Let’s say you meet someone interesting — she’s good looking, you guys make great conversation at first, and she seems fun. You decide to ask her out for coffee. But is getting coffee a date? 

Obviously, you want it to be. At the same time, did you just friendzone yourself by not asking her out in a more formal way?

Not necessarily. To be honest though, asking her to coffee can be confusing. Why? Because people go to coffee shops for all types of reasons. She might think you want to either be her friend, network with her, talk about work drama (if you’re co-workers) study with her, or maybe — just maybe — go on a date with her. 

So, Is Getting Coffee a Date?

The quick answer is: It can be. In fact, going to coffee can be a great first date idea. In fact, according to a survey by the dating app Clover, the most popular place for first dates is Starbucks. 

Still, you need to ask in the right way. So when does asking her to coffee count as a date?

When You Use the Word “Date” (Or You Met on a Dating App) 

Even though it might feel awkward, using the word “date” when you ask will make it 100% clear to her what your intentions are. Don’t be afraid of coming across as too pushy or forward. 

As long as your tone and approach is casual and respectful, calling it a “date” is simply being direct. 

This is the type of confidence women want you to have, by the way. Being able to say what you want without talking around it shows that you are sure of yourself, which she’ll find insanely attractive.

Plus, you’ll know what the deal is upfront if you call it a date. Wouldn’t you rather know right away if she’s attracted to you, instead of wonder if she said “yes” only because she thinks it’s platonic?

Of course, if you’re talking to her on a dating app, then you can assume that coffee is a date, and not use the word. Otherwise, you should.

Here are a couple of examples of how you can ask her to coffee using the word “date.”

You: Are you a coffee drinker by any chance?

Her: Are you kidding? It’s my daily fuel.

You: Haha, great! You know what, Hollow Coffee Shop on 16th Avenue serves an epic Titanic coffee drink that comes with this huge marshmallow that almost fills your cup. I’m heading there tomorrow at 10 a.m. and I’ve been meaning to ask you for a date… Wanna join? 

Or you could say something like:

You: Why don’t we get together so we can chat some more? Are you a coffee drinker by any chance?

Her: Totally!

You: Great! Well if you’re up for a date, we could meet at Nossa Familia Coffee at The CalEdison in downtown. I think you’d like it — it’s in a historic building, so people literally walk though just to see the lobby — but the coffeehouse itself is amazing, with a super cool art-deco feel. I’m heading there tomorrow at 10 a.m. actually… Wanna join? 

And It Helps to Set a TDL with Your Date Request

By TDL, I mean Time, Date, and Location. Every time you ask someone on a date, you need to include this. 

Otherwise, you could spend a ton of time anticipating a get-together that isn’t even really a date (at least, in her mind). Or, she may never go out with you at all because your request is so vague, you never make real plans. 

Notice the TDL in each example above: You’re telling her that you want to meet at a certain place at 10 a.m. on Saturday. No guesswork needed!

Another thing: When you ask, make sure to mention why the place you picked is worth going to. In other words, come up with a date idea that will give her a unique experience worth talking about later. It’ll just make your date request that much more compelling.

So instead of just saying, “Let’s meet the coffeehouse around the corner,” pick a place that has something cool about it and throw in that detail. If you can’t think of anything, just Yelp the place. Reviewers will always give tidbits about what makes a place special.

Finally, notice in the examples above that you used the word “date.” Again, if you’re not already talking to her on a dating app, this is super important — especially in certain scenarios. Pro-tip: It helps if you’ve built up a bit of tension before your date request. 

Scenarios Where You MOST Need to Use the Word “Date” 

If you have any doubts about using the word “date” in your request, consider these situations. Not using the word “date” in any of these scenarios could drive you right into the friendzone. For instance…

When She’s a Friend of a Friend

If you ask her to coffee and the two of you have a mutual friend (or several) who you hang out with often, she’s likely to wonder, “Is getting coffee a date?” 

After all, considering that you guys already see each other in other contexts, it might not be. Let her know that it IS a date by using the word upfront. 

Of course, before you do this, you should do some recon first. Ask your mutual friends (if you need to) if she’s available. Maybe even get that person’s opinion on whether the two of you would be a good match. 

Obviously, it’s not up to them, but they might have some information that’s helpful. If all this sounds good, then don’t hesitate to use the word “date” when you ask her.

Finally, when you do use the word, be confident about it. It might seem weird if you guys already know each other in a more friendly way, but if you make a joke of it, it’ll still feel like a “friends” thing — even though you want more.

