Let’s say you’re interested in a woman enough to ask her out — only to have her get wishy-washy when it comes time to saying yes or no to a date. What’s the deal? Why won’t she commit to going out with you?
The truth is, there are a lot of different reasons for this. Some of them are things you can control, and some of them aren’t. Here’s a look at some of the most common reasons a woman might turn down a date. See if any of them sound familiar.
Reason #1: She Feels Like You’re a Friend
For women, there are usually two types of guys: the ones we find attractive and can see ourselves with romantically, and the ones who are just friends. If she won’t commit to a date with you, then I hate to say it, but you’ve probably been friendzoned.
This explanation is probably the hardest one to accept, and the toughest to undo. Why? Like a first impression, it’s just hard to erase an image you have of someone once you’ve made up your mind. So if you think it’s possible that you’re heading towards the friendzone, do everything you can to stay out of it. This means:
Stop Trying to Argue Your Case
Logic doesn’t work when it comes to matters of the heart. If you want her to think of you as boyfriend material, you’ll have to appeal to her emotions. Even if you think it “makes sense” for her to want to be with you, you actually have to make her feel good about you.
Reverse Friendzone Her
When you put her in the friendzone first by making it clear that you don’t want to date her, she’ll wonder what she’s missing out on. You’ll also look more confident, making you seem higher-value in her eyes.
MegaDating can actually help make the reverse friendzone move successful. As the practice of dating several people at once, MegaDating will help you build momentum and confidence while figuring out the type of person you want to settle down with long-term. MegaDating sets the stage for reverse friendzoning, because any woman who sees how much you are in demand is sure to question why she didn’t say yes to you when she had a chance!
That being said, sometimes it can be tough to tell if you’re in the friendzone. A lot of times, women aren’t very direct about it. A big reason for this could be that they are socially conditioned not to be “rude.” One hilarious scene in the TV show The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt made fun of this phenomenon when one of the characters admitted she followed a guy out to his car simply because she felt obligated to be polite — which literally led to her getting kidnapped. Obviously that’s a fictional story, but it points to a real social truth, which is that women are taught to avoid saying things that men don’t want to hear, out of fear of seeming bitchy. So if she’s not attracted to you, chances are she may have trouble saying this.
However, if you think you’re in the friendzone already, you might as well move on. You can also use the friendship as a means of expanding your social circle and potentially meeting another one of her cute, single girlfriends (wink wink).
Reason #2: You Haven’t Given Her a TDL
Before we go any further, let’s clear one thing up. Did you actually ask her on a date? And by “ask her on a date,” I mean, did you:
- Use the word “date” when you asked her?
- Suggest a time, date, and location?
If you didn’t do both of those things, then your request was too wishy-washy and you shouldn’t expect an answer. It’s no wonder she won’t commit to a date, in fact, because you haven’t actually asked her anything. In order to get a real response from her, you’ll need to let her know that you see her as more than a friend (hence the word “date”) and give her a TDL (time, date, and location for the date).
When it comes to the TDL, you want to be super clear about it. You also want to give her a compelling reason to say yes. With all that in mind, here are a few dos and don’ts when it comes to asking for a date.
“We should hang out sometime.”
“Have you been to the Broad museum yet? I hear the infinity mirror exhibit is amazing. I have tickets for Saturday at 2pm if you want to join me for a date.”
“Let’s grab coffee next week.”
“If you’re up for a date, I’d love to meet you for coffee on Sunday morning. Say around 11am at Verve? Their cold brew is on point.”
“When are you available?”
“If you’re free this Friday night at 7, my favorite band is playing at the Ace. I think you’ll like these guys since you said you’re into Americana. Should we make it a date?”
Remember: A high-demand woman gets tons of date requests that are interesting, unique, and adventurous. When she compares “We should hang out sometime” to something like, “Did you know Corgi Con is this weekend? It’s this huge festival full of corgis, and they do all these fun competitions. I’m going Saturday at 2pm. Wanna join me?” guess which one sounds more compelling?
Again, don’t forget to give her a reason to say yes. Even if you get a no, she’ll tell you why, and you’ll be able to overcome her objection, which will be something along the lines of, “I can’t do that day, “I work at that time,” or “I’m allergic to dogs.” All of these objections can be easily overcome by tweaking the idea, changing the time, day, or location, or by simply explaining it better.
Reason #3: Your Date Ideas Don’t Interest Her
One key to getting a woman to say yes to a date with you is knowing what her interests are beforehand. You might want to start the conversation by asking her a few key questions to assess this.
