Men aren’t the mindless buffoons sitcoms love to depict them as.

Although this may be surprising for some of you to hear, they’re motivated by more than food, sex, and sports.

When a man pulls away we tend to think it’s because he’s with another woman or has lost interest (presumably because his interest has been won by another woman).

But behind the scenes, there is much more happening in the mind and life of a man than we want to realize. It’s easy to be mad and say all men are the same or this always happens to me. 

I’m here to tell you the truth is more nuanced than you think. There are dozens of reasons why men pull away.

Understanding why men pull away will help you get more from your relationships and maybe even win back the man who motivated you to read this article.

Why Do Men Pull Away After Being Close?

The courtship phase takes place during the dating period. You two aren’t an exclusive couple yet, however you see each other as more than just, that person I matched with on Bumble. 

You’ve gone on at least a couple dates, have made a connection and you think you two could connect on a deeper level and really build something together.

Then, like a cruise ship that was always destined for foreign seas, he picks up his anchor and slowly pulls away.

If you’re asking, why do men always seem to do this – let’s find out.

Let’s find out.

FOMO

The human brain can’t cope with the modern dating scene.

If he lives in a city, on a daily basis he passes dozens of women he’s attracted to. If he’s on dating apps he could reasonably swipe through hundreds of women a week for whom he could imagine himself with.

To just choose one partner, and magically have her be the best of the bunch is inconceivable to him. It’s not his fault. The male brain (actually the female brain as well) is overwhelmed by all these options.

For millennia we lived in close-knit hunter-gatherer societies where we’d have our community of 50-some-odd individuals, and that’s it. That would be our world. That’s a tiny dating pool.

So nowadays when we’re inundated with dating options, we suffer from the paradox of choice. We as humans fear that any choice is likely to be the wrong choice – and in a sense it is. What are the odds that of all the millions of possible partners out there, we will choose our best match? As NASA roboticist and romantic Randall Munroe found,  it’s infinitely small – but that’s okay.

The goal isn’t to find the best possible partner, it’s to find someone you can be very happy with. 

If he pulls away, chances are he likes you, but his caveman brain can’t handle all the distractions.

He Wasn’t Feeling It

He was initially.

Or at least he was up for exploring the connection. But after a few dates he realized you two weren’t compatible.

You can get torn up about this, or see it as a good thing. Be honest with yourself, were you feeling him as well? Could you really envision you two together for the long haul?

Or did it just feel nice to be wanted and chat with someone? Did it feel nice to imagine all the wonderful things you’d do together?

In reality, you two had different values, desires, hobbies, politics, etc. and it wasn’t going to work. He did you a favor by ending it.

The hurt may linger, but only because you don’t have another date lined up. Chances are you clung to this incompatible person because he was the first man in your life for a while (or the first one you connected with in a while). You can fend up feelings of oneitis by MegaDating.

MegaDating is a proactive dating strategy that sees you go on 20 dates in 90 days.  In this way, you can compare and contrast men, quickly find your most compatible partner, and not feel down when a man who isn’t right for you pulls away.

He’s A Trophy Collector

Some men don’t want everlasting love; they want romantic accolades.

They want trophies they can put on their mantelpiece and stories they can tell their friends.

The truth is he never wanted a long-term love. He never wanted a garden where he could till land, plant, and sow the fruits of his labor after many years. He wanted a drive-by burger and fries.

He wanted quick gratification rather than a highly gratifying and lasting love.

I’m not saying he only wanted sex – even though this is likely. Maybe he just wanted your number, affection, or to achieve some romantic feeling before turning off the faucets and pulling away only after a level of intimacy had been achieved.

This one will hurt.

Catch and release romantic interests will love bomb you until you fall for them, far sooner than you ever expected.

He’ll be the perfect gentleman, buy you flowers, go to fancy restaurants with you all the while knowing that this relationship has an expiration date.

Don’t be sad when this guy leaves. Be overjoyed that this distraction is out of your life.

Trust me when I tell you, after coaching men for 12 years….there’s some really good guys out there. And if you’re looking for some guidance, check out our coaching program dedicated to helping women find long term minded men.

He Doesn’t Want To Be Tied Down

Not all men who pull away after being close are bad men.

Some are just in flux.