When You Work with Her

If you work with her, she may think you’re just asking her out for a work/gossip session. So using the word “date” is crucial. To make it seem even more like a date, invite her to a coffee place that’s further away from your office. It’ll feel different and she won’t expect to run into your other coworkers. 

Also, be very careful here. If she’s not into you, asking her directly on a “date” can make things super awkward later. So, I’d recommend that you be sure that she’s interested in you as more than a friend. 

Has someone in the office hinted to you that she likes you? Is there any other strong reason to think that she’s interested in you that way? If so, move forward (but don’t break your company dating rules). 

When You Met Her All by Yourself

If you met her alone and have no mutual connections, she’s likely to think your request is a coffee date, not a friend meet-up. Still, be confident and use the word “date.” As I’ve mentioned before, it gives her a much better impression of you. 

And in this case, you have absolutely nothing to lose. If you use the word “date” and she says no, that’s the end of it. Since you won’t see her at work the next day or run into her at the next party you go to, you can simply move on. And if she gives an excuse? Well, that’s a slightly different situation.

Common Coffee Date Objections and How to Overcome Them

Sometimes, you’ll ask a woman to coffee (using the word “date” with a TDL) and she still won’t say yes or no. Instead, she gives you a reason why she can’t. 

While you might call this an “excuse,” I see it as just an objection. The good news is, there are ways to overcome objections. Let’s look at some common ones.

“I Don’t Drink Coffee”

When she says this, ask clarifying questions to find out why. Then tweak your idea to fit that. 

For instance, she may say, “I don’t do caffeine,” to which you could reply, “No problem, they have an amazing tea herbal collection!”

Or if she doesn’t like the taste of coffee (or tea) then suggest meeting up for ice cream, a cocktail, a chocolate tasting, or a smoothie. 

In other words, get creative. Often it takes three times before she’ll say yes — not necessarily because she doesn’t want to go, but because she’s testing you. She wants you to show that you’re definitely interested in her by how much you pursue her. A lot of times, she doesn’t even know she’s giving this test. Just make sure your persistence passes with flying colors.  

“Sorry, I Work That Day”

Don’t let the actual details of your TDL get in the way of the date. If she can’t make your proposed day/time, just switch it, saying something like, “No problem. What about Wednesday — are you free then? Say around 6 p.m.?” 

Again, for the reasons I mentioned before, try three different options. You never know if it’s simply a test. If she rejects three different TDLs, then you can ask her to just tell you when she’s free (this isn’t ideal, since you want to lead this, but acceptable at this stage). Or, you can just quit and move on.

“I Have a Boyfriend”

The infamous I have a boyfriend excuse. This may or may not be true. You’ll want to tread lightly here, but there are things you can do to overcome this objection, too.

First of all, whatever you say, make it lighthearted. Don’t give her the impression that you’re super hurt or angry that she’s not available. That just makes you look desperate. Second, play up the fact that it’s just coffee, so she doesn’t feel too much pressure.

When she says she has a boyfriend, you could express your disappointment in a joking way and then say something like: “We couldn’t have met by accident. I’m supposed to know you. Let’s get a coffee, just a quick five-minute coffee. We have to figure this out.” 

This lets her know you’re still interested but takes the pressure off by putting a short timeframe on it. Plus it appeals to the fantasy we all have of meeting “the one” in an unexpected way. Who wouldn’t take a chance on that?

Or you could simply say, ““Well then let’s be friends! Come have a coffee with me… as a new friend.” 

This makes it sound like you’re giving up, but think of it as reverse friendzoning instead. You don’t have much to lose if she really has a boyfriend, but everything to gain if the two of you hit it off. 

Frame the coffee date as a friends-only thing and see where it goes. If she says yes to “coffee with a friend” even though you called it a date just two seconds earlier, chances are, she’s still somewhat interested.

Is Getting Coffee a Date?: Wrap-Up

So when it comes to the question, “is getting coffee a date?” the answer is yes — as long as you ask directly and with confidence. There’s no reason for her to consider coffee anything less than a date if you’re clearly interested and are using date language.

Also, first date coffee is great for many reasons. I always recommend keeping first dates under an hour and not spending more than $10 (save the money and time investment for the women you know are worth it!). 

So for that reason, coffee is perfect. Use the tips in this post to get her excited about your date — and then relax, knowing that you haven’t put that much on the line!

While asking women to coffee can be a tricky thing, lots of other dating scenarios are, too. If you’re looking for help with meeting women, want to learn how to MegaDate, or hope to find your ideal romantic partner, book a 1-on-1 New Client Session with me. 

I can give you personalized feedback and insights on how to improve your approach and achieve your dating goals. During our new client session we’ll also discuss my 3 month Signature Program and see if it’s a fit for you!