Maybe you’ve been dating someone and out of the blue, she said she needs space. Or, worse — after months or years of being together, your girlfriend said she needs space to time and think.
Is there anything more crazy-making than this situation?
I totally feel your pain. Having someone you care about say they’d rather spend less time with you feels like a gut punch. And it’s hard to know what to do. But figuring it out is the key to making it better.
If you don’t do anything else, at least make sure she gives you a reason. If you don’t get an answer as to why she said she needs space, then you’ll stand no chance — and she’ll likely move on without you in her life.
Obviously, that might be easier said than done. Especially if you’re just dating her. So for that reason, I put together a list of possibilities as to why she might need space. See if any of these ring any bells for you. Next, I’ll help you craft a strategy to potentially fix it — if not with this woman, then in future relationships.
This situation can be a little tricky. You might not know her well enough yet to be able to read what’s going on or ask her directly about it. So, here are some common reasons why she said she needs space and time to think right now.
So how do you know if your energy is needy? First, you might want to figure out if your attachment style is causing problems in the relationship. (See this article for more details on attachment theory.) If you relate to the “anxious” attachment style (which 15% of people do, according to research), then pay attention.
If your attachment style is anxious, then you’re probably coming on too strong, and she said she needs space because … well, she needs space. Most likely, she feels smothered. Here are some examples of smothering someone, so you know what I mean:
This pretty much sums it up, but in case you’re still wondering, here’s a quick test. Check your text thread with her. Do you see 12 lines of your text versus her 1 line?
So, keep in mind that she may very well be seeing other guys if you aren’t exclusive. Also, as much as I hate to be the bearer of bad news, if she’s asking for space from you instead of them, then you might even be losing that competition.
Still wondering why she asked for space? Think back. You may have noticed the shift in her attitude and just forgot about it. Was it when you asked to split the bill? Did you guys have a bad sexual experience? Was it when she saw your air-filled mattress? Did she introduce her to your friends or family and then start to communicate with you less? Try to remember the moment things changed. This could be the biggest clue as to what is making her push you away.
The reason she needs space may have nothing to do with you. Consider what’s going on in her life, to the best of your knowledge. Maybe she’s under pressure at work, has been working long hours, and is losing energy for the relationship.
She might have academic goals that are taking up all her headspace. She could be moving or have big travel plans that make a relationship unrealistic right now. Maybe she just got divorced or just broke up with someone. Literally, the possibilities are endless. Just consider that you are not the center of her universe and that she’s pulling back for her own reasons.
When a woman you’ve been with for a while says she needs space, there could be other things going on.
Or, maybe you have a very specific plan for your career that involves moving to a certain city because of your industry. She might have acted happy for you, but now is second-guessing if she can really follow you there. In other words, there could be an unspoken conflict that you both need to ‘fess up to.
Have you or both of you lost sex drive? Maybe your relationship is starting to feel more like “best friends” (or worse, brother and sister!) rather than romantic. When was the last time you guys had sex, anyway? Even though it seems like she’s asking for space out of the blue, maybe you have been drifting apart for a while now. If the relationship is starting to become platonic, she might be trying to get out of it.
Once you think you have the reason, here are some approaches you can take to try to save the relationship (that is if you want to).
Do this with an open mind, without anger or blame. The more comfortable she feels talking about it with you, the more information you will get. Try to use “I” statements, such as, “I feel horrible inside when we don’t talk,” rather than accusatory statements like, “You don’t care about anyone but yourself!” Only speak for yourself, and keep your emotions in check so she’ll be more likely to let you in.
Also, make sure the conversation is face-to-face, so you can also pick up clues from her body language. Again, she may or may not be able to pinpoint exactly why she needs space. So being able to watch her body language will help you piece things together. She might be trying to play it off as nothing, saying that she’s “just so busy these days and needs some time off.” Over text, you might take this at face value, but in person, she may say this with telltale signs of being uncomfortable — shifting her eye contact, shaky voice, etc.
If you don’t have this conversation in person, you could miss out on the entire subtext and misinterpret everything. The worst thing would be to think you have the answer when you really don’t.
If she gave you the reason — and it’s something you have control over — then say you’ll work on it. Try to convince her that you’ll make the necessary adjustments in order to keep the relationship moving forward. But only do this if you really feel like it’s your best path forward.
For example, let’s say she’s worried that your family takes priority over her. She now wants space because she’s not sure if she wants to play “second fiddle” in your life to your brothers, your mom, etc. You might consider making some accommodations for this — carving out more 1-on-1 time without the family around, or asking them not to come over on certain days so you guys can be alone.
On the other hand, would changes like this make you feel comfortable? You might be super family-oriented and need a woman who appreciates that type of life. Reducing time with your family might be too much to ask.
Or, maybe she needs space because after you’ve been dating a while, you still refuse to talk about commitment. She feels insecure in the relationship and wonders if someone else might be involved. She says she feels unappreciated and ignored by you. This could make you think harder about the prospect of life without her. If you decide you don’t want to lose her, then maybe you’d be willing to become more attentive and talk about the future. Again, it all depends on whether you feel it’s worth it.
In some cases nothing will work, and you just need to take a few weeks to grieve. But don’t get down on yourself too long. No other woman is going to want to date a man who has “poor me” syndrome. Get out and spend time with friends and family. Focus on finding a new job that invigorates you. Join a co-ed intramural or city sports team. Plan a trip to a new country.
Then, once you’re ready to get back into dating, hire a coach who can give you objective advice on how to avoid a situation like this in the future. Having an expert on your side can make a huge difference in how your dating life goes from this point forward. Be sure to take advantage of the help that’s out there by booking a 1-on-1 New Client Skype Session with me.
Ultimately, a variety of factors could lead to your girlfriend telling you she needs space. It’s impossible to list them all here, but hopefully, you’ve gotten some clues as to what might be happening. Again, be sure you get that reason from her. Don’t let her be vague. It’s up to you to get clarity so you can either try and win her back, or move on to the next woman. Either way, you’ll end up with more insight about how to create a long-term relationship.