It can be tough to figure out how to get out of the friend zone with a woman you like.
Let’s say you met a woman and she seems great. She’s beautiful and has an adorable personality that’s really suited to your own. Your friends love her, and everyone gives you the thumbs up. You, by contrast, aren’t so bad yourself. In fact, some people say you’re a catch: Good job, fun to be around, chivalrous, respectable.
But for whatever reason, she treats you like the “best friend” in some sort of weak romantic comedy. While you’re secretly swooning over her, she acts like she could care less. So, what do you do?
Like I said, figuring out how to get out of the friend zone with a woman you like can be difficult, but not as bad as you think once you change your mindset. In this article, I’ll show you how to think more like she does — so you can unlock the objections in her mind and make her realize your true date-ability. Let’s get started!
Evoke Emotion, Not Logic
When it comes to dating, women aren’t logical. While you’re busy trying to fit yourself into all the appropriate “categories” you think she wants her boyfriend to be — by showing off your success, for example — she’s probably still missing that lovin’ feeling. Why? Because, at least for women, attraction takes place in the body, not the mind.
Anyone can try to portray themselves as the perfect guy on paper. But she’s not going to date just anybody, because she’s looking for someone who also makes her feel good emotionally.
So, how do you do this? Stop trying to reason your way into her life. Instead, next time you talk to her, keep the conversation on things that will evoke an emotional and visceral response, rather than a logical one. Topics that usually bring out her emotions are:
- Favorites. Get her talking about her favorite travel destinations, movies, songs, foods … anything that she loves to rave about.
- Family. Ask about family members she has the most positive relationships with.
- Pets. If she has one, her pet is probably like her kid. If you have one too, use it as a point of connection. Even if you don’t, be sure to ask about hers!
- Hobbies. Ask for more details about something she’s doing in her spare time. Maybe she’s working on a script, a new blog, or has taken up meditation. Once she sees your interest is genuine, she’ll feel excited to tell you about it.
Remember: The more positive emotions you can get her to feel in general, the more she’ll associate those feelings with you personally. In fact, even science backs this up: According to excitation transfer theory, arousing someone’s excitement in one situation can intensify their emotional state later with something else. This means you can get you out of the friend zone and into her heart.
Take Her Off That Pedestal by MegaDating
Don’t give her the feeling that you’re overly available. If she doesn’t get the sense that you’re valuable, then she’ll take her time to decide whether or not to date you … during which time, someone else could easily swoop in.
The perfect way to create the feeling that you’re slightly unattainable is to actually date other women. I know what you’re thinking. I’ve already found the one I want! Why would I want to hop on Tinder and go through all that BS when I can just save my time for her?
Sorry, but in this case, you can’t just talk the talk … you have to walk the walk. I strongly recommend a technique I call MegaDating as the solution to any friend zone issues. When you MegaDate, you essentially reach out to (and date) as many women as you can at once.
These will often be just first or second dates with different people. However, it’ll develop a momentum in your dating life that will have a magical effect. First, it’ll raise your confidence level in ordinary situations, so she’ll definitely feel a shift in your personality—for the better. Second, it’ll reduce your anxiety to the point where figuring out how to get out of the friend zone won’t even matter so much anymore.
Use Social Media to Your Advantage
Are you friends with her on Facebook, IG, Snap, or another social media site? Then you definitely need to use that to your advantage. It’s time for a little social engineering experiment.
Set up two or three social events per week for yourself. It doesn’t have to be anything earth-shattering — brunch with friends, frisbee in the park one Sunday, a hike with your meetup group, etc.
Then, be sure to always take pictures and post them to your feed so she sees you and your friends having a great time. She’ll eventually see you living your best life, and want to be a part of it. Worst case scenario, you could meet someone else along your journey.
Here’s another strategy: Embrace the friend zone. That’s right. Instead of trying to fight it, use your friendship with her to expand your social network. Become friendly with others in her circle, and don’t be afraid to pay a little extra attention to any of her friends who happen to be attractive. After all, you guys aren’t together … right?
Reverse friendzoning accomplishes a couple of things. She’ll see you in a new light once she notices how much other people like you. Your sense of humor or offbeat stories, for example, could suddenly seem cooler once her friends seem to like them. And if it seems like you might be interested in someone else, she will then wonder why you’re not attracted to her.
Don’t Agree with Everything She Says
Also, don’t be afraid to offend her once in a while. Think about stand-up comedy: The most unexpected or “inappropriate” remarks can make you laugh the hardest simply because they’re so relatable. Being authentic in this way can be charming.
