too damn old to pick up chicks (oh god, did I just accidentally make a chicken pun? *cries*) by wearing a costume and clucking.

The only time you can call someone named Becca “BECCAW” is if you’re Skylar Astin in 2012 when he played Jesse in Pitch Perfect. And during the scene where he pulled out a “BECCAW” he STILL wasn’t wearing a chicken suit. Also, he was supposed to be in college — which means he was under 25!

You have no excuse for your behavior, David!

David went on to say that he didn’t come on the show “to ruffle feathers” and wants to build an “egg-cellent relationship” with Becca.

Ugh…

#24: Leo Dottavio (Stuntman)

Leo arrived with a messy ass bun/top knot deal. He went in for a handshake when she wanted a hug and it was immediately awkward.

This dude seemed really rehearsed and — more specifically — he had obviously rehearsed letting his hair down like he was a Pert Plus model.

I couldn’t tell if he was truly into Becca or if he was just really interested in letting her know that he uses a leave-in conditioner.

He also seemed hurt that Becca didn’t ask him more questions about his luscious locks before entering the mansion.

FAIL.

#23: Christian Estrada (Banker)

The most memorable thing about Christian is that he has a very creepy laugh.

He twirled Becca around when he first met her. She said, “You’re so suave!”

Christian’s response? “I try. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!”

Yikes.

#22: Trent Jesperson (Realtor)

The takeaway from this entrance is that women don’t want to think of death the first time they meet you.

Trent rolled up to the mansion in a freaking hearse. He then jumped out and said, “When I heard you were the bachelorette I literally died, and then I came back to life!”

WORST CHEESY LINE EVER and SUPER MORBID!

Yup. This entrance was dead on arrival.

#21: Jake Enyeart (Marketing Consultant)

Jake did almost nothing at all. All he said was that he was Jake from Minnesota and told Becca she looked pretty. Anyone can do that.

Jake also missed a big opportunity here because it was quickly revealed that he and Becca already knew each other. They are apparently acquaintances that Becca said she met on “multiple occasions.”

Really, Jake? You couldn’t come up with ANYTHING to say even though you met her on multiple occasions?

Fail.

#20: Kamil Nicalek (Social Media Participant)

Kamil works as a “Social Media Participant” meaning that he picks up chicks for a living and/or likes their photos and makes a yearly salary of $0. He totally seemed like a former pick up artist (PUA) and creeped me out the entire time.

He made bachelorette Becca walk up to him 50% so that they could “meet in the middle.” Once she did, he backed up 10% and asked her to come 60% of the way to him.

It seemed like he was negging her and she looked uncomfortable.

Gross. Don’t ever be this guy.

#19: Rickey Lane Jasper II (IT Consultant)

Rickey basically love bombed her with compliments and it was overwhelming.

“You are gorgeous, sexy…ALL THE ADJECTIVES…OMG you are gorgeously amazingly wonderfully fantastic AHHHHH!!!”

I thought his bowtie was going to pop off out of excitement.

#18: Jordan Kimball (Model)

Jordan is a professional model and we know this immediately because it’s the first thing he says in his intro video.

He also describes his personal “brand” as the “Pensive Gentleman.” Oh…

“I’m so focused on myself that I’m potentially losing sharing myself with someone else” is another thing he mentioned in case you had any doubt he’s a narcissist.

Jordan took his time coming out of the limo and seemed in his head. The first thing he said to Becca was, “I was not expecting this color on you.” Note that she was wearing white, so WTF are you exactly trying to say, Jordan? It was out of left field and weird.

He also looked at her like a golden retriever looks at a hunk of raw meat and said, “I’m already having a great time.” Down, boy!

FYI, along with being a model and in love with himself, Jordan wants everyone to know that he is really into fashion. His shoes clicked when he walked into the mansion, which he said was a deliberate choice.

“They mimic the sound of a heartbeat.”

Um…

Jordan also spends pretty much every appearance in this episode talking about how much he uses fashion to “STAND OUT” and wants everyone to notice that he is wearing a grey suit, which he believes is one of the bravest choices a human being could make.

One of the best moments of the show included Jordan’s head nearly exploding when David the Chicken entered the mansion.

