“She won’t call me her boyfriend!”

Of all the reasons why a relationship never gets off the ground, this one isn’t the most common… but it does happen. So what’s going on here?

Women shy away from commitment for lots of reasons. She may simply need more time. Or, there could be hidden reasons why she doesn’t want to take that leap with you, ever.

In other words, it might be you… or it might be her.

Let’s take a look at some reasons why she won’t call you her boyfriend. 

Frankly, It’s You

Consider this: Saying “she won’t call me her boyfriend” might not be quite accurate. She just might have an idea in her mind of what a “relationship” is, and you don’t treat her that way. Here are some examples of what I mean.

You Never Had the “Exclusive” Talk with Her

Have you actually told her you want to be exclusive? She might be waiting for this before calling you her boyfriend. 

Why? Because she can’t call you her boyfriend unless she’s 100 percent sure that you’re serious about her. Talk about your intentions, rather than assuming she knows how you feel. It will go a long way.

When you leave no room for misinterpretation, she will feel more confident in your feelings for her. If you’ve been worrying that “she won’t call me her boyfriend,” this could be the only thing stopping her.

Also, don’t make the mistake of thinking she’ll ask you first. Playing a game of chicken never works. Worst-case scenario, some other guy will turn her head while you’re waiting around. If she’s important to you, why would you risk losing her by not taking action? 

In fact, by refusing to call you her boyfriend, she may not only be testing your commitment but your confidence. Will you step up and try to claim her? She’s watching to see.

Finally, a conversation like this doesn’t have to be hard. Once you confirm that neither of you is seeing anyone else, you can simply say something like, “You know, I kind of think of you as my girlfriend. I’d love to make it official. What do you think?” 

She Can See You’re Still Active on Dating Apps 

Oops. Did you forget you still had accounts on all those dating apps like Tinder you used while you were still on the market? Chances are, she does too. Maybe you even met her on one of them. (If so, take heart — 20 percent of relationships begin online!)

Either way, dating apps often show other users when you’re active. For example, when you have OkCupid open, there will be a green light next to your name.

So if she sees you’re still on dating apps, she’ll assume you’re still looking. I get that this may not be the case — even though you’re serious about her, your curiosity about “what’s out there” might still get the best of you sometimes. But most likely, she’s not thinking this way. If she sees that you regularly log on, then she might decide to start holding back from you as a strategy to keep your interest (or simply protect her feelings).

How could she get mad about you being on dating apps when she is on the same apps, you ask? Fair point. But if your question is “how come she won’t call me her boyfriend,” the answer is still the same — your being on dating apps is making her feel unsure about you. 

I’d recommend having an open conversation with her if this is the case. Encourage her to freely express herself so she can tell you her concerns. Don’t judge her or get defensive — or you’ll subconsciously teach her that she can’t express her feelings to you. 

Also, let her be the one to bring up this topic. Don’t assume it’s a problem. Explain yourself clearly and don’t be afraid to be honest.

You Haven’t Introduced Her to Your Friends/Family 

Assuming she’s really into you, she may just be waiting for you to integrate her into your life more before she thinks of you as her boyfriend. This means instead of hearing about times you go out with your friends, she wants to be a part of it. Or instead of hearing you rave about your close-knit family, she wants to get to know them.

It can be a big leap of faith. But even if you don’t end up with this woman forever, introducing her to your “crew” is a good idea. First, it’ll make you seem like more of a well-liked person and solid dude. She’ll be able to see you in your best light — surrounded by people who “get” you, who laugh at your jokes, and generally vouch for you. It’s a form of social proof that you’re a decent guy. And who doesn’t want that?

Again, having her meet your “people” does not mean you have to commit to her long-term. But it does let her know that you are proud to be with her and that you’re boyfriend material.

If you do want to be her boyfriend, you need to take this step. So if she tells you that’s the reason, then let her know what the hold-up is. And make it a good reason!

You’re Trying Too Hard to Convince Her

Instead of asking yourself, “how come she won’t call me her boyfriend?” maybe you actually asked her directly. Sometimes this can be a bad move if the energy behind that question somehow implies that she’s dumb.

Here’s the thing: You can’t reason your way into love. It must be felt. Dating is not logical. It is emotional and sensational. This means that even though you want her to be your girlfriend and think it “makes sense,” she needs to feel more connected to you. 