Finally, knowing who you are and sticking to those ideals, especially when they’re divergent, allows her to drop her formalities and get real too. This will create a feeling of closeness when you’re together that could make her change her mind about you. So, don’t over-censor yourself.
Insist on Paying the Bill
When you guys do things together, be sure to pay the bill. Splitting the bill (or worse, letting her pay) assumes that you are friends, which is what you don’t want.
This doesn’t mean you have to resign yourself to spending a lot of money. You can be the person who “pays” and still make it affordable. To understand this better, consider my dating blueprint. Whether or not your outings are real “dates,” this should give you an idea of how to structure your time with her so that she never feels like she “pays.”
- First date: Spend no more than $10. This means going out for a coffee, a happy hour beer, an ice cream cone, etc.
- Second date: Pick a physical activity that costs nothing. Think hiking or even jiu-jitsu.
- Third date: Take her out to dinner, and splurge a little. Also, notice that you do not take her to dinner from the beginning. If you do, she’ll come to expect a full-course meal every time she goes out with you. Make her work for that dinner by suggesting it no earlier than the third time you guys meet up.
Following this blueprint, even if she’s not really “dating” you yet, will help you avoid the perception that you’re just friends. Taking her out for coffee or a drink allows you to interact with her closely enough to build trust, while physical activities give you chances to touch each other, which creates sexual tension. Finally, taking her out to dinner—and paying that bill—after you’ve already established trust and sexual tension will make things move forward much more easily. Just be sure to do everything in the order it’s laid out, and you’re golden.
Don’t Be “Her Ear”
While it’s great to express interest in the things she loves (and it’s important to do so), make sure you don’t become her “ear.” In other words, she already has girlfriends to talk to regarding her dramatic current life events. Don’t be the guy who will be “one of the girls” by listening to these stories. If you do, you’re in the friendzone. If she does this to you, as a solution, try to change the subject as quickly as you can by asking emotionally compelling questions.
Emotionally compelling questions are designed to bring some value to your dates and can level up your interactions so they don’t become stale. Here are some examples of questions you can ask her.
If you just met ….
- What’s the last song you played on Spotify?
- When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up?
If it’s your second date …
- What made you decide to move here (or what kept you here)?
- What’s the worst kiss you ever had?
If it’s your third date …
- Who’s in your “top five”? (as in, top five celebs you’d hook up with)
- What are you most afraid of?
Avoid Negative Topics
If you want to know how to get out of the friend zone, here’s one key thing to remember: Stay positive! Nothing kills romantic feelings faster than negativity.
Here are some topics that could skew negative (so tread lightly!):
- Your exes
- Other people you guys are dating
- Stuff in the news
Texting a lot, or texting long paragraphs when you do, can also make things feel “heavy,” so avoid that too. Finally, bragging about yourself (no matter how subtle) can also turn her off and bring things down.
If you do find yourself being negative, pivot the conversation immediately. Here’s the formula: acknowledge it briefly, then say “speaking of that,” and finally, move on to the next topic. (The new topic can be totally unrelated, by the way.)
For example, let’s say she asks you when you and your ex broke up. First, acknowledge her question briefly by saying something like, “a while back.” Then say, “speaking of that…” And finally, introduce the new topic: “I tried playing disc golf a couple of weeks ago. Have you ever tried that?” Most likely, she’ll follow your new conversation thread and forget about the negative one she brought up.
Use a TDL with the Word “Date” in It
This is probably the most important tip when it comes to how to get out of the friend zone. Give her a TDL (time, date, location) the next time you ask her out, and be sure to include the word “date” in it. For example, you might say, “I’m going down to the Museum of Modern Art on Saturday to check out the new exhibit. Want to come with me and make it a date? I can pick you up at noon.”
If nothing else, be sure to avoid the dreaded phrase, “We should go out sometime.” It confirms nothing, gives no compelling reason for her to actually go, and worst of all, it isn’t even clear that you’re asking her on a date. She might think you’re asking her out to network or as friends.
I personally remember one time, I didn’t even know I’d been on a “date” with a guy until weeks later when his friend told me so. I’d thought it was a business dinner the whole time! No clue. So if you want to get out of the friend zone, make your intentions clear.
Hire a Coach
If you find yourself repeatedly in the friend zone, there could be something working against you that you’re not aware of. In that case, the easiest way to figure out how to get out of the friend zone is to hire a pro to help you. A coach like myself can help identify your patterns that could be giving women the impression that you’re not interested, or that you’re “not their type.” I
n a 1-on-1 New Client Skype Session, I can help you discover these roadblocks and get you back on the path to love. We can also determine if my 3-month Signature program is right for you.