Maybe he is stressed because of family or work. Maybe he’s working on his Master’s and is taking night classes while also working full time and has no time for a relationship. Or maybe he’s moving soon, working on a passion project, or is saving for his next big purchase and doesn’t want to spend money on dating.

I’m not making excuses for his behavior. If you two connected intimately, only for him to ghost you or quickly pull away without warning, then he’s kind of a jerk. No need to mince words there.

All I’m saying is that it’s not necessarily about you. We love to think that we’re the problem when a relationship doesn’t work out. In reality, most (if not all) of the time, we don’t have the full picture.

So don’t be hard on yourself when a relationship doesn’t work out. Chances are it’s more so about him than it is about you.

He’s Emotionally Unavailable

Did he say from the jump that he hasn’t been in a relationship in a while? Did he say he’s new to dating, just got out of a relationship, or has been super busy with a family matter recently?

He may not have the mental capacity to fit a loving relationship into his life.

This doesn’t mean the relationship is over. If he articulated that he’s not ready and that he needs to take a step back, give him the space.

Let him do his thing, but don’t be afraid to check in once in a while. Of course, you should continue living your best life and not feel hung up on him, but so long as you’re do so, there is no harm in shooting him a text every once in a while to see how he is doing.

He may really appreciate you reaching out, showing that you care and are interested in him. Once he’s 100% again, he might just reach out and want to pick up where you two left off.

Just another reason to MegaDate until you’ve found a guy who’s ready to go all-in with you.

He’s Actually Busy

Life happens.

We’ve all been there before.

We’ve all put our social or romantic relationships on hold to prioritize something else. Maybe we have a big work project, family stuff, or a personal goal we want to achieve.

Humans are constantly juggling relationships and priorities. Sometimes a nascent relationship can get put on the backburner.

If he pulls away he may genuinely be busy. This may be difficult to believe, but if he says he’s busy, give him the benefit of the doubt. Wish him well on whatever is keeping him from you, and give him space and time to get shit done.

You’re More Into Him Than He Is Into You

Look, sometimes it’s him and sometimes it’s you.

Maybe he feels a little suffocated. Maybe he feels things are moving too fast, that you’re texting too often, or that the chase ended too quickly.

This may turn him off, so he recoils.

If you think this is the case, take a step back. No need to get too attached too quickly. This could be more a sign that you’re lonely than that you’re into him. Assess why you feel this way. After taking your foot off the gas you may have a healthier outlook on the relationship and as a happy byproduct he may show signs of interest again.

Dating Decoded for Women

Now that you know why men pull away, here’s what to do about it.

We teach our students how to put Cupid out of a job by MegaDating.

MegaDating is our dating philosophy and shapes everything we teach here at emlovz. Simply put MegaDating is dating prolifically. More specifically, it entails going on 20 dates in 90 days with the goal of quickly finding an ideal partner. 

This will give you ample potential partners to compare and contrast so you can refine not only your dating skills but also who your ideal partner is.

To teach you how to quickly find a highly compatible partner in just weeks and become the most eligible single in town you’ll team up with romantic experts, each skilled in their own unique area to support you.

Our Team

• Emyli, co-founder, curriculum developer, head coach, and hosts coaching sessions every week.
• Thomas (me), co-founder, and coach. I’ll give you an inside look at what your date is thinking.
• Darshil is our mock date coach for women. Go on a practice date with Darshil to practice what you’ve learned in our program.
• Hailey is your new stylist. She’s worked with your favorite celebs and now wants to upgrade your style for your next date.
• Tilly is our holistic sex & intimacy coach. Tilly will tailor your sessions together to provide custom sex guidance to improve your experience between the sheets.
• Renee is our anxiety coach. She’ll help you overcome any big mental hurdles before jumping into MegaDating
• Mia is our social media expert. Revamp your Facebook and Instagram profiles with her help and start meeting singles online

Our Community

And look, we realize that the single life can be difficult. If accepted into our coaching program, Dating Decoded for Women, you’d be joining a community of supportive single women and coaches who are there to listen, support, and encourage you as you navigate the single life.

Our program offers every student a lifetime membership. This means that even when you’re in a relationship, you’ll still have access to our program, community, and coaching sessions. 

If you’re ready to find your forever partner, book a Zoom session with our team today. Together we’ll talk about your dating history, your goals and show you how our program, Dating Decoded, can help you find your ideal partner.