#17: Clay Harbor (Pro Football Player)

When Clay’s intro video began, I felt like a robot just told me, “I’m 30 years old.”

Clay loves his grandma and he has “been told a couple times I’m a big sweetheart,” but without the video proof of him being just that (I guess), I would have never known whether or not Clay was a football player with a heart of gold or the voice for the automated messaging system that greets me when I’m having an issue with my cable company.

Everything about Clay is robotic, and this was especially evident when he first approached Becca.

“Hi, you look amazing,” was his wooden greeting.

Why do I feel like Clay would have also said, “Hi, you look terrible,” or “Congratulations, you’re having a girl,” OR, “Unfortunately we’re going to have to remove your kidney,” with the EXACT same tone and cadence.

He closed with letting her know he’s a football player and said, “I will CATCH you inside.”

Awkward.

#16: Grant Vandevanter (Electrician)

Grant hugged Becca like he was hugging his grandma. He had a great smile but there really wasn’t anything that memorable about his approach. He also brought her back to a negative place when he mentioned her past with Arie.

He told her he had respect for her for what she went through.

“But let’s forget about that and let loose.” Maybe she DID forget about it Grant or hadn’t thought about it up until that point where you BROUGHT IT UP.

#15: Chase Vergason (Advertising VP):

First of all, how are you a vice president at 27 years old?

Second of all, Chase’s approach was completely focused on himself and not Becca, which was a fail.

“Hi, I’m Chase and the chase makes it that much better!” He proceeded to laugh at his own joke and I died a little bit inside.

#14: Jason Tartick (Sr. Corporate Banker)

Jason looks like he could be related to Bradley Cooper and I like that.

He showed her his secret handshake that kinda made her a bro, not a love interest.

He kissed her hand at the end of the handshake, which was cute and a good way to break the touch barrier.

#13: John Graham (Software Engineer)

John is a typical San Francisco nice guy (EmLovz.com is based in SF, so we know), which is way too beta for Becca.

He was talking about his grandmother and seemed more into the fact that his grandparents found love than discussing Becca or what they could have in common.

Did he come on the show just to let us know about his grandparents? I couldn’t tell, which means his approach wasn’t great.

He also described Becca as “comforting,” and the way he said “comforting” made me feel like he was talking about a warm cup of chamomile tea rather than a woman he hopes to see naked one day.

You know who I’ll bet loooooved chamomile tea? JOHN’S GRANDPARENTS!

#14: Nick Spetsas (Attorney)

Nick decided to make an impression on our bachelorette by wearing a race car driver outfit over his suit. This was obviously to mock Arie, who races cars for a living when he’s not busy making horrible choices.

Again, this guy simply brought Becca back to a negative place by having to remember Arie. He didn’t tell her anything about himself. The only good thing about him was that he at least showed some creativity with the suit.

So now you reminded her of Arie AND we know nothing about you. ARE you Arie?

Pert Plus model, Leo, earned some of my affection by stating the obvious when talking about the race car driver outfit: “That’s a BAD idea.”

#11: Mike Renner (Sports Analyst)

Mike brought a standup cardboard cutout of Arie, which was a super questionable choice. Dude, at least bring some darts so she can nail Arie.

I like the creativity, but again it reminds her of her ex. Mike had a good presence about him, but he could have done better without the Arie cutout.

#10: Wills Reid (Graphic Designer)

Wills told Becca he was a closet nerd and she liked that, being that she is a self-proclaimed nerd.

Was he taking a risk with that line or did he do his homework? Either way, it ended up being a good choice based on her response.

#9: Connor Obrochta (Fitness Coach)

Connor asked the bachelorette to close her eyes and got down on one knee, which I immediately thought may be a bit overwhelming/traumatizing (she got proposed to not too long ago, remember?) at this stage of the game.

He said he was opening his heart to her and ready to take this journey together. Aww.

He wasn’t the best of the night but seemed like a genuine guy and I could tell his intentions were very sweet. He also pulled out a ring and asked, “Are you ready to do the damn thing?”

Also, was that ring real?? You know diamonds immediately lower in value after you purchase them, right bro? At least it shows he’s committed…I guess??

