We all have arguments, disagreements, and conflicts with our partners. This is normal in any relationship. What distinguishes a healthy relationship from an unhealthy one is how each partner reacts when a conflict arises.

Healthy couples keep the lines of communication open, listen to one another, empathize, and come to a compromise.

The opposite of this is stonewalling.

Stonewalling is shutting down when a conflict arises. It’s a complete refusal to communicate with your partner. Instead of expressing oneself, your partner will go full turtle and retract into their shell until they feel comfortable to come out again. This breakdown in communication inevitably leads to confusion, angst, and is detrimental to the relationship.

To address stonewalling let’s learn more about what it is, how to prevent it and how to respond should you be on the receiving end.

What Is Stonewalling?

Stonewalling is intentionally not communicating with your partner; in other words the silent treament but for adults.

It’s an unhealthy coping mechanism that may be resorted to if one feels overwhelmed.

Stonewalling may look like:

• Walking away from a conversation
• Crossing arms and refusing to talk or make eye contact with partner
• Not responding to questions and concerns
• Checking out vocally and non-verbally from a conversation
• Changing the subject to avoid a topic
• Continually procrastinating having a sensitive conversation
• Refusing to acknowledge stonewalling behavior
• Repeatedly saying they don’t want to talk about it

Why Would She Stonewall Me?

The first time you encounter stonewalling, it may not make any sense to you.

When you have a conflict you face it head on and talk about it in a civil and productive way, but not everyone is like this. In fact, the reason you’re being stonewalled may have less to do with you and everything to do with your partner.

A partner may result to stonewalling because of the previous impact of unhealthy interpersonal relationships. If she grew up in a toxic environment or had partners who couldn’t be reasoned with, resorting to stonewalling could be her gut defense mechanism.

If this is the case, attempt to understand why she is acting in this fashion rather than feeling offended. She may not be trying to hurt you, rather this is simply a response that she has learned from a history of negative relationships.

Here are a few reasons why she may opt to stonewall rather than having a conversation:

• Avoidant attachment style
• Reduce tension
• Feel less emotional stress
• She feels she can’t handle the situation and needs to distance herself from it
• Fears her partner will react in a negative way should she engage with him
• Doesn’t believe partner wants to have a constructive conversation
• Feels utterly hopeless and powerless, thus she shuts down as a defense mechanism 
• Manipulation tactic

Preventing Stonewalling

Now that we’ve answered the question what is stonewalling, let’s dive into how to prevent it.

There is not single solution. Every human is different and every partnership is different. Here are a few strategies that may work for you and your partner.

Create An Open, Loving, And Safe Environment

I don’t know you, but if you’re putting in the effort to learn about stonewalling, chances are you care enough about your partner to improve the situation.

This probably means you’re a loving, respectful man, who is willing to have difficult conversations in a respectful and constructive way. But even though you may feel this way, ask yourself if your partner does?

Work towards creating a safe space where you two can tell each other anything without the fear of one partner going off the rails.

And realize that just because you’ve created a safe space doesn’t mean she’ll automatically respond in a healthy way when a difficult topic is broached. Depending on her history she still may need to reprogram how she confronts difficult conversations.

Ask What You Can Do To Make Her Feel More Comfortable In The Future

Get ahead of this foreseeable problem by asking her what she needs to feel comfortable in difficult times.

Broach this conversation after you two have resolved a conflict. Communicate that you care about her, her feelings, and the wellbeing of the relationship. Tell her that open lines of communication are important and ask her how you can better cultivate a comfortable environment for her.

Talk To A Professional

If you really want to make things work, but this is a hurtle too challenging to resolve alone try couples counseling.

Doing so shouldn’t be seen as a bad thing, rather it’s a sign that you to love each other and are willing to put in the work to make this relationship function.

MegaDate

The easiest way to prevent stonewalling is to find a partner with a healthy attachment and communication style.

To do this, we recommend MegaDating.

MegaDating is the dating philosophy that shapes everything we do and teach here at emlovz. Imagine being able to go on several dates a week, every week until you find your ideal partner?

That’s exactly what MegaDating is, prolifically dating with the intent of finding your ideal partner in record time.

