Do you hear those sirens?
No, they’re not coming from a cop car or ambulance.
They’re coming from the friend-zone first responders.
If you can’t hear those sirens you’re in bigger trouble than you know.
Why are they ringing?
It’s because the woman you’re trying to woo keeps talking about her past relationships.
She’s recalling how they first met, where they vacationed, how he tried to text her last week, etc. etc.
As you SHOULD be aware of, this is a problem.
One of the biggest turn-offs is when a woman talks to a romantic prospect about past relationships. More so than picking her nose, checking her phone, or bad-mouthing the waiter.
So why is she doing this and what can you do when a woman talks about her past relationships?
Let’s dive in and see if we can’t change this narrative.
When A Woman Talks About Her Past Relationships
Why Is She Talking About Him?
It could be one of a few reasons:
1) She’s letting it be known that she’s not into you
2) She’s still got the hots for her ex
3) You’re being vetted for the position of boyfriend
4) She just feels like she can talk about anything with you
As you can see, there are a wide array of reasons as to why she’d bring up her ex.
Here’s the thing.
While these are all reasons WHY, the likeliest of reasons is because you’ve been friend-zoned. Perhaps without her even knowing she’s relegated you down a notch to the friend zone. And hey, because you’re now a friend, all topics are fair game.
If you don’t think this is the reason, ask yourself.
Why would you (the person reading this) ever talk about an ex with a girl you’re interested in?
I’ll give you a sec.
Anything?
Ya see what I mean?
There are no good reasons to talk about a previous relationship with someone you want to court. Talking about an ex is like chatting it up about vomit. An ex is something that you tried and your body rejected. You consumed it and then soon after projectile vomited it all over the street.
So.
What do you do?
Don’t Create A Safe Space
This is you.
You close your mouth, let her speak, listen intently, and let her stain your shirt with her tears until she’s dehydrated and you’re in need of a Tide To Go.
Basically, you’re her best friend.
You may not think you are, but you’re certainly performing all the sacred duties of a bestie — you’re only missing the matching bestie bracelets to make it official.
Don’t get me wrong, you sound like a great guy (a line you may have heard one too many times).
But you don’t want to be a great friend, you want to be a great boyfriend.
To do that you’ll have to shift the conversation away from boyfriends of the past.
How do you do that?
Pivot
Tell her you straight up don’t want to talk about her ex may not come off well.
Instead of being so blunt here’s what you do.
You pivot.
Make like a savvy political mastermind and use something she just said to propel you towards another conversation.
What does that look like?
Let’s role play.
Her: “He had no self-awareness and was a DL narccisist. Every time we got on an elevator or place with people and good acoustics he felt the urge to belt out the latest pop song.”
You: “Wow that’s a bit odd. Speaking pop songs, Dua Lupa’s new tune is an earworm. Have you heard it yet?”
Here’s the formula:
1) Acknowledge what she just said, “Wow that’s a bit odd”
2) Latch onto something she just said, “…speaking of pop songs”
3) Use that nugget of information to segue into a topic of conversation not even remotely related to her ex, “…Dua Lupa’s new tune is an earworm. Have you heard it yet?”
Do this enough times and she’ll start to understand that you’re not a gratuitous therapist, you’re… well, what are you?
You’re The Guy That’s Gonna Steal Her Heart
I say steal because she might not see her affection for you coming.
That is, if you’re willing to apply this next step.
Let’s just say she won’t stop talking about ex.
Every other week it seems she emotionally vomits about him for far too long. Despite pivoting better than Tim Duncan you still can’t seem to shake the topic.
Fine.
So go with it.
If she doesn’t want to talk about something else, choose the subtopic of the conversation; her sex life.
Most likely she’ll bring something sex-related up.
If so, instead of letting her move onto another boyfriend-related issue, ask her about the sex.
Use one question to ask about her sexual activities with him before asking more questions about her sexual interests in general.
It should be easy enough to segue into flirting, as this topic is inherently steamy.
If you can, insert yourself into the narrative. Start talking about what you’re into and compare sex styles.
Creating a safe space to talk about her ex is one thing.
Creating a safe space to talk about sex with a woman is another.
Women will only have sex and strike up a (healthy) relationship if they’re made to feel comfortable.
If she talks to you about sex, she clearly feels comfortable in your presence talking about intimate and delicate subjects.
That my friend is just a step away from pivoting towards not just talking the talk, but walking it as well.
Gauge If She’s Qualified
I hope you do more than just nod your head when she talks about him.
What is she saying?
Gauge if she’s qualified to date you or not.
If she’s always negative when talking about her ex-boyfriends, that’s a red flag.
If she only picks partners that are assholes it speaks to her attachment style.Â
There are secure attachment styles and insecure attachment styles. These behaviors develop in childhood and more often than not stay with us throughout our entire lives.
Her choice of partners says a lot about her.
A policy of only dating men with emotional issues should be a red flag. It means she’s into emotionally unstable men.
I wonder why that is?
Could it be that she too is emotionally unstable?
You might think that can’t be the case because in the stories she tells it’s the guys that are always the problem, never her.
Well yeah, look who’s narrating those stories.
Use these conversations to understand if she’s worth dating or not.
Tell Her Your Shoulders Are Too Broad To Cry On
There is one pretty straightforward way to change the conversation.
Tell her.
For straightforward or confrontational men, it might be a good idea to say, I wonder if you talk about your exes with all your dates.
That’s a BOLD move that won’t go over well unless it’s done charismatically. Do it at your own risk.
If the problem persists, tell her you’re beginning to think of her as more than a friend and don’t want to be that guy she calls to lean on as an emotional crutch for all her boy problems.
Big picture, she probably talked about her ex because you didn’t add the word “date” into your date pitch.
When using a TDL to ask her out (TDL is like a special romantic skeleton key) be sure to tell her that you’re asking her on a date. This will set the tone for the date and make damn sure that you two are on the same page.
The easiest and quickest way to get a woman to reframe her relationship is to tell her what you want to be to her.
Be upfront.
Tell her you could humor having a romantic relationship with her.
Tell her that you’re there for her whenever she has an issue in her life and that you can be depended on to listen but that you can’t be her relationship therapist anymore.
That’s not the dynamic you want.
Recap
Let’s quickly recap what we’ve learned.
1) If she talks about her exes with you it’s because you’ve been friendzoned.
2) Don’t create a safe space and let talk about her ex dictate the conversation.
3) Pivot. Segue the conversation away from talking about her ex.
4) If you can’t pivot, use the conversation to learn more about her or get her interested in you.
5) If all else fails, tell her straight up that this isn’t your role and that you want to be more than a friend.
Look, this is a tightrope situation that could lead to the death of a friendship or the beginning of a romance.
However, not everyone has the tact and confidence to walk that tightrope.
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