When Connor enters the mansion, he immediately goes up to Clay and says, “Hey man, what’s going on??” It was interesting to watch Clay hesitate before responding, as it was clear he was freaking out over the fact that his human manufacturers had not programmed him to show enthusiasm.

Clay also said, “I was nervous, I think I blacked out for a minute” when referencing his first time meeting Becca. By “blacked out,” I’m pretty sure he means that he short-circuited.

#8: Christon Staples (Harlem Globetrotter)

I liked that Christon took his time out of the limo but he was kind of stiff.

He seemed like a nice guy with a positive attitude, but he wasn’t very memorable.

#7: Joe Amabile (Grocery Store Owner)

Joe owns a grocery store and — judging by his intro video — he is ON TOP OF HIS SHIT. There will be no bad produce on his watch, and when you think about it, is there really much more you could ask for in a mate?

He was so nervous when he met Becca and admitted that he immediately forgot everything he was planning to say to her. He admitted it in such a charming way, which shows that honesty and some slight self-deprecation can be a good approach.

#6: Lincoln Adim (Account Sales Exec)

Lincoln brought in a dessert since it was his birthday when he first met Becca on the After the Rose special. This tactic was cute, creative and it created an experience for both of them to share. 

#5: Jean M. Blanc

Jean Blanc has fine tastes and he uses his fine tastes to add to his appeal (cologne, ties etc.). Apparently, he collects colognes, which means he smells amazing at all times and Becca even remarked on how good he smelled. This makes me want to stand next time him at all times.

Moving on…

Jean Blanc came out right after Clay and it was a relief to see someone express human emotions. He was not robotic at all and also seemed very genuine.

Jean Blanc knows French and taught Becca how to say “Let’s do the damn thing” in French. Everything about this guy was adorable and, honestly, if our bachelorette doesn’t want him, I might take him for myself! *Feverishly looks up Jean Blanc’s Instagram*

#4: Blake Horstmann (Sales Rep)

Blake arrived riding a bull after first meeting Becca on horseback during the After the Final Rose special.

Blake said that he had been thinking about Becca since they first met and let her know that his feelings “are as strong as an ox.”

Very cute and endearing!

#3: Colton Underwood (former football player)

Colton gave Becca a big hug and had a positive attitude. He also said, “Let’s celebrate YOU!” and brought a confetti popper to do just that.

Celebrating HER and keeping the focus on a night that is fun and NOT about that Arie drama. Loved it. He had good eye contact, was very sweet and wasn’t aggressive.

He ended by saying, “Well, we started this off with a bang and I’m looking forward to getting to know you inside.” Nailed it!

#2: Garrett Yrigoyen (Medical Sales Rep)

As of this writing, there has been a lot of controversy surrounding Bachelorette contestant Garrett Yrigoyen. Basically, it was discovered that before coming on the Bachelorette, Garrett’s social media activity included him liking memes and posts that included xenophobic, transphobic, homophobic, sexist, and racist content.

Garrett offered a lengthy apology via his Instagram, which is hopefully sincere. Still, giving any sort of thumbs up to defamatory material is troubling.

The takeaway here is pretty simple. Be kind both in public and behind closed doors.

But Garrett’s troubling behavior wasn’t evident in the episode, so I still need to give him a high ranking based on the simple fact that he did make an amazing impression on Becca.

He pulled up in a minivan to show Becca that he plans to make “a great dad” one day. It was very creative and well done and also made Becca laugh A LOT.  

We also saw Garrett go into the house and shake hands with the guys starting with Clay. Clay attempted to put his hands in his pockets but couldn’t locate them on his pants. TOTAL robot move.

#1: Chris Randone (Sales Trainer)

No one brought it the way Chris did entrance-wise.

Chris brought in a 12 person soul choir, which relates to Becca’s church interest. He did an excellent job of relating to something very close to her heart (her uncle).

On top of that, Chris had a great smile, charming, nice, and thoughtful. WINNER! 

Remaining Thoughts on Episode

Once the introductions were out of the way, there was still fun to be had in this episode. Below are some of the highlights

Clay the Robot Brought Actual Clay With Him

Clay the robot took our bachelorette aside and told her he wanted her to remember him and — more importantly — that his name is in fact, Clay. So he took her over to some actual clay (let’s be real, it was play-doh) so they could make clay figures of each other.

