Wondering how to ask for consent from a woman you’re dating without killing your chances in the bedroom? First off, I applaud you for being so proactive! You sir, have boyfriend material written all over you.

Why should you be concerned about consent in this day and age? Well because you could get seriously rocked by a pissed off woman if you don’t. As an example, in Sweden rape conviction rates rose 75% after the law was changed.

The legal definition of rape in Sweden in 2018 was changed to include sex that was non-consensual. Rape victims no longer had to prove violence or the use of coercion. So, it makes a lot of sense to educate yourself now on what consent does and does not look like.

After learning about consent more on my end, I’ll tell ya, there are some men I’d like to make a phone call to. If you’re a man in your 40’s or 50’s, you grew up during a time when consent was not discussed. Even movies used to show examples of non-consent, as if it were completely acceptable.

As such, you may be violating social codes of conduct that have since been established into the framework of our society, without even knowing it. Especially if you are recently divorced and haven’t dated for years, then learning about consent is a surefire way to keep yourself out of prison and to keep your reputation in tact.

What is consent?

Consent is defined as an ongoing reciprocal and reversible verbal, physical, and emotional agreement between partners to take part in sexual activity. This is a topic which should be communicated distinctly and freely. It’s a two way street built on conversation, respecting boundaries, and accepting a partner(s) right to their body and right to say no.

Consent is all about communication and should occur every time, for every activity, and every step of the way. For example, consent to get to first base doesn’t automatically mean consent for second base. In the same way, if a partner consents to have sex once, it does not mean they consented to have sex a second time.

Not everyone can give consent. If someone is underage, intoxicated (drugs, alcohol), asleep, or unconscious, they cannot give consent. *Consent also cannot be given openly in situations where there is an unequal balance of power- teacher/student, boss/employee, celebrity/fan.* Consent is about finding out what kinds of touch and levels of intimacy someone is comfortable with at any given time.

Why is consent important?

Everyone has a right to their body and choices. Everyone also has a right to feel comfortable and safe in intimate moments and relationships. This is why consent is important. Discussing boundaries (yours and your partner(s)) and expectations before engaging in sexual activities can help with respecting and accepting these rights.

Examples that are not consensual

Consent cannot be give by anyone who is under the legal age of consent (depending on location), incapacitated, asleep, or unconscious. Consent should be obtained without any threat, pressure, fear, head games, and manipulation.

Pressure can be using intimidation, fear, manipulation and sounds like “If you don’t sleep with me, I will __ (leave you, post your nudes online).” It can also occur if the partner fears any negative reaction (sadness, anger, disappointment, resentment) if consent isn’t given or if something isn’t done right away.

Refusal to accept “no” or ignoring cues that show obvious discomfort is another nonconsensual example. If a partner is quiet, disengaged, awkward, visibly uncomfortable or upset, has a change in demeanor, freezes up, is silent, has stiff body language,  or is non-responsive, the best thing to do is to stop and ask. Silence and maybe don’t mean yes. Yes means yes.

The whole “no means maybe” is promoting rape culture. Another example is assuming permission to a sexual activity because you’ve received it in the past, assuming certain outfits, flirtation, etc is an invitation to do more, and suggesting or assuming sex is owed because of a relationship. Sex without consent is not sex, its rape.

What consent sounds like and how to ask for consent

There are many ways to ask for consent. It doesn’t always have to get in the way and there are plenty of things to say to keep the ball rolling. Consent can (and should) start prior to engaging in sexual activity. And, consent can begin by talking about boundaries, needs, desires, fantasies, and fetishes before *and even during* sex.

Discussing what someone wants to do doesn’t have to be a bland conversation, it can be flirty and even part of foreplay. A great start is to figure out your own yeses, no’s, and maybes. Ultimately, if all parties want to be there, asking for consent shouldn’t kill the mood. You can always practice ways to ask for consent and find what works for you and makes you feel good as well.