When you date around so much you’ll quickly be able to identify red and green flags and compare and contrast women. If you find yourself a woman with poor communication and emotional skills, simply move on to the next one.

In this way you’ll decrease the odds of investing in a woman who resorts to stonewalling every time she feels overwhelemed.

How To Respond To Stonewalling

Should a partner give you the silent treatment, how should you respond?

Respectfully Give Her Space

Giving her space is exactly what she wants right now. She feels overwhelmed and needs to deflate the situation. The last thing you want to do is pressure her into having a conversation she isn’t ready for.

If you detect stonewalling is about to happen, tell her that you only want to talk about the situation when she is ready and that you’ll give her the time and space she needs to feel comfortable. But don’t completely let her off the hook. Tell her that you’ll check in with her later to see if she’s ready.

Respecting her space shows that you care. It creates a positive environment and one that she will feel comfortable in.

This may seem like you’re giving into her unhealthy patterns but don’t think of it like that. The more you demonstrate that you’re a stable, loving, and healthy communicator the more comfortable she will feel in the future to talk to you on the spot instead of running away.

Think of taking a step back as an investment into your relationship.

Be Mindful Of Your Tone

Maybe she isn’t wholly to blame for absconding every time a difficult conversation arises.

Be conscious of the tone you use when talking about a potentially stressful conversation. Are you becoming louder, talking over her, and being condescending?

Be more mindful of how your actions might impact her behavior.

Every interaction is two-sided; do your part to make her feel comfortable.

Allow Her To Speak

The quickest way to have a woman shut down and walk away is to steamroll her.

If you’re not listening, doing all the talking, and never letting her finish a sentence, of course, she’s going to stonewall you because in effect, that’s what you’re doing to her (albeit the more aggressive version).

Use Neutral Words

Instead of attacking, use neutral words and describe how you feel about the situation. Avoid criticizing and vitriol. Remember that you’re speaking with someone you love about a sensitive subject, be gentle.

Acknowledge How She Feels

Show that you’re listening and that you respect her by repeating how she feels. Ask follow up questions to better understand her point of view.

Next Steps

Regardless of how the conversation ends, make sure to give her a hug and a kiss and to tell her how much she means to you. This shows that even though you two have conflicts, you will continue to respond and love each other.

If you want to learn more about women and explore the dating scene, then it’s time we had a chat.

At emlovz we teach students the shortcut to finding their ideal match by MegaDating. MegaDating is our dating philosophy and it shapes everything we teach here at emlovz. Simply put MegaDating is dating prolifically with the specific goal of going on 20 dates in 90 days. This will give you ample women to compare and contrast so you can refine not only your dating skills but also who your ideal partner is.

To teach you how to quickly find highly compatible women in just weeks and become the most eligible bachelor in town you’ll have a team of romantic experts, each skilled in their own unique area to support you. 

• Emyli, co-founder, curriculum developer, head coach, and hosts two coaching sessions every week
• Thomas, co-founder, and coach. He’ll lead the biweekly Man Cave event where men come together to talk dating, bond with one another, and support other single men
• Cat, Brooke, and Audrey are mock date specialists. Go on a practice date with them (and receive feedback) before your next date
• Hailey is your new stylist. She’s worked with celebs from every industry and is now about to raid your closet
• Tilly is our sex coach. She’ll help you get the most out of your sex life so you and your partner are happier between the sheets
• Aundrea is an award-winning fitness coach. Are you ready to eat right and build muscle?
• Mia is our SM specialist. Revamp your SM profiles with her help and start meeting women online

And look, we realize that the single life can be difficult. If accepted to our program, Dating Decoded, you’d be joining a community of supportive men and coaches who are there to listen, support, and encourage you as you navigate the single life. 

Our program offers every student a lifetime membership (as if you’ll need it) so the support won’t stop until you’ve found your ideal partner. 

If you’re ready to find your forever partner, book a zoom session with our team today. Together we’ll talk about your dating history, your goals and show you how our program, Dating Decoded, can help you find your ideal partner. 

Learn how our students have improved their dating lives since enrolling by reading their stories here.