The “two-option close” can also help you quickly narrow down what she likes. For example, when trying to figure out a restaurant, you might first ask her if she prefers:
- Dressy or casual?
- Lively or intimate?
- Vegetarian or meat?
Then, tailor your suggestions to her preferences.
To make your idea even more compelling, try to also choose something that would be a unique experience for her. A timely, one-of-a-kind event like Corgi Con is a great example. Or, any location or venue that has a unique story to it could work. Think of things she’d want to tell her friends about, or post on her Instagram.
Reason #4: She’s Dating or Interested in Someone Else
Sadly, this is more common than you might think. Sometimes, if she won’t commit to a date or otherwise acts hot and cold with you, there’s another guy in the picture who is swaying her interest. He might come in and out of her life like a yo-yo — causing her to seem interested in you one minute, and then disinterested the next.
Now, I want you to listen to me closely: DO NOT be the guy who’s filling her time while she waits for this other guy to show her attention again. Allowing yourself to get caught up in her back-and-forth yo-yo just makes you look desperate and overly available.
Instead, MegaDate so you keep your social calendar full, and be sure to grab photos of yourself doing interesting and exciting things that you can post on social media. When she sees this and comes back around, you’ll naturally be less available. At that point, she’s likely to realize the truth — that you’re pretty darn valuable.
No matter what you do, stop waiting around for that one woman to want to spend time with you. Don’t be another warm body or “comforting friend” to a woman who’s on the yo-yo train.
Reason #5: She’s Focused on Her Purpose
Is she slammed at school or work? Did she mention to you she has a big project that she needs to focus all of her time on? If so, then be patient and supportive. She’ll reach out when she’s ready.
At the same time, having a ton of work on her plate consistently could be an indication that she prioritizes work over romance. Long-term, that’s not very sustainable and could lead you down a rabbit hole of drama and disappointment. Take note of what she says and move on while keeping her on the radar (perhaps as a friend).
Reason #6: She’s Taking a Break from Dating
Did she just get out of a long or abusive relationship? Sometimes women simply need a break from dating or men in general. Express your interest, give it time, and continue MegaDating. She may come back when she’s ready.
Just make sure that you’ve done everything in your power — which means, you’ve given her a super compelling TDL invitation at least three times — before calling it quits.
Reason #7: Group Drama Is Getting in the Way
Quick story: My boyfriend told me he once had a great first experience with a girl he met at a party. When he initially asked her out, she said yes. But she could never commit to actually meeting up. Months later, she came up to him at another party and was suddenly interested again.
Although it was too late for her, she admitted the reason she wouldn’t commit before was because a mutual friend of theirs told her that my boyfriend was a bad guy. Turned out, that mutual friend was simply jealous and intentionally sabotaged their potential relationship. Lesson learned: Be aware of what others are saying around you. The rumor mill could be spoiling your chances!
Reason #8: Your Dating Skills Aren’t Up to Snuff
This isn’t meant as a judgment. There could be many reasons why dating is challenging for you right now. Maybe you just moved to a new city or state where the culture is slightly different. You might have had bad role models for love, or maybe you have a naturally introverted personality.
No matter what the reason, a dating coach can help you sort through your personal issues to get to the root of why women aren’t committing to dates with you. And there’s no shame in getting help with this, especially considering that dating services are now a $3 billion dollar industry. Often the problem is something simple that a dating coach has seen thousands of times before — and therefore can spot immediately.
Reason #9: You Keep Texting Without Intent
Take a look at the last text you sent to her, and be honest: Was there any intention behind it? Because the only reason you should be messaging her is to set up or confirm a date using a TDL. Texting her “hey” or “how was your weekend?” with no intent completely kills your mystery and sexual tension. And both of those things are critical if you want her to become attracted to you.
Similarly, if you’re texting her a lot, you’re likely oversharing. If that’s the case, she may start feeling as if there’s nothing more to learn about you. Instead, you want to make her curious. In other words, she should be wondering about you. When she wonders about you, she’s using her imagination — which is directly connected to her ability to think sexually about you. Don’t fill up the space that could be left to her imagination with unnecessary texting.
Reasons She Won’t Commit to a Date: Wrap-Up
Often, the reasons she won’t commit to a date have nothing to do with you. But even if they do, you can always learn something from it — and make your next dating opportunity that much better.
And if you’d like more personalized advice on how to get women to commit to dates more often, I’m always here to help! Book a New Client 1-on-1 Skype Session with me now so we can take a look at your obstacles together. We’ll also create a strategy and determine if my 3 month coaching program is right for you.