In the meantime, you can try to make yourself look good on paper or convince her to be exclusive, but you’ll still never get anywhere. It’s not about using words. It’s about how you make her feel. Arguing with her over text or in-person about why she should be with you — rather than focusing on creating dates that feel good — is not the path to her heart. 

It’s especially unhelpful to try and explain why she’s wasting her time dating other guys. If she chooses to go on dates with other guys while she’s seeing you (yes, women also MegaDate!) then that’s her choice. If you criticize those guys, you are belittling her choices, which only insults her.

Instead, stop trying to convince her of anything. MegaDate and keep your options open. Stay grounded in your confidence and be the “alpha guy with a heart” that deep down you know she’s looking for.

Your Friends Won’t Vouch for You

Remember how we talked about introducing her to friends who make you look good? Friends are a powerful influence — and in this case, they could also be working against you. Maybe that mutual friend who introduced the two of you is now talking smack about you. Or she might have mentioned you to anyone who also knows you, and they told her to stay away. You never know. 

You might think you’re not the type of guy who people would “warn” someone about, but it doesn’t take much. Just the fact that you’ve been in several relationships in the last year or are recently divorced can be enough to get tongues wagging. People love gossip and may exaggerate what they know about you in order to entertain themselves.

Assuming you figure this out because she tells you, try and get curious, rather than defensive. What did the friend say? Why was it construed negatively? Perhaps it was all just a simple misunderstanding. Or maybe it’s true and you have some explaining to do. Either way, you need to know what you’re up against. 

Approach the friend directly, or ask around, to try to get this information. Be sure to ask questions that reveal more before jumping to an assumption.  

It’s Too Soon

Are you trying to wife her up on day 9? Maybe she said she likes you but has a boyfriend (could be a lie). Pump the breaks homie. Love shouldn’t be rushed. 

Take your time. It could take several months to seal down the relationship, and there’s no hurry. If she’s your forever person, enjoy this period of singledom because it won’t last. Don’t let fear be your guide.

If you really are rushing this, think about why. Are you a relationship hopper — someone who switches girlfriends as often as they change their socks? Consider that you might be pushing her for a relationship simply because you’re looking for that “high” of a new connection made, even though you’re not willing to do the work to maintain it.

Or maybe you just don’t want to be alone. Do you have an anxious attachment style that makes you latch onto new prospects in unhealthy ways? Do a little reading on attachment theory if you think this sounds familiar. Learn to stop some of the behaviors that will make her feel smothered and be willing to wait.

Or Maybe It’s Her

It’s easy to think, “she won’t call me her boyfriend, so there must be something wrong with me.” But a lot of times, it’s actually her. Here are a couple of examples.

She’s Just Not Interested in a Relationship Right Now 

It happens. She might even be MegaDating, which means she’s seeing several guys with no intention of getting serious with anyone for a period of time. 

Timing is everything in dating. Just know that if she’s not ready to lock it down, that your best bet is not to try and reason your way into her heart. 

Keep dating other women while you date her. This will help you manage your own mindset. Make every time you see her feel like it’s a once-in-a-lifetime experience (this doesn’t mean you have to spend tons of money, it’s all about how you frame the date and how much fun they are), and you’ll be much more likely to have her keep wanting to see you!

She’s Using You

I know, this one hurts. Still, it has to be said. If she continues to go out with you, seems to vibe with you well, but keeps introducing you as her “friend,” then she might be stringing you along.

Maybe she likes your money, your professional connections, or simply wants company. She might be hung up on an ex and is using you to make him jealous. Or she might need to appease her parents who want her to date within her culture, even though she’s more attracted to other types of guys.

Whatever the reason, consider that she’s getting exactly what she wants and needs from you right now — without calling you her boyfriend.

She Won’t Call Me Her Boyfriend: Wrap-Up

Try not to be frustrated if the woman you want to get serious with isn’t quite “there” yet. Take note of the possible reasons you have control over and see if you can make adjustments in those areas. If nothing seems to work, then just accept it. There really are plenty of fish in the sea — it just takes a little while sometimes to realize that.

However, as a dating coach, I can tell you that with the right strategy, finding more women to spend your time with does not have to be a problem! I have helped tons of guys exactly in your position find more prospects than they’ve ever thought possible with the goal of transforming at least one of them into a full-fledged relationship.

No matter where you’re at, if you’re interested in personal coaching to take things to the next level, book a one-on-one session with me to get feedback and ideas. We will co-create an action plan and also determine if my Signature program is right for you.