I have to give him some props here. He actually took the time to connect with Becca and they talked about how he grew up in the midwest, which is something they have in common.

Everyone Played Basketball

These are the things you end up doing on night one of the Bachelorette when ABC starts setting drink limits for all the contestants.

Christon had Becca play basketball, but it seemed like he wanted to show off his moves more than share a moment with her.

Then again, I hate any sports that involve the risk of having a ball hit you in the face, so this could just be my bias talking.

I Have Decided to Marry Jean Blanc

Jean Blanc gave Becca a candle with a poem he wrote engraved on the lid. Poems make me cringe when they’re given to me as gifts from men I have known for less than 10 minutes but somehow Jean Blanc made this suave and sexy.

LOVE HIM.

Blake Found the Perfect Way to Open the Ex-File

“I hate my ex! WHAT A BITCH!” said a guy I went on a date with once. If you’re wondering how appealing I found the bashing of his ex, just know that there was no second date.

When alone with Becca, Blake brought up the topics of exes in the BEST WAY. He didn’t bash his ex, but he talked about how he had been in a serious relationship and it ended abruptly, which he and Becca bonded over.

He also said, “If I was able to love the wrong person that much how much will I be able to love the right person?” SWOON.

They both talked about how their heartbreaks helped them grow and made them realize how much love they have to give. Now THAT is how you have a conversation about exes.

Is That…?

The guy that came in with a race car driver suit whose name I have already forgotten gave Becca a back massage with what I hope is a legit back massager and not a vibrator.

Chicken Guy Won’t Stop Making Chicken Puns

After the night was well underway, David FINALLY took off his chicken mask but kept the rest of that damn costume on. He also never ceased with the chicken puns.

What are you going to do if you get in the top three and you meet her parents or something, David? Are you going to STILL be wearing that stupid suit? Will you be telling her parents, “Don’t worry, I won’t CHICKEN out like Arie.” If she rejects you, will you say, “What the cluck?!”

I can’t.

Stupid Drama Went Down

Chris dropped an absolute BOMBSHELL and while he was doing so I realized he looks a lot like a young Ben Stiller. Ben Stiller had nothing to do with the bombshell, but the camera kept closing up on his face so I couldn’t miss it. And also apparently he looks like Crazy Eddie from Friends.

ANYWAY!

Chris revealed Chase is not here for the right reasons!

*Collective gasp*

I mean, at least five of these guys seem to be here solely for the purpose of increasing their Instagram followers and possibly getting an Invisalign endorsement deal, so this is actually not a huge revelation. Still, that didn’t stop Crazy Eddie Stiller from stirring the pot.

Basically, Chase dated a friend of Chris’ years ago and she texted him during the After the Rose special to tell Chris that Chase is awful and not there for the right reasons.

Chris then confronted Chase and Chase was basically like, “Wait, which one are you again?”

Chase told Becca he was “not that guy” with the sincerity of a sociopath and got sent home. So I guess you could say Chris’ plan worked, but now he has a reputation for stirring the pot, meaning he probably won’t make it far in the show.

The takeaway here is don’t stir up drama. That’s a total Crazy Eddie movie and the last thing you want is to have a woman associate you with someone who would put a goldfish cracker in a fish tank.

Things With Jake Got Weird

Jake from Minnesota who knew Becca previously but still entered the competition with little more than an “I’m Jake from Minnesota and you’re pretty” was pulled aside by Becca.

Becca makes a really good point during this time. She feels that it raises red flags that Jake is here and SUDDENLY he wants to compete for a chance to propose to her even though he showed zero interest in her when they met in the past??

Guys, you need to make moves to avoid being in the friend-zone and don’t want for a girl to go on national television to let her know that you like her.

Jake said, “I have one conscious recollection of meeting you,” after she said they had met multiple times. So this either means that Jake is lying or could possibly be a blackout drunk.

Either way, he got the boot.

Annnnd, there you have it. Let’s hope that this season is exciting enough to keep me occupied until Bachelor in Paradise starts.

Images: Giphy