Here are a few examples of how to ask for consent from a woman:

• Just ask:
  • “Is this okay?”
  • “Do you want to go further/do more/do __?”
  • “Is it okay if I __”
  • “__ seems really sexy/like it would feel amazing and I’ve been wanting to try it. Do you want to as well?”
  • “I’ve done __ before and really liked it. Would you be open to that?”
  • “It turns me on when I do/you do __. Can I/you do that?”
  • “I’ve seen/read/heard __ being done before, can I try it with you?”
• Check in:
  • “Is this still okay?”
  • “Are you comfortable?”
  • “Do you want to keep going?”
• Explicit agreement:
  • “Yes!”
  • “I would also like to try __!”
• Let your partner know that you can stop at any time and that they should feel comfortable and safe letting you know:
  • “Do you want to slow down?”
• Positive feedback when it’s going well:
  • “This feels good”
  • “Keep going”
  • “Don’t stop”
  • “moaning”

What consent looks like

Yes means yes. Make sure you hear a loud, clear, and importantly enthusiastic yes. Positive body language is an awesome nonverbal cue. This includes smiling, nodding, eye contact, looking excited, touching you back, heavy breathing, moaning, maybe even saying what someone likes. “Don’t stop” “That feels good” and so forth.

Basically, positive physical cues. Consent is a full body experience. Pay attention to your partner and their physical cues. Listen to each other and what all parties want and like.

*HOWEVER, just because someone is smiling and making eye contact does not mean consent, make sure you still ask! Also, physiological responses (erections, arousal, lubrication, orgasms) are involuntary responses. Just because this occurs does not mean consent was given*

Is consent reversible?

Consent can be taken back during any point if someone is not comfortable. It is completely okay to change your mind, regardless of what has happened until then. You can have sex with someone on Monday and not consent to having sex on Tuesday. Withdrawing consent can be a hard thing to do verbally so look out for non-verbal cues.

When and how often should you ask for consent?

“Consent isn’t a question. It’s a state (Advocates for youth).”

It is a continuous negotiation and people need to be in the state of enthusiastic consent the whole time. The best way to make sure all partners are feeling safe and comfortable is to check in regularly and especially before escalating.

Enthusiastic consent

This is a newer way of thinking of consent because “no means no ” had some plot holes. It doesn’t work all the time because sometimes people can be physically unable to say no. It doesn’t take into account if someone is cognitively impaired, if there are age-related issues, if the person is afraid, and so on.

Enthusiastic consent is about reading your partner’s cues i.e. do they look/act interested? It means you are “looking for the presence of yes, rather than absence of no (RAINN).” This can be done non-verbally, but regardless, one should always seek verbal confirmation.

The verbal “yes” is a whole body, enthusiastic, and engaged response and not just passive agreement. Not only does this enthusiasm show up at the beginning of the activity, but it’s something to be gauged during as well.

What if the answer is no?

This is something to think about as well. The biggest key here is respect. Respect your partner and their right to say no. The same goes for you. If there is something you don’t want to do, you have the right to say no. What someone wants to do with their body is their choice and the same goes for you. How, when, and with who someone engages in sexual activity is their choice.

So if your partner doesn’t want to do something, don’t pressure or force them into it. Moreover, the reason someone says no is their reason and they don’t have to tell you. Once again, sex without consent is not sex. It’s rape.

Interested to learn how dating coaching can help?

It’s hard to be single, let alone single after a divorce or in your 40’s or 50’s when all of your friends are married and busy. Sometimes you just need someone to talk to who can guide you in the right direction, especially when it comes to consent.

That’s where I come in. I help single men find love fast with my coaching programs and I can help you too. In my group program, my clients get lifetime access to me, lifetime access to my weekly coaching calls, lifetime access to my online curriculum, and lifetime access to my private online community.

The support is endless, which is great because most guys think they have to do this dating thing on their own. What better way to ensure you’re getting proper consent from women and filling up your dating funnel with lots of high-quality dates, then to have an expert who’s already done it show you the way?

Curious to see if we’re a fit to work together? Book a new client session with myself or a member of my team here. During that session we can talk about your dating history and goals, discuss any of the obstacles that might be holding you back from achieving those goals, and determine whether or not we’d be a good fit to work together.